Let me catch you up. Yeah, I was seeing that Ashley St. Standard girl.
(Blonde, hot, didn’t talk too much) So what? She was like an 8-point
buck… sometimes you shoot one even though you know you’re not going to
put it on the wall. Meats still good, it’s just not trophy material.
Right? Whatever. Im only 24, you cant expect me to date just one girl.

So Tuesday, my other buddy Jefferson Davis and I were at this big party
for this club we’re in. It’s for the guys who do the biggest deals. We
look great, we drink scotch, were in the best clubs. All my buddies are
members. I decide who gets in. You couldn’t get in. Trust me.

Well, me and Davis were talking about our USC season tickets and how
good they are and all of a sudden, this girl walks up to the bar.
Kitten with full cougar potential? Check. Blonde hair? Check. Hot legs?
Check. Black pants? Check. Louis Vuitton purse? Check. Fuck off, I know
it’s gay to know about purses. But you’d be surprised how fast it gets
you laid if you give a girl one — even a small one. They’re only like
$300. I buy a couple at a time cause they help you if you get caught
cheating too.

Davis and I didn’t know her — which meant that she wasn’t from
Manhattan Beach but that’s ok, I’ll still date girls from North Hermosa.
I kept waiting for her to check me out. Girls ALWAYS check me out.

She’s standing next to me and then, I realized that my sleeve was
totally covering my Rolex! God, she probably thought I was poor. Not
her fault. Speaking of that, I wonder what poor people are doing right
now? Anyway I wear French cuffs to work. They’re usually monogrammed.
So I pulled back my left sleeve and BAM! She turns around. I’m not
kidding! Ask Davis. This shit happens to me all the time. Right then the
photographer comes up and she gets to be in two pictures with me. This
girl was having one hell of a day. Her name was Sara Simpleton and I
could tell she thought I was hot, so I told her all about me. Girls LOVE
hearing about things like my car and my season tickets. I usually try to
work in what street my parents live on, just so they know where I’m
coming from. That’s a deal closer. Always be closing (ABC, it’s my
bible)! That’s what my dad says. It’s what McPlummerson’s have done for
generations. You know what else closes the deal? The picture of my dog
on my Blackberry. He’s a yellow Lab named Beamer. Sometimes I say I have
two Beamers. Get it? I drive a Beamer and my dogs name is Beamer! Chicks
can’t keep their clothes on when you have a dog, they think it means
you’re ready to have kids. David fucking Copperfield doesn’t have a
better trick. I swear.

Where was I?

Talking to Sara. Right. She said she just moved here from somewhere.
Don’t know, don’t care and I think she said something about interior
decorating. My mom does that. NOT that my mom has to work, because she
doesn’t — but for fun. She buys lamps and stuff for my dad’s office.
That’s what girls are supposed to do.

THEN, I said, I want to take you to Flemings (it’s no Mortons but what
does she know?) this weekend, can I have your phone number, and she
says, “ok, it’s 818.” And I said, “310-818.”And she goes, “NO, 818″ and
I go, “310-818 what?” And GET THIS. Her AREA CODE was 818. What the
fuck. I’ve said it before, I don’t dial long distance and I don’t do
long distance. But I do love cougars. Even young ones (CIT’s). And she’s
the hottest thing I’ve seen in years, and she still lives in the Valley.
So I got her number. NOT that I need a date, because I don’t I have
plans every night until September. We left the party and got in the car
to go to The 900 Club and Davis was laughing his ass off on the phone
with our other buddy Parkerton. He told me to have fun picking her up in
Chatsworth. Screw him. His Land Rover has like 17,000 miles on it. So
not new. And for the record, Parkerton hasn’t closed anything since
Reagan was in office.

Ill let you know how the date goes.

My name is Cash McPlummerson III, I don’t know you, but you probably
know me. You’ve seen my name all over high profile retail properties in
Los Angeles or in person out at the newest Manhattan Beach bar, I didn’t
notice you — don’t worry. I was probably wearing a blazer. My days are
always productive and my nights are always awesome. Did I tell you about
last Thursday? No? Shit. Well here it goes, another banner night

My buddies and I went to Morton’s for dinner. We do deals. We eat
steaks. I got the filet rare. That’s what you order when your shit is
this good. I didn’t eat the carrot. That’s gay shit. Anyway, our
waitress was hot! I’ve been seeing this girl, Ashley St. Standard from
Beverly Hills. I mean, she’s hot too of course, and even though she’s
pretty average in the sack and not too smart she was in a good sorority
at USC- the same one as my mom. I don’t know where she is tonight. Don’t
really care; sorry I’m getting ahead of myself. So Morton’s was fucking
amazing oh and we totally played credit card Roulette. I didn’t lose,
but I paid for the whole thing anyway. Who the fuck cares who pays, it
was practically a business dinner since we talked about all the deals I
have going on. I always have deals going on. So do my buddies. So then I
looked at my Rolex or was it my Tag, who cares it was like 10:30pm, it’s
EARLY! My buddy Turner Parkerton was so wasted; he’s a closer too.
That’s why we hang out. So anyway he just broke up with his girlfriend
who sucked balls by the way (I mean if she didn’t suck, I’d be dating
her) and we wanted to find some really hot tail for him I mean, since
I’m seeing that girl Disclaimer of the night, bingo baby!)…

I told Turner I’d drive, so we all got into my charcoal 5-Series. I mean
beamers are great that’s what guys should have. I’d get a ’07 Range
Rover, but I don’t want to beat it up driving down Rosecrans. The valet
took forever, so I just gave the dude a $20. I don’t have time to wait
for change. It’s just a bunch of ones. That’s not even money. We were
going to go to Shade and get a table and some bottles of Ketel, but we
didn’t want some North Redondo chicks throwing themselves at us and
drinking off our bottles. I don’t touch N Dondo broads anyway. So in the
car we all decided to go cougar hunting. Best sport in South Bay. You
know what a cougar is right? Yeah! So fucking hot. They’re old and rich
and all they want is sex. So they’re just like me, except older and
female. Not that I’d date one of them for real. But they’re good for
entertainment. So me and Turner went to the Bull Pen, it’s a cougar den
in there. Just roll in there in a hot white shirt and blazer and you’re
golden. Just a couple of bleeding deer waiting to get clawed. Cougars
can smell a guy with a Rolex from 100 yards. It’s half the reason I wear
one. Here kitty. So, I was talking to this one hot cougar and this fat
girl tried to talk to me. I mean she was ordering a drink, but still,
she talked to me and asked me to move over so she could get to the bar.
My friends and I close deals, we don’t talk to fat chicks, got it? It
pissed me off so bad a piece of my hair even fell out of place. I have
great hair at least that’s what my mom told me. It’s kind of wavy and
the ladies love it. My dad Cash McPlummerson Jr. has the exact same
hair; he’s in real estate too. Enough about me, back to the evening

So it was almost 1am and we still hadn’t found any ass for Turner, not
that it’s hard for me to find ass, because it isn’t. I knew where to go
(I ALWAYS know where to go), Shell Backs. Finding a drunk chick to hook
up with at Shell Backs after 1am is like shooting fish in a barrel, but
easier and when you look like me and Turner, it’s almost unfair. Shell
Backs was packed. This dude in a ribbed v-neck with spiky hair totally
spilled on one of my Ferragamo loafers and I almost beat his ass. “The
dealership in Hermosa called bro, the lease on your H3 is up, time to go
home” That’s what I said to him! My shoes cost as much as his car
payment. Loser…. No, I take that back, my tie costs as much as his car
payment. It was so goddamn funny. I can’t help it. I’m superior. I’ve
got so much more money than him, I mean my parents do, but still. When
they die, I’ll be way richer. You should have been there. I was wasted,
and I didn’t need to deal with a bunch of trash, Turner and I are too
good for that shit. What? You think it sounds like my night sucked? Are
you kidding me? So what if nothing happened! I don’t care, it was
awesome. $1000 dollars for dinner doesn’t even make me blink. I can’t
wait to tell all my friends tomorrow. I’m going to email them and tell
them how awesome it was. I’ll be in the office early of course. I’ve got
this deal to work on.

And yeah, I’m not negative about partying every once in a while, but when all you do in your life is getting drunk and laying and manipulating chicks (that similarly have no real interests in life), it gets really fucked up. It just has to stop getting fucked up for the people that are worth more than that but keep trying to fit in.

I’m really glad to see a “pickup guru” ditching this type of lifestyle, ’cause it really has no real place in a healthy and quality human being, and people who get in the PU community are usually advised to keep going out every night and hit the venues pretending to be just like the bickest dicks out there (only creepier).

No offense taken man. I am sure the Hollywood Hills is not necessarily home to the most humble, down to earth people. Then again, it’s status quo for an elite rich neighborhood. You should write a post on the Hills. (I am serious)

SouthBay is supposed to have “Normal” down to Earth people which is what causes irony.

“Into the Night” is a great song! No arguments from me, man! Outstanding vocals, great melody…

————————
Dni,

I understand where you’re coming from regarding the drunken idiots. I edited the blog post to clarify what I meant. The tips-section was meant to help people who are spending a short amount of time in such environments “Get in” with the party scene.
Party for a week or two and then leave it behind…..

I still stand by the Rocky Balboa post: You’re much happier in life when spending time with people who share the same core values you do.

Where part of the world do you live?

I live nowhere near South Bay or even the US but most of my childhood friends have grown to be the “always drunk and partying, fuck everything and get laid even at the cost of integrity” type. No interest in art, science, philosophy or passions. I’ve tried for many years to fit in, but I fucking can’t. It made me miserable and fucked up many aspects of my life.

I used to feel so bad to not be able to live “the life” even though I truly hated it. It is so advertised through the media though as the ideal one, that it’s so hard to even realise the option to reject it. And this links to the previous blog post about lacking self confidence unless you’re living according to your core-values and hang out with people that share them.

I hope more people will realise this through your articles and won’t fall in the same trap I did.

Cheers to another great post man :)

I’m realizing that my post sounded like I was calling you shallow, when I really just wanted to poke fun at Hollywood. (Another long-time LA resident here who happened to grow up in the Hwd. Hills, so obviously, no offense intended.)
Next time I will post more carefully, & I probably should have put in a ;-)

BTW, your podcast with Sinn was great. But one point, though — Benny Mardones is from Ohio, where the age of consent is 16 — as it is in most of the country! Don’t diss one of my favorite cheesy songs!

Anyway, great blog.

Yes, the South Bay is gorgeous. That’s one of the things I love about it. (Did you not read the whole post?)

Hollywood can also be very shallow. The difference is that it hosts people from various part of the country: The Midwest, The South, the Pacific Northwest and etc… Those people usually have different values. There are also people who are artists, singer/songwriters, and so forth….

The South Bay, for the most part, has the party-people I described, and it seems to have them in massive quantities at different ages, moreso than anywhere else……

Did I strike a nerve?

———————————

Sinn,

Figured you’d enjoy that one! :)

Well, this is the preliminary post…. Don’t forget, the tale of Goldie-Locks is still coming!

Cameron

Best post EVER!!!!

You forgot to mention the song…

Cougarin…

What’s your price for flight…

To fuck ***** ***** tonight!!!!

S