The Enemy or Friend within.  Your Subconscious Mind

The importance of self-image is often neglected in the dating-advice arena and too often even those who preach confidence do so with the false bravado of the blissfully ignorant.

 To understand yourself and your own psyche is the first step in enabling yourself to start moving forward to a better tomorrow, today.   I started to write an article entitled “Why they disdain your good deeds” and as I started writing it, things took a vastly different turn.  So I’ll post that article in the next Blog post entry. 

 If you’re seeking answers regarding your dating life on the Internet, you’re going to run into all sorts of various systems, methods, and styles.  There will be no shortage of “Gurus” who’d like you to worship them as entities sent from dimensions beyond our reach who have all the answers.  They’ll offer you all sort of strategies and tactics in order to try to “Game girls.”  Alleged wise-men will attempt to erase all of the baggage of your past with a little swish pattern from their NLP bag of tricks.  Oh, they will have all sorts of answers….

Sometimes, the answers are within you. 

 As I said, I started to write this article regarding the disdain some show towards kind deeds and it took a life of its own.  It’s important to look at yourself first.  You gain a better understanding of the world around you by having a better understanding of yourself. 

 A quick crash course in practical Hypnosis. (please do not mistake this with creepy guys trying to use NLP patterns attempting to lay women.)  I am not interested in that at all, and if you are, you should not be reading my blog.  Go and study Bandler or RJ and learn to pattern.

 I am more interested in the science of the human brain and how it produces results.

 So let’s have a quick crash course on the basics:  

  •  Conscious brain:  Makes logical decisions.  Has the ability to reason, ability to do logic, solve complex math & physics problems, or simple ones such as if you should close the window because it’s too hot or cold outside.  It’s not emotional, and has more of a short-term memory.
  •  Subconscious brain:  Long term memory, has stored everything that’s ever happened to you since you were born.  An example of this would be the sudden recollection of some kid who sat next to you in the first grade.  You may not have thought about that kid in 20, 30, 40, or 50 years.  Suddenly, some event has that particular kid popping in your memory and you even remember his name.  “I remember when that little fucker Jimmy borrowed my eraser and then swallowed it…” 

 Well, you hadn’t thought about that particular individual or incident in 20 years but it was always in your memory.  That’s how the subconscious works.  It’s YOUR life experience that it records.  It’s also the EMOTIONAL Mind.  It’s the one that acts based out of feelings and emotions.  If you’re feeling insecure, alone, or hurt, this is the part of your mind that says things or has you doing things that you may later not look back so fondly of.  It’s the one that has you saying something so insulting to someone you may even like during an argument just to make you feel better in that moment.  There is no real logic, and you may regret having said that to your girlfriend/boyfriend later, but at the time, it FELT good.  

 Hence, the subconscious mind acts out of emotion and those emotions vary greatly based on the individual.  Based on one’s self-image, beliefs, and fears, a person’s behavior can also vary from another individual given the exact same circumstances.  

  •  Simple Example:  Two guys ask a girl for her phone number (Not at the same exact time.)  She gives the exact same reply (same words & Tonality) to both of them: “Sorry, I can’t give my number out.”

 One guy assumes that he screwed it up.  He is not charming or smooth enough.  He thinks he has trouble attracting women.  He fears that it might happen again with the next girl.  He fears that maybe he is not attractive and so forth.

 The Other guy assumes that it was just bad timing.  She probably had a bad experience, or maybe has a stalker ex-boyfriend… She probably just needs more time to feel comfortable. Ahh…. She’ll come around sooner or later.   No big deal either way.  Maybe she lives with her parents and is embarrassed about receiving phone calls at the house.

 In reality, neither guy really knows the exact reason as to why she uttered the words, “Sorry, I can’t give my number out” even though she seemed friendly and interested during the interaction. 

 They’re both left to speculate and in this case, one guy assumes the negative and one guy assumes the positive.  A negative self-image often results in taking things more personally, and when fear show its ugly head, things really get out of hand.  That fear has to be dealt with, but first it must be recognized.  It’s not a universal fear.  Human beings in general (male or female) may have various fears, (fear of success, fear of failure, fear of not being loved, fear of actually being loved, fear of lack of respect, fear of responsibility, and so forth.)

 Wait, what the f*ck?  Did you just write “Fear of BEING loved?”  Yes, I did.  As I said, the subconscious mind is NOT rational.     It draws on experience and self-image.  A woman may conclude, “Uncle Bob told me he loved me, and he molested me.  My ex-husband swore he loved and repeatedly beat me physically.”  Hence her subconscious mind concludes that being loved equals negative consequence. 

 Again, you and I consciously know that this is faulty reasoning and it’s rather absurd.  That’s irrelevant.  It only matters what the emotional part of the brain thinks and if it thinks that, then that’s how that person’s behavior is determined.  To take the quote from Tom Cruise’s character in the classic film, ”A Few Good Men,”

“It doesn’t matter what I think.  It only matters what I can prove.”

 The same dynamic applies here.  It does not matter what your conscious mind knows.  It only matters what your subconscious/emotional mind believes.  If you can believe you’re someone of value on a deep-rooted subconscious level, then you will have gained a higher self-image. 

The same principle of “logic vs. Emotion” holds true in the same manner in that approach-anxiety is not eradicated through logic.  It’s no secret that a lot of guys become extremely nervous in attempting to ask out a woman.   Someone could logically explain that there is no physical harm in it, and in fact, no one will ever know.  Logically, it makes perfect sense to approach her, but emotionally, it can be a train wreck. 

 Sometimes you hear a person say that they have experienced a “Moment of realization” or an “Epiphany.”  Many times, that simply amounts to self-awareness, a proverbial “Aha!!!!” moment, the moment where the individual becomes aware of his or her subconscious beliefs.  Something like, “OH WOW!  All of these years I’ve been doing this or that, and it was always because I was afraid of………”

  So you meet random people in life and they go their separate ways.  Like the girl I met (friend of a friend of a friend type of thing) who kept boasting about her lifestyle of having nothing.  She owns nothing, can’t hold down a job for more than 3 months, and is perpetually broke.  Sometimes she finds herself bouncing on people’s sofas and sometimes she needs to “Borrow” money for food from friends.  Yet, she is quick to brag about the fact that she is a “Gypsy” and has a gypsy lifestyle, and how somehow she has some sort of freedom that she can do anything and etc, etc, etc…

 How long do you listen to, and how long do you observe someone like that before you think… “Fear of responsibility.”  Why does that person have that fear?  We could only speculate.  Only she knows the answer wedged deep in her own psyche. 

 Hence, as you go through this journey of learning dating advice, in your quest to become better at attracting women, understand the importance of improving your self-image and eradicating your fears.  You may or may not know what those fears are at this point, but you’ll face them one day and that’s a good thing.  Recognizing those fears is the first step in dealing with them, overcoming them, and then moving forward.

 Keep it in perspective:

 The proverbial “Inner-game” or self-confidence cannot teach you social skills.  It can’t teach how to be a better story-teller or conversationalist, not can it suddenly increase your social intelligence.  It can, however, free you from the fears that prevent you from taking action in whatever endeavors you’ve been refraining from.

 Work on yourself, learn the proper skills, and be weary of those who offer you quick-fixes and be weary of those who have ALL of the answers.  If you feel that that you have a string of negative experiences in dating women (or men if you’re a female), you’re not the only one.  You can turn that around, but it starts with enrolling yourself in the process, the process of self-discovery and the process of learning better social skills. 

 It’s not going to happen overnight as much as savvy marketers will promise you that.  It’s no different than trying to shed fat and developing a fit body.  It takes time, and you make progress.  Beware of self-proclaimed gurus, and beware of snake-oil salesmen reminiscent of a night-stalker waiting for you at every turn.

 Keep focused on the task at hand.  In 3 broad steps, those amount to, 

  • Discover the root of your fears
  • Work on improving your self-image one step at a time
  • Learn better social skills.  Be more engaging/appealing


  Stay tuned for the next blog article where I finally will discuss “Why they Disdain your good deeds.”


PS.  The article that you’ve just read will significantly impact your dating life..  Please realize that it is supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work.  Building Attraction Ebook