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As you gain experience dating different types of girls, you’ll come to quickly find that some are really worth keeping around and a whole lot of them will fall into the proverbial “Dime a Dozen” category.

Thus, naturally, as you interact with enough girls, you will undoubtedly observe that they fall into certain types archetypes who follow very similar patterns.  You’ll come to naturally understand what these patterns are, and will recognize them subconsciously.  You’ll also devise methods to help you recognize what/whom you’re dealing with.  Many people do this subconsciously without ever being aware of it.  I just happen to enjoy deconstructing these subconscious patterns of force.

Remember the great film I recommended titled, “A Bronx Tale?”  In that film, Sonny had devised his “Door Test.”  It was a test to seek an individual’s propensity to want to contribute and give back.   From that, Sonny concluded if she was a keeper.

I have the Vegas Test.  It’s designed to figure out if a girl is worth having a relationship with.  Would she make a good girlfriend for me?

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Introducing the Vegas Test:

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At some point, during a lengthy conversation, the topic of Vegas will come up.  It’s not posed some sort of a quiz, but it’s more of a casual mention.  The reaction to this tells me what I want to know.  And sometimes her reaction to going to Las Vegas is:

“OH MY GOSH!   Oh my gosh!  You don’t understand!  I love Vegas!  I really really love Vegas.”

Cue in the violin.  It’s all over.  That’s a girl that’s not suited to be a girlfriend.  Perhaps, better cue in the old catchy Roxette song.  “It must have been love… but it’s over now…..”

OK, silly sentimental pop songs aside, the Vegas test is a very serious matter.   OK, it’s not so much a case of that one particular statement being the definitive answer, but it’s more so a case of this being the final straw.  It’s the final clue in a series of tell-tale signs.  It’s the proverbial icing on the cake.  I really don’t like that cliché, but don’t have a better one right this moment.

I don’t claim the Vegas test to be infallible or a 100% accurate.   However, I will add this:  The Vegas test has never failed.

Nope, not even once.  If ever I’ve come across a girl who has broken into a frenzy over Vegas, it’s always proven to be that she is not worth pursuing.  Just as importantly, any girl I’ve ever come across worth keeping has never had that reaction. In fact, her reaction has been quite the opposite.

What reaction are we talking about, and to what?

This is not about a couple’s getaway for a romantic interlude or a boyfriend girlfriend trip.  We’re talking about groups of girls who cannot wait to arrange a weekend to Vegas.  This is the type that can’t wait to go to “club rehab” in the summer time at the Hard Rock and if they live in Southern California, they probably attempt to arrange several trips a year.

Upon hearing the news that there may be a potential weekend trip to Vegas, they’ll almost break into a full fledged seizure, and quite possibly an impromptu rendition of the Safety Dance.

If you’ve never seen this, you’re in a for a treat!  Feast your eyes on this incredible video…..

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Spectacular visual feast:  Creepy English guy dressed like a fruitcake trying to look tough while running in the field with a pirate shirt tossing dwarfs, while other villagers, hobbits, elves, gremlins and ghouls jump for joy.  They’re All doing the safety dance (and a song that will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day!)

The concept of this video is amazing.  You could round up a group of 100 stoners and potheads, provide them with the finest LSD and “Magic shrooms”, and yet not be able to come up with something so bizarre and random.

Plus I never quite gathered or deduced whose safety this dance was for.  Was it for his safety?  Or was it for the safety of villagers?  Maybe it was a cleverly coded method for identifying drunk carriage drivers in the olden days?   Not to mention that the entire Safety Dance is just ONE move, as depicted in the freeze frame at exactly 1:25 into the video.

I can’t get over the serious look and game face determination of the lead singer as he marches for the Safety Dance.  It’s as though he is leading the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s.

Yes, his resolve is that strong and at first glance, that glare of determination makes you think he really is marching for a cause until you zoom out to see he is being followed by elves, clowns and gremlins.  Perhaps it’s the Safety Dance is to ensure the safe passage of these mutants?

Let’s get back to the Vegas test.  Needless to say, I could write an entire article on my fascination with this video, but I digress.

Wait a minute, why isn’t the Safety Dance video in the Smithsonian museum as the most amazing random compilation of shit ever assembled?  Why haven’t cultural preservationists taken notice?

OK, seriously, back to the article.

It’s safe to say (couldn’t resist the Pun, sorry), that if the girl LOVES Vegas and breaks into the safety dance, or any other dance, you’re looking at someone who is not a keeper.

(OK, if a girl really actually broke into doing the Safety dance in Public, she may be a keeper just for the entertainment value.)

It’s not the only test, but it’s usually a myriad of signals by the time you get to the Vegas question.. This last point just happens to be the big finale.  This is the Fat-Man equivalent of “Not good relationship material” Signal.  [Fat-man was atomic bombed dropped on Nagasaki]  If that’s too harsh, think of it as more a B-52 bomber carpet bombing an entire area.

Why is it such a big deal to like Vegas so much, someone may ask?   After all, people have various hobbies, likes, and dislikes.  This is true, and that behavior reflects back on an individual’s personality.

For example, if you knew a grown adult who enjoyed torturing and mutilating animals for no apparent reason, you’d probably think he wasn’t all together upstairs.  If you had children, you probably wouldn’t want to leave them alone with a guy like that, I’d assume.

The same representation of behavioral cues in reaction to various stimuli tell us a lot about a person’s trigger points and modus operandi. Vegas lovers of the aforementioned type are normally massive external stimulus junkies.  They do anything to get attention, be it positive or negative.   You can read the full analysis of stimulus junkies here:

Toxic Personalities in Dating: The Sole External Validation Seeker

Going one step beyond that, we get to core values.  Remember that this is the key component for being able to peg someone.  CORE VALUES Trump everything else.  How did Christopher Reeves’ Superman get the best of Lex Luther in Superman II?  He took a huge gamble, but he was banking on Lex Luther’s core values being greed when it’s all said and done.

Similarly, you can count that a Vegas lover’s core values are superficial external stimuli above all else and that’s a recipe for a disaster in a relationship.  (As it relates to my core values.)

Anyhow, if you needed to know the actual reason, there you have it.  If the pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo bores you, please go back and watch the Safety Dance video a second (or 10^th) time.  Clear your head, come back and resume from this point.

A Vegas loving dude and woman may coexist well in some bizarre way, but that’s not my really my concern.  Which brings me to another point: This is NOT gender specific.  It applies to MEN as well.

If my female friend or cousin is looking to have a meaningful relationship/boyfriend and the guy can’t wait to pack a trip to “Rehab” at the Hardrock, I’d tell her the same thing.  Forget about it. He ain’t a keeper. (By the way, I’m talking someone more mature than 21 year-olds just figuring out what they want to do.)

So devise your own tests.  I shared one of mine.  It’s the Vegas test, and as I mentioned, it has never failed.  Even when I thought that it may have failed in case of a friend who was dating someone, months later, it still proved to be accurate.

The Vegas test works extremely well for me because it’s close to Southern California.  Everyone here is all too familiar with Vegas.

While the Vegas test may not tell me if a girl is a “Keeper,” it will definitely and unequivocally tell me whether she is NOT one very quickly.   Let’s be clear:  There are various reasons why someone may not be a suitable mate for you.  I’ve found the Vegas test to be an effective filter for one of those many reasons.

By the way, I’m very proud of this article.  Not so much because of the well thought out, well explained, accurate and practical advice regarding if someone is girlfriend material, but more so that I was able to work in two non-sequitur 80s songs, Superman II, and analysis of the Safety Dance video  into the article.

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Cameron

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Dear Cameron-

To be honest, I found your blog by mistake when I was searching for answers about why women flake.  Google brought me to your blog and while I didn’t like (or rather didn’t wish to believe) your response, I kept reading and am very glad I did.  The reason I wasn’t responsive at first was my own frustration and being tired of being rejected, and your content forced me to accept that it is what it is and there isn’t a grand conspiracy of women trying to make me fail.

Your blog has given me a huge number of answers, and restored a lot of my confidence.  I fell specifically for David D’s materials, but I kept returning them once I kept hearing non-answers in his programs, plus I HATED cocky funny.

I haven’t bought your program yet, but I intend to sometime in the future.  I’m fascinated by the different personality types especially with your post on the Myer-Briggs test.  My result was “INTJ – The Scientist” which I suspect many of your readers to be.  My question for you is that since I believe that many (if not most) of your readers are “INTJ” would you write more blog posts on the personality types (or archetypes) that would relate well with “INTJ”?

I was fascinated with your series on the party chick, but I think you’re too focused on this archetype.  If that’s what your audience wants, then that’s your call, but I’m voicing my opinion here.   I also have a question for me personally.  Reading through I believe that the personality I’d like best in a woman is “ENFJ – The Giver”.

My second question to you is where can I find this personality (or your equivalent archetype) of woman?  My biggest problem is that I feel comfortable with women, I’m hardly afraid to ask them out, I just need to MEET more of them.  I’m a home body, I hate going to bars and clubs to meet women, and I really don’t want to waste my time dating women I know I wouldn’t connect with.

I admit, I’m looking for a relationship because it’s been awhile for me, and I’d like to get involved with someone of quality.  I read your “Casino of Dating“ post which was brilliant and I’d love to throw some house parties, but I’d like to find where an ENFJ woman would hang around so I can invite them.

I’ve only met one in recent memory, so it’s tricky for me to tell.  Obviously there wouldn’t be a “meeting place” for women that are givers (ENFJ), but I just wish to know more on how to spot them.  Even if you wrote a piece about this type of woman, I’d be incredibly grateful. I’d like more information on this subject Cam, and I know you won’t dissapoint.

Your loyal fan, -Ben

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Hey Ben,

Thanks for the very honest and sincere letter.   I am glad Google pointed you the right way. Lol

You’re correct in your assessment of my articles.  There are probably a number of articles on Party Chicks and how to get those type of chicks.  That’s the type most blog readers struggle with, and it’s the type of woman most commonly found in nightclubs and bars.  I’ve gotten request/emails from quite a few different guys to write about the type of girls who are actually WORTH dating and so the next article is going to cover one such particular type.

I don’t know that it’ll specifically discuss the “ENFJ” personality type but I’ll discuss a type of woman I’ll dub as “Nurturers and Givers.”   You may not like going to bars and clubs, and the amazing thing is, neither does this archetype.

After the next article, you’ll have a good understanding of the type, and you’ll know when you have met one.  There are behavioral and conversational clues that once you know are so obvious, you’ll probably think, “Wow, why didn’t I notice that before!”

Thanks for reading the blog, and spread the word regarding it when you can.

Cameron

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Building Attraction Secrets Ebook

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How To Get Girls Without Ever Being Rejected Again!

Have you ever had a moment where you felt rejected and ashamed?  Where there were butterflies in your stomach and you walked away with your head hanging low feeling like you were going to projectile vomit from the shame of being rejected by that girl you liked?  You felt like a total loser.

Remember what a piece of shit you felt like?  Well, you never have to be rejected ever again.  With my new system, you’ll never have that shame.

And if you send me 500 Dollars right now, I’ll share my inner most secrets, only held for my inner-sanctum club members who must sign an affidavit that they’ll never share this information with anyone again.

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I bet you have seen that catchy headline in big bold letters before, haven’t ya?  Hey, I’ve seen it without even trying.  I am sure you’ve seen it a few times.  Quite frankly, some dating gurus do believe in that. (I’ll get to that later)

So then, how about Never Ever Being Rejected Again?

Guess what?

It’s bullshit.

Yep.  Sorry, I’m the one who has to burst that bubble, but you’ve gotta admit you were a bit of a sucker for believing that headline to begin with.  Before I discuss the dating aspect of all of this, you’ve got to wonder:

How did our society come to be this way?  Some would argue it’s rise of fanatical feminism, the emasculation of America, others would argue it’s the lack of father figures in the lives of the modern day men.  Well, let’s leave that philosophical discussion for a different time.

Regardless of who you are, somewhere, sometime, you’re going to have to deal with rejection.  It may not even be a person. I’ll get back to that in a minute as well.  But first, I want to share a story.

Several years back, I came across a girl at a house party who was a cocktail waitress.  She has just moved to Los Angeles from Las Vegas.  She had various tales of working in one of the hottest Casinos in Vegas.  However, there was one particular story that shared three different times!

Her claim to fame, the story she liked to repeat, was that while working at the Bellagio casino in Vegas, Matt Damon had hit on her.

“Did you go out with him?  What happened?”   People curiously wondered.  Inquiring minds wanted to know.  I mean, it’s motherf**king Matt Damon.  Do tell!

To which she proudly and boastfully replied with a particular roar:

“NO way!!  He is so not my type”

I know!  I am with you!  Chances are your initial reactions were similar to mine!

Your initial gut reaction is to think “WTF?  Matt Damon wouldn’t use your hair to wipe his ass if he were fresh out of toilet paper after engorging for 3 hours at the Bellagio buffet.”

Then you have to allow cooler heads to prevail and realize that this is a statement born out of insecurity.  One that she had to repeat constantly and then mention on top of it that he was not her type made her feel better somehow.

It dawned on me at some point that she received more gratification from having rejected Mr. Damon than had she gone out on a date, (or perhaps just to his room for a shag.)  Now, she can be boast about having rejected Matt Damon.  A lot of girls may talk about having slept with him, but how many can proudly boast about rejecting him?

Yes, people’s psyche can be a bit screwed up.  That’s not the point of this story.  (And by the way, this is a true story from about 5 years ago.)

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Not Good Enough........

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The point is, at the end of the day, Matt Damon didn’t succeed in getting this girl.  Really good looking, rich, international movie star with all of his hits in the” Ocean’s 11” and “Jason Bourne” trilogies didn’t get this girl.

Most guys reading this blog are NOT Matt Damon.  Well, most guys in the world aren’t in terms of, let’s call it,  “Bachelor Eligibility.”  Point being, if it can happen to that dude, then it’s going to happen to everyone else as well. The key is: With what perspective do you look at it???

Well, sometimes, I like to speculate.  Right about now, I am speculating that what Matt Damon probably did NOT do is run to his suite at that famous Vegas Hotel and order a “Never Be Rejected Again” product by scam–marketers on the Internet.

Of course, that’s just a speculation on my part.  Well… you get the idea.

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Trying to eliminate all rejection before ever stepping out is, not only impractical, but it’s a bit shameful.  Fact of the matter is there will be times, where for whatever reason, you may be turned down.  As I mentioned earlier, it may not even be by a person or a dating situation.

It happens man.  You go on a job interview and you don’t get a job offer.  You were by far the best candidate and the job went to someone the hiring manager knew personally.  A bit of nepotism at work.

It happens.  So what? Trying to live life so you can never fail is a weird proposition.  Not to mention most of the guys who advocate this type of behavior would never have your back in a fight.  I have no respect for that.

The fact of the matter is almost everyone experiences set backs.  It’s the resilient who keep pushing forward, and we are talking about far outside the scope of dating here.  You see it in business, politics, and sports, everywhere…

It’s extremely prevalent in sports.  Many times, sports are a microcosm of life.  How many times have you seen a sports team or an athlete fall short only to get back up to try again?  You see it from world famous champions, whether you watch basketball, football, boxing or MMA.

Now, in the dating world, different guys have different methods. I’ve had friends who hand women a business card and if she is interested, she can call them. (There is a way to set this up properly).   Even then, they are a lot female card-recipients who’ll never call. Others may say, “I’m going to social event XYZ.  Come join us.”  She may or may not show.

Is that a straight forward rejection?  Perhaps not, but it’s still a “Not all that interested” signal.

What does it mean? Nothing really, outside of at this point in time, for reasons we don’t really know, she is not interested.

In the same manner, YOU may not be interested in a woman.  It may be her physical appearance, it may be her personality, or maybe you can’t stand dumb girls.  It doesn’t matter.  As far as she can tell, you’re not interested in seriously dating her.  A random individual could read the above and says, “No duh.  That’s common sense.“   He’d be right.  It is common sense, and yet that seems to elude so many who seem to come down with a serious case of cognitive dissonance when it comes to dating and women.   Their logical circuitry is completely overwhelmed by their emotional zeal to discover a new method where it can lessen the burden of rejection.

No one really likes rejection.  Some people are more sensitive to it than others. Part of it is life experience, and part of it is how your brain processes information.  If you look at Myers’ Briggs personality test based on Carl Jung’s work, you start to make more sense out of it. An individual who is feeling/perceiving is going to be more sensitive for example.

Fresh out college, I once had a sales job where I had to make cold-calls on the phone.  I hated it.  I did it, but I fucking hated it.  I couldn’t even explain why, but I absolutely despised making those calls. I didn’t know these people, they didn’t know me.  We didn’t even know what the other looked like, but I despised it.

A buddy of mine on the other hand, didn’t mind it so much. He could make 6 phone calls where people used profanities, insulted him, and hung up.   ”Oh, that just means they weren’t interested.  Next person” he’d say. To him, it was no big deal. he plowed through like a bulldozer.  So some people seem to be wired differently, but everyone can learn to deal with rejection.

• Back to the dating world, there is no magical formula that’s going to free of rejection forever and ever.

People are writing these (Never Be Rejected Again) headlines are

1. Full of shit
2. Assuming that you’re a total pussy
3. That you are a sucker who’ll believe anything.

They might as well sell you a book/dvd on how to contact the tooth fairy and Santa  Clause.

Some girls are not going to be interested for a wide variety of reasons.  Instead of working on becoming more attractive by being more appealing engaging and interesting in general, men, get lost in the magical kingdom of trying to never be rejected again.

To think of how silly that notion is, I want you to imagine a tough character; and hey, who serves as a better example etched in people’s minds than Clint Eastwood!

Whether it was in his early cowboy films (the Spaghetti Westerns), the “Dirty Harry” series, or most recently in “Grand Torino” (at age 80) Clint is the quintessential tough guy, a man’s man, a throwback to the old days.

Now imagine, someone like him sitting behind his computer seeking advice on how to never be rejected by a woman again.

It’s like trying to imagine someone intelligent and well-informed watching fox news constantly.  You can’t do it.  It’s hard to even imagine that in an alternate universe.  It’s almost like your brain would rather have you push diarrhea into your pants than try to imagine in detail one of those Clint Eastwood characters sitting behind a computer attempting to seek advice on “How to never be rejected again.”

So, I say go for it.  Take calculate risks and if you fall short, pick yourself up, and go for it again. She doesn’t want to go out with you?  Fine. Happens to everybody.  It’s how you handle it from there that separates the men from the boys, so to speak.

In attempting to avoid rejection at all costs, what kind of precedence are you setting for yourself?  What sort of precedence are you creating in your psyche?

If you were to have kids one day, how would you want to raise them?  Think about that for a minute.  Then consider how full of shit the guy giving you the advice is.

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Granted, you can choose to view rejection in different ways.  It’s basic psychological reframing.

• The Law of Averages

I was involved in doing Sales for many years where you come to learn about the law of averages quickly.  Let’s presume you sold a product that 1 out of 10 people actually purchased.

So, you have a good presentation, a decent product, and you make your pitch. You ask 10 people to buy and on the average, you get one sale.  It’s just the way it goes.  On the average, 9 out of 10 people are not going to buy your product.  With each rejection, you know that you’re getting closer to a yes.

Mathematically speaking, there is no guarantee that the tenth person will buy or say “yes.”  Nevertheless, in the back of your mind you know the law of averages.  A lesser salesperson may get 1 out of 20.  You can 1 out of 10, and if you’ve had 7 nays thus far, a “Yes” is around the corner.

What’s important to realize is that rejection or “Not Interested at the moment” replies happen to almost everybody.  The key is to take it in stride, and learn from it.  It’s easy sometimes to take to take matters we consider intimate personally even when they are not.

In the dating realm, do remember ultimately, if you’re seeking more confidence in dating, you have to arrive at a point where you can be OK with the fact that some girls just will not be interested and that’s OK.  It even happens to Mr. Matt Damon hitting on a confused (But attractive) Vegas casino cocktail waitress.

Lengthy article, but well worth your time to revisit it time to time.  What you can take away:

1. People selling “Never Be Rejected Advice” are usually scam artists.
2. They’re assuming that you’re a completely spineless pussy.
3. They’re also assuming you’re an idiot, or at least, naive.
4. Rejection happens in Dating to all people.
5. Rejection does not feel good, but happens in all walks of life
6. The important thing is to keep moving forward.
7. Learn something from it, and take it stride.
8. Remember the law of Averages.
9. You’re not the first, nor the last.
10. A “No” is getting you just one step closer to a “Yes.”

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Cameron

Learn to Attract Women Naturally by getting a copy of the Building Attraction Ebook.

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This is the toughest thing for some guys to do sometimes, and to make matters worse, trying to beat around the bush only compounds the issue.

Typical scenario: Guy reads dating advice online.  He wants to be a player or discreet, or whatever. He starts trying all sorts of clever techniques to ask a girl out. The problem essentially is that a lot of guys want to use player lines and styles while they lack any sort of congruency with that vibe.

Sometimes, the basics work the best.  I mean something cliché that you see in the movies.  So what’s the obstruction?

Well, everyone wants to be a player. Maybe not every single dude, but a lot of the guys who seek dating advice seek so under the guise of becoming the proverbial Lothario, a Don-Juan, a ladies man, or the modern day Cassanova.  Now days, they call it being a “Player.”  (I’ll get back to the reason why this is later.)

Sometimes, becoming normal is the most important thing.  Then take it up a notch from there.  Hence, some of the advice seekers would be so far better off asking a girl on a date.

Can I take you out sometime?  (or would you like to go dinner with me)

[PS. And as you know,  I don't even endorse dinner dates, but you get the idea.]

Man, they’re so cliché, passé , old-school, they’re so…….. 1950s, like Richie Cunningham from “Happy Days.”

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Richie Cunningham

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Right?  Yep, it may be all of that, and it’d probably work better than what a lot of guys seeking dating advice are using right now. Guys find refuge on the Internet to seek advice regarding Dating, but often times, ending up stepping backwards.  They try devising clever schemes and roundabout unconventional means to try and ask a girl out.

They’ll talk about getting a number close, or a “Bridge” or whatever  vernacular is the current popular flavor of the day.  Surely, the terminology will change, but the concept is the same:  They’ll ask a girl out in nonchalant ways  such as, “We should continue this conversation later.  How do we go about doing that?”

This is to entice her, or perhaps drop the subtle hint that she should offer the phone number herself.  Some guys don’t even do that. They send an invitation to some obscure event without trying to imply the context that it’s a date.  Most of the time, it doesn’t work very we for those particular dudes.  Most such guys would be just better off trying the “Old-School” way most often.

But wait, I can almost hear the yelling and screaming through my monitor now:

“But that’s what losers do, pundits and hardliners scream and shout. What?  Ask a girl out? Go on a traditional date! Ha! That’s what chumps do.”

Well, Perhaps, but then I’d give a thumbs up to the chump who is out with a girl he likes on a traditional date, than a guy alone by himself under the illusion that he somehow is better than that chump.

I have a buddy (not in anyway involved with dating advice) who dates often.  His personal favorite thing to do is ask girls out on a dinner date.  Personally I highly advise against “Dinner Dates” and if you’ve read my Ebook, you are already aware.  That discussion is for another day.  Girls who are interested follow through, and no, it’s not because they want a free dinner (for the smart asses reading this right now.)   It should be said that my buddy is not rich or über -good looking.  However, he does dress well, and comes across as having his shit together.

So, why am I advocating the old-school method for some men?

For a variety of reasons:

A.  It makes sense in the girl’s perception of reality.  This is a very concept that deserves its own article.  However, for the time being, it’s important to understand that  she has a certain understanding of how things work in the dating realm.

There are years of conditioning that have lead to where she is now. Let’s observe:

Social Conditioning

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There were the middle school dances that started when she was 12 or 13 years old.
There were high school events.
There was homecoming.
Of course, there was THE PROM!

A guy asked a girl out and they went to the prom together, and then it just built on from there.  Not to mention countless movies that are built around this dynamic.  How many teenage romantic comedies can you name just now that are built around a girl or hapless guy trying to score that big prom date for that ever so significant high school event?

Being asked out on a date in socially conditioned and ingrained in our psyches, at least, with most of us in the Western part of the world.  (I am not aware how this works within a tribal society in the Serengeti plains of Africa.  Forgive my limitations here.)

And by the way,  if you’re a cool suave motherfucker like Mickey Rourke, go ahead and break all conventional rules.  Be the cool charming guy from nine and a half weeks.  Take her on a whirlwind ride and be the romance hero from a romance novel.  Wait, if you were that, you wouldn’t be online seeking dating advice.  (Between you and me, let’s be honest here.)

So you’re not a Mickey Rourke.  You want to be Mickey Rourke, but in order to become that guy, you need to have more girls.  In order to get girls, you have to start somewhere. So maybe you start the traditional way.

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Everybody wants to be the Fonz

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With more dates, you get more experience. With more experience, you gain more comfort with women, and your confidence grows.  When your confidence peaks, well, maybe you will be one cool suave mofo.    See, it all makes sense. (And that’s why this is the best blog of its kind on the Internet, but I digress.)

One thing we can surely on agree on is that meeting in secret lairs in subterranean dwellings with other unidentified organisms is not the way to go. So then, back to something conventional: IT makes sense to her

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B.  There is no misunderstanding of context.

Going on a date automatically implies a romantic context.  There is no misunderstanding, nothing lost in translation.  After that evening, either you’ll want to see each other again, or you won’t.  There is no misunderstanding of WHY you two are spending time together.  Often times, guys wonder if she knows what his intentions are.  Chances are pretty good that shoe does. However, asking her out on a “Date” per se puts some sort of a stamp on it.  It’s better than asking for an email address or a facebook.

Sometimes nothing screams “What A Big Pussy” louder than asking a girl for her Facebook contact info.

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C.  It saves time.  Some guys are actually busy as they have careers and a life.

I’ve come across guys who have their own careers, work, and so forth.  I’ve come across all types.  I’ve met guys who were married and now are divorced finding themselves back on the single scene.  Maybe YOU can relate to this?  They get online, receive some decent advice, but then they also find themselves dressing up in outlandish gear trying to make conversation with 23 year old Attention-Deficit Disorder suffering idiots in a night club full of sharks.

This is probably not the best use of your time, strengths, or resources. It’s best to play to your strengths.

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Is “Asking A Girl On A Date” an end-all, be-all, solution?  Not at all.  If you lack skills to make playful banter conversation, or lack skills to flirt and have fun with girls, you’re still going to have to develop those skills.  For certain men, it’ll be a terrible idea.  If you’re too nervous to even chat with a girl, you may be better off making some casual progress first before you start going the traditional route.  There are obviously various styles of dates and methods of asking someone out, and perhaps, I’ll do an article on that some other time.

For the moment, however, undoubtedly there are men who will come across this blog article and they’ll  identify themselves as guys similar to my aforementioned buddy.  Well put together, (groomed, clean, well dressed, and looking like you take care of yourself), these particular guys will benefit MORE from just asking a girl to go on a date than trying to use clever secret roundabout techniques to get a girl out. Asking a girl out will be far more efficient and effective than asking for “Facebook” or inviting her to some random party that you may be attending, and so forth.

But then, what if you want to be a player and come across as smooth?   That’s fine.  That’ll come with experience.  You just have to ask yourself one question:

-          Are you looking to come across as a “Player” because this means you have more women around you, OR, are you just interested in appearing “Cool” in front of your buddies, coworkers, and other people in general?

That, you have to answer for yourself.  While you contemplate that, remember sometimes the answer lies in simplicity.    Sometimes that simplicity is,

“Would you join me for a drink sometime!”

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Get a copy of Building Attraction Ebook now.

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My last article on this blog was written just over two months ago, and I am long overdue for a blog article.  It’s the holiday season and in the spirit of Christmas, I thought I’d chime in something I’ve been thinking about recently: The importance of your outside influences.

The majority of men who find their way onto dating-advice websites all share a common theme, and this overwhelming theme is often the catalyst that obstructs their path.  It hinders or stunts their success levels and sometimes it is compounded further by outside influences.

That common factor shared by most men is doubt and over-analyzing situations and the outside factors are friends and acquaintances who seem to sometimes suffer from similar ailments.

When it comes to dating women, I always say,

“It’s better to be a delusional optimist than a pessimistic realist.”

I should preface the above comment with a quick note: There is a baseline set of social skills required to experience favorable interactions with the opposite sex.  Heck, that baseline of social skills is essential in life regardless of which gender.  Furthermore, certain men as well as women lack effective flirting skills which often retards their chances of effective sexual communication and banter

Those skills are a must and if you’ve read my Ebook, you already know that I painstakingly cover a lot of such skills in various chapters.

But then, what if you have some of these decent skills and you’re still having issues?

Often times, it comes to a lack of belief in oneself and one’s abilities.  Doubt creeps in and a person starts visualizing “What if” scenarios.  From there, it’s a downward spiral.  The possibilities may be endless and that person is caught in a whirlwind of negative outcomes he/she is imagining.

Attraction and Dating is vastly different than most activities in life.  Part of the very mechanism of that attraction is confidence.  It also enables you to move forward more efficiently without hesitation.  Yet, it can be fragile and shaky in some and to make matters worse, you can be derailed by acquaintances who are discouraging.

Imagine a guy who in the eyes of society was not the best “Catch.”  Let’s say he is not physically very unappealing, and he is not the most socially smooth guy around.  (Not saying he is socially retarded either.  Just average)/

So this guy decides to approach quite a few physically attractive women.   He keeps getting shut down.  He gets everything from “Sorry, not interested” to “I have a boyfriend” and a slew of wrong numbers.  10, 20, 30, women later, he still hasn’t made a connection.   But then at some point, he meets one who is interested and who does like him.   Who knows the exact reason why, but for whatever reason, she digs him.

I’ve seen some weird shit out there, let me tell ya.

What’s the point?  Most guys would never make it past the first 10 women who expressed disinterest. They’d lose hope and confidence.  This situation will only be compounded by the naysayers around who at every turn will take turns trying to discourage him.

These discouragements sometimes can take a greater toll than you realize.   The point of this post, if you haven’t figured it out by now, is not to advocate being stagnant and never improving.  On the contrary, it’s to always improve oneself, but at the same time knowing that a little encouragement goes a long way in empowering you to push forward in the right direction.

So take a good look at round the people you hang around with most often.  Do they encourage you, or are they constantly discouraging you?  Do they truly want to see you do better or are they more worried about how they’d look in comparison to you?

You may have some serious decisions to make as far as whom you spend your time with.

Cameron

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Building Attraction Ebook

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In Part 1 of the Solely External Validation-Seeker, I talked about individuals who possess this personality trait.  It’s a toxic trait that will eventually destroy your relationship with that person if you’re someone who has deeper aspects to his/her personality.

If you deal with certain segments of society, then naturally you’re going to experience more of such encounters.  Sometimes, this is just the byproduct of too much time spent in the nightclub scene.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve heard, “Women are just shallow whores” or “Men are selfish assholes.”

The problem is a great percentage of the people you run into at nightclub type of venues in big cities are the externally validated, empty people. The danger in that is that it skews your perception of the opposite sex.  Men will start thinking women are shallow, superficial bitches, and women will think men are shallow, selfish assholes.

They’re both right given the circumstances which they have chosen to evaluate people.

To be fair, some cities such as New York are a bit different as they seem to have a lot of bars and pubs where people hang out to socialize.  They are not necessarily your average “Party” Crowd.    Los Angeles, on the other hand, doesn’t really offer that alternative.  (Which is unfortunate.)

Someday, most of these people will get married for various reasons.  For some, it’ll be economical, and others just cultural.  A great deal of them will go through bitter divorces involving grief and scummy lawyers, but that was self-evident long before the words “I do” were ever exchanged.    I’ve come across men who were multi-millionaires with forever sworn enemies named, “my Ex-wife.”

Part of the goal of this series on toxic-personas is to provide clarity and provide keys on recognizing toxic traits within people.

Facebook provided a good example that everyone can relate to these days.  Everyone seems to be on there.  Even people’s pets have profile pages now!

You’ll observe that people of similar ilk display the same behavior patterns.  You’ll come to recognize those behavior patterns quickly with the power from a little observation and common sense.

Case and point: You’re talking to some individual at a party and she mentions how much she loves going to rehab. (No, not for substance abuse.  That’d mean she is actually trying to better her life).  This is a different type of “Rehab.”

So, what is Rehab?

Well, let’s put it this way: If we lived in the Star Trek era, (say another 300 years into the future), and the United Federation of Planets gathered up all of the biggest douchebags in the galaxy from various planets and put them all at a weekend afternoon pool party in Las Vegas, you’d have rehab.

It’s the newest greatest craze in Las Vegas.  Gigantic pool parties with booze flowing that are essentially night clubs during the day time.

Business wise, it’s brilliant!  Dating wise, it’s a disaster.

I’ve never been to rehab (pool party or the drug addiction kind), but I’ve talked to enough rehab frequenters to know the type of individuals going to this.  I am sure some people go for fun, but there is a good majority who go repeatedly and often!  They’re the “rehab types.”

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"Rehab" Pool Party

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So what’s the point of this rehab discussion?  Here is a no-nonsense practical application:

You’re at a house party, (or some social gathering), talking to a random girl and she tells you how much she enjoys going to rehab in Vegas OFTEN. Right then, you can deduce quite a few things from that simple admission.

1. She sleeps around often and indiscriminately.  (Looking for quick lay?  This is your chick!)
2. She often gets drunk and makes out with guys, but cannot later even explain why she made out with some guy she has no interest in.
3. Most likely, she will not make a suitable partner if you’re looking to have a serious relationship.

Let’s give it fair balance, however.  This is not one sided by any means.  What if you’re a female reading this and can recall conversations with dudes telling you they love rehab that much?  I mean, what if you’re one of my female friends asking me what I think of some dude you just met at a party?

“He mentioned he can’t wait till the summer to go to rehab in Vegas every few weeks and this dude is past his mid 20s?   It’s overwhelmingly clear, my Dear Watson: He is a Douchebag!”

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Stories of Rehab :  Meet Gino!

I hang out with Gino 2 or 3 times every fiscal year.  You’d like Gino too.  He’s fun to hang with, and likes to joke around.  He is also quick to tell me about his latest exploits and he doesn’t even know I write a Dating-Blog!  Come to think of it, he is the first person who introduced me to “Rehab.”  He keeps telling me how I should go.

As you might have guessed by now, Gino just  hit “Rehab” a few times this past summer but he learned a new trick up his sleeve this time around.  He keeps hitting himself in the head as to why he didn’t start doing this trick years ago: You can trade cocaine for sex.

In a recent rehab adventure, Gino received a blow job in the toilet when he offered a girl some blow upon meeting her at the pool.    You should really see the exuberance Gino’s face.

I wasn’t there when Thomas Edison finally got that first light bulb to work and change the course of human history forever, but I’d like to think it was a grin as big and proud as Gino’s!  Yes, ladies and gentleman, you could use cocaine to lure chicks.  (Unlike most dating advice online by gurus, this trick does work!)

Is it right or wrong? It is ethical? Is it cool?  Well, that all depends whose perspective you look at it from.

I suppose if you’re the guy receiving the blowjob, you think it’s right!  I mean, if you’re Gino, desperately seeking a blow job from a random female, then giving up a few grams of cocaine to receive oral sex is “Fair Trade.”   You get a blowjob, she gets to snort coke, and the dealer you bought from may invest the money in something legit so it may even help the US economy in these desperate times.

Then again, if you’re the guy back in town who is actually dating the girl who is blowing Gino in a Vegas bathroom, you may think of it as a raw deal.   Upon her return home, you’d give her a hello-kiss, and be prepped to get a taste of Gino to go along with….

If you’re the father of the girl who is now blowing Gino in exchange for snorting cocaine, you probably feel like a failure as a parent.   Whether you were abusive, or neglecting , it’s irrelevant now.  It’s official: Beyond any reasonable doubt, you failed miserably as a parent.

If you’re the guy reading this blog right at this moment, you gotta decide which side of the friggin’ fence you are on.   Which guy do you want to be?   I don’t want to be any of them.

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Whooops

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So let’s bring this thing full circle from where we started: The Exclusively-externally validated stimulus junkie personality trait.

People’s actions speak louder than words.  I don’t know how old that cliché is, but it’ll never become obsolete because it’ll always remain accurate.

Are all “Rehab” party goers of Gino’s and miss coke-whore’s ilk?   Nope.  Not every single person obviously.  However, repeated patterns of behavior display the motivational factors in a person’s psyche.    If the repeated behavior exemplifies that of the examples in this article and the last, then you can be certain the writing is on the wall.

It’s inevitable that there will be problems with your friendships & relationships with the aforementioned type of individuals if you share a different set of values than they do.  It’s as inevitable as you right now throwing your shoe up in the air and observing gravity bringing it back down.

As you’ve probably figured out by now, this is not about sex.  It’s about what values people hold close to their chest.  So when I meet a Mr. “I try to go to Rehab 10 times every summer,” I intuitively have a strong gut reaction as to whom I dealing with.

So what do you know about that particular dude?

A.  Very likely that this guy will try to sleep with the girl you’re dating.  He may not succeed but he will try.

B.  He’ll party with you, but will ditch you to upgrade his situation.

C.  If you had a minor infraction (too many parking tickets?) that landed you in the county jail and you had to be bailed out on a Friday afternoon or else spend the weekend there ‘til Monday morning, well, if you were relying on Rehab dude to post bail and he had a 15% chance of getting a blowjob from a coke-whore, you better start befriending the biggest mother-effer in that jail because you’re spending the weekend.

(Note, not speaking from experience on that last one! It’s speculation on my part.)

Is it malicious or evil? Not at all.  It’s just the way they are.  Do you blame a stray dog running around for suddenly biting you?  Do you get mad at it and take it personal?  You might, but you also realize that the stray animal is just that.  It may bite you.

Same story with the solely-external-stimulus driven rehab junkie. He/she acts the way that comes from seeking that external stimulus that is  consistent with someone void of character.  Should you pursue a close relationship/(Dating/friendship/whatever) with that individual, you’re going to pay the price.

This is unless, of course, you’re a fellow person of the same ilk.  In that case, you’ll get along really well.

Choose Wisely.

Cameron

Building Attraction Secrets Ebook

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Continuing with the series on Toxic personality traits, I am going to reveal one of the most toxic traits you could ever run into out in the world: The solely externally validated stimulus junkie. This particular personality trait is one of the most toxic of all.  The complainer may annoy the hell out of you with his bullshit complaints, but at least he may mean well.

As usual, I’ll provide the reasoning and the backround and then provide concrete real life examples of how these individuals operate.  Once you understand the modus operandi of such people, you shall easily recognize their behavioral patterns.

How you choose to deal with such persons then, obviously, is entirely up to you.

What exactly do I mean by a solely externally validated individual? Externally-validated stimulus junkies suffer from a need for constantly searching for some sort of validation and stimulus from the outside world.  Now, it’s  not uncommon for human beings to seek approval of a person or persons.  It may be the approval of a parent, friend, mentor, or sports coach, most of us have all tried to impress someone.  That’s just part of growing up, I believe.

The externally-validated stimulus junkie takes it to unprecedented levels.  Their need to receive constant approval as well as stimulus will destroy your relationship and drive you insane.

But then, doesn’t everyone to some extent want to be liked?

Yes, of course.  It’s a natural tendency for human beings to want to be liked.  Sometimes, upon receiving the impression no one will like him/her, a person will turn to a polar opposite direction and become mean spirited to everyone.   It’s somewhat reminiscent of the George Foreman story.  One of the greatest boxers of all time, he became a super nice guy later on in life, and even put his name on a grill that’s made him close to a 100 Million Dollars.  (Yes, that grill has been that profitable for him!)

By his own admission, he was a mean-spirited thug who was abusive in his youth.  In short, he was an a**hole.  He figured no one liked him, and he wasn’t going to like anyone either. He was going to be a mean spirited rude bastard and who was going to challenge him?  He was after all George Foreman, one of the greatest heavy weight boxers of all time.

It’s not all that different of a story with various factions of people such as goths, punks and the like.

Their external appearance is designed to somewhat garner attention from the rest of the world, but before they ever put that hideous outfit on, they decided the world didn’t like them either.  While this dynamic could warrant its own article, today’s article isn’t about that.  (But that’s another toxic personality trait for another day: “I hate the world” type of individual.)

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• Let’s get back to the topic at hand: Sole External validation and stimulus junkies.

Ok, we figured out most of us want to be liked, or at least respected, by some people. Whether it’s our friends, peers,  bosses, or subordinates, we do desire a level of mutual respect.  Even a rogue and generally disliked individual like basketball player Kobe Bryant still desires the respect of his peers in the field.

Here is the key point:  That desire must be counter-balanced with an internal source of validation and comfort. The external must be balanced with the internal strength.  It’s through this balance that a level playing field can be established.

Henceforth, the type of individuals I am discussing in this article are almost completely driven by outside stimulation.  They have a constant need  for approval or attention of others.  This never stops. There is a constant search as to from where that new external validation will come.  An insatiable appetite for external attention from others consumes them, and they’re on a quest for that stimulus.

These are the type of people who will flake on you in a heartbeat regardless of the situation.

In the night scene, that outside stimulus could include  parties, loud music, various concoctions of drugs and alcohol, the “seen and be seen” type of spots, and  various forms of lewd behavior designed to just garner attention to fill an abyss that cannot be filled.

If you care to read about this particular scene, I wrote an article on “Party chicks” which you can find here for reference.   Definitive Post on Party Chicks part 2

In this article, I am going to take it way beyond that.  This is not a “How to get laid” article as you probably have figured out by now. There are other blogs for that.   It’s geared towards avoiding negative relationships, and fostering positive ones with quality individuals.

Negative relationships, be it in friendships, romance, or business will suck your emotional and mental energy (and sometimes financial too), and detract from your quality of life.  This type of trait is not, however, limited to clubs and bars and other such environments.   You don’t have to a drunken lush flashing her tits while dancing on table tops to put two and two together. There are clues everywhere around you.

People’s behaviors reveal their inner beliefs and their core values.

Take Facebook as an example.   It’s the most popular social networking site at the moment so for 2010, it’ll serve as a good example.  The social networking sites and trends may change through out the years and decades, but human behavior will remain consistent throughout centuries.

Leaf through someone’s facebook account and it’ll tell you so much about their persona.  OK, so you met a girl at a party and you only chatted for a short bit.    You become facebook friends and you check out their profile.  You may even be excited about this new person you just met, but a ten minute chat hasn’t given you enough insight into their personality.  . (If you’re a girl, you can apply some of these to a dude’s facebook as well.)

You met that person on his/her best behavior when you first met.

So here is a simple guideline of observations regarding someone’s persona that just jumps out at you with very little effort:

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Facebook Status Updates:

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You see someone inundate their facebook account with random weird updates, and that already tells you everything you need to know.  We’ve all seen these in some form.   I’ll translate the actual real social meaning in parenthesis below.

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“Just had lunch with xyz. so fabulous…”

(Ahh, it was an OK lunch, but trying to sound ridiculously positive is the in-trend, plus I can maintain my usual levels of pretentiousness.)

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“Love you girlie. you guys are so awesome.”

(Pay attention to me BITCH!!)

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“I have the greatest friends.  You guys are so great“

(I wish I had friends instead of the fellow self-absorbed douchebags I hang out with)

(PS. When the above is posted repeatedly while you have 500 friends on facebook, this just makes you a bit of attention seeking loser who really doesn’t have a single solid friend.)

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“Hey, girlie, we have to get out soon!  I miss you guys so much!”

(Pay attention to me BITCH!!)

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“Going to club xyz to see DJ funkyzeit spin.”

(I’m a moron.)

{free tip to all: Anyone who ever discusses going to a nightclub with the motivation to see a particular DJ spin suffers from low IQ.  Seriously, I’ve never ever met a girl who was respectably intelligent utter or write those words in the above quote.  Nope, not even once!}

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“Oh, a *Delic* lunch with …..”

(Yes, I am that pretentions. I say delic, not delicious)

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“You bitches looook so fine in that photo!”

(Pay attention to ME now Bitches!!!)

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“Oh, this Diva doesn’t do that.”

(I’m a C*nt. any questions?)

Yes, I resorted to the dreaded “C” Word.  But it’s only because I once read in a scientific journal (JAMA?)   that diva is a synonym for c*nt!  And hey,  that was good enough for me.   Plus the person actually referring to herself as “This Diva” has certainly solidified c*nt-status beyond reasonable doubt.

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Here is the key:

The above “Status Updates”  are not mentioned in the spirit of sharing info with friends. They’re done so just to garner attention until their next update or tweet 30 minutes later.

1. That’s different than posts that are in the spirit of sharing or venting for that matter (stuck in traffic, etc).
2. They’re also different than posts meant to entertain or inform.

I have acquaintances that post often about particular topics they’re passionate about.  One such guy who is a proud atheist will often post updates on religious matters and another pal of mine will post links or comments to articles regarding political/economical matters. He posts links to articles regarding the war in Afghanistan or the economic crisis or faulty politicians.

These latter people are crusaders of sort, a completely different breed of person.  The crusader has a cause he deeply believes, just as he believes he is making a positive difference in the world with his updates.

I can respect a crusader.  Personally speaking, most of the time, I get along rather well with this type.  (Heck, you could make a case that I sort of am one.)

Setting my personal preferences aside, I’d bring attention the to majority of the updates, and the intention behind them.

What’s the intention behind these updates?

-Are they in the spirit of sharing, caring, entertaining, or perhaps even venting?

-Or is it , “hey, look at me, hey look at me.”

If it’s the latter, the person is not worth dating.  If you were looking to seriously get involved with someone

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• What about Photos?

The biggest giveaway is a collection of photos.  Photos do speak a 1000 words if I may resort to the cliché.

Incessant photos that are self-shots, or group shots where one person is completely trying to do outdo his/her friends for attention tell you a lot about the individual as well.

Once you are aware of these dynamics, you’ll come to notice them quickly.  You’ll see a photo and think, “Cool!  Just a bunch of friends goofing around, having fun, genuinely seem to like each others’ company.”  Then, you’ll see another photo and you’ll note each individual trying to subtly  (or blatantly sometimes) outdo each other.

So you spent 15 minutes of your time on Facebook and noticed a combination of the above self-absorbed status updates along with the [attention garnering] photos I described.  You already know you’re most likely dealing with someone who has toxic personality traits.

You’re swimming in shark infested waters.  Proceed accordingly, or maybe even find a different swimming spot.  Maybe one alongside dolphins who want to jump around you to entertain and play.  (OK, the dolphin thing was really cheesy, I’ll readily admit.  It gives it that feel-good Disney channel touch.)

The exclusively-externally validated stimulus junkies are the ones who will constantly flake on you, and they’re the type who will try to upgrade on you.

If you ever get the feeling in your gut that someone is constantly hesitant to make commitments or plans because he/she is just waiting to see if something better may come along, you’re dating the type of person I’ve just described here.

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In essence, the exclusively-externally validated individuals are like giant eggs.  They have a seemingly hard surface, but underneath it, they’re composed of mush and puss.

This is the polar opposite of a rock.  You could take a hammer and chisel away a piece from a giant rock and what do you find?  Just more solid rock underneath.  I suppose that’s why the expression is there: “Man, That guy is like a rock!”

Our relationships in life often directly affect the quality of our everyday life.   Being able to lean against a rock provides a more solid foundation than leaning over a giant hollow egg comprised of mushy goo.  If you want to attract Rock-Solid individuals, you should also take steps to become such a person yourself!  (Unfortunately, improving your own self-esteem is often overlooked in advice dating gurus give you!)

As always, to give it fair balance, remember that these toxic traits are HUMAN traits.  They apply equally to men as well as women.  Sometimes, I receive emails where an avid reader of my blog points out how some “Dating Guru” discussed the contents of one of my articles.  I then discover that they bastardized the article to make it seem like it’s something devious only women do.

Men and women both share personality traits, positive and negative.  In the next article, I’ll provide some examples of this, and environments where such individuals gather, and sometimes by people who are actually my acquaintances!!

Stay tuned…….

Cameron

PS. As always, the articles are meant to expand your knowledge provided you have the basic foundations in place.  To build that rock-solid foundation, you owe it to yourself to read my Ebook: Building Attraction Secrets

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Continuing in this series of toxic personality traits, we come to the examine the value taker.    This is a trait exhibited by individuals who have a great propensity towards self-absorption and a lack of willingness to want to contribute.

To compound the above mentioned issues, these individuals also may display a bewildering sense of entitlement.  I’ll explain that a bit later.

Like the complainer, the value-taker can become just as easy to spot, if you learn to know what to look for.   To start identifying this trait, you  just have to be aware of super basic tell-tale signs that give them away.

The most noticeable trait that is rather self evident is their complete disregard towards other people’s lives.  You’ll quickly note their tendency to not ask any questions about you.  When they do, it’s related to what they can siphon off for themselves.  It’s not about showing any actual interest in you.

So let’s assume you’re at a party, and you run to such types.  They’ll come into basic general varieties.

Type 1 : The Proverbial Gold-Digger who will dig for information: What do you drive?  Do you own or rent? What kind of a job?  They may not ask explicitly and blatantly, but they’ll try to investigate to discover this info.

Type II: Talk about themselves constantly.  Sometimes it’s the gold digger trying to impress you.  Having established you’re someone of value, she is going to want to make a good impression.  The most fascinating part this is that her own gold-digging prowess is limited by her lack of social skills.

It’ll sound like this: “Oh, I just moved her from Chicago, ya know I just love Chicago, but I moved out here, then when I got here, blah, blah, blah,… (2 min later)  then 3 weeks later when I was on this job, I heard that…. Blah, blah, blah…”

Their story is not anecdotal, nor does it have a point.  It’s not meant to entertain you, (because that’d be actually contributing something to the interaction), nor is it in the spirit of sharing and establishing rapport between two individuals.

It’s just a person talking.   It’s NOT whimsical, insightful, educational, anecdotal, humorous, or entertaining.  Just random words thrown in the air that follow enough of a format where they seem to make somewhat coherent sentences in the English language.  (or a foreign language for that matter.)

To go a step deeper, individuals with this toxic personality trait often display a sense of entitlement.  For some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of humanity, these people feel that they’re entitled to certain things.  For this reason, they’re the worst to deal with in any sort of relationship, be it friendships, business, or romantic.

You could easily gather a handful of various businessmen in a variety of industries and they could easily tell you the common behavioral patterns amongst problem customers who suffer from a sense of entitlement.

Let’s say you had some sort of a consulting service, and you’re one of the best at what you do.  Your rates for services rendered are an even $100 per hour.

A healthy person would enjoy your services, thank you for a job well done, and refer many clients towards word of mouth.

A toxic “Entitled” person would stay a half hour over time squeezing more of your services and time, (now up to 90 minutes instead of 60), and then at the end of all that, try to negotiate to pay less than the usual 100-Dollar rate.

Worst case scenario: He wasted an extra half hour of your time, paid you less than your current rates, and then may still want a refund 3 weeks later.   I have no respect for these types of people. They pull douchebag moves that are driven by their self-absorption and sense of entitlement.

As usual, this is not specific to gender.  Both men and women can possess this toxic trait.

What you can do about it:  Get the f*** away from such people.  These are not people you want to be involved with in relationships, friendships, or business!!

Sometimes, just the questions they ask you reveal enough insight that enables you to distinguish the toxicity within their personalities.  In business, it’s the difference between, “Wow, your rates are too steep man” versus “I can’t afford all of that right now.  Is there something else I can do or offer to make up for it?”

The latter person wants to contribute. This in fact reminds me of a friend of mine who is a fantastic kickboxer. He charges a good rate for his hourly services, but then, every so often I’d find random dudes helping him in various endeavor.

Upon being asked regarding a guy helping him build a fence in his backyard, he responded, “Oh, that’s ‘John’.  He can’t afford to pay me so I told him I’d teach him and he could help me build that fence.”

I told him it sounded like the Karate Kid movie all over again!  He laughed and agreed.

The point is, “John” was willing to contribute but the dude simply couldn’t afford to pay the cash required.  Working a job that paid him 12 Dollars an hour didn’t allow him to afford to pay 75 Dollars for a private lesson.

Was building a fence exact compensation? Nope, but it was enough of an effort that was worthy.   The kickboxing teacher expressed to me,  “OK, the guy is a hard worker, dedicated, wants to learn and is willing to put an effort to contribute in whatever way he can…..”

Will everyone be willing to do what my kickboxing teacher friend did? No, but you’ll find enough people who will help you if you are willing to CONTRIBUTE in whatever way you can.

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So let’s bring it all back to the dating application:

With a little bit of experience, you can ascertain the knowledge and gauge these traits rather instinctively. (Do keep in mind that we’re discussing specific traits within someone’s personality that spell disaster.)

If you’re talking to some girl at a random party and you find that all she does is talk about herself, you already know what you need to know.  Person is not suitable for long-term dating.

If for the same reason detect behavioral patterns that display a sense of entitlement, you already have learned that you should never consider seriously dating this person.  Come to think of it, you shouldn’t form any serious relationship with this person, be it in business or personal.

Now, you could take it to the extreme, date this type, even get married to her, become the most miserable man in your county, and suffer through a rough divorce that has you more bitter than the citizens of Cleveland towards Lebron James.

Or you could just realize what you were dealing with and not take them seriously.  Same thing applies to men. If you’re a girl talking to some guy whose speech reeks of “Me, me, me, I, I, I,” then you’ve just saved yourself the trouble of going on a few dates.

You already know the dude is a self-absorbed prick. You just weeded out someone who was going to be a huge waste of your time.

A sense of entitlement driven by a compulsion towards self-absorption in an extremely toxic personality trait.   On the polar opposite, you’ll also find people who are willing to contribute in whatever they can.

The hours you spend with a value-taker are wasted time that you could HAVE BEEN spending with someone with a sense of contribution creating a situation where both of you enjoy each other.

It was time you could have spend with someone enjoyable and a time you could have cherished looking back.     Once you internalize that, you’ll be in far better shape.

Cameron

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“I got her facebook info!”

My friend says to me after an interaction.

- How about a phone number? (I ask)

Nah. just facebook for now.

Why did he do that?  Chances are you’ve done it too.  Why?  Why did you ask for her facebook?  Be honest now.   You wanted to get together with her.  For better or worse, a date is the idea  you had in mind.

“Facebooking A girl”  for the purposes of dating her is a really piss poor strategy.  By the way, let’s not kid ourselves: You’re not facebooking a girl you met at random “to keep in touch.” That’s the equivalent of buying a porno magazine to read the articles back in the day.  (As a side note: Does anyone buy porno mags anymore?)   Anyhow, you’re doing the Facebook thing to get a date out of it.

Well, if that’s your goal, then step up the plate.  I know Baseball analogies don’t make sense to the vast International audience.  So, point being, be a man!  Show some balls.  Get the number.

If you don’t think you have enough of a solid interaction to get the number, then you don’t have much.  So you got the facebook, and now you want to date her.

How are you going to do that now? At this point, you’ll have to exchange emails on facebook, get her on the phone, then ask her to meet you out and about somewhere. Chances are getting her to come meet you on a date without ever having a conversation are going to be a lot more slim

In essence, you’re working backwards. By asking for her facebook, you went a step backwards, you still have to get back to square one and get the number.

The question is why do guys do this? Before you become defensive, you should know that most guys have done this.  Yes, I’ve done it too.

Truth of the matter is that sometimes you don’t feel like there is enough there in the interaction to warrant asking for a number.  You can tell when things are going well, and when things are just lukewarm.   In such times, it’s easy to ask for facebook, but feels tough to ask for a number.

Then again, for some guys, it’s always tough to ask for a number.

So facebook becomes the wussy way out.  It feels like a victory of sorts, because you got something.  but as I said, you haven’t got jack shit, especially if you log on to see that she has 359 friend.

If you actually know what you’re doing and didn’t ask fro the number, it’s because you felt that you didn’t have enough rapport or a fluid-vibe in the short interaction to ask for the number.

In that case, you still don’t have much.  That interaction is still too raw and hasn’t matured enough to enable you to move forward properly.  So you ask for the facebook hoping that something more could happen in the future.

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Keep this in perspective: What I am discussing here is asking for a facebook only because you wussed out from asking for a number.   This is not to be confused with a scenario where you exchanged numbers and then did facebook on top of that.  When girls like you, they’ll give all sorts of contact info, phone, email, driver license,

The idea of facebooking someone in order to get a date out of it is playing low percentages.  Can it be done?  Yes.  I have done it.  I have even worked it backwards where through email, I asked for the number and then called.

Was it more work than it should have been? Yep.

I got buddies who do the “facebooking” often.  Do you know how many of those girls they end up going out with? Less than 5%, I’d say.  (That just sounds better than zero, which is what the case it most often.)

Of course there are dudes who will swear to you they’re making this work left and right, but those are also dudes who date a lot of phantom women. You’ll never see them with the women  they’re supposedly meeting off of facebook, but oh, how they will brag about it to no end.

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Dating & Facebook can be intrusive

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Then there is the part of the equation where it’s intrusive.  If you work in an office environment, I don’t think it’s a good idea to add coworkers to your facebook account.  the negatives far outweigh the positives.

Furthermore, it’s simply intrusive.

Suppose you add someone to your facebook whom you just went on a first-date with.  Now, that can create havoc.  She’ll see other girls who flirt or interact with you on there.  Those girls could include ex-girlfriend from a while back, female friends, (girls you added because you were interested in them, but wussed out), not to mention girls who are, or have been friends-with-benefits at some point.

You add all of that up and it’s a recipe for disaster.

If  you’ve just met a girl at random, you’re better off asking for a number, and NOT adding her to Facebook.  Not until you’ve gone on several dates and feel like you get along on some level.

Please keep in mind these guidelines are meant for normal guys who want pointers for dating girls.  My advice is not geared towards aspiring “Pick Up Artists” or “PUAs.”  PUAs don’t have that many friends nor do they have any women in their social circles, so the problem really solves itself.

Back to the normal guy.  Don’t be a pussy.  Take the interaction further.  Don’t just settle for playing it safe and asking for a facebook.

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How To Use Facebook for Dating

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Is facebooking completely useless?  No.

There are ways you can use it to your advantage. The following are some scenarios where you can use this which usually depend on one’s lifestyle or job:

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• Club promoter types, (Including promoters. DJs. hosts, event planners)

This is using facebook as part of the label that goes along with it: Social Media. It’s a way to conjure up a mass amount of people to make your event successful.  Along those lines, you could invite girls you’d like to get to know better as wel.

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• Professional Event hosting.

Maybe you’re not the average coke-snorting club promoter but have a prfoessional association.  Maybe you host art gallery openings, or someone who is able to use social gatherings to your advanage to invite women to your environment  you could use this to your advantage.

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• Going into Events:

Say you’re the type of dude who attends a lot of social events.  You have the sort of lifestyle where (for social or work reasons), you’re invited to various events.  In this context, you could use Facebook to invite the girl(s) you’ve met to the event, or perhaps ask her to go with you.

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• You’re the Event host (non professional capacity):

An even better situation is if you’re the type who likes having social get-togethers or parties in your house.  Now it’s just common sense. “Hey, I’m having a house party on Saturday night.  It’d be great if you could make it, and feel free to come with friends…”   (Or something along those lines.)

What you’re trying to do is open that release-valve on the steam pipe to relieve the pressure.  Going to a party or an event doesn’t feel awkward for her, and if she is inclined, she may bring a girlfriend or two.  Most girls will not bring guys to this sort of situation, as they know better.

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• Long Distance Situation

Say you live in NY and a girl you just met lives a 4-hour drive north of you in Boston.  You had a nice chat, liked each other, and agreed you were able to coexist despite the Yankee/Red Sox conflict.  On the same note, this is not really a dating situation.  You’re probably not meeting someone for a date who lives four-hour away. You Facebook each other, and the next time you’re in Boston or she is in NYC, maybe you’ll hang and have fun.  It’s not that serious.  This is a much more casual approach, and has more of a friendship vibe to it.  (Which is totally cool.)

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• “Cool-chick scenario.”

This one is sort of a far out concept for some guys.  It’s out there in the realm of dating advice, but let’s say you actually liked her as a person and wanted to keep in touch.  For a variety of possible reasons, you’re not able to call often and chit-chat like high school girls.  In this scenario, Facebook serves as what it’s meant to be, “A Social Network.”

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Lifestyle, job, and social proof can serve as beneficial tools.  Most guys don’t have this scenario.  They facebook girls and end up collecting random individuals.

If the above situations do not apply to you, then you’re better off asking for a phone number and moving on.  If she is not going to give you a number, she is not going to want to date you from facebook either in most cases. (Unless you want to grind this out.)

Even more silly is trying to date girls off twitter.  Why waste so much time twitting back and forth with nitwits?  Not to mention that if she is a hardcore twitter, she ain’t worth dating in the first place.  (excluding work/professional reasons for twitting.)

Of course, to some of you this may seem like common sense.  Other will want to resist the notion and think it’s a great idea to befriend girls on facebook after a 10 minute interaction.

The latter group will hold on to that notion until they overhear a conversation between women that I have heard several times now: What’s wrong with men these days?  Don’t they have the balls to ask you out anymore?  They ask you to be a facebook friend….

When you hear that one, it may really sink in.

Cameron

Balancing indifference vs. accountability

This is one of those articles that you’re going to want to mark as a favorite on your web browser, because it’s going to clear up much of that perplexity regarding dating.

Well, let’s face it: Advice on dating and attraction can confuse the f*ck out of ya.

The following scenario may resonate with you, as it might be all too familiar in your life experience.

• Typical scenario:

Guy searches the Internet for advice to improve his dating life.  He sees various conflicting advice that are often diametrically entirely opposed.  Dating gurus, who all claim to be decedents of Casanova preach entirely …

One coach or self-proclaimed pick up artist advises you to not ever show your intention.  Be “indirect”, he tells you.   He instructs you to ask for an opinion and pretend to be gay if you have to, whatever it takes to not let her know you actually like her.

Another “coach” tells you to be direct, just state your intentions.  Tell her, “I like you, I want you, I find you breathtaking.”  Be bold, poetic, and romance-novel hero profession his fondness for that special woman.

Just when that sounded interesting, another dating-coach type raves about “Indifference.”  He is not so much indirect or direct, but rather he is just indifferent.  He just doesn’t care.  He wants you to react as though someone told you the score of a cricket game between rival’s teams in Timbuktu.  (Not even sure if they play cricket there..)

Having been exposed to such opposing perspectives, the dating-advice student concludes that “These guys are all full of shit” and that probably nobody knows anything.   It’s all a confusing mess, and you still can’t get too many dates.

When you understand CONTEXT of what is going on, you’ll begin to see the overall picture with more clarity. You’ll recognize the nuances of what is happening and you’ll be able to decipher how to apply these nuances to your personal social interactions.

• Let’s take “Indifference” as an example.

Some dating-advice wisdom leans towards indifference.  Let’s define indifference as such advisors teach it.  The overall ideology is something along the lines of the following:

-Don’t ever show that you care about her.  Don’t show you like her.  Don’t even act like a give damn if you ever went out with her.  All of your actions should convey that you couldn’t possibly care less about her.

A common phrase that you’ll hear from people who apply to the indifference school of thought is:  “Don’t give your power Away!  Keep your power.  Don’t give it away!”

To show that you care would be giving your power away.  Why?  Because now she can manipulate you.  Now, she knows you like her and can hold that against you.

Imagine living your life with the fear that you just might give your power away.(By the way, in the next article, I am going to cover Indifference in detail.)

Like everyone else, I do run into girls who start to play these cute little games.  Actually, I live in LA, so I get the entire spectrum of such women.

You call a girl on Tue, and invite her to some event on Sat.  She tells you, “Not sure.  Let’s talk on Friday.”  Now, if you have gotten this reply, (and if you interact with a lot of girls, chances are you’re cringing right now) because you know that the odds of this whole thing coming together just plummeted faster than Enron Stock.

So what would Mr. Indifference advise you?  The indifference advice is to not care.  And just forget about it, and invite them to something else the following week nonchalantly. Or rather next time:  Mr. Indifference would say that you shouldn’t even ask them out.  However, that’s counterproductive too as you’ll see in my next article.

So what do you do?

- Introduce a bit of Accountability & Personal Standards -

In the last article, “The Preferred Response” line you read some examples of holding people accountable.  But wait, if you did that, you’d no longer be indifferent.

If you said, “Hey, I’m looking forward to seeing you next Saturday.  Let’s meet at 7:00 PM.”  Then you just gave your power away.  What a cardinal sin to Mr. Indifference. Can the cosmos handle such diverse patterns of behavior within the same time space continuum?

{Side note:  This is written with the assumption that the girl is also interested in you on some level.  Please do not write me emails asking about some girl who is barely aware of your existence on this planet not reciprocating your actions.}

But then, if you care too much about seeing her, you may appear to be desperate.  What do you do?

You have to balance INDIFFERENCE with ACCOUNTABILITY.

• Real Life Example

So let’s revisit a likely scenario:

It’s Sunday afternoon.  You call a girl and invite her to spent time on Thursday evening. Simple enough, correct?

She gives you wishy-washy answers.  (If she has other legit previous engagements, then that’s fair.)  If she said, I’m having dinner with President Obama and the other heads of State on that night, that is a fair as well as firm response.  We’re not talking about that.

We’re talking wishy-washy answers such as, “I think that might work.  Let’s talk again on Wednesday night.”

Do you know what that really means?

“If nothing better comes up, then I’ll hang with you.”

That’s what a wishy-washy answer is.  You’re a back up plan if nothing else better comes up.  (I hate to say it but even I have done it to girls I didn’t care to see that much.)   Here is where you hold her accountable.  Yes or no.  None of this, “Let’s talk again.  If she can’t live her life with some sort of a discipline, then fine.  You can’t change how other persons choose to live their lives.  However, you do have the ability to cut them out of your life.

Sounds simple. Sounds sweet. Tougher to do to than it appears.   Because you friends will ask, “Hey, what happened with that girl you met. Man, she is really cute.”  Then you’ll be tempted to compromise.   It may be worse.  Your pals may be “Seduction community” conditioned people trying to coach you how to get her by having super-game.   Can’t worry about that.

You must be willing to walk away if the situation is counter-balanced to your values.

Trying to hold people accountable to every single thing will present you as someone desperate or very anal.  However, on issues like making plans, following through, it’s fair to be expecting common courtesy. If that common courtesy is not met, then you’ll walk away.

• So how do you balance indifference and accountability???

1. You show that you’d like to see them.  You show that you’re interested and that you’d love to hang out and HAVE FUN!
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2. On the same token, you know what you like, and you live your life upholding certain standards.  It’s also about being able to be decisive and make decisions.   AND if people are not able to live life on that plain with you, then you ARE willing to walk away.

Because remember, you HAVE choices too!  If she is not willing to meet you on an even plane, there are plenty of others who will.

The Walk-away is key.  Accountability hangs on a scale that must be equalized by the willingness to walk away. If you’re just indifferent, you’re aiming for the low-hanging fruit.  If you’re too obsessed with the accountability, you care too much about the interactions and are behaving as though you’re desperate.  The balance is knowing when to go forward, and when to walk away.

Cameron

Ps.  And seriously, all of this is predicated on the fact you’re somewhat of a cool guy to begin with.  If you’re missing that first step, you’ve completely derailed the locomotive off the tracks and the rest of it is a gigantic train wreck.

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