.

As you gain experience dating different types of girls, you’ll come to quickly find that some are really worth keeping around and a whole lot of them will fall into the proverbial “Dime a Dozen” category.

Thus, naturally, as you interact with enough girls, you will undoubtedly observe that they fall into certain types archetypes who follow very similar patterns.  You’ll come to naturally understand what these patterns are, and will recognize them subconsciously.  You’ll also devise methods to help you recognize what/whom you’re dealing with.  Many people do this subconsciously without ever being aware of it.  I just happen to enjoy deconstructing these subconscious patterns of force.

Remember the great film I recommended titled, “A Bronx Tale?”  In that film, Sonny had devised his “Door Test.”  It was a test to seek an individual’s propensity to want to contribute and give back.   From that, Sonny concluded if she was a keeper.

I have the Vegas Test.  It’s designed to figure out if a girl is worth having a relationship with.  Would she make a good girlfriend for me?

.

——————————-

Introducing the Vegas Test:

.

At some point, during a lengthy conversation, the topic of Vegas will come up.  It’s not posed some sort of a quiz, but it’s more of a casual mention.  The reaction to this tells me what I want to know.  And sometimes her reaction to going to Las Vegas is:

“OH MY GOSH!   Oh my gosh!  You don’t understand!  I love Vegas!  I really really love Vegas.”

Cue in the violin.  It’s all over.  That’s a girl that’s not suited to be a girlfriend.  Perhaps, better cue in the old catchy Roxette song.  “It must have been love… but it’s over now…..”

OK, silly sentimental pop songs aside, the Vegas test is a very serious matter.   OK, it’s not so much a case of that one particular statement being the definitive answer, but it’s more so a case of this being the final straw.  It’s the final clue in a series of tell-tale signs.  It’s the proverbial icing on the cake.  I really don’t like that cliché, but don’t have a better one right this moment.

I don’t claim the Vegas test to be infallible or a 100% accurate.   However, I will add this:  The Vegas test has never failed.

Nope, not even once.  If ever I’ve come across a girl who has broken into a frenzy over Vegas, it’s always proven to be that she is not worth pursuing.  Just as importantly, any girl I’ve ever come across worth keeping has never had that reaction. In fact, her reaction has been quite the opposite.

What reaction are we talking about, and to what?

This is not about a couple’s getaway for a romantic interlude or a boyfriend girlfriend trip.  We’re talking about groups of girls who cannot wait to arrange a weekend to Vegas.  This is the type that can’t wait to go to “club rehab” in the summer time at the Hard Rock and if they live in Southern California, they probably attempt to arrange several trips a year.

Upon hearing the news that there may be a potential weekend trip to Vegas, they’ll almost break into a full fledged seizure, and quite possibly an impromptu rendition of the Safety Dance.

If you’ve never seen this, you’re in a for a treat!  Feast your eyes on this incredible video…..

.

.

.

Spectacular visual feast:  Creepy English guy dressed like a fruitcake trying to look tough while running in the field with a pirate shirt tossing dwarfs, while other villagers, hobbits, elves, gremlins and ghouls jump for joy.  They’re All doing the safety dance (and a song that will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day!)

The concept of this video is amazing.  You could round up a group of 100 stoners and potheads, provide them with the finest LSD and “Magic shrooms”, and yet not be able to come up with something so bizarre and random.

Plus I never quite gathered or deduced whose safety this dance was for.  Was it for his safety?  Or was it for the safety of villagers?  Maybe it was a cleverly coded method for identifying drunk carriage drivers in the olden days?   Not to mention that the entire Safety Dance is just ONE move, as depicted in the freeze frame at exactly 1:25 into the video.

I can’t get over the serious look and game face determination of the lead singer as he marches for the Safety Dance.  It’s as though he is leading the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s.

Yes, his resolve is that strong and at first glance, that glare of determination makes you think he really is marching for a cause until you zoom out to see he is being followed by elves, clowns and gremlins.  Perhaps it’s the Safety Dance is to ensure the safe passage of these mutants?

Let’s get back to the Vegas test.  Needless to say, I could write an entire article on my fascination with this video, but I digress.

Wait a minute, why isn’t the Safety Dance video in the Smithsonian museum as the most amazing random compilation of shit ever assembled?  Why haven’t cultural preservationists taken notice?

OK, seriously, back to the article.

It’s safe to say (couldn’t resist the Pun, sorry), that if the girl LOVES Vegas and breaks into the safety dance, or any other dance, you’re looking at someone who is not a keeper.

(OK, if a girl really actually broke into doing the Safety dance in Public, she may be a keeper just for the entertainment value.)

It’s not the only test, but it’s usually a myriad of signals by the time you get to the Vegas question.. This last point just happens to be the big finale.  This is the Fat-Man equivalent of “Not good relationship material” Signal.  [Fat-man was atomic bombed dropped on Nagasaki]  If that’s too harsh, think of it as more a B-52 bomber carpet bombing an entire area.

Why is it such a big deal to like Vegas so much, someone may ask?   After all, people have various hobbies, likes, and dislikes.  This is true, and that behavior reflects back on an individual’s personality.

For example, if you knew a grown adult who enjoyed torturing and mutilating animals for no apparent reason, you’d probably think he wasn’t all together upstairs.  If you had children, you probably wouldn’t want to leave them alone with a guy like that, I’d assume.

The same representation of behavioral cues in reaction to various stimuli tell us a lot about a person’s trigger points and modus operandi. Vegas lovers of the aforementioned type are normally massive external stimulus junkies.  They do anything to get attention, be it positive or negative.   You can read the full analysis of stimulus junkies here:

Toxic Personalities in Dating: The Sole External Validation Seeker

Going one step beyond that, we get to core values.  Remember that this is the key component for being able to peg someone.  CORE VALUES Trump everything else.  How did Christopher Reeves’ Superman get the best of Lex Luther in Superman II?  He took a huge gamble, but he was banking on Lex Luther’s core values being greed when it’s all said and done.

Similarly, you can count that a Vegas lover’s core values are superficial external stimuli above all else and that’s a recipe for a disaster in a relationship.  (As it relates to my core values.)

Anyhow, if you needed to know the actual reason, there you have it.  If the pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo bores you, please go back and watch the Safety Dance video a second (or 10^th) time.  Clear your head, come back and resume from this point.

A Vegas loving dude and woman may coexist well in some bizarre way, but that’s not my really my concern.  Which brings me to another point: This is NOT gender specific.  It applies to MEN as well.

If my female friend or cousin is looking to have a meaningful relationship/boyfriend and the guy can’t wait to pack a trip to “Rehab” at the Hardrock, I’d tell her the same thing.  Forget about it. He ain’t a keeper. (By the way, I’m talking someone more mature than 21 year-olds just figuring out what they want to do.)

So devise your own tests.  I shared one of mine.  It’s the Vegas test, and as I mentioned, it has never failed.  Even when I thought that it may have failed in case of a friend who was dating someone, months later, it still proved to be accurate.

The Vegas test works extremely well for me because it’s close to Southern California.  Everyone here is all too familiar with Vegas.

While the Vegas test may not tell me if a girl is a “Keeper,” it will definitely and unequivocally tell me whether she is NOT one very quickly.   Let’s be clear:  There are various reasons why someone may not be a suitable mate for you.  I’ve found the Vegas test to be an effective filter for one of those many reasons.

By the way, I’m very proud of this article.  Not so much because of the well thought out, well explained, accurate and practical advice regarding if someone is girlfriend material, but more so that I was able to work in two non-sequitur 80s songs, Superman II, and analysis of the Safety Dance video  into the article.

.

Cameron

.

A number of blog readers have written asking for more articles regarding girls who are suitable for relationships.  Questions regarding, “How to get a girlfriend,” and “Where to meet girls who are girlfriend-types” and knowing how to vibe with them.

In the past, I’ve written extensively on certain female archetypes.  You may have read my article on “Female Archetypes – Alpha Females” and “Female Archetypes – Party Chicks.”   I’ve probably written the most on “Party chicks” which is the archetype that is toughest to grasp for the average blog readers which consists of intellectual dudes.  They’re also the ones most often encountered in bars, pub, and nightclubs.

This article is going to take a turn in the opposite direction as it pertains more towards nurturing/giving type of women. So let’s get to it.

>>>How do you distinguish if you’ve met this type?

This will come with a bit of experience. As you interact with a lot of women, you’ll see common behavioral patterns and common values exhibited by similar types.  The nurturing/emotionally giving type usually exhibits a happier disposition.

.

• Genuine Happiness:

You’ll normally observe that they’re genuinely happier people and they portray that glee.  They’re apt to react more emotionally to situations than other female archetypes.  Often times, you may observe that they seem to have some sort of a creative and artistic outlet.  They might not be musicians but they may play a guitar, or write, or recite poetry.

Being more emotional people, they have that need for a creative outlet and you’ll note that in your interactions.  Again, be aware that just because a woman plays a guitar, it does not mean she is this particular type.  It’s more a combination of behavioral patterns that are common to this type.

.

• Family Ties:

Family relationships.  Another common trend is that they have very close family ties.  They’re close to their parents, aunts, uncles, and such.  For instance, it’s not uncommon to look through their facebook profiles and notice them proudly displaying photos of themselves with nieces and/or nephews.

During you conversations, you’ll hear common trends,

“I was just talking to my aunt last weekend, she is so awesome, anyway she was telling me that……….”

Again, whether their nurturing personality is a predisposition or cause of a close family upbringing remains to be examined.  I certainly believe it does make a difference.  Human beings who feel they’ve been loved are far more likely to return that love to others.  ( My observations.)

.

• Social Conscientiousness :

This archetype tends to exhibit a conscientious pattern regarding social issues.  You’ll also come to realize this in your interactions.  Whether it’s social, political, or environmental, they’ll show concern for their surrounding world.

I’ll give you an example.  A few months ago, I was walking out of a supermarket where a girl approached me to ask if I wanted to donate money to her organization.  I came to find out she was representing “Amnesty International” and was very passionate in discussing human rights violations in various parts of the world.  She even talked me into giving her a $20 donation for the cause.  (No, it wasn’t because I was  hitting on her, for the smart-asses out there.)

Now, you have to realize the sort of dedication it takes to stand outside a supermarket and solicit money for a cause.  You’re essentially cold-approaching strangers for hours a day for very little pay. It takes a certain animal to do that…. You have to be really motivated and passionate about the cause that you believe in to volunteer or work for low pay to solicit strangers for money for your organization.

Chances are you may have come across people like this at some point.  Whether it was in high school, college or a cocktail party, you have interacted with such persons in your life.  Think about the tendencies of that individual.

Are these the perfect people?  No, not at all.  While this type of woman makes for a good girlfriend, sometimes you may run into a few bumps in the road.  For example, you may find that they react more emotionally to things that are not “That big of a deal” to you.  They may want you to care about their social/political concerns and sometimes they may sport a bit of a “Hippy” vibe in  that they don’t get dolled up and dress to impress.

OK, I’m not insinuating that they’re slobs but just that they may not be decked out in the latest fashion as they make a run to the grocery store to purchase a few items.  It’s important to understand both sides.

So now, let’s assume you were dating such a girl.  What’s the difference between this type and a less nurturing type?

Well, let’s also assume you just got the flu.  Upon hearing that info, some types will say, “Sorry to hear that!  I hope you feel better! I’ll talk to you then.”  Other types will offer to come over and bring Chicken Soup.  The nurturing/giving type is the latter.

——————

.

• Where to meet such girls:

It’s probably tougher to meet this type that say, party girls.  The nurturing/giving types are not bar-flys.  They’re not ones to frequent nightclubs constantly, and when they do, they’re going to be more guarded and defensive in that particular environment (and for good reason.)

Your best bet is to find them at activities that they’d have a vested interest in as well.  This will inevitably vary based on the culture, country and even the size of the town you live in.  Naturally, Some place are going to offer more in the way of activities than others.

.

• Attracting this type:

Always remember that the fundamentals I explain in detail in my Ebook, Building Attraction Secrets, will apply. Being interesting, conveying your personality through stories, proper body language, leading, tonality, and having fun will always apply regardless of which archetype you meet.

As an example, let’s take the girl standing outside the supermarket asking for donations to the “Amnesty International” organizations.  In fact, let’s take it to an absurd level.  Let’s assume she was raising funds for “Save The Hamster Foundation.”   You walk by and notice this and think to yourself, “Wow, I thought I was the only one!  I LOVE to save hamsters too!”

You may believe in her cause wholeheartedly and be completely excited that you’ve met someone who is a like-minded individual.  You still have to be aware of conversational dynamics.  This means you can’t spend 15 minutes just talking about this one particular topic and think that now you are a lock to go on a spectacular date.

This is the mistake most men make: they’ll spend 20 minutes discussing how to save hamsters but outside of that one commonality, they don’t establish any connection or personal  information.

Having read my ebook, Building Attraction Secrets,  you know that you’d be best served to share a couple of humorous anecdotes about yourself, find out more about her, have a little fun, and have her invest some information regarding herself besides discussing the organization she is volunteering for.

You also would be aware of a multitude of key dynamics that are by now second nature to you, such as:

• Flirting properly,
• Leading the interaction (In all 3 ways)
• Creating Sexual tension & teasing

—————–

.

The goal of this article is to provide with a glimpse one particular archetype of girls you will inevitably come across in life.  Depending on YOUR personality, this type may or may not be for you.

For example, if you were the stereotypical dumb jock athlete from a teen movie, you probably will not connect with this type.  I am not saying it’s impossible, but it’s just unlikely that these personalities will hit it off.

You’d also know that this is a more sensitive type of person, so you had best be prepared to deal with sentimental type issues.  If she gives you a Christmas card, and you throw it away a few weeks after Christmas, there are going to be hurt feelings involved.

To you, it was a simple card, and once Christmas was over, there was no point in keeping it.  To her, it represented emotional investment and sentimental value and she won’t understand or grasp how you could discard it 3 weeks later.  These are the type of potential  issues you may run into while dating this type.   They’re not deal-breakers, but rather, just things to be aware of.

Other caveats:  If you’re not a family person, it’s not going to be a good fit in the long run.  If you’re the type that doesn’t like to play with kids, or doesn’t want to go to a big family Thanksgiving dinner, it’s going to cause issues.

.

———-

Recap of Nurturing Women Archetypes

.

So let’s do a recap of what I just went over:

• Emotionally giving/ Nurturer Archetype
• Very Likely Artistic in nature
• Usually have some sort of artistic/creative outlet (music, drawing, etc…)
• More sensitive than your average woman
• Come across as genuinely happy persons often
• Usually exhibit a warm pleasant demeanor when meeting them,
• They’re close to family
• In routine conversations, They’ll often bring up family, Aunts/Uncles,  nieces/nephews, etc.
• Don’t respond well to over-the-top cocky macho approaches by men. (It doesn’t mean they don’t like masculine men.)
• When approaching this type, be masculine, just the cut the machismo and bravado down a bit.
• Often can be overly sensitive in dating/relationship situations. (Reference Christmas card story above)
• This over sensitivity could result in some drama in the relationship at time
• Usually socially/politically Conscientiousness on some level.
• If you asked them their dreams, there is always something in there to want to improve the world (even if it is saving hamsters….)
• Making a difference is important to them.
• More difficult to find in loud nightclubs/bars.  They don’t frequent such places often.
• Usually have a good circle of friends around them, (in my experience.)
• Low drama factor usually (Barring the over sensitivity)
• More sentimental

In conclusion, I’d like to (as I’ve often done) emphasize the key point of practicality.  Memorizing a bunch of information is not going to be making the best use of your resources.  Instead, you’ll be better off learning a few things you can actually apply in your interactions.  For example, you’re at a casual social gathering and you meet a warm and receptive girl who within the first 15 minutes of conversation mentions family, a creative outlet and some sort of a social/political cause she cares about.  You also notice that she seems to have good friends whom she’s known for quite a few years.

.
Having read my article, you know that chances are pretty good she fits the mold of the archetype I just described.  Having read my ebook, you also have a decent basic understanding of how to present your best self to attract her.  You also know that if you don’t click well with overly emotional people, you’ll have issues later on.  On that same note, you also know that if you’re at a point where you’re looking to get a girlfriend or a long-term mate, this particular person may be a pretty good candidate.

I provide the information.  You apply it.  It’ll get you results.

Cameron

.

————————–

.

Are you ready for this??

This is one of those articles that may not be liked by those of you knee-deep entrenched in self-help right now, and it certainly won’t be liked by most of the self-proclaimed gurus who are teaching self-help. Nevertheless, a self-check is always beneficial.

• Why do some people take refuge in self help?

.

I got involved with this stuff long ago.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that everyone who becomes involved with this stuff has some sort of an issue.  I realize it’s a very general statement but please stay with me here.  I just haven’t met any exceptions and perhaps one person exists out there who defies the rule, but it’s safe to say, the blanket statement covers 99% of people heavily involved with self-help.

It was difficult for ME to come to this conclusion, because then, that meant I had some sort of an issue as well.  And truth is, I did.   It’s just a matter of identifying the issues and realizing its severity.  I’ve come across so many men who lack basic social skills, the ability to interact at a house party or even give you a friendly handshake.   I didn’t have those issues, so I wondered why I ended up in some conference that was hosting a slew of such men.

Different people take refuge for different reasons.  For some, it’s a lack of social skills, for others it’s lack of confidence or suffering from low self-esteem.  As for me, I went through a period where I was really depressed and not feeling all of that great about myself.  I suppose that’s a mark of all people who go through that phase. If you felt fantastic about yourself, you wouldn’t be depressed.

Still, I don’t have any regrets about studying so much about human behavior or psychology because it’s something I always enjoyed.  For whatever reason, I’ve enjoyed looking at different people’s characters, their behavioral patterns and mannerisms since I Was a kid.  Reading certain blog posts will give you that impression rather quickly.

But surely, you’re talking about just the “Seduction Community?”

Absolutely NOT!  I am talking about ALL Self-help.  I am talking Tony Robbins, NLP, Bandler, Eckhart Tolle, and as main stream as Dr. Phil.   People take refuge in this because they have issues.

Does it mean you’re a bad apple?  Or in layman’s terms, are you a f*cked up individual?

No.  It just means you’re going through a period where things are rough.  You’re navigating through troubled waters.   That’s all.  Granted, you’re going to come across some weirdos and sociopaths, and that’s just how it goes.

Clearly, there also exists a segment of self-help fanatics who have gigantic issues that need serious help.  The majority of self-help enthusiasts, got into it because of the place they were in life.

There are events in life that unravel human beings.  Failed businesses or marriages serve as a good example.   Ever come across a man/woman who went through an extremely bitter divorce?  What about some poor guy who got laid off a job after 20 years of service?  (Similar to the opening sequence in the movie “Up In the Air.”)   That job was his professional life!   Or perhaps someone who is going through depression, OCD, anxiety disorders, and etc?  It happens.

So where does Self-help come in?  Are you ready for this?

Self-Help mostly APPEALS To human beings at the time when they’re most vulnerable!

 All of the aforementioned  folks in the last paragraph could be subjects lured in by  self-help!   It’s at these times of desperate destitution that self-help suddenly appeals to us.  Self-Help products generally do not appeal to moderately happy individuals.

You’d be hard pressed to find well-adjusted genuinely happy individuals at a Tony Robbins Seminar.  More so, you’ll have an even harder time to get that person to listen to a self-help Audio course!   I’ve tried!  You have a better chance  of having them visit the dentist without Novocain than to get them to listen to Tony Robbins.

Self-Help Appeals to us when we’re most vulnerable emotionally and mentally.  Why?

Because it makes sense out of things.  You’re going through a period where your brain is searching for meaning.  Imagine you’ve worked for the same company married to the same spouse for 20 years.  Suddenly, that job fires you (and 100s of others), and your spouse wants a divorce.

20 years of investment of your life and energy seems to have been gone down the drain.  It is so difficult to make sense.  What does it mean?  In times like this, the Universe and the planet don’t make sense.

Enter Self-Help.  It makes sense out of things and sometimes, it’s something as simple as providing perspective for where you’re at.  (Sort of like my attempt with this article, which you’ve probably caught on by now.)   It provides a reference point as to where you are, and where you need to go.  It provides some clarity, a goal, and some guidance. Sometimes, it also provides a support group of peers suffering through similar crisis.

Through a renewed sense self, new goals and objectives, armed with a new perspective, and perhaps a support-group of like-minded peers, you are now ready to forge ahead once again.   In fact, one of the benefits of self-help is providing support groups.  Much like “Alcoholics Anonymous,” a support group of peers is very effective in enabling people to deal with situations.    For the guy/gal above, they’ll find a new spouse or lover, get a new job, or even do something better.  Maybe start a new business and be more productive than before.  Maybe!

“Maybe” is the keyword.  Some people just get stuck in the cycle.

So wait!  What the f**k man!  Are you saying Self-Help is Good or Bad?

It’s neither and it’s a both!  Wow, what a zen answer.  The type of shit you’d find in Self-help books.  I could be a great guru If I could ever stand to be a pretentious bastard.

Self-Help can be good for all of the examples I gave in the last few paragraphs.  3 particular concepts stand out in my experience and obsevation:

1.  New goals,
2. New perspective,
3. A support-group

 The above three concepts help individuals pick up the pieces and forge ahead.  That’s the good, or rather beneficial, part of  self-help.

The bad, or counterproductive, part is when self-help becomes a lifestyle.  It’s when it consumes your life and becomes everything, a perpetual cycle of constant involvement in self-help searching for a some higher goal.

Heroin addicts call it “Chasing The Dragon.”  (OK, I’ve seen it in Documentaries.)   Apparently, the greatest high off of heroin comes off the very first attempt.  You can never rival that high again, and people start doing it to get that affect, but they never can.  Hence, they start chasing the “Dragon” which they can never find.  In the process, it robs them of everything.

If you’re knee-deep engulfed in the trenches of Self-help, you must evaluate if you too are chasing that dragon.  Part of this is commercial.  Similar to a drug-pusher, a self-help guru does NOT want to let you go!  It’s bad for business.

You can bet that there will constantly be an influx of new self-help material  that’s designed to be better than the last.  There will be new discoveries, new realizations, and programs to keep you addicted for a lifetime.  In the meanwhile, the confused addicts keep on purchasing.

See, this is not like the Beetles or the Rolling Stones putting out a new album every year for your musical enjoyment.  You have a choice to buy that or not buy it.  Hey, you may not even like those bands.  Regardless of your affinity for the band, you’re able to make a conscious decision.  In self-help, you’re not able to make that conscious decision.  Technically, you have the power to make the decision, but psychologically, it’s already been made for you.  (A lot of good marketing operates on this platform.)

The self-help guru has already bypassed your critical thinking.  He has already convinced you that you need his wisdom forever and ever, and ever.  In fact, it’s almost like your life would be empty without him constantly pumping you with his wisdom.………   At least, this is the behavior of most self-help marketing machines.  They want you to chase that dragon for a lifetime.  The ones that achieve cult status want you to bring your friends along for the ride.

The truly brilliant ministers of propaganda make self-help a  part of your identity.  Devout followers now swear by it and come to believe that this new information has somehow transcended them from the rest of humanity.  Come to thin think of it, there is another form of doctrine that operates on the same plain of ideology: Organized religion.

These are doctrines that become part of your identity and sense of purpose.  Whether someone is serving Jesus or a new age spiritual guru, he/she ought to perhaps come to realize that in some way , this has become his/her way of life. This is his identity.   This fulfills his sense of purpose.  When you dictate a human being’s sense of purpose and identity, you own his/her soul. You truly do.  You can get him to willingly murder abortion doctors, or a wear suicide bomber vest. 

(And if you read the blog often, you recognize the repeated resurgence  of Purpose/identity theme  often. Pardon the heavy psychology, but it’s important to slap yourself upside the head with realizations.)

It’s imperative for all of us as human beings to have a sense of purpose and an identity.  However, you have to ask yourself: Isn’t silly to have your identity be that of someone who spends tens of 1000s of Dollars on self-help?  IS this something to be proud of?  Could this be something in retrospect to find redeeming?

Oh, but I can see it now.  The influx of anger from gurus and their devout disciples alike: “Ha!  You just don’t understand.”

The problem, my dear Watson, is that I DO understand and hence why you should reevaluate yourself if you find yourself knee deep in the thick swamps of self-help without a paddle.  Take a look at yourself from a third person perspective.

In essence, imagine looking at a biographical movie of yourself on a big screen TV.  We could all use a reality-check once in a while.  Before you do that, maybe you ought to look at my friend’s wife, who has spent tens of 1000s of Dollars on seminars trying to acquire the “Millionaire Mindset.”

She is still not a millionaire.  She is not even a 100,000er.  In fact, had she spent that 20,000 Dollars on buying some stock from Apple 6 years ago, she’d have some decent return on investment right about now, but I digress.

Look at it this way:  People who are fit and healthy do not repeatedly attend weight-loss conventions.  Sure, a fitness aficionado (me included) will pick up a new book  here and there as a hobby but it takes an entirely different type of animal to spend 1000 of Dollars on repeated seminars every single year.

There is a sense of absolutism that self-help gurus operate with.  Simply put, it is an “All or nothing” mentality.  “You’re either with us or against us” mindset drives their business forward forever.  None of their preaching can really be proven or unsproven.  It can’t be confirmed or denied.  It just exists in this plain of fluff caught in a time-space vacuum of ambiguities where only the truly privileged who pay over the course of 50 years can truly come to grasp.

This sense of absolutism must exist because their authority cannot be questioned.  You need their enlightenment forever and ever.  Critical thinking on your part cannot be accepted.  If you can bypass critical-thinking, you can control someone’s actions and behavior.  Henceforth, logic, rational, and reason must be eradicated at all costs. 

A religious person will convince you that a guy rented a small studio apartment literally inside a whale, and that another guy took a pair of every single specie of animals on a ship the size of a modern aircraft carrier which he built without any tools or even a hammer.  

A self-help guru will similarly convince you that he holds the key to enlighenment and anyone who challenges this assertion will be met with character attacks: “You’re negative.  You don’t get it.  You don’t want to get it.  You’re just trying to bring others down… and etc…” 

Should all self-help be discarded?

 No.  Reading books or attending seminars that give you basic building blocks are useful.  I’ve found value in them and I think so have other.  Hey, I write a Blog that gives dating tips.   I even share some of the psychological concepts/tools I have come to learn.  It’s just how long and how much money you devote to this endeavor and how many years you spend that can become borderline ridiculous.

 Did you go to a Tony Robbins seminar?  Good.  I went to one too.  I really enjoyed it.  I’d even recommend it to you except I worry you may fall into the trap of becoming a disciple.  I’ve personally met people who have been involved “Studying” with Tony for almost a decade now.  (And there are no signs of them leaving the compound anytime soon.)  Again, imagine that for a minute: 10 YEARS of studying Tony.

If people immersed themselves in self-help for a year or two to get out of a hole, then there’d be no cause for concern.  Often, it’s not how it works.  OK, I can see the frustration of the malcontent now:

“Man, this guy does Not get it. What do you have against people improving themselves?”

A common response from a self-help guru, I’d presume.  I am an ardent advocate of improving oneself.   You could pick up a book on philosophy, you could enroll in a college course, you could start a physical fitness program, you could start a new hobby….  Wait, How about learning to speak a new language???

Those are all ways of improving oneself, and don’t require you to repeatedly spend 10,000 Dollars a year for the next 10 years.

• So to bring this full circle: What is the goal of self-help?

The goal of self-help is LEAVING IT.  You have certain issues and so you delve into self-help.  In some cases, professional help may be required. In other cases, you get through that period, and you learn some good things.  Whether it’s advice on having a more fit body, a healthier diet, or effectively flirting with the opposite sex, you learn good solid tips that will help guide you. You may even spend a couple of years in it.

Yes, you can learn good information from self-help.  It may benefit you in providing some perspective and teach you some applicable tools to get over the low point you’re in at the moment.

• But do remember: The Goal of Self-Help is Leaving it.

.

Cameron

.

In Part 1 of the Solely External Validation-Seeker, I talked about individuals who possess this personality trait.  It’s a toxic trait that will eventually destroy your relationship with that person if you’re someone who has deeper aspects to his/her personality.

If you deal with certain segments of society, then naturally you’re going to experience more of such encounters.  Sometimes, this is just the byproduct of too much time spent in the nightclub scene.  Can’t tell you how often I’ve heard, “Women are just shallow whores” or “Men are selfish assholes.”

The problem is a great percentage of the people you run into at nightclub type of venues in big cities are the externally validated, empty people. The danger in that is that it skews your perception of the opposite sex.  Men will start thinking women are shallow, superficial bitches, and women will think men are shallow, selfish assholes.

They’re both right given the circumstances which they have chosen to evaluate people.

To be fair, some cities such as New York are a bit different as they seem to have a lot of bars and pubs where people hang out to socialize.  They are not necessarily your average “Party” Crowd.    Los Angeles, on the other hand, doesn’t really offer that alternative.  (Which is unfortunate.)

Someday, most of these people will get married for various reasons.  For some, it’ll be economical, and others just cultural.  A great deal of them will go through bitter divorces involving grief and scummy lawyers, but that was self-evident long before the words “I do” were ever exchanged.    I’ve come across men who were multi-millionaires with forever sworn enemies named, “my Ex-wife.”

Part of the goal of this series on toxic-personas is to provide clarity and provide keys on recognizing toxic traits within people.

Facebook provided a good example that everyone can relate to these days.  Everyone seems to be on there.  Even people’s pets have profile pages now!

You’ll observe that people of similar ilk display the same behavior patterns.  You’ll come to recognize those behavior patterns quickly with the power from a little observation and common sense.

Case and point: You’re talking to some individual at a party and she mentions how much she loves going to rehab. (No, not for substance abuse.  That’d mean she is actually trying to better her life).  This is a different type of “Rehab.”

So, what is Rehab?

Well, let’s put it this way: If we lived in the Star Trek era, (say another 300 years into the future), and the United Federation of Planets gathered up all of the biggest douchebags in the galaxy from various planets and put them all at a weekend afternoon pool party in Las Vegas, you’d have rehab.

It’s the newest greatest craze in Las Vegas.  Gigantic pool parties with booze flowing that are essentially night clubs during the day time.

Business wise, it’s brilliant!  Dating wise, it’s a disaster.

I’ve never been to rehab (pool party or the drug addiction kind), but I’ve talked to enough rehab frequenters to know the type of individuals going to this.  I am sure some people go for fun, but there is a good majority who go repeatedly and often!  They’re the “rehab types.”

.

"Rehab" Pool Party

.

So what’s the point of this rehab discussion?  Here is a no-nonsense practical application:

You’re at a house party, (or some social gathering), talking to a random girl and she tells you how much she enjoys going to rehab in Vegas OFTEN. Right then, you can deduce quite a few things from that simple admission.

1. She sleeps around often and indiscriminately.  (Looking for quick lay?  This is your chick!)
2. She often gets drunk and makes out with guys, but cannot later even explain why she made out with some guy she has no interest in.
3. Most likely, she will not make a suitable partner if you’re looking to have a serious relationship.

Let’s give it fair balance, however.  This is not one sided by any means.  What if you’re a female reading this and can recall conversations with dudes telling you they love rehab that much?  I mean, what if you’re one of my female friends asking me what I think of some dude you just met at a party?

“He mentioned he can’t wait till the summer to go to rehab in Vegas every few weeks and this dude is past his mid 20s?   It’s overwhelmingly clear, my Dear Watson: He is a Douchebag!”

.

——————————–

.

Stories of Rehab :  Meet Gino!

I hang out with Gino 2 or 3 times every fiscal year.  You’d like Gino too.  He’s fun to hang with, and likes to joke around.  He is also quick to tell me about his latest exploits and he doesn’t even know I write a Dating-Blog!  Come to think of it, he is the first person who introduced me to “Rehab.”  He keeps telling me how I should go.

As you might have guessed by now, Gino just  hit “Rehab” a few times this past summer but he learned a new trick up his sleeve this time around.  He keeps hitting himself in the head as to why he didn’t start doing this trick years ago: You can trade cocaine for sex.

In a recent rehab adventure, Gino received a blow job in the toilet when he offered a girl some blow upon meeting her at the pool.    You should really see the exuberance Gino’s face.

I wasn’t there when Thomas Edison finally got that first light bulb to work and change the course of human history forever, but I’d like to think it was a grin as big and proud as Gino’s!  Yes, ladies and gentleman, you could use cocaine to lure chicks.  (Unlike most dating advice online by gurus, this trick does work!)

Is it right or wrong? It is ethical? Is it cool?  Well, that all depends whose perspective you look at it from.

I suppose if you’re the guy receiving the blowjob, you think it’s right!  I mean, if you’re Gino, desperately seeking a blow job from a random female, then giving up a few grams of cocaine to receive oral sex is “Fair Trade.”   You get a blowjob, she gets to snort coke, and the dealer you bought from may invest the money in something legit so it may even help the US economy in these desperate times.

Then again, if you’re the guy back in town who is actually dating the girl who is blowing Gino in a Vegas bathroom, you may think of it as a raw deal.   Upon her return home, you’d give her a hello-kiss, and be prepped to get a taste of Gino to go along with….

If you’re the father of the girl who is now blowing Gino in exchange for snorting cocaine, you probably feel like a failure as a parent.   Whether you were abusive, or neglecting , it’s irrelevant now.  It’s official: Beyond any reasonable doubt, you failed miserably as a parent.

If you’re the guy reading this blog right at this moment, you gotta decide which side of the friggin’ fence you are on.   Which guy do you want to be?   I don’t want to be any of them.

.

Whooops

.

.

So let’s bring this thing full circle from where we started: The Exclusively-externally validated stimulus junkie personality trait.

People’s actions speak louder than words.  I don’t know how old that cliché is, but it’ll never become obsolete because it’ll always remain accurate.

Are all “Rehab” party goers of Gino’s and miss coke-whore’s ilk?   Nope.  Not every single person obviously.  However, repeated patterns of behavior display the motivational factors in a person’s psyche.    If the repeated behavior exemplifies that of the examples in this article and the last, then you can be certain the writing is on the wall.

It’s inevitable that there will be problems with your friendships & relationships with the aforementioned type of individuals if you share a different set of values than they do.  It’s as inevitable as you right now throwing your shoe up in the air and observing gravity bringing it back down.

As you’ve probably figured out by now, this is not about sex.  It’s about what values people hold close to their chest.  So when I meet a Mr. “I try to go to Rehab 10 times every summer,” I intuitively have a strong gut reaction as to whom I dealing with.

So what do you know about that particular dude?

A.  Very likely that this guy will try to sleep with the girl you’re dating.  He may not succeed but he will try.

B.  He’ll party with you, but will ditch you to upgrade his situation.

C.  If you had a minor infraction (too many parking tickets?) that landed you in the county jail and you had to be bailed out on a Friday afternoon or else spend the weekend there ‘til Monday morning, well, if you were relying on Rehab dude to post bail and he had a 15% chance of getting a blowjob from a coke-whore, you better start befriending the biggest mother-effer in that jail because you’re spending the weekend.

(Note, not speaking from experience on that last one! It’s speculation on my part.)

Is it malicious or evil? Not at all.  It’s just the way they are.  Do you blame a stray dog running around for suddenly biting you?  Do you get mad at it and take it personal?  You might, but you also realize that the stray animal is just that.  It may bite you.

Same story with the solely-external-stimulus driven rehab junkie. He/she acts the way that comes from seeking that external stimulus that is  consistent with someone void of character.  Should you pursue a close relationship/(Dating/friendship/whatever) with that individual, you’re going to pay the price.

This is unless, of course, you’re a fellow person of the same ilk.  In that case, you’ll get along really well.

Choose Wisely.

Cameron

Building Attraction Secrets Ebook

.

Continuing in this series of toxic personality traits, we come to the examine the value taker.    This is a trait exhibited by individuals who have a great propensity towards self-absorption and a lack of willingness to want to contribute.

To compound the above mentioned issues, these individuals also may display a bewildering sense of entitlement.  I’ll explain that a bit later.

Like the complainer, the value-taker can become just as easy to spot, if you learn to know what to look for.   To start identifying this trait, you  just have to be aware of super basic tell-tale signs that give them away.

The most noticeable trait that is rather self evident is their complete disregard towards other people’s lives.  You’ll quickly note their tendency to not ask any questions about you.  When they do, it’s related to what they can siphon off for themselves.  It’s not about showing any actual interest in you.

So let’s assume you’re at a party, and you run to such types.  They’ll come into basic general varieties.

Type 1 : The Proverbial Gold-Digger who will dig for information: What do you drive?  Do you own or rent? What kind of a job?  They may not ask explicitly and blatantly, but they’ll try to investigate to discover this info.

Type II: Talk about themselves constantly.  Sometimes it’s the gold digger trying to impress you.  Having established you’re someone of value, she is going to want to make a good impression.  The most fascinating part this is that her own gold-digging prowess is limited by her lack of social skills.

It’ll sound like this: “Oh, I just moved her from Chicago, ya know I just love Chicago, but I moved out here, then when I got here, blah, blah, blah,… (2 min later)  then 3 weeks later when I was on this job, I heard that…. Blah, blah, blah…”

Their story is not anecdotal, nor does it have a point.  It’s not meant to entertain you, (because that’d be actually contributing something to the interaction), nor is it in the spirit of sharing and establishing rapport between two individuals.

It’s just a person talking.   It’s NOT whimsical, insightful, educational, anecdotal, humorous, or entertaining.  Just random words thrown in the air that follow enough of a format where they seem to make somewhat coherent sentences in the English language.  (or a foreign language for that matter.)

To go a step deeper, individuals with this toxic personality trait often display a sense of entitlement.  For some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of humanity, these people feel that they’re entitled to certain things.  For this reason, they’re the worst to deal with in any sort of relationship, be it friendships, business, or romantic.

You could easily gather a handful of various businessmen in a variety of industries and they could easily tell you the common behavioral patterns amongst problem customers who suffer from a sense of entitlement.

Let’s say you had some sort of a consulting service, and you’re one of the best at what you do.  Your rates for services rendered are an even $100 per hour.

A healthy person would enjoy your services, thank you for a job well done, and refer many clients towards word of mouth.

A toxic “Entitled” person would stay a half hour over time squeezing more of your services and time, (now up to 90 minutes instead of 60), and then at the end of all that, try to negotiate to pay less than the usual 100-Dollar rate.

Worst case scenario: He wasted an extra half hour of your time, paid you less than your current rates, and then may still want a refund 3 weeks later.   I have no respect for these types of people. They pull douchebag moves that are driven by their self-absorption and sense of entitlement.

As usual, this is not specific to gender.  Both men and women can possess this toxic trait.

What you can do about it:  Get the f*** away from such people.  These are not people you want to be involved with in relationships, friendships, or business!!

Sometimes, just the questions they ask you reveal enough insight that enables you to distinguish the toxicity within their personalities.  In business, it’s the difference between, “Wow, your rates are too steep man” versus “I can’t afford all of that right now.  Is there something else I can do or offer to make up for it?”

The latter person wants to contribute. This in fact reminds me of a friend of mine who is a fantastic kickboxer. He charges a good rate for his hourly services, but then, every so often I’d find random dudes helping him in various endeavor.

Upon being asked regarding a guy helping him build a fence in his backyard, he responded, “Oh, that’s ‘John’.  He can’t afford to pay me so I told him I’d teach him and he could help me build that fence.”

I told him it sounded like the Karate Kid movie all over again!  He laughed and agreed.

The point is, “John” was willing to contribute but the dude simply couldn’t afford to pay the cash required.  Working a job that paid him 12 Dollars an hour didn’t allow him to afford to pay 75 Dollars for a private lesson.

Was building a fence exact compensation? Nope, but it was enough of an effort that was worthy.   The kickboxing teacher expressed to me,  “OK, the guy is a hard worker, dedicated, wants to learn and is willing to put an effort to contribute in whatever way he can…..”

Will everyone be willing to do what my kickboxing teacher friend did? No, but you’ll find enough people who will help you if you are willing to CONTRIBUTE in whatever way you can.

——————–

So let’s bring it all back to the dating application:

With a little bit of experience, you can ascertain the knowledge and gauge these traits rather instinctively. (Do keep in mind that we’re discussing specific traits within someone’s personality that spell disaster.)

If you’re talking to some girl at a random party and you find that all she does is talk about herself, you already know what you need to know.  Person is not suitable for long-term dating.

If for the same reason detect behavioral patterns that display a sense of entitlement, you already have learned that you should never consider seriously dating this person.  Come to think of it, you shouldn’t form any serious relationship with this person, be it in business or personal.

Now, you could take it to the extreme, date this type, even get married to her, become the most miserable man in your county, and suffer through a rough divorce that has you more bitter than the citizens of Cleveland towards Lebron James.

Or you could just realize what you were dealing with and not take them seriously.  Same thing applies to men. If you’re a girl talking to some guy whose speech reeks of “Me, me, me, I, I, I,” then you’ve just saved yourself the trouble of going on a few dates.

You already know the dude is a self-absorbed prick. You just weeded out someone who was going to be a huge waste of your time.

A sense of entitlement driven by a compulsion towards self-absorption in an extremely toxic personality trait.   On the polar opposite, you’ll also find people who are willing to contribute in whatever they can.

The hours you spend with a value-taker are wasted time that you could HAVE BEEN spending with someone with a sense of contribution creating a situation where both of you enjoy each other.

It was time you could have spend with someone enjoyable and a time you could have cherished looking back.     Once you internalize that, you’ll be in far better shape.

Cameron

.

In part 1, (Understanding Indifference in DATING,) I discussed how Indifference works in attracting women, and what the requirements are.  In this part, we’re going to tackle the next two questions.

• How does Indifference Backfire?
• What type of Women best respond to this?

In the following segments, I’ll discuss the drawbacks .

—————

.

3.  How does Indifference Backfire?

.

I’ll illustrate through a likely scenario you can relate to:

You call a girl on Tuesday, and invite her to some event this coming Saturday.  She tells you, “Not sure.  Let’s talk on Friday.”  Now, if you have gotten this reply, (and if you’ve interacted with a lot of girls, chances are you’re cringing right now) because you know that the odds of this whole thing coming together just plummeted faster than Enron Stock.

As I explained in the last article, that reply from her translates into: “You’re the backup plan.  I’ll go out with you last minute if nothing else better comes up between now and then.”

So what would Mr. Indifference dating-coach advise you?  The indifference advice is to not care.  And just forget about it, and invite them to something else the following week nonchalantly.  Just extend an invite and forget about it.  Or perhaps better option next time:  Mr. Indifference would say that you shouldn’t even ask them out.

Just issue invites every so often.    So, you ought to just send a text telling her, “Hey, going to bar Y, or Event X on Friday.  You should go.  It’ll be fun.”

She may or may not come.  Either way, you’ve lost nothing.  Hey, all you’ve done is just send invites out.  This is a viable strategy and it can work.  More noteworthy, it works well with specific types of women.  (I’ll come back to that later.)

Here is the key and what you have you to understand:   You just dragged that interaction to gamesmanship.  Now, it’s a chess game.  Who is going to invite whom, and who’ll show.  Invite her, she either shows up or not.

Repeat same pattern next week.  But remember kids, don’t call. Don’t show you care, drink your milk, eat your vitamins, and keep your power.  You’re full fledged involved in playing games back and forth.

You have just encountered one of the drawbacks of “Indifference.”  You have created a gamesmanship playing field, and some people do enjoy that.  You’ve created a social dynamic in which you’re waiting to see who is going to cave in first, and give in to the attrition.

Others are too busy and don’t have the time or the patience.  Where do you fall in?

Furthermore, here are a slew of problems with the pattern of behavior you’ve chosen:

• What if you actually like to go on a somewhat traditional date?
• What if you are not a big fan of bars?
• Even more, what if you don’t want to have a first date at a bar?
• Even more important, what if you like the type of women who are bar hoppers?

Well, you’re sort of fucked.  Issue out invites and some will show, some won’t.

While this may be functional for a non-discriminatory “Get-laid” system, it may not be what you seek exactly (or at what so ever.)

So I say, find a better way!  I say, forget the, “Live in fear of giving your power away.”  This may not be your attitude and that’s fine.  If you are however uninterested in going back and forth, then you have to have standards and expect some accountability.

Hence this article: Understanding Indifference versus Accountability.

By establishing a certain standard of what behavior you tolerate and which behaviors you refuse to tolerate, you circumvent this circular time consuming level of gamesmanship.  You take the attitude of, “I do what I say, and I say what I mean.”

—————-

.

4.  What type of women does Indifference best work on?

.

What about pure indifference as it’s taught?  Surely, you’ve read advice that has instructed you to act like you don’t care about her or women in general, ever!  TWO key points about pure indifference that you ought to remember:

Point 1:     The pure indifference  “Don’t ever show you care” advice is ONLY designed to GET YOU A PIECE OF ASS! It is NOT designed to allow you to connect with another human being, because you’ve most likely dragged the interaction down to gamesmanship.  So if you want a cool girl to date or if you want a girlfriend, you just threw it all away.

Point 2:    That advice is also NOT designed to get you a quality woman of high value. A quality girl with high self-esteem is going to want to know & feel that she is somewhat valued by the guy she is dating.  Remember, she’s got a lot of choices too.

Having said that, I’ll again concede that certain women respond well to that pure indifference.  If this is all you ever do, then you’ll find unequivocally that Club-skanks, certain party chicks, and socialites respond well to this type of behavior.

Why is that so?

OK, if you must know why, If you MUST KNOW the reason, if your analytical part of your brain is begging to KNOW…. I’ll tell you in the next article.  (Just teasing on the last note.)

Here is the reason:  The archetypes of women I just mentioned are mostly EXTERNALLY VALIDATED. When you withhold that external validation, it fucks with their system, to put it scientifically.

The reason it does not work well with high QUALITY women is because they have some sort of an INTERNAL source of validation (not to be mistaken with ego).  Their internal source of validation can come from a variety of sources: It may be higher education, or  it could be something as simple as that they joined some volunteer organization to do some good.  The origin of the source is somewhat irrelevant.

Key is realizing that they have some source of personal pride.  Hence, they TOO, have standards regarding how they want to be treated.  (Just like I advised you in the Accountability article.  They apply to the same mindset as well.)

So when such gurus say, “Be completely indifferent,” what they really mean is “Be indifferent to the QUALITY of woman you’re going to get.  You may get some trashy insecure invalid to ride your pogo stick, but that’s how it goes.”

• This is where you have to make a conscious decision!

You have to think about what sort of relationships you want and with what sort of a woman.  If your chief goal is to stick your cock into a random vagina, then that pure-indifference may work well.  If you’re looking to get a girlfriend, and you want your girlfriend to be a quality person whom you can respect, then you have to part ways with the mindset of complete indifference.

The conscious decision you make has to factor in that the behavior which you exude will attract/repel certain type of people, in the same manner that the people whom you choose to call friends ultimately speak volumes about who you are.

As far as indifference is concerned, now you understand  why it works, how it works, what type of women it’ll get you, and what sort of scenarios it’s best suited for.   (Btw, I may have just saved you over 5000 Dollars, but keep that between us.)

Cameron

(And yes, the following Ebook, Building Attraction Secrets,will change your dating life for the better)

.

Continuing on my quest to clarify Dating concepts, I am going to deconstruct the “Indifference” today.  Undoubtedly, I am sure that you’ve come across people touting this concept if you’ve sought dating advice for a while.

1. How does Indifference Work?
2. What Are the Requirements?
3. When does it backfire?
4. What type of women/girls best respond to this?

If you don’t intuitively understand the answers to the above four questions, you’re not going to be very good at applying this concept.  This is one of the biggest reasons why 90% of guys who seek dating advice do not really improve much, and to be completely honest with you, most dudes teaching you dating techniques don’t know it themselves.

• How does  Indifference Work?

Its chief design is to create, or rather trigger, an emotional response in people by providing the appearance that you have higher value and to further trigger that “people want what they can’t have” type of situation.

This is generally a sound concept, but there is an enormous piece of the puzzle most guys overlook.  That piece, a prerequisite to making Indifference functional, happens to be “Attraction.”

During a conversation with a girl, you can apply “Indifference” by having the attitude of “I don’t really care.”  It’d resemble the following attitude: “You want to go out on a date?  Sounds great.  You are not interested in seeing me?  OK, no biggie.  There are other girls who are interested.”   C’est la vie as the Frenchies say.

It’s not angry, nor is it being bitter.  It is what it exactly indicates: Indifferent.  Lacking emotion towards any issue makes you indifferent.  Hey, random Joe blow doesn’t like chicken sandwiches.  You’d say, “OK, so what?”  That’s being indifferent.

—————

• What are the Requirements?

Indifference, in and of by itself, is not an end-all be-all solution.

Case and Point: If you live in the U.S, you’ve probably walked into a 7-11 (or equivalent) convenience store at some point and have had a vagrant ask you for money.  Now, on some occasion, you probably even gave that homeless individual some change out of your pocket.

Pop quiz: If you walked to that same 7-11 and saw that bum asking everyone for money, except when it came to YOU, would you suddenly feel self-conscious?  Would you think, “Man, why didn’t that bum smelling like a mixture of alcohol and urine ask ME for money?”

Probably not.  If you would think that, seek help.  You’re far beyond the scope of what my blog can do for you.

Lesson here:  You need some attraction for indifference to work.  Whether it’s sheer physical looks, charm, wit, charisma, or your 1957 Corvette, you need some appeal.  How do you achieve attraction?  Well, you can get my Attraction Ebook for that.  Regardless, you need some attraction, meaning she must be somewhat interested in you.  You must appeal to her on some level.

If you do not, indifference will not be very effective for you.  This is the part most men miss.  They’re falsely under the impression that if they somehow stood in a corner facing a wall, and ignored a girl, somehow she’d be turned on and her juices would start to flow.

You’ll have a better chance to see the Chicago Cubs win a Baseball World Series before that actually works for you.

So now you know how Indifference functions and what you need in order for it to be functional.

• How does it backfire?  What type of women are ideal for this?

Well, you’ll have to tune in for the next article to see that one. Trust me, it only gets better.

Cameron

.

  In the last article, The Guru Epidemic, I talked about the behavior of most Gurus and their Modus Operandi.  Someone unfamiliar, (or even familiar) with self-help gurus and teachers of enlightenment may natually wonder: WHY do people take refuge in gurus?

• SO WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE GO TO GURUS?

 Come on Cameron.  The picture you paint is not very flattering.  Why would people worship these individuals?

Well, I’ll share a quick story that may help you see this dynamic from another perspective.

A gentleman by the name of David DeAngelo has been giving Dating advice online since about 2001.  He has countless DVDs, seminars, and audio products on dating advice.  You probably have heard of him.    2 years ago, ”David DeAngelo” decided to give seminars on marketing under his real name Eben Pagen.

 Yet, some of the same people who attended his dating seminars, STILL chose to willingly attend his marketing seminars though they had zero interest in learning about Internet Marketing   A very analytical friend of mine was about to lose his mind.  As though he were “Rainman” on uppers, he kept repeating,  “But I don’t get it!  They’re looking for dating advice.  This is a marketing seminar!  Why are they paying 5000 Dollars to see this guy speak about marketing when they want DATING advice? Why, why, why???”

To which I replied:

“You’re not getting it emotionally.  That’s Daddy up there!  That’s their father on stage!!!   That’s why they’re there, a chance to see daddy one more time”

There you have it!  The guru relationships.  Most subjects, specially in the DATING FIELD, (I don’t know if this’d apply in the financial-advice field for example) are NOT EVEN SEEKING ADVICE.  THEY’RE LOOKING FOR A FATHER amidst these gurus.

.

Guru is not your father

 The over-bearing guru who has all of the answers represents a father-figure most guys  at that seminar have not had.  Maybe they had fathers who were meek, or perhaps their dad was never around. In these modern times, people are missing father figures, and hence, they seek to fill that void through finding gurus who can tell them what to do, give them direction, and tough love.  (To be fair, David D never signed up for this.  However, there are plenty of “Gurus who relish in taking this role and do take advantage of it).

 I think if you had a father who was a masculine figure, a man’s man, who spent time with you when you were a kid, you’d have a hard time ending up in the guru-worshipping circles.  You could even get sucked in for a short while perhaps, but you’d snap out of it quickly.   A lack of a strong caring father figure is a common trend you’d find as the common element in the guru worhippers.

 I should add that I am not condemning anyone for going to a seminar to improve on anything, whether it’s financial advice, or how to be a better Tennis player weekend crashcourse.  Being progressive is a great attribute.  However, when the knack for being for being progressive is replaced by a need for a father figure/guru who influences your every decision, you’ve crossed  on over into a slippery slope.

 Would you like to be horrified for a bit?   This will only take you 10 minutes and save your hours of time from having to watch another shitty “Saw” movie.    Stick your head in “Tony Robbins Forums” for 10 minutes and be sure to  have a vomit-bucket close by.  You’ll find people who can’t figure out what to do for exercise, or what to eat for breakfast, or how to tie on their shoelaces without Tony Robins telling them the proper way to do it.  Again, Tony seems like a nice guy.  I don’t know that he set out to do this, but it’s bound to happen. 

 If you happen to be one of these people and can identify with the above people, then maybe you should look into getting your issues fixed.   Most people assume “Gurus” to be a notch, (or two or three notches) above average normal people.  The ultimate irony is that most gurus are a notch (or two or three) BELOW normal average people. (For reasons mentioned above, and trust me, I’ve spent enough time with self proclaimed gurus.)  

  If you want to learn to better social skills, and learn more about attracting women, then yes, learn from me. Get my audio course.  If you want to read more good stuff, then learn from “Stephen Nash” or “Sinn”.  If you want to learn the piano, then hire a piano-teacher, and if you want to learn to play basketball better, then hire the proper basketball coach. 

There are some people who don’t sign up to be a guru, but end up being one by default because they’re such strong masculine figures.  My buddy Steve P. probably falls under that category but it doesn’t change the fact that he does great work to create change through hypno-therapy.  Steve is also a guy you can hang with, talk about movies, business, or MMA.  There are rare exceptions as I mentioned.

If you’re looking for a guru to be your father, then you’ll have to address that on your own.  I have enough understanding of social behaviors and dynamics to take full advantage of people seeking fathers, but it’s not my style.  It’s not who I am.  I’ll leave that to the guys who have all of the answers, who occasionally carry an Asian assistant behind them.  (I’m telling you: Look for the crony walking behind.)

 Then how will you know when you have arrived?  How will you know when you’ve had enough seminars to become enlightened?  How is anyone ever suppose to really know?  You know when you know!  (A truly guru-esque answer, btw. Thank you!)   You know when you’ve arrived at that point when you know what want to do, and now it’s a matter of doing it.  You start exploring the how, and by that I mean, you start exploring what specific actions you have to take. 

 Study those who are successful in that endeavor.  They know what they wanted to do, and then started doing it. Sometimes, it took them a while to get their act together, and if they’re famous, there maybe a mug-shot of them on some Internet website just for laughs. Sometimes it takes a few years to figure out your “Stuff” and along the way, you may stop at a few seminars, and read some books.  You’ll figure out and you’ll know you’ve arrived when you know that you don’t need any gurus anymore…. 

 I believe that gurus are only building on the same psychological principles that were started 1000s of years ago with the advents of prophets.   Whether it was Moses, Jesus or Muhammad, these individuals recognized that probably a good 80% of the population desperately needed a figurehead to give them answers, without which, they could not find purpose!  (This theme of Purpose & Identity is so ever recurring.) So these clever individuals took on that role.  Seriosuly, could you other wise sell that story about a guy living inside a whale?  But let’s get back to the modern day gurus… 

     Ultimately, you learn that no human being has ALL of the answers.  A little spirituality is good, but still, no person (or team of persons) has all of the answers.  Those who achieve great things have a drive that comes from within and they have a certain strength that they’re going to push forward.  This sense of achievement is not always material or financial.   Sometimes, it’s a simple story about an individual who had to learn to walk again after being told by doctors that he would not be able to ever walk again following a tragic accident. 

 It’s having the confidence in yourself that you’re going to get it done, and you shall find a way to do so.  Along the way, you’re going to learn a few things, including things about yourself, and certainly, there will be people/family/friends/coaches/teachers/professors who will contribute to this endeavor.

 Or so that is my finding. 

Cameron

The Guru Epidemic.

 .

Wise Guru

. 

Gurus are an interesting breed of people.  Quite frankly, I never knew any gurus until I entered this world of dating-advice where I came face to face with a multitude of gurus and they’re not always in dating arena.  There are plenty of self-help gurus out there and it’s definitely a multi-million dollar industry.

 The guru-epidemic is fascinating.  If you’ve read any portions of this blog, you know that I enjoy deconstructing behaviors of human beings, as well as looking at the social psychology of personal human interactions.   I’ve enjoyed doing this long before I ever found a dating-advice community.  Some people enjoy studying cells under a microscope, some people enjoy smoking various types of weed, and me, I enjoy looking the human character. 

 And man, let me tell ya, gurus are a fascinating bunch.  They present themselves as these perfect infallible creatures who have all of the answers and underlying that presentation is layered with undertones of “Holier-than-thou” snobbery that’d make an art critic blush.  Perhaps people who have all of the answers feel entitled to a notion of pomposity for the gifts that the universe has bestowed upon them.

  I have had a chance to personally spend time with many of these gurus and I am here to report my intriguing discoveries.  When you’re in awe of someone, you don’t see the angles.  At some point, I became of someone of equal stature to the gurus.  Being someone’s equal provides an entirely different perspective.   Gurus have a very unique social behavior that is specific to them, and after reading this, YOU too will be able to pinpoint it.

                       ———————————–

•   The Appearance of Perfection:

Part of a guru’s selling point is the “All-knowing” frame.  This is an important part of the presentation because many people who seek self-help advice from gurus are seeking answers.  But it goes far deeper than that and I am going to get to that in a bit.  Stay tuned because we’re just getting started.

 To their subjects, Gurus are the embodiment of perfection.  It’s similar to how a 12 or 14 year old teenager has posters of his/her favorite idols.  We all go through that phase, but when you’re 12, it’s part of the process of growing up.  You’re friggin’ 12 years old.  When you’re in your 20s or 30s, (some cases men much older), you have to let go of the concept of a perfect humanoid.

Nevertheless, Gurus present an appearances of Perfection which is so ever appealing to the crowd of folks lined up looking to get a piece of that perfection.

*PS. Hidden Dating Tip: If you’re ever about to date a girl who thinks you’re perfect for some reason, you must admit some flaws about yourself.  Say you met someone in real life or on the Internet for that matter, and you’ve been chatting on the phone lots and she just thinks you’re perfect.  You’re setting her up for disappointment.  You don’t want your date ever being under that illusion.

———————————–

•   Limiting Time spent with Subjects

 Gurus will often not spend a lot of time with you.  You will have been very lucky to get an hour or two of their time. They’ll repeatedly tell you about how busy they are and how much they have going on.  Truth of the matter is, they CANNOT afford to spend too much time.  If they did, most people would become disenchanted with the guru.  They’d see, not only the guru is not perfect, but he is incredibly flawed.  For the most part, they’d see a lazy person who doesn’t do a whole lot, except talk.  Action is sorely lacking.  Talking is profusely prevalent. 

 Personally, I always have a chuckle when I hear a guru tell me about how busy he is.  Ron Livingstone’s character, Peter, from the movie “Office Space” is a bona fide workaholic compared to most gurus… But the catch is, you won’t get the chance to ever see that. ;-)

———————————–

•  Gurus’ Mode of Communication

  To me, this is the most fascinating part of the social-behavior of gurus.  Gurus do not have conversations or engage in dialogue.  They engage in monologues.  More accurately, they engage in lectures.  It’s a one-sided conversation where they lecture everyone else.  Much like a University professor in a classroom, they have one-sided conversation where they lecture everyone else.  Well, except for that the fact, once the college professor leaves the classroom, he is able to have normal conversation with his friends and peers.

 Self-help gurus never leave this mode.  Their only mode is “Lecture” mode where they will tell you how things are.  You could even be meeting them as equals on the same plain (Which in this case does apply to me), and yet they go to their lecture mode.  I find it fascinating, (and let’s be honest, their behavior gives me comedy material.  So I sit back and listen.)

 If you’re skeptical of this, I’d invite you to have an encounter with a guy who claims to have started the “Seduction Community” by the initials of RJ.  10 Minutes is all you’ll really need. 

———————————–

• Gurus Do Not really have Friends.

          
I know.  Shocking, isn’t?  Am I really serious about this one?

  Well, this one is really simple: If all you do is lecture people, what sort of people are you going to keep around?  Anyone worth a damn with decent self-esteem who has something going for himself/herself is not going to stick around very long. 

 Only highly insecure people are willing to stick around and spend time with someone who does NOT consider them equals.  You don’t have to be Einstein to figure this one out.

  By the way, WTF!  What’s with the friggin’ Asian assistant?

yes, I assistant to Guru.

 Some “Gurus” have an Asian assistant  Now, this is usually an Asian guy with a very thick accent who is very submissive.  I’ve yet to see an assitant was born and raised in the United States.   There are actually a few such gurus in the Seduction Community with such minions.  They have an Asian assistant who runs errands for them, keeps track of their appointments, and does daily activities. 

 These people are not paid any money or if they are, it’s minimal.  (Properly paid people would be employees.)  These assistants are people who are under the impression that if they hang around the Guru, somehow through osmosis, the guru’s perfection can rub off on them.  Hence, they offer free labor for the opportunity to be in the vicinity of the guru and be part of his life.   Pay close attention and you’ll see the Asian Assistant three steps behind the guru.  The assistant is a lackey who is virtually a free secretary.

 If you step away to look at it from a distance, you’ll note that this is very much a Master- Slave relationship. It’s a bit sad, but really, that’s what it reallyis.  It may be a willing slave not held captive against his will, but he is still a slave being treated like a 2^nd class citizen.

———————————–

• Gurus Cannot Function Well In Normal Society.

 If you’ve been following the article thus far, you know that gurus like to spent short amounts of time with people whom they can lecture, who in turn will not challenge them.  For this reason, most gurus cannot function in a normal house party, (Of course, there’ll be some exceptions always.)   By the way, we are not talking about a frat-party full of drunken 21 year olds.  It could be a sophisticated party.  It doesn’t matter.  Gurus are NOT used to people who assume equal stature to them.  They feel out of their element, and if they cannot lecture you, they will not participate. 

 Furthermore, a lot of gurus are just pretty fucking ignorant.  If they cannot talk about their one specialty (be it dating or whatever), they have nothing to say.  You could start a discussion regarding a hot current event such as providing Universal Health Care for all Americans.  They’ll have nothing to say because, well, they don’t know anything about it either way.   Take a guru to a non-assuming down to earth dinner party, and notice how they start to sweat like a whore in church.  They’ll have a very difficult time making small talk (that normal people make all the time)  about how the New Orleans Saints won the SuperBowl a few weeks ago, or anything else for that matter.  

         ———————————–
            

•  Gurus will shun you if you disagree: 

 This is the greatest cloak-and-dagger trick gurus ever pull.  They will never engage you in a discussion.  First, remember, that you are NOT their equal, so you’re really not in a position to disagree with the wise being.  If you do muster the courage to do so, you will fall out of favor with the guru and be shunned from the group.  You’re exiled and ashamed.  The majority of this blog’s readers are pretty smart people.  The blog tends to attract intellectuals, and some of you may think you can easily disprove a particular guru, but you’ll never have that opportunity.

 The one thing a guru will never ever EVER do is have a discussion based on reason, logic, and rational.  You want a concrete example?  OK, here you go:

You have an equation that reads as follows:  (2X + 10=20)  Solve for X.    Simple algebra tells you that X would equal 5.   But then, a guru may tell you a variety of numbers and you may try to prove to him that X equals 5, but you’ll never get the chance.

 You’ll be met with Vague references such as ,  “You have a scarcity mindset”  or “You don’t come from a place of Abundance.”  Hey, if you did, you’d know that X can equal 55, 21, or negative 5.  Only if you understood the “Laws of Abundance.”    (FYI, This is pretty much the point where the guru will walk away from you, by the way.) 

 You could try to reason, but it won’t work.  You may say, “But Ol’ Wise guru, I attempt to build a bridge.  If my calculations are off, the bridge will collapse and result in great tragedy.”  They’ll tell you that you don’t have enough faith, and perhaps you’re not confident enough.  They’ll find something along those lines and then walk away from you.

 The one thing a guru will never do with ANYONE is engage in a discussion of reason. 

1. Most gurus sell fluff. 
2. Even the ones who believe their own fluff still KNOW that they are not analytically blessed individuals. 

Luckily for the gurus, this situation does not come up.  Why?

1. People with high self-image do not hang around them.
2. People, who do stick around, are submissive to them.
3. The submissive folk run the risk of falling out of favor with the guru, so they won’t challenge him.

  That’s the beauty of being your typical guru:  Lack of accountability.   In a war, they’d call you a war-criminal and attempt to put you on trial.  In a guru-ship, they call you enlightened, and put you on a pedestal.

Just make sure most of your teachings are VAGUE statements that sound enlightened but could never be pinned down to anything specific.  You won’t be challenged, and if you are, you throw your vague teachings at them, and then ostracize them from the group.    

 So the guru will go around and just throw fluff out there. Sometimes there are truisms mixed in there to give you the appearance of legitimate philosophy.  Truisms are important because they satisfy people’s need for a tiny bit of rationale.  One self-proclaimed lifestyle guru (I’ve known personally) will actually tell you verbatim,  “The most important thing you have in this world is your time!” 

REALLY?  No kidding?  Was this the same excerpt taken from the same speech given to “Son of Jor-El from Planet Krpyton??”  

 Because maybe, these are earthlings  out there under false of impressions of immortality?    So, we needed reminders of this?  I could see how Superman (Son of Jor-El for the comic book challenged) would need a reminder every now and then.  He is immortal and bulletproof and so he could become complacent.  I think the rest of us are somewhat aware of the importance of time spent alive.

But this truism makes people have that typical enthralled reaction of “Uhhhhhh, ooooh”.   Heck, sometimes the proverbs might even get a slow-clap from the followers similar to the one Pacino’s character gets at the end of the “Scent of a Woman” (where he actually does make a compelling and thought provoking speech.)  [By the way, I admit it, I love the ”Slow-clap” in movies.) 

 Sometime the philosophy could even be a helpful to an advanced person, but useless to a beginner. Let’s say you just wanted to learn to throw a few punches and started a boxing class for the frist time in your life.  They’d teach you how to throw a “Jab” and a maybe “Cross.”  A few weeks later, they’d teach you how to throw a “Hook” punch and you practice those combos.

 A guru-equivalent would tell you that you just need to come from a place of abundance and need to go of your scarcity mentality.  That doesn’t change the fact that a jab is a jab, a cross is a cross, and a hook is a hook.  No matter how you cut it, you need to learn those basics at some point.  If your social skills, or Financial skills, are broken then you need to fix them, one step at a time.

You need to learn how initiate conversation, or learn how to start spending less & saving more, and so forth.  Baby steps, one step at a time.  Simple, devisable formula to get you going.  Fluff rhetoric sells and it’s guaranteed to have you back (Because it’s not going to solve your issues anyway.)  Hence, the real challenge at hand is formulating an actual plan that starts with some frame of reference. 

 If you want to grow your business, you need some sort of a reference point where you are, and a strategy that you can properly execute to get to the next level.  Sounds really simple, but sometimes, we can all get lost in the fluff.

———————————–

 You won’t fully realize the impact of this article until you do come face to face with a  guru one day.  At that point, you’ll probably scream, “Holy crap!  It’s exactly like what Cameron said.”  You’ll probably note that the guru will immediately take a position of higher authority to you on all issues, ignore subject matters your bring up which happen to be out of the league of his guruship, and he’ll shun you if you assume yourself his equal.  He will answer you with vague ambiguities that sound cool but due to their vagueness could be interested a 1000 different ways…

 And hopefully, having read this article, you’ll have a good laugh instead of feeling slighted or snubbed!  Just realize that you’re dealing with an individual who can’t have any real friends or meetings of the mind with peers… because he can only lecture his ever attentive & thirsty subjects who yearn more for the juice the guru wishes to feed them.

• SO WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE GO TO GURUS?

 Come on Cameron.  The picture you paint is not very flattering.  Why would people worship these individuals?

 The reason for why people flock to the gurus is an interesting social phenomenon by itself.  I’ll get to that in the next article where it becomes even more interesting and twisted…  Stay Tuned……

Cameron

.

In the last article, I talked about what Charisma is and how you can go about developing it.   Remember that there are two main elements to charismatic individuals:  Their inner-working personal beliefs, and subsequently, the Behavior that exudes as a direct the result of how they’re particularly wired.  You can read that article here:

Defining Charisma & Charm – How to develop each

———————-

.

Charm is different than Charisma.   I touched upon this briefly in the last article. Certain people such as JFK were extremely charismatic as well as charming.  Other historical figures such as General Patton were charismatic leaders who were not thought of as “Charming” by any historical account.

What’s the difference?  What creates Charm?  These are answers I had to go and research for myself to learn and so I came to realize the consistencies and patterns of those individuals, so let’s get to it.

People who are charming have the ability to make other people feel good, even if it’s for a very short period.  The definition is really that simple, but then, if it’s so simple, why can’t everyone be charming?  Surely, someone is to read this article at some point and think, “I try hard to make others feel good.  They don’t appreciate it, nor do they see me as charming.”   (By the way, trying hard to be charming is part of the problem, but I’ll get to that later.)

The reason is that charm has to come from a cool confidence.  It’s funny but until about a few years ago, I didn’t even know the word con-man really stood for “Confidence Man.”   I had assumed it somehow equated to a “Fraud” or a “Swindle.”   I was amazed to learn that the “Con” in Con-man actually stood for “Confidence.”   The people who can dupe you so easily sometimes are better known as “Confidence-men.”   Interesting, don’t ya think?   You don’t have to rip people off to be charming.  The point is that confidence from a cool reserved demeanor is a prerequisite for having Charm.

Noteworthy examples of Charming Individuals:

. Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

.

Two of the most famous notable charming people in recent history are United States Presidents Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama.  It’s not uncommon to hear reports of their “Charm” from random individuals recalling their encounters with these two Presidents.

Both Clinton and Obama possess that cool confidence and demeanor which is mandatory.  It’s an absolutely necessary ingredient one must possess before he/she can start making others feel good.

Once you have that baseline established, you can make people feel better about themselves, usually by giving compliments.  They don’t have to be cheesy compliments, but rather they can be appreciations for their work.  Even our current president Obama has this charm.  Obama and Bill Clinton don’t have anywhere close to the Charisma of JFK, but they do have the Charm factor.

It’s also the ability to relate to people.  Whether it’s lawyer or the farmer plowing the land, each one feels as though Clinton and Obama understand his situation to some degree.  This is also part of “Charm.”

.

Barack Obama

.

Bill Clinton has a fantastic memory and is able to recall names and faces of countless individuals he has come across.  This is part of his charm.  He is able to make people feel important, and those who have come to meet him personally, usually report what a charming man he is. If he can’t remember their name, he remembers the encounter which still has a significant impact on people’s emotions.

Individual like Dale Carnegie have written extensively about having the ability to make people feel good. “How to win friends & influence people” is a fine piece of writing that has stood the test of time.   I’ve read quite large chunks of the book and think that it is a fantastic piece of prose on creating rapport and improving rapport skills.  Yet, there is one area which Dale Carengie and his contemporaries failed to address: Social Value.

This single element of human-interpersonal relations is the most neglected factor by social psychologists, and self-help advisors such as Mr. Dale Carnegie.   Sometimes, people read these books in order to be able to become more attractive in the dating world.  It rarely ever works in gaining attraction because the mechanisms for human attraction require a different set of criteria than criteria for establishing rapport.  This is why men repeatedly fail to attract women even after reading works of Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries in the self-improvement business.  (It may be why you’re reading this article at this very moment.)

YES, to be charming, you’ll be served well to dish out compliments.  YES, it’s important that those compliments be sincere.  YES, these actions will make people feel good.

All of that is true, IF YOU HAVE PROPER SOCIAL VALUE. This is the piece of the puzzle that Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries missed.  People don’t always care for a barrage of compliments from those who have less social value. They LOVE compliments from those who have higher, or at least, equal social value. You may not meet Bill Clinton or Mr. Obama, but then, you may find yourself at a house party with a charming host.  Let’s examine that.

What made this party-host charming?  He made you feel good, important and welcomed in his house, but he did so from a place of non-needniess. In other words, he was not seeking your approval.  This is key.

Approval seeking compliments backfire where as non-approval seeking compliments charm.

A sincere non-needy compliment that is not fishing or seeking your approval from someone of respectable social value will charm you.  It’ll make you feel good, and accepted.  It’s a natural human trait to want to be accepted.  It’s almost hardwired in us from 100s of thousands of tribal living. No one likes being the outcast from the tribe.

Let’s remind ourselves that this charm is different than charisma.  So let’s revisit the party host who made you feel good, warm, and fuzzy.

-Did he galvanize you (or anyone else for that matter) to take action?   No.
-Was he inspirational or passionate?  Not necessarily.
-Did he have a strong sense of purpose?  Not necessarily.

The above are prerequisites for “Charisma” as I discussed in the previous article.   This particular host was charming.

What he had going for him was the fact that he came from a cool place of confidence. He has a “Cool” demeanor about him, and had recognizable social value.  Having established that, his compliments came across not as a vehicle to seek your approval but rather, as a sincere act of chivalry and generosity.

It made you feel chummy and cozy.  Hey, maybe it made you curl your toes and giggle.  Regardless, you left the encounter thinking, “Wow, Charming Fella.” It’s no different if Bill Clinton shook your hand and thanked sincerely for making the event and even cracked a joke for you to share.  You may hate his politics but you’ll probably still walk away thinking he was charming.

Again, a sincere “Thank you” coming  from someone of high social value carries weight and it has some meaning.  That same “Thank you” from someone of low social value will be very easily dismissed.  Simply put: As human beings, we love to be rewarded with approval from those whom we PERCEIVE to be of high stature.

.

• Including you in the Fun

As I mentioned already, the ability to be charming is to INCLUDE and incorporate people in the fun.  You’re enrolling them into the club.  In other words, you’re giving them acceptance.   It’s natural for all human beings to want to be “Accepted.”  Whether it’s high school kids, or the repulsive hipster, they all want to be accepted, at the very least by their peer group.  The Hipster may snob his nose at upstanding members of society, but he still wants to be accepted by his peers and fellow “hipster douchebags.”

It’s part of our natural instinct as humans.  Again, we’re evolutionary wired to survive in groups and tribes working together and being accepted to our tribe is important.  Let’s not get lost in evolutionary psychology please.

.

• Being Comfortable with oneself

If you want to be charming, you have to learn how to give other people the feeling of acceptance.  However, before you do that, you have to establish yourself as someone whose acceptance carries meaning! In order to establish that, you first have to be comfortable with yourself.  You can’t make others feel comfortable if you are not comfortable with yourself.  A compliment, regardless of how sincere, from a nervous, fidgety, insecure person will carry little meaning in teams of being charming or endearing.

.

• Optimism

Another ingredient in being charming is optimism.  Being a positive & a happy guy/girl goes a long way in setting up the platform to become charming.  Hence, you have to find a happy medium with yourself first.  It’s difficult to be charming when you’re stressed out or “Bummed out.”

The appearance of not taking things too seriously goes along way in establishing this attitude of charm.  Remember incidents when you were a kid when you did something stupid and your parents or teachers admonished you.  It may have been a case where you knew you did something dumb but it was done and over with.  Nothing you can do, and yet you got scolded anyway.

Then you may have had that uncle (or a teacher perhaps) who just laughed it off and made it seem like it was no big deal.  Hey, maybe he even said something like, “Man, you should have seen the stupid shit I did when I was your age.  Learn and move on.”

He was the charming uncle or teacher.  He made you feel good by establishing an attitude of positivity and making you two feel like you were on the same team: Two individuals who made stupid mistakes at a very particular age.  He was optimistic and he related to your experience and immaturity of that age.

.

• Dating application:

You too can apply this exact same dynamic to your personal encounters.  Let’s say you’re at a party talking to a girl you like, (Or say you’re a girl talking to a man you like), and you hear the other person confess to a dumb recent mistake.

Some people will overly sympathetic, and will want to probe & ask a 100 questions about the details.  Others will want to provide solutions immediately.  You can be charming by taking the path of the charming uncle.  You can discuss the issue briefly and then quickly share something dumb that you did, but not to TOP the other person’s story. (Topping others’ stories is a very repulsive quality.)  You share your mistake QUICKLY, and then say something to the tune of, “Man, we all make dumb mistakes at some point, but hey, guess we wouldn’t be who we are without them…”

If that sounds too cheesy, change it to what sounds natural coming out of your mouth.  You don’t have to use what I wrote verbatim.  It’s just so that you get the idea.

Socialites are many times charming individuals.  In some parts of the world, the aristocratic folk are taught and raised to be charming.  They’ve learned to make people feel good by saying the right things.

Coincidentally, this is one dynamic where you may find the Charismatic leader diametrically opposed to the “Charming & smiling” individual.  The Charismatic leader has a cause and a purpose that drives him.  Nothing will sway him otherwise.  If general Patton says, “We’re going to take that Hill/castle/bunker” then you better believe everyone will fall in line.  He is not going to be understanding of those who may not agree. He is not going to charm you by making you think that your disagreement matters a whole lot.

—————————-

The Cocky Charmer

.

A good example of a super famous charming individual is Arnold Schwarzenegger.   I’d like to give you a broad spectrum of various charmers and Arnold is very different than Clinton or Obama.  You’ll notice this while watching Arnoold’s interviews.  A good example can be witnessed in the beginning of the 1975 documentary “Pumping Iron.”  We see Arnold go to a gym to start gearing up for a new competition.  You can see his charm right away, even in the way he tells the skinny guys working in the gym, “Hey, I am here to get big like you guys. Hahahah. ”

Yes, it’s very cocky and a little bit condescending, but on the same level, he is applying to what I talked about earlier:  He is getting everyone involved in the fun.  Despite his arrogance, he is making the skinny guys feel like they’re on board with the Arnold. He is (obviously) not complimenting  the Skinny dudes, but he is making them feel involved as though they’re part of the team.  This in, essence, is part of his charm.  A common misconception is that you have to be a sweet-understanding person and Arnold shatters that misconception.

The interesting thing is that if you live in Los Angeles, you’re going to inevitably hear a lot of anecdotal stories of personal encounters of everyday folk with celebrities.  We can all agree that one story from one individual does not present an accurate presentation of the person discussed.  However, you hear enough personal anecdotes from enough people and you’ll find consistency patterns a majority of the time.  I mention this because it directly applies to Arnold and his brand of charm.

The fascinating thing about Arnold is that he is NOT a charming individual with all people.  He turns it on and off.  If he believes that you have enough social-value to be important, he will be very charming, and if he deems you as a low-status person, he can be a complete unkind & cruel prick.  In some ways, you can make the case for him as the “Charming-asshole.”

He knows how to be charming and applies to get ahead in life, in order to get what he wants.  It’s a very intriguing character study.  He is definitely a hard worker and very driven, and he is a fascinating study of charm because he is charming despite being a supremely arrogant individual.

In another interview, I observed Arnold tell the interviewer, (Imagine his famous thick accent in your mind here)   “You know you could go work out all day long, everyday, you could lift weights, go hiking,  and no matter what, you’d never ever get sore…  You know why? Because bones don’t get sore. You’re so skinny.  Hahahahah”

OK, no one said he was a comedian!  These jokes are atrocious, but these terrible jokes are part of his charm, and despite being condescending, that interviewer will walk away thinking, “Man, he is a charming nice guy.”

It’s important to mention Arnold here for he proves that you don’t even have to be humble to be charming, nor do you even have to compliment people.  His charm is counter to the charm of someone like George Clooney.
.

Clooney

.

Clooney, as well as being charming, is also a charismatic as he has a cause that he will stand up & fight for.  Anecdotal stories about George Clooney are also consistent in Los Angeles: He is an extremely charming individual.  The difference is that Clooney’s charm is genuine.  Perhaps a better explanation would be:  Non-discriminatory.   He’ll be charming to an attractive woman, but he’ll also be charming to the disheveled guy working for minimum wage at a job he hates.   He’ll be just as friendly to a hotel clerk as he’ll be to a tycoon businessman.  For this reason, he is very well liked.

In direct stark contrast with Arnold, George Clooney uses a lot self-deprecating humor.  You’ll notice this works well for him because it enables people to be able to relate to him, and again, makes people feel as though he is just one of them.  It gives him a more human dimension.  I don’t think it’s contrived or planned out.  It’s his natural way of being just as Arnold is naturally arrogant.  Yet, they both can charm others.

Clooney’s charm stems from the fact that the disheveled bitter guy working for 6 dollars an hour will feel like the 3 minutes he spent with Clooney somehow made his life better.  This is the same experience that Obama would provide.    The same disheveled hapless individual would be probably be shunned by Arnold and treated like a peasant who shouldn’t have even looked him in the eye.  (Yes, I’ve come across both of these stories from various people in L.A.)

What’s the point of the Clooney vs. Schwarzenegger comparison?  It’s that you don’t even have to be genuine to be charming.  You can be charming when you choose to be when the moment is right for self-serving gains.  Is it cool? No.  Is it a fact of life? Yes. I suppose you could make a case that Arnold’s charm is also sincere towards the people he deems important.  If you can’t help him financially, politically or career wise, then he is very sincerely going to be very standoffish.   (PS.  I’ve never met either person, so all of this is based on numerous anecdotal stories of other people.)

However, let’s put that judgment aside.  Point of this article is to explore charm, and give you ideas on HOW YOU CAN BECOME MORE CHARMING IN YOUR INTERACTIONS.

You just have to make the feel like they’re part of the team, provided you have somewhat of a high-status yourself.  Again, no one wants to jump on board a sinking ship.

Whether it’s Presidents JFK, Clinton or Obama, or a movie-star like Clooney, or just a non-famous random individual, their charm arises from the fact they are able to make the people they come in contact with feel good.  They compliment people and give them acceptance.   On the other side, someone like Arnold is a bit condescending and arrogant, and still charms people.  One common element is that they are all people who are comfortable with themselves, positive, and enable to incorporate others in the fun.  In other words, they make other people feel like they’re on board the same team.

OK, I touched on a lot of different points in this article.  I’ll provide a summary so you can look into the specific elements of what behaviors a charming individual displays and what elements play an essential role  in creating a charming person.

RECAP.

.

Charming individuals ARE:

• Generally Happy
• Comfortable with themselves.
• Optimistic
• Establish an easy going demeanor
• Generally Higher Status
• Relate to people and their issues

Complimenting other people:

• Must be from non-approval seeking disposition.
• Must be sincere
• Must be not-needy.
• Coming from higher social value.
• Can’t be kissing their ass.

.

Differences in Charming people as opposed to Charismatic people:

• Don’t have to have a strong sense of purpose
• Not necessarily passionate,
• Not necessarily believing in any cause,
• In some case, Are willing to say the right thing even if they don’t believe it.
• Not necessary to be very passionate
• Not necessary to have extreme sense of purpose or charismatic leadership qualities.

.

Charming individuals make other people FEEL GOOD Through:

• Make people feel good through compliments
• Make people feel good through relating to their issues
• Make people Feel good by granting others the feeling of acceptance.
• Make people feel good by incorporating them into the team
• Make people feel good by including them in the fun, as part of the In-crowd
• Make people feel good by making them think that they are important

.

Of course, in order to accomplish the above, you must have the necessary elements taken care of: Carrying yourself as a high-status person would, and being comfortable with yourself armed with a bit of social intelligence.  If you don’t have those basics, you’ll probably never be considered charming.  If you think you need help on the basic, a good place to start is my ebook or audio course.

When you have the basics down, you can utilize the above elements to create a more charming persona if that’s what you wish to do.

Cameron

PS.  The articles you just read will have profoundly improve your dating life!  Please realize it’s supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work.  Get a copy of my 16 CD  Audio Course here:  Building Attraction with Women