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A number of blog readers have written asking for more articles regarding girls who are suitable for relationships.  Questions regarding, “How to get a girlfriend,” and “Where to meet girls who are girlfriend-types” and knowing how to vibe with them.

In the past, I’ve written extensively on certain female archetypes.  You may have read my article on “Female Archetypes – Alpha Females” and “Female Archetypes – Party Chicks.”   I’ve probably written the most on “Party chicks” which is the archetype that is toughest to grasp for the average blog readers which consists of intellectual dudes.  They’re also the ones most often encountered in bars, pub, and nightclubs.

This article is going to take a turn in the opposite direction as it pertains more towards nurturing/giving type of women. So let’s get to it.

>>>How do you distinguish if you’ve met this type?

This will come with a bit of experience. As you interact with a lot of women, you’ll see common behavioral patterns and common values exhibited by similar types.  The nurturing/emotionally giving type usually exhibits a happier disposition.

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• Genuine Happiness:

You’ll normally observe that they’re genuinely happier people and they portray that glee.  They’re apt to react more emotionally to situations than other female archetypes.  Often times, you may observe that they seem to have some sort of a creative and artistic outlet.  They might not be musicians but they may play a guitar, or write, or recite poetry.

Being more emotional people, they have that need for a creative outlet and you’ll note that in your interactions.  Again, be aware that just because a woman plays a guitar, it does not mean she is this particular type.  It’s more a combination of behavioral patterns that are common to this type.

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• Family Ties:

Family relationships.  Another common trend is that they have very close family ties.  They’re close to their parents, aunts, uncles, and such.  For instance, it’s not uncommon to look through their facebook profiles and notice them proudly displaying photos of themselves with nieces and/or nephews.

During you conversations, you’ll hear common trends,

“I was just talking to my aunt last weekend, she is so awesome, anyway she was telling me that……….”

Again, whether their nurturing personality is a predisposition or cause of a close family upbringing remains to be examined.  I certainly believe it does make a difference.  Human beings who feel they’ve been loved are far more likely to return that love to others.  ( My observations.)

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• Social Conscientiousness :

This archetype tends to exhibit a conscientious pattern regarding social issues.  You’ll also come to realize this in your interactions.  Whether it’s social, political, or environmental, they’ll show concern for their surrounding world.

I’ll give you an example.  A few months ago, I was walking out of a supermarket where a girl approached me to ask if I wanted to donate money to her organization.  I came to find out she was representing “Amnesty International” and was very passionate in discussing human rights violations in various parts of the world.  She even talked me into giving her a $20 donation for the cause.  (No, it wasn’t because I was  hitting on her, for the smart-asses out there.)

Now, you have to realize the sort of dedication it takes to stand outside a supermarket and solicit money for a cause.  You’re essentially cold-approaching strangers for hours a day for very little pay. It takes a certain animal to do that…. You have to be really motivated and passionate about the cause that you believe in to volunteer or work for low pay to solicit strangers for money for your organization.

Chances are you may have come across people like this at some point.  Whether it was in high school, college or a cocktail party, you have interacted with such persons in your life.  Think about the tendencies of that individual.

Are these the perfect people?  No, not at all.  While this type of woman makes for a good girlfriend, sometimes you may run into a few bumps in the road.  For example, you may find that they react more emotionally to things that are not “That big of a deal” to you.  They may want you to care about their social/political concerns and sometimes they may sport a bit of a “Hippy” vibe in  that they don’t get dolled up and dress to impress.

OK, I’m not insinuating that they’re slobs but just that they may not be decked out in the latest fashion as they make a run to the grocery store to purchase a few items.  It’s important to understand both sides.

So now, let’s assume you were dating such a girl.  What’s the difference between this type and a less nurturing type?

Well, let’s also assume you just got the flu.  Upon hearing that info, some types will say, “Sorry to hear that!  I hope you feel better! I’ll talk to you then.”  Other types will offer to come over and bring Chicken Soup.  The nurturing/giving type is the latter.

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• Where to meet such girls:

It’s probably tougher to meet this type that say, party girls.  The nurturing/giving types are not bar-flys.  They’re not ones to frequent nightclubs constantly, and when they do, they’re going to be more guarded and defensive in that particular environment (and for good reason.)

Your best bet is to find them at activities that they’d have a vested interest in as well.  This will inevitably vary based on the culture, country and even the size of the town you live in.  Naturally, Some place are going to offer more in the way of activities than others.

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• Attracting this type:

Always remember that the fundamentals I explain in detail in my Ebook, Building Attraction Secrets, will apply. Being interesting, conveying your personality through stories, proper body language, leading, tonality, and having fun will always apply regardless of which archetype you meet.

As an example, let’s take the girl standing outside the supermarket asking for donations to the “Amnesty International” organizations.  In fact, let’s take it to an absurd level.  Let’s assume she was raising funds for “Save The Hamster Foundation.”   You walk by and notice this and think to yourself, “Wow, I thought I was the only one!  I LOVE to save hamsters too!”

You may believe in her cause wholeheartedly and be completely excited that you’ve met someone who is a like-minded individual.  You still have to be aware of conversational dynamics.  This means you can’t spend 15 minutes just talking about this one particular topic and think that now you are a lock to go on a spectacular date.

This is the mistake most men make: they’ll spend 20 minutes discussing how to save hamsters but outside of that one commonality, they don’t establish any connection or personal  information.

Having read my ebook, Building Attraction Secrets,  you know that you’d be best served to share a couple of humorous anecdotes about yourself, find out more about her, have a little fun, and have her invest some information regarding herself besides discussing the organization she is volunteering for.

You also would be aware of a multitude of key dynamics that are by now second nature to you, such as:

• Flirting properly,
• Leading the interaction (In all 3 ways)
• Creating Sexual tension & teasing

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The goal of this article is to provide with a glimpse one particular archetype of girls you will inevitably come across in life.  Depending on YOUR personality, this type may or may not be for you.

For example, if you were the stereotypical dumb jock athlete from a teen movie, you probably will not connect with this type.  I am not saying it’s impossible, but it’s just unlikely that these personalities will hit it off.

You’d also know that this is a more sensitive type of person, so you had best be prepared to deal with sentimental type issues.  If she gives you a Christmas card, and you throw it away a few weeks after Christmas, there are going to be hurt feelings involved.

To you, it was a simple card, and once Christmas was over, there was no point in keeping it.  To her, it represented emotional investment and sentimental value and she won’t understand or grasp how you could discard it 3 weeks later.  These are the type of potential  issues you may run into while dating this type.   They’re not deal-breakers, but rather, just things to be aware of.

Other caveats:  If you’re not a family person, it’s not going to be a good fit in the long run.  If you’re the type that doesn’t like to play with kids, or doesn’t want to go to a big family Thanksgiving dinner, it’s going to cause issues.

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Recap of Nurturing Women Archetypes

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So let’s do a recap of what I just went over:

• Emotionally giving/ Nurturer Archetype
• Very Likely Artistic in nature
• Usually have some sort of artistic/creative outlet (music, drawing, etc…)
• More sensitive than your average woman
• Come across as genuinely happy persons often
• Usually exhibit a warm pleasant demeanor when meeting them,
• They’re close to family
• In routine conversations, They’ll often bring up family, Aunts/Uncles,  nieces/nephews, etc.
• Don’t respond well to over-the-top cocky macho approaches by men. (It doesn’t mean they don’t like masculine men.)
• When approaching this type, be masculine, just the cut the machismo and bravado down a bit.
• Often can be overly sensitive in dating/relationship situations. (Reference Christmas card story above)
• This over sensitivity could result in some drama in the relationship at time
• Usually socially/politically Conscientiousness on some level.
• If you asked them their dreams, there is always something in there to want to improve the world (even if it is saving hamsters….)
• Making a difference is important to them.
• More difficult to find in loud nightclubs/bars.  They don’t frequent such places often.
• Usually have a good circle of friends around them, (in my experience.)
• Low drama factor usually (Barring the over sensitivity)
• More sentimental

In conclusion, I’d like to (as I’ve often done) emphasize the key point of practicality.  Memorizing a bunch of information is not going to be making the best use of your resources.  Instead, you’ll be better off learning a few things you can actually apply in your interactions.  For example, you’re at a casual social gathering and you meet a warm and receptive girl who within the first 15 minutes of conversation mentions family, a creative outlet and some sort of a social/political cause she cares about.  You also notice that she seems to have good friends whom she’s known for quite a few years.

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Having read my article, you know that chances are pretty good she fits the mold of the archetype I just described.  Having read my ebook, you also have a decent basic understanding of how to present your best self to attract her.  You also know that if you don’t click well with overly emotional people, you’ll have issues later on.  On that same note, you also know that if you’re at a point where you’re looking to get a girlfriend or a long-term mate, this particular person may be a pretty good candidate.

I provide the information.  You apply it.  It’ll get you results.

Cameron

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One of the issues I enjoy discussing, one which sets this blog apart from its rivals, is the transition between the internal and the external.  I’ve dubbed it the Innergame-Outergame bridge.   It’s understanding how you feel about yourself internally exudes and manifests itself externally

This is key to recognizing how you come across right now and how you may come across with more confidence.

When you interact with women in general, most of them will be able to quickly decipher how confident you are with women.  Most guys are oblivious of this because most men get caught in macho bravado of “big talk.”  Everyone can talk a big game but then, and it’s easy to get lost in stories of people, but then there is a time for action.

It’s no different than sports.  You’ve met guys in your life who will brag how good they are at playing basketball, or that they have a black belt in some form of karate.  Well, put them on a basketball court or on the mat, and it’s a different story.

So let’s take a casual and nonthreatening environment such as a house party.  It’s a good mix crowd of people and has a decent number of attractive women as well.

You’re socializing with various folk, and you’re talking to  various girls.  How will they know? How do they distinguish if you’re confident or not?

• One of the biggest factors in determining confidence is your level of comfort.

They discern confidence usually from comfort.  So here are some indicators of comfort that are constantly signaling your level of confidence at every given moment.

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• Body language:

OK, I spend an entire article on this one alone. Do you stand up tall, move with ease? Or are nervous, fidgety, twitching, shifting back and forth while slouched?  In my ebook, there is a partial chapter dedicated to this along with photographs. You may want to get a copy of it.

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• Eye contact:

while engaged in conversation, are you able to engage in eye contact in a relaxed manner? Not looking away, nor staring with that dear in the headlights gaze.

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• Proximity-

This is huge, and now that I’ve mentioned it, you’ll start perhaps noticing it too.  Take a look around at the next party.  Guys who are comfortable with women have no issues with an attractive girl (or any girl) standing close to them.

Scenario: You’re in the kitchen chatting, and you observe two people,  a guy and a girl.  Notice as that she gets closer, he becomes more uncomfortable.  Suddenly their shoulders  are 10 inches apart (25 centimeters) and his behavior changes.  He may back up, he may become herky-jerky, more excited, but it will change somehow.  You will pick up the vibe that he is becoming less uncomfortable as she is inching closer.

The confident dude who is comfortable will maintain same relax posture he had if she were across the room.  Women can sense this.

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• Smile:

Smiling in a friendly casual manner is also an indicator.  It need not be an ear to ear grin with all of your veneers out on display.  It could even be a smirk.  Smiling is an important element. In and of itself, it may not be a clear factor but combined with the various elements I’ve described thus far, it can definitely sway the vote.

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• Touch:

Another huge giveaway.   Guys who are not comfortable with women are not comfortable with touching them.  (not talking about groping or ass grabbing here).  It can be hand on hand, hand on her back, or something simple as a putting your hand on her triceps muscles.

Ever watch those old Michael Jackson videos?  Yes, they’re fantastic music videos, and at the same time, the biggest tell-tale signs that a grown man who is perhaps the most famous man in the planet, is supremely uncomfortable with the touch of a woman.  Granted, he was an extreme case, and he couldn’t fake it in his own videos, but that’s fodder for another article.

Needless to say, being comfortable with casual touching can determine how experienced & confident a guy is with girls.

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• Voice tone:

Not often mentioned, but it’s also huge. For our purposes, we’ll put this in 3 categories:

1. Uncomfortable,
2. Casual,
3. Flirtatious.

 Uncomfortable can vary from nervous/shaky to mild discomfort.   Casual is the same tone you’d have with pals, and coworkers.  You’d have this tone in work situations or professional environments.  Flirtatious is taking the next step up.  It’s more playful, teasing, and it changes as the context of the environment changes.

Some people (and those who teach dating advic) are under the misconception that you must speak with a deep Dracula trance-inducing deep voice at all times.  These are usually creepy nlp guys who have no friends.

 Voice tone changes as does the relationship.  Let’s go to the same house party that we started with and revisit the guy and girl in the kitchen.  In the beginning voice tone is more teasing, playful, and for lack of a better word (cute), where as later on during a quite conversation by the fireplace, it’s deeper, richer and more soothing.

 Let’s say you’re a guy who is naturally good at attracting women, and for some inexplicable reason you ended up on my blog reading this article. You may think that this is really breaking down the obvious, or perhaps it’s really over-analyzing it.  Rest assured, these are things you already DO naturally.  Think about it and you’ll notice your  own patterns.

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What Confident Behavior Looks Like

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For lack of a better word, we can call the above list “Symptoms” of Confidence.  They’re basically like radar-signatures that we are all transmitting at any given time.

This seems like a whole lot to remember, but if you’re trying to remember all of this s hit, you’re not doing yourself a favor. I only mention these so that you are MILDLY  aware of them.  Then let it go.  These things happen naturally.  My aim is to just introduce some of these variances to you if you are someone who struggles a bit in the dating arena.

A guy who is good at engaging women will  create fun banter while another guy will discuss some topic (like the occupation they both happen to share) and discuss it endlessly until there is nothing to be said.  I’ve witnessed this more times than I care to remember.

I’ve seen it at gatherings where an acquaintance who likes a girl is talking to her about some common interest (let’s say it’s about fitness, and all I hear is “yea, I do this and that.  You run? Cool, what kind of running?  I started doing this run and then I went to that…”

There is nothing wrong with a little bit of this, but over a 10 minute span, that is ALL they’ve talked about, and I know that my buddy likes this girl, and I am going crazy in mind wanting to scream at him “Get off this fucking topic!”

Here is the miscue: He is thinking, “oh, cool, I’m exploring a common interest.”
She is thinking: OK, random conversation about running and fitness. Seems cool.

Yet there is no playful banter, no real idea of learning something personal about the other person, or any sort of connection being established. 

Anyhow, that was a complete tangent on the conversational topics.  It’s not the primary focus of this article.  IF you’re interested in conversational skills/topics, get a copy of my ebook, Building Attraction Secrets. (yes, it really is THAT good! I wrote it, I should know)

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• Back to signs of comfort:

Body language, proximity, voice tone, and touch (or reaction to touch), and a smile determine how comfortable a guy around a woman.  This comfort communicates subconsciously how confident he is with women.

So two questions:

1. Do you have to a confident/suave type?
2. How can you use this information?

I’ll answer the two above questions to clear any misconceptions.

1.  Do you have to be a suave/player type?

No!  Most guys are not, and they’re able to get dates/girlfriends and such.  It’s not necessary to be mr. super smooth and every once in a great while, it may be even work against you.  Sometimes a girl who is looking for a boyfriend will write you off when you’re super-smooth because in the back of her mind, she’ll reason: “Man, that guy is too smooth. Player, looking for a piece of ass.”  (and most of the time, she is right on that one.)

How can you use this information?  Well, you can use it as a yard-stick  or a barometer to gauge and ascertain where you need to make improvements on.

Almost exactly, two years ago, I wrote an article about pushing your comfort zone versus being comfortable which I still get emails about to this day. You can read that here:

Pushing Your Comfort Zone VS. Being Comfortable.  What to do!

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Determine your major sticking points and work on them.  As you work to gain more confidence internally, you can have a few goals externally.  Keep them extremely simple: For example, if you’re nervous in touching women, you can make that a priority for yourself.  What if a woman you just met puts her hands on you?  Are you comfortable with that?  Are you comfortable putting your hand on her shoulder for about  two seconds?

Having read this article, you now are more aware of some of your sticking points which serve as areas of improvement.  I’ll reitterate: the point of this article is not to have a check list to remember the next time you’re at a party.  Pick where you want to push your comfort zone.

If from a level of 1 to 10 (and 10 being the most comfortable), you’re at level 3 in touching women, then work on being on level 4.  When comfy with that, push to level 5 and so forth.

This ensures long term success which comes gradually and progressively as opposed to overnight gimmicks you’re being sold everyday.

Cameron

PS. Remember these articles are meant to be used as a resource with my Ebook:  Building Attraction Secrets.

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This is the toughest thing for some guys to do sometimes, and to make matters worse, trying to beat around the bush only compounds the issue.

Typical scenario: Guy reads dating advice online.  He wants to be a player or discreet, or whatever. He starts trying all sorts of clever techniques to ask a girl out. The problem essentially is that a lot of guys want to use player lines and styles while they lack any sort of congruency with that vibe.

Sometimes, the basics work the best.  I mean something cliché that you see in the movies.  So what’s the obstruction?

Well, everyone wants to be a player. Maybe not every single dude, but a lot of the guys who seek dating advice seek so under the guise of becoming the proverbial Lothario, a Don-Juan, a ladies man, or the modern day Cassanova.  Now days, they call it being a “Player.”  (I’ll get back to the reason why this is later.)

Sometimes, becoming normal is the most important thing.  Then take it up a notch from there.  Hence, some of the advice seekers would be so far better off asking a girl on a date.

Can I take you out sometime?  (or would you like to go dinner with me)

[PS. And as you know,  I don't even endorse dinner dates, but you get the idea.]

Man, they’re so cliché, passé , old-school, they’re so…….. 1950s, like Richie Cunningham from “Happy Days.”

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Richie Cunningham

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Right?  Yep, it may be all of that, and it’d probably work better than what a lot of guys seeking dating advice are using right now. Guys find refuge on the Internet to seek advice regarding Dating, but often times, ending up stepping backwards.  They try devising clever schemes and roundabout unconventional means to try and ask a girl out.

They’ll talk about getting a number close, or a “Bridge” or whatever  vernacular is the current popular flavor of the day.  Surely, the terminology will change, but the concept is the same:  They’ll ask a girl out in nonchalant ways  such as, “We should continue this conversation later.  How do we go about doing that?”

This is to entice her, or perhaps drop the subtle hint that she should offer the phone number herself.  Some guys don’t even do that. They send an invitation to some obscure event without trying to imply the context that it’s a date.  Most of the time, it doesn’t work very we for those particular dudes.  Most such guys would be just better off trying the “Old-School” way most often.

But wait, I can almost hear the yelling and screaming through my monitor now:

“But that’s what losers do, pundits and hardliners scream and shout. What?  Ask a girl out? Go on a traditional date! Ha! That’s what chumps do.”

Well, Perhaps, but then I’d give a thumbs up to the chump who is out with a girl he likes on a traditional date, than a guy alone by himself under the illusion that he somehow is better than that chump.

I have a buddy (not in anyway involved with dating advice) who dates often.  His personal favorite thing to do is ask girls out on a dinner date.  Personally I highly advise against “Dinner Dates” and if you’ve read my Ebook, you are already aware.  That discussion is for another day.  Girls who are interested follow through, and no, it’s not because they want a free dinner (for the smart asses reading this right now.)   It should be said that my buddy is not rich or über -good looking.  However, he does dress well, and comes across as having his shit together.

So, why am I advocating the old-school method for some men?

For a variety of reasons:

A.  It makes sense in the girl’s perception of reality.  This is a very concept that deserves its own article.  However, for the time being, it’s important to understand that  she has a certain understanding of how things work in the dating realm.

There are years of conditioning that have lead to where she is now. Let’s observe:

Social Conditioning

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There were the middle school dances that started when she was 12 or 13 years old.
There were high school events.
There was homecoming.
Of course, there was THE PROM!

A guy asked a girl out and they went to the prom together, and then it just built on from there.  Not to mention countless movies that are built around this dynamic.  How many teenage romantic comedies can you name just now that are built around a girl or hapless guy trying to score that big prom date for that ever so significant high school event?

Being asked out on a date in socially conditioned and ingrained in our psyches, at least, with most of us in the Western part of the world.  (I am not aware how this works within a tribal society in the Serengeti plains of Africa.  Forgive my limitations here.)

And by the way,  if you’re a cool suave motherfucker like Mickey Rourke, go ahead and break all conventional rules.  Be the cool charming guy from nine and a half weeks.  Take her on a whirlwind ride and be the romance hero from a romance novel.  Wait, if you were that, you wouldn’t be online seeking dating advice.  (Between you and me, let’s be honest here.)

So you’re not a Mickey Rourke.  You want to be Mickey Rourke, but in order to become that guy, you need to have more girls.  In order to get girls, you have to start somewhere. So maybe you start the traditional way.

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Everybody wants to be the Fonz

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With more dates, you get more experience. With more experience, you gain more comfort with women, and your confidence grows.  When your confidence peaks, well, maybe you will be one cool suave mofo.    See, it all makes sense. (And that’s why this is the best blog of its kind on the Internet, but I digress.)

One thing we can surely on agree on is that meeting in secret lairs in subterranean dwellings with other unidentified organisms is not the way to go. So then, back to something conventional: IT makes sense to her

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B.  There is no misunderstanding of context.

Going on a date automatically implies a romantic context.  There is no misunderstanding, nothing lost in translation.  After that evening, either you’ll want to see each other again, or you won’t.  There is no misunderstanding of WHY you two are spending time together.  Often times, guys wonder if she knows what his intentions are.  Chances are pretty good that shoe does. However, asking her out on a “Date” per se puts some sort of a stamp on it.  It’s better than asking for an email address or a facebook.

Sometimes nothing screams “What A Big Pussy” louder than asking a girl for her Facebook contact info.

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C.  It saves time.  Some guys are actually busy as they have careers and a life.

I’ve come across guys who have their own careers, work, and so forth.  I’ve come across all types.  I’ve met guys who were married and now are divorced finding themselves back on the single scene.  Maybe YOU can relate to this?  They get online, receive some decent advice, but then they also find themselves dressing up in outlandish gear trying to make conversation with 23 year old Attention-Deficit Disorder suffering idiots in a night club full of sharks.

This is probably not the best use of your time, strengths, or resources. It’s best to play to your strengths.

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Is “Asking A Girl On A Date” an end-all, be-all, solution?  Not at all.  If you lack skills to make playful banter conversation, or lack skills to flirt and have fun with girls, you’re still going to have to develop those skills.  For certain men, it’ll be a terrible idea.  If you’re too nervous to even chat with a girl, you may be better off making some casual progress first before you start going the traditional route.  There are obviously various styles of dates and methods of asking someone out, and perhaps, I’ll do an article on that some other time.

For the moment, however, undoubtedly there are men who will come across this blog article and they’ll  identify themselves as guys similar to my aforementioned buddy.  Well put together, (groomed, clean, well dressed, and looking like you take care of yourself), these particular guys will benefit MORE from just asking a girl to go on a date than trying to use clever secret roundabout techniques to get a girl out. Asking a girl out will be far more efficient and effective than asking for “Facebook” or inviting her to some random party that you may be attending, and so forth.

But then, what if you want to be a player and come across as smooth?   That’s fine.  That’ll come with experience.  You just have to ask yourself one question:

-          Are you looking to come across as a “Player” because this means you have more women around you, OR, are you just interested in appearing “Cool” in front of your buddies, coworkers, and other people in general?

That, you have to answer for yourself.  While you contemplate that, remember sometimes the answer lies in simplicity.    Sometimes that simplicity is,

“Would you join me for a drink sometime!”

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Get a copy of Building Attraction Ebook now.

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Continuing with the series on Toxic personality traits, I am going to reveal one of the most toxic traits you could ever run into out in the world: The solely externally validated stimulus junkie. This particular personality trait is one of the most toxic of all.  The complainer may annoy the hell out of you with his bullshit complaints, but at least he may mean well.

As usual, I’ll provide the reasoning and the backround and then provide concrete real life examples of how these individuals operate.  Once you understand the modus operandi of such people, you shall easily recognize their behavioral patterns.

How you choose to deal with such persons then, obviously, is entirely up to you.

What exactly do I mean by a solely externally validated individual? Externally-validated stimulus junkies suffer from a need for constantly searching for some sort of validation and stimulus from the outside world.  Now, it’s  not uncommon for human beings to seek approval of a person or persons.  It may be the approval of a parent, friend, mentor, or sports coach, most of us have all tried to impress someone.  That’s just part of growing up, I believe.

The externally-validated stimulus junkie takes it to unprecedented levels.  Their need to receive constant approval as well as stimulus will destroy your relationship and drive you insane.

But then, doesn’t everyone to some extent want to be liked?

Yes, of course.  It’s a natural tendency for human beings to want to be liked.  Sometimes, upon receiving the impression no one will like him/her, a person will turn to a polar opposite direction and become mean spirited to everyone.   It’s somewhat reminiscent of the George Foreman story.  One of the greatest boxers of all time, he became a super nice guy later on in life, and even put his name on a grill that’s made him close to a 100 Million Dollars.  (Yes, that grill has been that profitable for him!)

By his own admission, he was a mean-spirited thug who was abusive in his youth.  In short, he was an a**hole.  He figured no one liked him, and he wasn’t going to like anyone either. He was going to be a mean spirited rude bastard and who was going to challenge him?  He was after all George Foreman, one of the greatest heavy weight boxers of all time.

It’s not all that different of a story with various factions of people such as goths, punks and the like.

Their external appearance is designed to somewhat garner attention from the rest of the world, but before they ever put that hideous outfit on, they decided the world didn’t like them either.  While this dynamic could warrant its own article, today’s article isn’t about that.  (But that’s another toxic personality trait for another day: “I hate the world” type of individual.)

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• Let’s get back to the topic at hand: Sole External validation and stimulus junkies.

Ok, we figured out most of us want to be liked, or at least respected, by some people. Whether it’s our friends, peers,  bosses, or subordinates, we do desire a level of mutual respect.  Even a rogue and generally disliked individual like basketball player Kobe Bryant still desires the respect of his peers in the field.

Here is the key point:  That desire must be counter-balanced with an internal source of validation and comfort. The external must be balanced with the internal strength.  It’s through this balance that a level playing field can be established.

Henceforth, the type of individuals I am discussing in this article are almost completely driven by outside stimulation.  They have a constant need  for approval or attention of others.  This never stops. There is a constant search as to from where that new external validation will come.  An insatiable appetite for external attention from others consumes them, and they’re on a quest for that stimulus.

These are the type of people who will flake on you in a heartbeat regardless of the situation.

In the night scene, that outside stimulus could include  parties, loud music, various concoctions of drugs and alcohol, the “seen and be seen” type of spots, and  various forms of lewd behavior designed to just garner attention to fill an abyss that cannot be filled.

If you care to read about this particular scene, I wrote an article on “Party chicks” which you can find here for reference.   Definitive Post on Party Chicks part 2

In this article, I am going to take it way beyond that.  This is not a “How to get laid” article as you probably have figured out by now. There are other blogs for that.   It’s geared towards avoiding negative relationships, and fostering positive ones with quality individuals.

Negative relationships, be it in friendships, romance, or business will suck your emotional and mental energy (and sometimes financial too), and detract from your quality of life.  This type of trait is not, however, limited to clubs and bars and other such environments.   You don’t have to a drunken lush flashing her tits while dancing on table tops to put two and two together. There are clues everywhere around you.

People’s behaviors reveal their inner beliefs and their core values.

Take Facebook as an example.   It’s the most popular social networking site at the moment so for 2010, it’ll serve as a good example.  The social networking sites and trends may change through out the years and decades, but human behavior will remain consistent throughout centuries.

Leaf through someone’s facebook account and it’ll tell you so much about their persona.  OK, so you met a girl at a party and you only chatted for a short bit.    You become facebook friends and you check out their profile.  You may even be excited about this new person you just met, but a ten minute chat hasn’t given you enough insight into their personality.  . (If you’re a girl, you can apply some of these to a dude’s facebook as well.)

You met that person on his/her best behavior when you first met.

So here is a simple guideline of observations regarding someone’s persona that just jumps out at you with very little effort:

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Facebook Status Updates:

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You see someone inundate their facebook account with random weird updates, and that already tells you everything you need to know.  We’ve all seen these in some form.   I’ll translate the actual real social meaning in parenthesis below.

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“Just had lunch with xyz. so fabulous…”

(Ahh, it was an OK lunch, but trying to sound ridiculously positive is the in-trend, plus I can maintain my usual levels of pretentiousness.)

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“Love you girlie. you guys are so awesome.”

(Pay attention to me BITCH!!)

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“I have the greatest friends.  You guys are so great“

(I wish I had friends instead of the fellow self-absorbed douchebags I hang out with)

(PS. When the above is posted repeatedly while you have 500 friends on facebook, this just makes you a bit of attention seeking loser who really doesn’t have a single solid friend.)

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“Hey, girlie, we have to get out soon!  I miss you guys so much!”

(Pay attention to me BITCH!!)

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“Going to club xyz to see DJ funkyzeit spin.”

(I’m a moron.)

{free tip to all: Anyone who ever discusses going to a nightclub with the motivation to see a particular DJ spin suffers from low IQ.  Seriously, I’ve never ever met a girl who was respectably intelligent utter or write those words in the above quote.  Nope, not even once!}

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“Oh, a *Delic* lunch with …..”

(Yes, I am that pretentions. I say delic, not delicious)

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“You bitches looook so fine in that photo!”

(Pay attention to ME now Bitches!!!)

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“Oh, this Diva doesn’t do that.”

(I’m a C*nt. any questions?)

Yes, I resorted to the dreaded “C” Word.  But it’s only because I once read in a scientific journal (JAMA?)   that diva is a synonym for c*nt!  And hey,  that was good enough for me.   Plus the person actually referring to herself as “This Diva” has certainly solidified c*nt-status beyond reasonable doubt.

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Here is the key:

The above “Status Updates”  are not mentioned in the spirit of sharing info with friends. They’re done so just to garner attention until their next update or tweet 30 minutes later.

1. That’s different than posts that are in the spirit of sharing or venting for that matter (stuck in traffic, etc).
2. They’re also different than posts meant to entertain or inform.

I have acquaintances that post often about particular topics they’re passionate about.  One such guy who is a proud atheist will often post updates on religious matters and another pal of mine will post links or comments to articles regarding political/economical matters. He posts links to articles regarding the war in Afghanistan or the economic crisis or faulty politicians.

These latter people are crusaders of sort, a completely different breed of person.  The crusader has a cause he deeply believes, just as he believes he is making a positive difference in the world with his updates.

I can respect a crusader.  Personally speaking, most of the time, I get along rather well with this type.  (Heck, you could make a case that I sort of am one.)

Setting my personal preferences aside, I’d bring attention the to majority of the updates, and the intention behind them.

What’s the intention behind these updates?

-Are they in the spirit of sharing, caring, entertaining, or perhaps even venting?

-Or is it , “hey, look at me, hey look at me.”

If it’s the latter, the person is not worth dating.  If you were looking to seriously get involved with someone

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• What about Photos?

The biggest giveaway is a collection of photos.  Photos do speak a 1000 words if I may resort to the cliché.

Incessant photos that are self-shots, or group shots where one person is completely trying to do outdo his/her friends for attention tell you a lot about the individual as well.

Once you are aware of these dynamics, you’ll come to notice them quickly.  You’ll see a photo and think, “Cool!  Just a bunch of friends goofing around, having fun, genuinely seem to like each others’ company.”  Then, you’ll see another photo and you’ll note each individual trying to subtly  (or blatantly sometimes) outdo each other.

So you spent 15 minutes of your time on Facebook and noticed a combination of the above self-absorbed status updates along with the [attention garnering] photos I described.  You already know you’re most likely dealing with someone who has toxic personality traits.

You’re swimming in shark infested waters.  Proceed accordingly, or maybe even find a different swimming spot.  Maybe one alongside dolphins who want to jump around you to entertain and play.  (OK, the dolphin thing was really cheesy, I’ll readily admit.  It gives it that feel-good Disney channel touch.)

The exclusively-externally validated stimulus junkies are the ones who will constantly flake on you, and they’re the type who will try to upgrade on you.

If you ever get the feeling in your gut that someone is constantly hesitant to make commitments or plans because he/she is just waiting to see if something better may come along, you’re dating the type of person I’ve just described here.

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In essence, the exclusively-externally validated individuals are like giant eggs.  They have a seemingly hard surface, but underneath it, they’re composed of mush and puss.

This is the polar opposite of a rock.  You could take a hammer and chisel away a piece from a giant rock and what do you find?  Just more solid rock underneath.  I suppose that’s why the expression is there: “Man, That guy is like a rock!”

Our relationships in life often directly affect the quality of our everyday life.   Being able to lean against a rock provides a more solid foundation than leaning over a giant hollow egg comprised of mushy goo.  If you want to attract Rock-Solid individuals, you should also take steps to become such a person yourself!  (Unfortunately, improving your own self-esteem is often overlooked in advice dating gurus give you!)

As always, to give it fair balance, remember that these toxic traits are HUMAN traits.  They apply equally to men as well as women.  Sometimes, I receive emails where an avid reader of my blog points out how some “Dating Guru” discussed the contents of one of my articles.  I then discover that they bastardized the article to make it seem like it’s something devious only women do.

Men and women both share personality traits, positive and negative.  In the next article, I’ll provide some examples of this, and environments where such individuals gather, and sometimes by people who are actually my acquaintances!!

Stay tuned…….

Cameron

PS. As always, the articles are meant to expand your knowledge provided you have the basic foundations in place.  To build that rock-solid foundation, you owe it to yourself to read my Ebook: Building Attraction Secrets

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“I got her facebook info!”

My friend says to me after an interaction.

- How about a phone number? (I ask)

Nah. just facebook for now.

Why did he do that?  Chances are you’ve done it too.  Why?  Why did you ask for her facebook?  Be honest now.   You wanted to get together with her.  For better or worse, a date is the idea  you had in mind.

“Facebooking A girl”  for the purposes of dating her is a really piss poor strategy.  By the way, let’s not kid ourselves: You’re not facebooking a girl you met at random “to keep in touch.” That’s the equivalent of buying a porno magazine to read the articles back in the day.  (As a side note: Does anyone buy porno mags anymore?)   Anyhow, you’re doing the Facebook thing to get a date out of it.

Well, if that’s your goal, then step up the plate.  I know Baseball analogies don’t make sense to the vast International audience.  So, point being, be a man!  Show some balls.  Get the number.

If you don’t think you have enough of a solid interaction to get the number, then you don’t have much.  So you got the facebook, and now you want to date her.

How are you going to do that now? At this point, you’ll have to exchange emails on facebook, get her on the phone, then ask her to meet you out and about somewhere. Chances are getting her to come meet you on a date without ever having a conversation are going to be a lot more slim

In essence, you’re working backwards. By asking for her facebook, you went a step backwards, you still have to get back to square one and get the number.

The question is why do guys do this? Before you become defensive, you should know that most guys have done this.  Yes, I’ve done it too.

Truth of the matter is that sometimes you don’t feel like there is enough there in the interaction to warrant asking for a number.  You can tell when things are going well, and when things are just lukewarm.   In such times, it’s easy to ask for facebook, but feels tough to ask for a number.

Then again, for some guys, it’s always tough to ask for a number.

So facebook becomes the wussy way out.  It feels like a victory of sorts, because you got something.  but as I said, you haven’t got jack shit, especially if you log on to see that she has 359 friend.

If you actually know what you’re doing and didn’t ask fro the number, it’s because you felt that you didn’t have enough rapport or a fluid-vibe in the short interaction to ask for the number.

In that case, you still don’t have much.  That interaction is still too raw and hasn’t matured enough to enable you to move forward properly.  So you ask for the facebook hoping that something more could happen in the future.

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Keep this in perspective: What I am discussing here is asking for a facebook only because you wussed out from asking for a number.   This is not to be confused with a scenario where you exchanged numbers and then did facebook on top of that.  When girls like you, they’ll give all sorts of contact info, phone, email, driver license,

The idea of facebooking someone in order to get a date out of it is playing low percentages.  Can it be done?  Yes.  I have done it.  I have even worked it backwards where through email, I asked for the number and then called.

Was it more work than it should have been? Yep.

I got buddies who do the “facebooking” often.  Do you know how many of those girls they end up going out with? Less than 5%, I’d say.  (That just sounds better than zero, which is what the case it most often.)

Of course there are dudes who will swear to you they’re making this work left and right, but those are also dudes who date a lot of phantom women. You’ll never see them with the women  they’re supposedly meeting off of facebook, but oh, how they will brag about it to no end.

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Dating & Facebook can be intrusive

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Then there is the part of the equation where it’s intrusive.  If you work in an office environment, I don’t think it’s a good idea to add coworkers to your facebook account.  the negatives far outweigh the positives.

Furthermore, it’s simply intrusive.

Suppose you add someone to your facebook whom you just went on a first-date with.  Now, that can create havoc.  She’ll see other girls who flirt or interact with you on there.  Those girls could include ex-girlfriend from a while back, female friends, (girls you added because you were interested in them, but wussed out), not to mention girls who are, or have been friends-with-benefits at some point.

You add all of that up and it’s a recipe for disaster.

If  you’ve just met a girl at random, you’re better off asking for a number, and NOT adding her to Facebook.  Not until you’ve gone on several dates and feel like you get along on some level.

Please keep in mind these guidelines are meant for normal guys who want pointers for dating girls.  My advice is not geared towards aspiring “Pick Up Artists” or “PUAs.”  PUAs don’t have that many friends nor do they have any women in their social circles, so the problem really solves itself.

Back to the normal guy.  Don’t be a pussy.  Take the interaction further.  Don’t just settle for playing it safe and asking for a facebook.

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How To Use Facebook for Dating

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Is facebooking completely useless?  No.

There are ways you can use it to your advantage. The following are some scenarios where you can use this which usually depend on one’s lifestyle or job:

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• Club promoter types, (Including promoters. DJs. hosts, event planners)

This is using facebook as part of the label that goes along with it: Social Media. It’s a way to conjure up a mass amount of people to make your event successful.  Along those lines, you could invite girls you’d like to get to know better as wel.

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• Professional Event hosting.

Maybe you’re not the average coke-snorting club promoter but have a prfoessional association.  Maybe you host art gallery openings, or someone who is able to use social gatherings to your advanage to invite women to your environment  you could use this to your advantage.

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• Going into Events:

Say you’re the type of dude who attends a lot of social events.  You have the sort of lifestyle where (for social or work reasons), you’re invited to various events.  In this context, you could use Facebook to invite the girl(s) you’ve met to the event, or perhaps ask her to go with you.

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• You’re the Event host (non professional capacity):

An even better situation is if you’re the type who likes having social get-togethers or parties in your house.  Now it’s just common sense. “Hey, I’m having a house party on Saturday night.  It’d be great if you could make it, and feel free to come with friends…”   (Or something along those lines.)

What you’re trying to do is open that release-valve on the steam pipe to relieve the pressure.  Going to a party or an event doesn’t feel awkward for her, and if she is inclined, she may bring a girlfriend or two.  Most girls will not bring guys to this sort of situation, as they know better.

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• Long Distance Situation

Say you live in NY and a girl you just met lives a 4-hour drive north of you in Boston.  You had a nice chat, liked each other, and agreed you were able to coexist despite the Yankee/Red Sox conflict.  On the same note, this is not really a dating situation.  You’re probably not meeting someone for a date who lives four-hour away. You Facebook each other, and the next time you’re in Boston or she is in NYC, maybe you’ll hang and have fun.  It’s not that serious.  This is a much more casual approach, and has more of a friendship vibe to it.  (Which is totally cool.)

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• “Cool-chick scenario.”

This one is sort of a far out concept for some guys.  It’s out there in the realm of dating advice, but let’s say you actually liked her as a person and wanted to keep in touch.  For a variety of possible reasons, you’re not able to call often and chit-chat like high school girls.  In this scenario, Facebook serves as what it’s meant to be, “A Social Network.”

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Lifestyle, job, and social proof can serve as beneficial tools.  Most guys don’t have this scenario.  They facebook girls and end up collecting random individuals.

If the above situations do not apply to you, then you’re better off asking for a phone number and moving on.  If she is not going to give you a number, she is not going to want to date you from facebook either in most cases. (Unless you want to grind this out.)

Even more silly is trying to date girls off twitter.  Why waste so much time twitting back and forth with nitwits?  Not to mention that if she is a hardcore twitter, she ain’t worth dating in the first place.  (excluding work/professional reasons for twitting.)

Of course, to some of you this may seem like common sense.  Other will want to resist the notion and think it’s a great idea to befriend girls on facebook after a 10 minute interaction.

The latter group will hold on to that notion until they overhear a conversation between women that I have heard several times now: What’s wrong with men these days?  Don’t they have the balls to ask you out anymore?  They ask you to be a facebook friend….

When you hear that one, it may really sink in.

Cameron

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In part 1, (Understanding Indifference in DATING,) I discussed how Indifference works in attracting women, and what the requirements are.  In this part, we’re going to tackle the next two questions.

• How does Indifference Backfire?
• What type of Women best respond to this?

In the following segments, I’ll discuss the drawbacks .

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3.  How does Indifference Backfire?

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I’ll illustrate through a likely scenario you can relate to:

You call a girl on Tuesday, and invite her to some event this coming Saturday.  She tells you, “Not sure.  Let’s talk on Friday.”  Now, if you have gotten this reply, (and if you’ve interacted with a lot of girls, chances are you’re cringing right now) because you know that the odds of this whole thing coming together just plummeted faster than Enron Stock.

As I explained in the last article, that reply from her translates into: “You’re the backup plan.  I’ll go out with you last minute if nothing else better comes up between now and then.”

So what would Mr. Indifference dating-coach advise you?  The indifference advice is to not care.  And just forget about it, and invite them to something else the following week nonchalantly.  Just extend an invite and forget about it.  Or perhaps better option next time:  Mr. Indifference would say that you shouldn’t even ask them out.

Just issue invites every so often.    So, you ought to just send a text telling her, “Hey, going to bar Y, or Event X on Friday.  You should go.  It’ll be fun.”

She may or may not come.  Either way, you’ve lost nothing.  Hey, all you’ve done is just send invites out.  This is a viable strategy and it can work.  More noteworthy, it works well with specific types of women.  (I’ll come back to that later.)

Here is the key and what you have you to understand:   You just dragged that interaction to gamesmanship.  Now, it’s a chess game.  Who is going to invite whom, and who’ll show.  Invite her, she either shows up or not.

Repeat same pattern next week.  But remember kids, don’t call. Don’t show you care, drink your milk, eat your vitamins, and keep your power.  You’re full fledged involved in playing games back and forth.

You have just encountered one of the drawbacks of “Indifference.”  You have created a gamesmanship playing field, and some people do enjoy that.  You’ve created a social dynamic in which you’re waiting to see who is going to cave in first, and give in to the attrition.

Others are too busy and don’t have the time or the patience.  Where do you fall in?

Furthermore, here are a slew of problems with the pattern of behavior you’ve chosen:

• What if you actually like to go on a somewhat traditional date?
• What if you are not a big fan of bars?
• Even more, what if you don’t want to have a first date at a bar?
• Even more important, what if you like the type of women who are bar hoppers?

Well, you’re sort of fucked.  Issue out invites and some will show, some won’t.

While this may be functional for a non-discriminatory “Get-laid” system, it may not be what you seek exactly (or at what so ever.)

So I say, find a better way!  I say, forget the, “Live in fear of giving your power away.”  This may not be your attitude and that’s fine.  If you are however uninterested in going back and forth, then you have to have standards and expect some accountability.

Hence this article: Understanding Indifference versus Accountability.

By establishing a certain standard of what behavior you tolerate and which behaviors you refuse to tolerate, you circumvent this circular time consuming level of gamesmanship.  You take the attitude of, “I do what I say, and I say what I mean.”

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4.  What type of women does Indifference best work on?

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What about pure indifference as it’s taught?  Surely, you’ve read advice that has instructed you to act like you don’t care about her or women in general, ever!  TWO key points about pure indifference that you ought to remember:

Point 1:     The pure indifference  “Don’t ever show you care” advice is ONLY designed to GET YOU A PIECE OF ASS! It is NOT designed to allow you to connect with another human being, because you’ve most likely dragged the interaction down to gamesmanship.  So if you want a cool girl to date or if you want a girlfriend, you just threw it all away.

Point 2:    That advice is also NOT designed to get you a quality woman of high value. A quality girl with high self-esteem is going to want to know & feel that she is somewhat valued by the guy she is dating.  Remember, she’s got a lot of choices too.

Having said that, I’ll again concede that certain women respond well to that pure indifference.  If this is all you ever do, then you’ll find unequivocally that Club-skanks, certain party chicks, and socialites respond well to this type of behavior.

Why is that so?

OK, if you must know why, If you MUST KNOW the reason, if your analytical part of your brain is begging to KNOW…. I’ll tell you in the next article.  (Just teasing on the last note.)

Here is the reason:  The archetypes of women I just mentioned are mostly EXTERNALLY VALIDATED. When you withhold that external validation, it fucks with their system, to put it scientifically.

The reason it does not work well with high QUALITY women is because they have some sort of an INTERNAL source of validation (not to be mistaken with ego).  Their internal source of validation can come from a variety of sources: It may be higher education, or  it could be something as simple as that they joined some volunteer organization to do some good.  The origin of the source is somewhat irrelevant.

Key is realizing that they have some source of personal pride.  Hence, they TOO, have standards regarding how they want to be treated.  (Just like I advised you in the Accountability article.  They apply to the same mindset as well.)

So when such gurus say, “Be completely indifferent,” what they really mean is “Be indifferent to the QUALITY of woman you’re going to get.  You may get some trashy insecure invalid to ride your pogo stick, but that’s how it goes.”

• This is where you have to make a conscious decision!

You have to think about what sort of relationships you want and with what sort of a woman.  If your chief goal is to stick your cock into a random vagina, then that pure-indifference may work well.  If you’re looking to get a girlfriend, and you want your girlfriend to be a quality person whom you can respect, then you have to part ways with the mindset of complete indifference.

The conscious decision you make has to factor in that the behavior which you exude will attract/repel certain type of people, in the same manner that the people whom you choose to call friends ultimately speak volumes about who you are.

As far as indifference is concerned, now you understand  why it works, how it works, what type of women it’ll get you, and what sort of scenarios it’s best suited for.   (Btw, I may have just saved you over 5000 Dollars, but keep that between us.)

Cameron

(And yes, the following Ebook, Building Attraction Secrets,will change your dating life for the better)

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Continuing on my quest to clarify Dating concepts, I am going to deconstruct the “Indifference” today.  Undoubtedly, I am sure that you’ve come across people touting this concept if you’ve sought dating advice for a while.

1. How does Indifference Work?
2. What Are the Requirements?
3. When does it backfire?
4. What type of women/girls best respond to this?

If you don’t intuitively understand the answers to the above four questions, you’re not going to be very good at applying this concept.  This is one of the biggest reasons why 90% of guys who seek dating advice do not really improve much, and to be completely honest with you, most dudes teaching you dating techniques don’t know it themselves.

• How does  Indifference Work?

Its chief design is to create, or rather trigger, an emotional response in people by providing the appearance that you have higher value and to further trigger that “people want what they can’t have” type of situation.

This is generally a sound concept, but there is an enormous piece of the puzzle most guys overlook.  That piece, a prerequisite to making Indifference functional, happens to be “Attraction.”

During a conversation with a girl, you can apply “Indifference” by having the attitude of “I don’t really care.”  It’d resemble the following attitude: “You want to go out on a date?  Sounds great.  You are not interested in seeing me?  OK, no biggie.  There are other girls who are interested.”   C’est la vie as the Frenchies say.

It’s not angry, nor is it being bitter.  It is what it exactly indicates: Indifferent.  Lacking emotion towards any issue makes you indifferent.  Hey, random Joe blow doesn’t like chicken sandwiches.  You’d say, “OK, so what?”  That’s being indifferent.

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• What are the Requirements?

Indifference, in and of by itself, is not an end-all be-all solution.

Case and Point: If you live in the U.S, you’ve probably walked into a 7-11 (or equivalent) convenience store at some point and have had a vagrant ask you for money.  Now, on some occasion, you probably even gave that homeless individual some change out of your pocket.

Pop quiz: If you walked to that same 7-11 and saw that bum asking everyone for money, except when it came to YOU, would you suddenly feel self-conscious?  Would you think, “Man, why didn’t that bum smelling like a mixture of alcohol and urine ask ME for money?”

Probably not.  If you would think that, seek help.  You’re far beyond the scope of what my blog can do for you.

Lesson here:  You need some attraction for indifference to work.  Whether it’s sheer physical looks, charm, wit, charisma, or your 1957 Corvette, you need some appeal.  How do you achieve attraction?  Well, you can get my Attraction Ebook for that.  Regardless, you need some attraction, meaning she must be somewhat interested in you.  You must appeal to her on some level.

If you do not, indifference will not be very effective for you.  This is the part most men miss.  They’re falsely under the impression that if they somehow stood in a corner facing a wall, and ignored a girl, somehow she’d be turned on and her juices would start to flow.

You’ll have a better chance to see the Chicago Cubs win a Baseball World Series before that actually works for you.

So now you know how Indifference functions and what you need in order for it to be functional.

• How does it backfire?  What type of women are ideal for this?

Well, you’ll have to tune in for the next article to see that one. Trust me, it only gets better.

Cameron

Balancing indifference vs. accountability

This is one of those articles that you’re going to want to mark as a favorite on your web browser, because it’s going to clear up much of that perplexity regarding dating.

Well, let’s face it: Advice on dating and attraction can confuse the f*ck out of ya.

The following scenario may resonate with you, as it might be all too familiar in your life experience.

• Typical scenario:

Guy searches the Internet for advice to improve his dating life.  He sees various conflicting advice that are often diametrically entirely opposed.  Dating gurus, who all claim to be decedents of Casanova preach entirely …

One coach or self-proclaimed pick up artist advises you to not ever show your intention.  Be “indirect”, he tells you.   He instructs you to ask for an opinion and pretend to be gay if you have to, whatever it takes to not let her know you actually like her.

Another “coach” tells you to be direct, just state your intentions.  Tell her, “I like you, I want you, I find you breathtaking.”  Be bold, poetic, and romance-novel hero profession his fondness for that special woman.

Just when that sounded interesting, another dating-coach type raves about “Indifference.”  He is not so much indirect or direct, but rather he is just indifferent.  He just doesn’t care.  He wants you to react as though someone told you the score of a cricket game between rival’s teams in Timbuktu.  (Not even sure if they play cricket there..)

Having been exposed to such opposing perspectives, the dating-advice student concludes that “These guys are all full of shit” and that probably nobody knows anything.   It’s all a confusing mess, and you still can’t get too many dates.

When you understand CONTEXT of what is going on, you’ll begin to see the overall picture with more clarity. You’ll recognize the nuances of what is happening and you’ll be able to decipher how to apply these nuances to your personal social interactions.

• Let’s take “Indifference” as an example.

Some dating-advice wisdom leans towards indifference.  Let’s define indifference as such advisors teach it.  The overall ideology is something along the lines of the following:

-Don’t ever show that you care about her.  Don’t show you like her.  Don’t even act like a give damn if you ever went out with her.  All of your actions should convey that you couldn’t possibly care less about her.

A common phrase that you’ll hear from people who apply to the indifference school of thought is:  “Don’t give your power Away!  Keep your power.  Don’t give it away!”

To show that you care would be giving your power away.  Why?  Because now she can manipulate you.  Now, she knows you like her and can hold that against you.

Imagine living your life with the fear that you just might give your power away.(By the way, in the next article, I am going to cover Indifference in detail.)

Like everyone else, I do run into girls who start to play these cute little games.  Actually, I live in LA, so I get the entire spectrum of such women.

You call a girl on Tue, and invite her to some event on Sat.  She tells you, “Not sure.  Let’s talk on Friday.”  Now, if you have gotten this reply, (and if you interact with a lot of girls, chances are you’re cringing right now) because you know that the odds of this whole thing coming together just plummeted faster than Enron Stock.

So what would Mr. Indifference advise you?  The indifference advice is to not care.  And just forget about it, and invite them to something else the following week nonchalantly. Or rather next time:  Mr. Indifference would say that you shouldn’t even ask them out.  However, that’s counterproductive too as you’ll see in my next article.

So what do you do?

- Introduce a bit of Accountability & Personal Standards -

In the last article, “The Preferred Response” line you read some examples of holding people accountable.  But wait, if you did that, you’d no longer be indifferent.

If you said, “Hey, I’m looking forward to seeing you next Saturday.  Let’s meet at 7:00 PM.”  Then you just gave your power away.  What a cardinal sin to Mr. Indifference. Can the cosmos handle such diverse patterns of behavior within the same time space continuum?

{Side note:  This is written with the assumption that the girl is also interested in you on some level.  Please do not write me emails asking about some girl who is barely aware of your existence on this planet not reciprocating your actions.}

But then, if you care too much about seeing her, you may appear to be desperate.  What do you do?

You have to balance INDIFFERENCE with ACCOUNTABILITY.

• Real Life Example

So let’s revisit a likely scenario:

It’s Sunday afternoon.  You call a girl and invite her to spent time on Thursday evening. Simple enough, correct?

She gives you wishy-washy answers.  (If she has other legit previous engagements, then that’s fair.)  If she said, I’m having dinner with President Obama and the other heads of State on that night, that is a fair as well as firm response.  We’re not talking about that.

We’re talking wishy-washy answers such as, “I think that might work.  Let’s talk again on Wednesday night.”

Do you know what that really means?

“If nothing better comes up, then I’ll hang with you.”

That’s what a wishy-washy answer is.  You’re a back up plan if nothing else better comes up.  (I hate to say it but even I have done it to girls I didn’t care to see that much.)   Here is where you hold her accountable.  Yes or no.  None of this, “Let’s talk again.  If she can’t live her life with some sort of a discipline, then fine.  You can’t change how other persons choose to live their lives.  However, you do have the ability to cut them out of your life.

Sounds simple. Sounds sweet. Tougher to do to than it appears.   Because you friends will ask, “Hey, what happened with that girl you met. Man, she is really cute.”  Then you’ll be tempted to compromise.   It may be worse.  Your pals may be “Seduction community” conditioned people trying to coach you how to get her by having super-game.   Can’t worry about that.

You must be willing to walk away if the situation is counter-balanced to your values.

Trying to hold people accountable to every single thing will present you as someone desperate or very anal.  However, on issues like making plans, following through, it’s fair to be expecting common courtesy. If that common courtesy is not met, then you’ll walk away.

• So how do you balance indifference and accountability???

1. You show that you’d like to see them.  You show that you’re interested and that you’d love to hang out and HAVE FUN!
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2. On the same token, you know what you like, and you live your life upholding certain standards.  It’s also about being able to be decisive and make decisions.   AND if people are not able to live life on that plain with you, then you ARE willing to walk away.

Because remember, you HAVE choices too!  If she is not willing to meet you on an even plane, there are plenty of others who will.

The Walk-away is key.  Accountability hangs on a scale that must be equalized by the willingness to walk away. If you’re just indifferent, you’re aiming for the low-hanging fruit.  If you’re too obsessed with the accountability, you care too much about the interactions and are behaving as though you’re desperate.  The balance is knowing when to go forward, and when to walk away.

Cameron

Ps.  And seriously, all of this is predicated on the fact you’re somewhat of a cool guy to begin with.  If you’re missing that first step, you’ve completely derailed the locomotive off the tracks and the rest of it is a gigantic train wreck.

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The “Preferred Response Line”

 When you read dating advice, it’s important to keep things in perspective and be able to distinguish as to what represents your personality.  It’s also important to have fun and experiment based on your specific personality.

Personalities come in a wide range: Some people are a bit sarcastic, others have a very dry sense of humor, and hey, some people have no personality.

In the last article on texting, I discussed “Cameron Ladder of Communication.” That was just fun a little gimmick meant to act as a preemptive strike.  That may or may not fit your persona, but nevertheless, keep in mind the importance of a little experimentation.

Another thing that I started trying with texts was what I call the “Preferred Response Line.”   I’m sure some dating coaches or “Pick Up Artists” would call it a method of gaining compliance, but really for me, it was meant as a way not to have my time wasted.

You can use it to flirt and you can use it to establish boundaries.  Here is an example of a flirtatious one:

• Example 1. [Flirting through Sexual Innuendo.]

Girl’s text to me:  Yada, yada, yada,  C.  [Note that she refers to me as “C”]

Me: You know, I’d prefer if you wrote my name out, and even more preferable,  if you MOANED it. ;-)

Her next text:  “Ok, Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam baby.”

The above example can also be categorized under a “How to Flirt” to article, but that’s not the focus right now.

———–

It’s fun to flirt and create a sexual vibe.  Then I thought why not apply that sort of “Preferred” response to other areas.

• Example 2:

Scenario:  I text a girl to invite her to a social “Happy-Hour” event on Wednesday .

-My text:  Hey, next Wed is blah, blah…  you should come with…. Etc, etc.

-She:  Not sure.  Let’s talk wed afternoon, and I’ll let you know.

-My text verbatim: OK, for future reference, the preferred response is, “that’s sounds fun.  I’d love to go with you Cameron :-)”

Here is the amazing part: Normally, it took this particular girl about 10-15 min to return a text.  It was weird, as though she had some sort of an egg-timer on her oven that she set to 15 minutes before she could return a text.    So it was surprising to see a reply back from her within 30 seconds.   Maybe she lost her egg-timee?   It definitely broke her normal sms-text pattern.

She:  I’d love to go with you Cameron!

Nice, this is awesome!  Wish I would have started asking for preferred response sooner.

————

So is there a point?  Well, I guess if there had to be one, it’s learn to ask for what the fuck you want and don’t be so ashamed about it.  Establish a standard for yourself and stick with it.

• 3^rd example:

A Girl I’ve met has a weird work schedule.  Needs to make plans in advance.  I’m cool with that. She really likes advance plans though.

We’re planning a date for next Tuesday.  It’s only wed right now, so this is really advanced planning.  It’s a bit out of the norm for me. Let’s resume the texting at that point of the plan:

Me:  Sounds good. Tuesday eve works for both of us.

She: OK.  Why don’t we talk on Mon.

Me:  That’s not really my style, babe. I’d like to see you on Tue if you are free.  Otherwise…..

She: That’s not my style either….   Tue sounds good!

————

Really???  That’s not her style?  Sure could have fooled me.

Men and women both play games.  Sometimes women feel compelled to play these games and if you befriend girls, they’ll admit so much to you.  They’ll literally tell you things you always suspected, such as, “I’m going to wait 3 days to call him back” or “I didn’t kiss him even though I REALLY wanted to.”

(Sidebar: Again, why it’s important to have female friends.  It gives you a perspective into their world as well.)

It’s not always malicious nor is it sinister, but it is the way it is.  The burden of circumventing this issue falls on your shoulders.   Again, you’re the man, you have the masculine energy, you take charge, and YOU LEAD!

Will this ALWAYS work perfectly?  Not necessarily.  Then again, this is not MEANT as a tactic or a means to be slick.  It’s meant to be a code of conduct, the way you live your life, exemplified in the manned in which you carry yourself.

By doing this, you build strength from the inside.  This goes back to theme of building that foundational strength, which is an absolute must-read article on this blog:  Strength is Generated from Within.

The “preferred response line” is a bit tactical.  I’m giving you what is basically a maneuver to implement as part of a strategy to use to create the results you want.  I shared it with another dating-coach, one of the very few whose knowledge I respect,  and he had fantastic results with it as well.

However, always remember that this bit of strategy is just one piece in a greater picture, and that greater picture is establishing ground rules for what you will or will not tolerate. It’s also the ground rules for taking the lead in this situations to short-circuiting the game playing that goes on in dating a bit.

There is one more piece to this puzzle that I’m going to explain thoroughly in the next blog post.  It’s going to clear a lot of the confusion you’ve been having in the Dating-World.. It’ll provide clarity, good feelings, and may even curl your toes.

For the time being, apply the preferred response as you see fit.  I’d prefer if you left a comment telling me the results you’ve been having with it. ;-)

Cameron

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OK, this one is from the vault.  Originally came up with this back in 2007

  In the last article, I talked about the pros and cons of texting.  The cartoon in the post is frighteningly indicative of the dynamics and games that go into interaction. 

  You can read the article here: Pros & Cons of Texting.

 Then there are things that are annoying.  Everyone has pet peeves, and for me, the texting in reply to a phone call is one of them.  As I discovered, apparently, there are a lot of dudes who are annoyed by this behavior.  Cold-approach lends itself more to this, and some people just take laziness to new heights.

 Scenario: You call someone, leave a voicemail, and you get a text back saying:

“I saw you called.  I am busy shopping for pee-wee Herman doll replicas.  What’s up?”

Your inclination is to want to reply, “ I’ll take Information I didn’t need to know for $500 Alex.”   [Actually, I may have to try this, come to think of it.  For the international audience, this is a reference to long running American game show called Jeopardy.]

  And let’s be honest here: It’s not just girls who do this.  Some men do it as well, but with dudes, things are simpler because there is no dating involved.  To be fair, there are situations where a friend will text you because he is in a business meeting, out of the country, whatever.  I am not talking about that or any sort of rational logistical reasons. 

So was born The Cameron Ladder of Communication.

 Point of this article is to sort of show you how you can circumvent certain circumstances by establishing certain rules.  Adding a touch of humor enables you to make easier conversational banter and present the idea more casually.

• How does it work?

 At some point during the conversation, the topic of “Dislikes” comes up.  (well, I may bring it up myself!)   So, obviously she mention s things she dislikes….   Then it’s my turn explain the ladder of communication.

 I have this thing called “Cameron’s ladder of communication…. It’s sort of patent pending regarding the proper order of answering messages.

Cameron’s ladder of communication:

• Phone Call,
• Text,
• Myspace,  [I said it's from 2007.]
• Regular Email.
• Telegraph
• Morse code.
• Smoke signals

 Here is the thing.  It’s cool to be progressive, but it aint’ cool to go backwards.   Meaning if someone were to text you and you reply with a phone call, that’s fine. But then, if you received a text and respond back with Morse code, smoke signals or a pigeon for that matter, that’s a major violation of the ladder of communication.

  The idea, again, is to use a little bit of humor to get your point across. 

 This texting thing may not be your particular pet peeve.  You may have others.  Point is use this example, and learn how you can use a bit of humor to establish ground rules to circumvent situations that are undesirable.

•   Why/How it may benefit YOU in your dating life:

While there are beneficial aspects to texting, it can also create a sort of stalemate at times where you’re not making progress. 

 In my experience, and I think it’s common sense, it’s far easier to get a girl to meet you for a FIRST date if you can talk to her for 15 to 20 minutes than texting back and forth incessantly.  (After the first date, dynamics change obviously.)   After a 15 minute conversation where you’re having banter and sharing witty repartee, you’re going to find it quite a natural transition to meet up in person for more fun. 

 If you’re constantly texting, sometimes you go down this weird path of exchanging electronic messages where you’re locked into this weird impersonal relationship.  At that point, it’s more difficult to get the person to meet you in person, or even to get a phone called established.  You want to avoid trying to organize that initial get-together through a plethora of texts going back and forth.

 Now, if you have trouble maintaining decent conversation on the phone, then maybe a 20 minute convo isn’t for you.  (You better be able to sustain some form of conversation on the actual date, if she does come to meet you.)

 Nevertheless, if you can understand this intricacies what I explained in the “Ladder of Communication,” you can use the formula to cover bases for your personal dislikes.  Think of it as a Pre-Emptive Strike! (And you thought nothing possibly good could have come from the Bush Admin!)  Hey, we became familiar with the phrase, preemptive  Strike!  Use it wisely.

 As a matter of fact, you can use this Pre-Emptive strike to preempt various issues that may come up! For example, you may have be a college student who lives at home, OR you may be a single parent.  The tendency of most people is to want to hide things and live in secrecy.  The aforementioned two examples are nothing to embarrassed about, although I can certainly understand the apprehensiveness.  Bring it up first!  Do the Preemptive strike, get it out of the way, establish a baseline. 

 Stay tuned for the next article where I’ll take this one step further in establishing code of conduct.

Enjoy

Cameron

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