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I was talking to a female friend the other day. She was frazzled, and a bit disgruntled about a conversation she had had with a colleague of hers.  It had left her with a conundrum of sorts.  She was caught in a philosophical bind after the conversation.

Before I go further, I ought to provide you with some insight regarding her.

She is really a smart girl, one of the smarter girls I’ve known, and she is what some people would refer to as a “do-gooder.”  Perhaps, it’s one of my favorite things about her: she is an idealist.  She sees the way the world is and wants to somehow make it better.  She strives to create a better environment.  I mention this because it’ll be relevant momentarily.

She tells me about the conversation she had with her colleague.  This colleague/ acquaintance was ranting to her that everyone is selfish.  Ultimately, we are all selfish. We do things for ourselves, not for other people.  He tells her that there is no difference between what she or he does.

She tells him about the type of work she does, charitable causes she volunteers her time for, and so forth.

“Well, I work with foundation x,y.z, and I put a lot of time and sacrifice and donate a lot of my time to improve this situation..’”

To which, her detractor replied: “Yes, but you do it for them, because it makes you feel good.”

She was visibly upset.   It’s a bit of philosophical conundrum.  How can such two people be see similarly?   Thus,  the following conversation took place between us:
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She
“How can he say everyone is selfish? I do so much, and work hard, while he does x,y,z….   He compares those together and makes it sound like we are completely similar?  It makes me mad, and it’s f*cked up.”  (And this is someone who usually doesn’t curse)

Me
Yeah, I’ve heard that argument before.

She
It’s bullshit.  How can people say I’m selfish when I do for others?

Me
Well, he is right in some ways.  We all do things because in some way they make us feel good. Even the sacrifices we make server a greater purpose within us.

She
Come on!   You can’t compare….

ME
—You’re right.  You can’t.  I’ve heard that argument before and it was from a sleazy boss that I had.

She
what did you say?

ME
Nothing at the time.  It wasn’t the right situation to argue.   I’ve realized though, it comes down to values. We all have core values.

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So then, what do I mean by core-values?

If you figuratively stripped away all of the layers off of someone’s personality, you’d get to their essence, their core Values.  These are values that govern their lives, and they’re the fundamental building blocks of what follows.

Let me put it this way; take someone who has dedicated themselves to charitable causes.  Mother Theresa is the prominent and cliché example that pops into mind.  She helped people because it made her feel good.  She certainly didn’t do it because it made her feel bad.

On the other extreme, take as an example someone like Hitler. Committed genocide, atrocities, killed millions of people, some of them his own. Wanted to rule the world, etc, etc….   Why? It also made him feel good at the end of the day.  He certainly didn’t do it because it made him feel bad.

Both people did it to make themselves feel good.   It’s WHAT they felt good about, that’s key here.

One felt good helping other people live a better life. The other felt good by ruling as a dictator, committing murder, and conducting ethnic cleansing of men, women and children of all ages.

They just had different core values.  It’s that simple.  Now, those are two extreme examples but they help blatantly in illustrating the point.  We all do things that make us feel good, and those are governed by our core values.

I did tell my friend that,  “And by the way, for future reference, anyone who ever brings up that argument in a discussion is someone who wants to screw u over.  It’s usually a scumbag type, who is looking for a way to rationalize his own behavior so he can sleep better at night.”

Don’t encourage it.  Better to have identified a scumbag and move on.  Interestingly enough, con men and swindlers also use similar type of faulty logic to justify what they do.  Even they don’t want to feel bad about what they’re doing.

Well, all of this sounds like a wonderful philosophical discussion I had with a friend, but what’s the point of this article, you may be wondering.

Simple: When it comes to dating, relationships, and friendships, it’s best to seek people who haves similar core-values. Just as mother Theresa and Hitler wouldn’t make good friends, neither do people with less striking polarities.

If you’re the ambitious type who also likes to discover new places, learn about new people and cultures, you’ll have a hard time working a relationship where the other individual lacks those values.  Your relationship will inevitably fail.

It’s only a matter of time.

If it’s one axiom I’VE COME TO know by heart in terms of relationships, it is this importance of sharing similar core values with friends, girlfriends, lovers and so forth.

People often make the mistake of thinking that friendships are built solely on commonalities.   Even more so, some people mistakenly assume that strong relationships are formed only because of shared hobbies. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Nowhere is this discourse or idiosyncrasy, more apparent than in large groups brought together by a commonality.

Core values form deep friendship.  Whether it’s a college fraternity/sorority, social club, or the ski club, people can be definitely brought together through a common hobby.  People who share the same common hobby can possess vastly different core values.  What you’ll observe is that over the course of time, people with similar core-values WITHIN those common groups will be bound together.

This was part of the experience of the infamous Project Hollywood that you may have read about.  People were brought together by a common hobby.  That’s all it was, a hobby, and yet quickly, people of similar values bonded and eventually, the entire thing imploded.

On the surface, everyone pretended to get along, but underneath something deeper and darker was brewing. In the famous words of Morgan Freeman from “The Shawshank Redemption” it was like  geology: “Study of pressure and time.”

That’s what that is: when you have dissimilar core values, it’s pressure through time and that will disintegrate.

Irrespective of age, gender and ethnicity, people of polarized core-values will inevitable clash.    Oliver Stone’s epic Vietnam movie, “Platoon” does an extraordinary job depicting this amongst American soldiers who are essentially on the same side.  (PS. If you haven’t seen “Platoon”, well, you’re probably missing one of the greatest war movies ever made.)

College fraternities/sororities, business partnerships, corporate boardrooms, marriages, relationships, sports teams, friendships, and the military will bring people together for a common cause per se.  Even then, the  people fighting for the same military will either attract or repel each other based on core values.   Again, Platoon does a superb job of clearly depicting the sheer conflict that rises out of clashing core-values even amongst people fighting on the same side.

Core values can range from loyalty and integrity to being ambitious and being progressive.  As an example, liking to travel is a hobby.  Even it’s your favorite thing in the world, it’s still a hobby.  On the other hand, having a deep rooted desire to constantly evolve and learn new things could be considered a core-value.

In the dating world,   you’re better off recognizing it early, and choosing close friends and lovers carefully.  Divorce lawyers make a killing off of people who haven’t.

While this blog is mostly concerned with dating, it’s good to be reminded of some of the most fundamental principles in human relationships:  That it comes down to sharing similar Core-Values.

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Cameron

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Are you ready for this??

This is one of those articles that may not be liked by those of you knee-deep entrenched in self-help right now, and it certainly won’t be liked by most of the self-proclaimed gurus who are teaching self-help. Nevertheless, a self-check is always beneficial.

• Why do some people take refuge in self help?

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I got involved with this stuff long ago.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that everyone who becomes involved with this stuff has some sort of an issue.  I realize it’s a very general statement but please stay with me here.  I just haven’t met any exceptions and perhaps one person exists out there who defies the rule, but it’s safe to say, the blanket statement covers 99% of people heavily involved with self-help.

It was difficult for ME to come to this conclusion, because then, that meant I had some sort of an issue as well.  And truth is, I did.   It’s just a matter of identifying the issues and realizing its severity.  I’ve come across so many men who lack basic social skills, the ability to interact at a house party or even give you a friendly handshake.   I didn’t have those issues, so I wondered why I ended up in some conference that was hosting a slew of such men.

Different people take refuge for different reasons.  For some, it’s a lack of social skills, for others it’s lack of confidence or suffering from low self-esteem.  As for me, I went through a period where I was really depressed and not feeling all of that great about myself.  I suppose that’s a mark of all people who go through that phase. If you felt fantastic about yourself, you wouldn’t be depressed.

Still, I don’t have any regrets about studying so much about human behavior or psychology because it’s something I always enjoyed.  For whatever reason, I’ve enjoyed looking at different people’s characters, their behavioral patterns and mannerisms since I Was a kid.  Reading certain blog posts will give you that impression rather quickly.

But surely, you’re talking about just the “Seduction Community?”

Absolutely NOT!  I am talking about ALL Self-help.  I am talking Tony Robbins, NLP, Bandler, Eckhart Tolle, and as main stream as Dr. Phil.   People take refuge in this because they have issues.

Does it mean you’re a bad apple?  Or in layman’s terms, are you a f*cked up individual?

No.  It just means you’re going through a period where things are rough.  You’re navigating through troubled waters.   That’s all.  Granted, you’re going to come across some weirdos and sociopaths, and that’s just how it goes.

Clearly, there also exists a segment of self-help fanatics who have gigantic issues that need serious help.  The majority of self-help enthusiasts, got into it because of the place they were in life.

There are events in life that unravel human beings.  Failed businesses or marriages serve as a good example.   Ever come across a man/woman who went through an extremely bitter divorce?  What about some poor guy who got laid off a job after 20 years of service?  (Similar to the opening sequence in the movie “Up In the Air.”)   That job was his professional life!   Or perhaps someone who is going through depression, OCD, anxiety disorders, and etc?  It happens.

So where does Self-help come in?  Are you ready for this?

Self-Help mostly APPEALS To human beings at the time when they’re most vulnerable!

 All of the aforementioned  folks in the last paragraph could be subjects lured in by  self-help!   It’s at these times of desperate destitution that self-help suddenly appeals to us.  Self-Help products generally do not appeal to moderately happy individuals.

You’d be hard pressed to find well-adjusted genuinely happy individuals at a Tony Robbins Seminar.  More so, you’ll have an even harder time to get that person to listen to a self-help Audio course!   I’ve tried!  You have a better chance  of having them visit the dentist without Novocain than to get them to listen to Tony Robbins.

Self-Help Appeals to us when we’re most vulnerable emotionally and mentally.  Why?

Because it makes sense out of things.  You’re going through a period where your brain is searching for meaning.  Imagine you’ve worked for the same company married to the same spouse for 20 years.  Suddenly, that job fires you (and 100s of others), and your spouse wants a divorce.

20 years of investment of your life and energy seems to have been gone down the drain.  It is so difficult to make sense.  What does it mean?  In times like this, the Universe and the planet don’t make sense.

Enter Self-Help.  It makes sense out of things and sometimes, it’s something as simple as providing perspective for where you’re at.  (Sort of like my attempt with this article, which you’ve probably caught on by now.)   It provides a reference point as to where you are, and where you need to go.  It provides some clarity, a goal, and some guidance. Sometimes, it also provides a support group of peers suffering through similar crisis.

Through a renewed sense self, new goals and objectives, armed with a new perspective, and perhaps a support-group of like-minded peers, you are now ready to forge ahead once again.   In fact, one of the benefits of self-help is providing support groups.  Much like “Alcoholics Anonymous,” a support group of peers is very effective in enabling people to deal with situations.    For the guy/gal above, they’ll find a new spouse or lover, get a new job, or even do something better.  Maybe start a new business and be more productive than before.  Maybe!

“Maybe” is the keyword.  Some people just get stuck in the cycle.

So wait!  What the f**k man!  Are you saying Self-Help is Good or Bad?

It’s neither and it’s a both!  Wow, what a zen answer.  The type of shit you’d find in Self-help books.  I could be a great guru If I could ever stand to be a pretentious bastard.

Self-Help can be good for all of the examples I gave in the last few paragraphs.  3 particular concepts stand out in my experience and obsevation:

1.  New goals,
2. New perspective,
3. A support-group

 The above three concepts help individuals pick up the pieces and forge ahead.  That’s the good, or rather beneficial, part of  self-help.

The bad, or counterproductive, part is when self-help becomes a lifestyle.  It’s when it consumes your life and becomes everything, a perpetual cycle of constant involvement in self-help searching for a some higher goal.

Heroin addicts call it “Chasing The Dragon.”  (OK, I’ve seen it in Documentaries.)   Apparently, the greatest high off of heroin comes off the very first attempt.  You can never rival that high again, and people start doing it to get that affect, but they never can.  Hence, they start chasing the “Dragon” which they can never find.  In the process, it robs them of everything.

If you’re knee-deep engulfed in the trenches of Self-help, you must evaluate if you too are chasing that dragon.  Part of this is commercial.  Similar to a drug-pusher, a self-help guru does NOT want to let you go!  It’s bad for business.

You can bet that there will constantly be an influx of new self-help material  that’s designed to be better than the last.  There will be new discoveries, new realizations, and programs to keep you addicted for a lifetime.  In the meanwhile, the confused addicts keep on purchasing.

See, this is not like the Beetles or the Rolling Stones putting out a new album every year for your musical enjoyment.  You have a choice to buy that or not buy it.  Hey, you may not even like those bands.  Regardless of your affinity for the band, you’re able to make a conscious decision.  In self-help, you’re not able to make that conscious decision.  Technically, you have the power to make the decision, but psychologically, it’s already been made for you.  (A lot of good marketing operates on this platform.)

The self-help guru has already bypassed your critical thinking.  He has already convinced you that you need his wisdom forever and ever, and ever.  In fact, it’s almost like your life would be empty without him constantly pumping you with his wisdom.………   At least, this is the behavior of most self-help marketing machines.  They want you to chase that dragon for a lifetime.  The ones that achieve cult status want you to bring your friends along for the ride.

The truly brilliant ministers of propaganda make self-help a  part of your identity.  Devout followers now swear by it and come to believe that this new information has somehow transcended them from the rest of humanity.  Come to thin think of it, there is another form of doctrine that operates on the same plain of ideology: Organized religion.

These are doctrines that become part of your identity and sense of purpose.  Whether someone is serving Jesus or a new age spiritual guru, he/she ought to perhaps come to realize that in some way , this has become his/her way of life. This is his identity.   This fulfills his sense of purpose.  When you dictate a human being’s sense of purpose and identity, you own his/her soul. You truly do.  You can get him to willingly murder abortion doctors, or a wear suicide bomber vest. 

(And if you read the blog often, you recognize the repeated resurgence  of Purpose/identity theme  often. Pardon the heavy psychology, but it’s important to slap yourself upside the head with realizations.)

It’s imperative for all of us as human beings to have a sense of purpose and an identity.  However, you have to ask yourself: Isn’t silly to have your identity be that of someone who spends tens of 1000s of Dollars on self-help?  IS this something to be proud of?  Could this be something in retrospect to find redeeming?

Oh, but I can see it now.  The influx of anger from gurus and their devout disciples alike: “Ha!  You just don’t understand.”

The problem, my dear Watson, is that I DO understand and hence why you should reevaluate yourself if you find yourself knee deep in the thick swamps of self-help without a paddle.  Take a look at yourself from a third person perspective.

In essence, imagine looking at a biographical movie of yourself on a big screen TV.  We could all use a reality-check once in a while.  Before you do that, maybe you ought to look at my friend’s wife, who has spent tens of 1000s of Dollars on seminars trying to acquire the “Millionaire Mindset.”

She is still not a millionaire.  She is not even a 100,000er.  In fact, had she spent that 20,000 Dollars on buying some stock from Apple 6 years ago, she’d have some decent return on investment right about now, but I digress.

Look at it this way:  People who are fit and healthy do not repeatedly attend weight-loss conventions.  Sure, a fitness aficionado (me included) will pick up a new book  here and there as a hobby but it takes an entirely different type of animal to spend 1000 of Dollars on repeated seminars every single year.

There is a sense of absolutism that self-help gurus operate with.  Simply put, it is an “All or nothing” mentality.  “You’re either with us or against us” mindset drives their business forward forever.  None of their preaching can really be proven or unsproven.  It can’t be confirmed or denied.  It just exists in this plain of fluff caught in a time-space vacuum of ambiguities where only the truly privileged who pay over the course of 50 years can truly come to grasp.

This sense of absolutism must exist because their authority cannot be questioned.  You need their enlightenment forever and ever.  Critical thinking on your part cannot be accepted.  If you can bypass critical-thinking, you can control someone’s actions and behavior.  Henceforth, logic, rational, and reason must be eradicated at all costs. 

A religious person will convince you that a guy rented a small studio apartment literally inside a whale, and that another guy took a pair of every single specie of animals on a ship the size of a modern aircraft carrier which he built without any tools or even a hammer.  

A self-help guru will similarly convince you that he holds the key to enlighenment and anyone who challenges this assertion will be met with character attacks: “You’re negative.  You don’t get it.  You don’t want to get it.  You’re just trying to bring others down… and etc…” 

Should all self-help be discarded?

 No.  Reading books or attending seminars that give you basic building blocks are useful.  I’ve found value in them and I think so have other.  Hey, I write a Blog that gives dating tips.   I even share some of the psychological concepts/tools I have come to learn.  It’s just how long and how much money you devote to this endeavor and how many years you spend that can become borderline ridiculous.

 Did you go to a Tony Robbins seminar?  Good.  I went to one too.  I really enjoyed it.  I’d even recommend it to you except I worry you may fall into the trap of becoming a disciple.  I’ve personally met people who have been involved “Studying” with Tony for almost a decade now.  (And there are no signs of them leaving the compound anytime soon.)  Again, imagine that for a minute: 10 YEARS of studying Tony.

If people immersed themselves in self-help for a year or two to get out of a hole, then there’d be no cause for concern.  Often, it’s not how it works.  OK, I can see the frustration of the malcontent now:

“Man, this guy does Not get it. What do you have against people improving themselves?”

A common response from a self-help guru, I’d presume.  I am an ardent advocate of improving oneself.   You could pick up a book on philosophy, you could enroll in a college course, you could start a physical fitness program, you could start a new hobby….  Wait, How about learning to speak a new language???

Those are all ways of improving oneself, and don’t require you to repeatedly spend 10,000 Dollars a year for the next 10 years.

• So to bring this full circle: What is the goal of self-help?

The goal of self-help is LEAVING IT.  You have certain issues and so you delve into self-help.  In some cases, professional help may be required. In other cases, you get through that period, and you learn some good things.  Whether it’s advice on having a more fit body, a healthier diet, or effectively flirting with the opposite sex, you learn good solid tips that will help guide you. You may even spend a couple of years in it.

Yes, you can learn good information from self-help.  It may benefit you in providing some perspective and teach you some applicable tools to get over the low point you’re in at the moment.

• But do remember: The Goal of Self-Help is Leaving it.

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Cameron

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  In the last article, The Guru Epidemic, I talked about the behavior of most Gurus and their Modus Operandi.  Someone unfamiliar, (or even familiar) with self-help gurus and teachers of enlightenment may natually wonder: WHY do people take refuge in gurus?

• SO WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE GO TO GURUS?

 Come on Cameron.  The picture you paint is not very flattering.  Why would people worship these individuals?

Well, I’ll share a quick story that may help you see this dynamic from another perspective.

A gentleman by the name of David DeAngelo has been giving Dating advice online since about 2001.  He has countless DVDs, seminars, and audio products on dating advice.  You probably have heard of him.    2 years ago, ”David DeAngelo” decided to give seminars on marketing under his real name Eben Pagen.

 Yet, some of the same people who attended his dating seminars, STILL chose to willingly attend his marketing seminars though they had zero interest in learning about Internet Marketing   A very analytical friend of mine was about to lose his mind.  As though he were “Rainman” on uppers, he kept repeating,  “But I don’t get it!  They’re looking for dating advice.  This is a marketing seminar!  Why are they paying 5000 Dollars to see this guy speak about marketing when they want DATING advice? Why, why, why???”

To which I replied:

“You’re not getting it emotionally.  That’s Daddy up there!  That’s their father on stage!!!   That’s why they’re there, a chance to see daddy one more time”

There you have it!  The guru relationships.  Most subjects, specially in the DATING FIELD, (I don’t know if this’d apply in the financial-advice field for example) are NOT EVEN SEEKING ADVICE.  THEY’RE LOOKING FOR A FATHER amidst these gurus.

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Guru is not your father

 The over-bearing guru who has all of the answers represents a father-figure most guys  at that seminar have not had.  Maybe they had fathers who were meek, or perhaps their dad was never around. In these modern times, people are missing father figures, and hence, they seek to fill that void through finding gurus who can tell them what to do, give them direction, and tough love.  (To be fair, David D never signed up for this.  However, there are plenty of “Gurus who relish in taking this role and do take advantage of it).

 I think if you had a father who was a masculine figure, a man’s man, who spent time with you when you were a kid, you’d have a hard time ending up in the guru-worshipping circles.  You could even get sucked in for a short while perhaps, but you’d snap out of it quickly.   A lack of a strong caring father figure is a common trend you’d find as the common element in the guru worhippers.

 I should add that I am not condemning anyone for going to a seminar to improve on anything, whether it’s financial advice, or how to be a better Tennis player weekend crashcourse.  Being progressive is a great attribute.  However, when the knack for being for being progressive is replaced by a need for a father figure/guru who influences your every decision, you’ve crossed  on over into a slippery slope.

 Would you like to be horrified for a bit?   This will only take you 10 minutes and save your hours of time from having to watch another shitty “Saw” movie.    Stick your head in “Tony Robbins Forums” for 10 minutes and be sure to  have a vomit-bucket close by.  You’ll find people who can’t figure out what to do for exercise, or what to eat for breakfast, or how to tie on their shoelaces without Tony Robins telling them the proper way to do it.  Again, Tony seems like a nice guy.  I don’t know that he set out to do this, but it’s bound to happen. 

 If you happen to be one of these people and can identify with the above people, then maybe you should look into getting your issues fixed.   Most people assume “Gurus” to be a notch, (or two or three notches) above average normal people.  The ultimate irony is that most gurus are a notch (or two or three) BELOW normal average people. (For reasons mentioned above, and trust me, I’ve spent enough time with self proclaimed gurus.)  

  If you want to learn to better social skills, and learn more about attracting women, then yes, learn from me. Get my audio course.  If you want to read more good stuff, then learn from “Stephen Nash” or “Sinn”.  If you want to learn the piano, then hire a piano-teacher, and if you want to learn to play basketball better, then hire the proper basketball coach. 

There are some people who don’t sign up to be a guru, but end up being one by default because they’re such strong masculine figures.  My buddy Steve P. probably falls under that category but it doesn’t change the fact that he does great work to create change through hypno-therapy.  Steve is also a guy you can hang with, talk about movies, business, or MMA.  There are rare exceptions as I mentioned.

If you’re looking for a guru to be your father, then you’ll have to address that on your own.  I have enough understanding of social behaviors and dynamics to take full advantage of people seeking fathers, but it’s not my style.  It’s not who I am.  I’ll leave that to the guys who have all of the answers, who occasionally carry an Asian assistant behind them.  (I’m telling you: Look for the crony walking behind.)

 Then how will you know when you have arrived?  How will you know when you’ve had enough seminars to become enlightened?  How is anyone ever suppose to really know?  You know when you know!  (A truly guru-esque answer, btw. Thank you!)   You know when you’ve arrived at that point when you know what want to do, and now it’s a matter of doing it.  You start exploring the how, and by that I mean, you start exploring what specific actions you have to take. 

 Study those who are successful in that endeavor.  They know what they wanted to do, and then started doing it. Sometimes, it took them a while to get their act together, and if they’re famous, there maybe a mug-shot of them on some Internet website just for laughs. Sometimes it takes a few years to figure out your “Stuff” and along the way, you may stop at a few seminars, and read some books.  You’ll figure out and you’ll know you’ve arrived when you know that you don’t need any gurus anymore…. 

 I believe that gurus are only building on the same psychological principles that were started 1000s of years ago with the advents of prophets.   Whether it was Moses, Jesus or Muhammad, these individuals recognized that probably a good 80% of the population desperately needed a figurehead to give them answers, without which, they could not find purpose!  (This theme of Purpose & Identity is so ever recurring.) So these clever individuals took on that role.  Seriosuly, could you other wise sell that story about a guy living inside a whale?  But let’s get back to the modern day gurus… 

     Ultimately, you learn that no human being has ALL of the answers.  A little spirituality is good, but still, no person (or team of persons) has all of the answers.  Those who achieve great things have a drive that comes from within and they have a certain strength that they’re going to push forward.  This sense of achievement is not always material or financial.   Sometimes, it’s a simple story about an individual who had to learn to walk again after being told by doctors that he would not be able to ever walk again following a tragic accident. 

 It’s having the confidence in yourself that you’re going to get it done, and you shall find a way to do so.  Along the way, you’re going to learn a few things, including things about yourself, and certainly, there will be people/family/friends/coaches/teachers/professors who will contribute to this endeavor.

 Or so that is my finding. 

Cameron

The Guru Epidemic.

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Wise Guru

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Gurus are an interesting breed of people.  Quite frankly, I never knew any gurus until I entered this world of dating-advice where I came face to face with a multitude of gurus and they’re not always in dating arena.  There are plenty of self-help gurus out there and it’s definitely a multi-million dollar industry.

 The guru-epidemic is fascinating.  If you’ve read any portions of this blog, you know that I enjoy deconstructing behaviors of human beings, as well as looking at the social psychology of personal human interactions.   I’ve enjoyed doing this long before I ever found a dating-advice community.  Some people enjoy studying cells under a microscope, some people enjoy smoking various types of weed, and me, I enjoy looking the human character. 

 And man, let me tell ya, gurus are a fascinating bunch.  They present themselves as these perfect infallible creatures who have all of the answers and underlying that presentation is layered with undertones of “Holier-than-thou” snobbery that’d make an art critic blush.  Perhaps people who have all of the answers feel entitled to a notion of pomposity for the gifts that the universe has bestowed upon them.

  I have had a chance to personally spend time with many of these gurus and I am here to report my intriguing discoveries.  When you’re in awe of someone, you don’t see the angles.  At some point, I became of someone of equal stature to the gurus.  Being someone’s equal provides an entirely different perspective.   Gurus have a very unique social behavior that is specific to them, and after reading this, YOU too will be able to pinpoint it.

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•   The Appearance of Perfection:

Part of a guru’s selling point is the “All-knowing” frame.  This is an important part of the presentation because many people who seek self-help advice from gurus are seeking answers.  But it goes far deeper than that and I am going to get to that in a bit.  Stay tuned because we’re just getting started.

 To their subjects, Gurus are the embodiment of perfection.  It’s similar to how a 12 or 14 year old teenager has posters of his/her favorite idols.  We all go through that phase, but when you’re 12, it’s part of the process of growing up.  You’re friggin’ 12 years old.  When you’re in your 20s or 30s, (some cases men much older), you have to let go of the concept of a perfect humanoid.

Nevertheless, Gurus present an appearances of Perfection which is so ever appealing to the crowd of folks lined up looking to get a piece of that perfection.

*PS. Hidden Dating Tip: If you’re ever about to date a girl who thinks you’re perfect for some reason, you must admit some flaws about yourself.  Say you met someone in real life or on the Internet for that matter, and you’ve been chatting on the phone lots and she just thinks you’re perfect.  You’re setting her up for disappointment.  You don’t want your date ever being under that illusion.

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•   Limiting Time spent with Subjects

 Gurus will often not spend a lot of time with you.  You will have been very lucky to get an hour or two of their time. They’ll repeatedly tell you about how busy they are and how much they have going on.  Truth of the matter is, they CANNOT afford to spend too much time.  If they did, most people would become disenchanted with the guru.  They’d see, not only the guru is not perfect, but he is incredibly flawed.  For the most part, they’d see a lazy person who doesn’t do a whole lot, except talk.  Action is sorely lacking.  Talking is profusely prevalent. 

 Personally, I always have a chuckle when I hear a guru tell me about how busy he is.  Ron Livingstone’s character, Peter, from the movie “Office Space” is a bona fide workaholic compared to most gurus… But the catch is, you won’t get the chance to ever see that. ;-)

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•  Gurus’ Mode of Communication

  To me, this is the most fascinating part of the social-behavior of gurus.  Gurus do not have conversations or engage in dialogue.  They engage in monologues.  More accurately, they engage in lectures.  It’s a one-sided conversation where they lecture everyone else.  Much like a University professor in a classroom, they have one-sided conversation where they lecture everyone else.  Well, except for that the fact, once the college professor leaves the classroom, he is able to have normal conversation with his friends and peers.

 Self-help gurus never leave this mode.  Their only mode is “Lecture” mode where they will tell you how things are.  You could even be meeting them as equals on the same plain (Which in this case does apply to me), and yet they go to their lecture mode.  I find it fascinating, (and let’s be honest, their behavior gives me comedy material.  So I sit back and listen.)

 If you’re skeptical of this, I’d invite you to have an encounter with a guy who claims to have started the “Seduction Community” by the initials of RJ.  10 Minutes is all you’ll really need. 

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• Gurus Do Not really have Friends.

          
I know.  Shocking, isn’t?  Am I really serious about this one?

  Well, this one is really simple: If all you do is lecture people, what sort of people are you going to keep around?  Anyone worth a damn with decent self-esteem who has something going for himself/herself is not going to stick around very long. 

 Only highly insecure people are willing to stick around and spend time with someone who does NOT consider them equals.  You don’t have to be Einstein to figure this one out.

  By the way, WTF!  What’s with the friggin’ Asian assistant?

yes, I assistant to Guru.

 Some “Gurus” have an Asian assistant  Now, this is usually an Asian guy with a very thick accent who is very submissive.  I’ve yet to see an assitant was born and raised in the United States.   There are actually a few such gurus in the Seduction Community with such minions.  They have an Asian assistant who runs errands for them, keeps track of their appointments, and does daily activities. 

 These people are not paid any money or if they are, it’s minimal.  (Properly paid people would be employees.)  These assistants are people who are under the impression that if they hang around the Guru, somehow through osmosis, the guru’s perfection can rub off on them.  Hence, they offer free labor for the opportunity to be in the vicinity of the guru and be part of his life.   Pay close attention and you’ll see the Asian Assistant three steps behind the guru.  The assistant is a lackey who is virtually a free secretary.

 If you step away to look at it from a distance, you’ll note that this is very much a Master- Slave relationship. It’s a bit sad, but really, that’s what it reallyis.  It may be a willing slave not held captive against his will, but he is still a slave being treated like a 2^nd class citizen.

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• Gurus Cannot Function Well In Normal Society.

 If you’ve been following the article thus far, you know that gurus like to spent short amounts of time with people whom they can lecture, who in turn will not challenge them.  For this reason, most gurus cannot function in a normal house party, (Of course, there’ll be some exceptions always.)   By the way, we are not talking about a frat-party full of drunken 21 year olds.  It could be a sophisticated party.  It doesn’t matter.  Gurus are NOT used to people who assume equal stature to them.  They feel out of their element, and if they cannot lecture you, they will not participate. 

 Furthermore, a lot of gurus are just pretty fucking ignorant.  If they cannot talk about their one specialty (be it dating or whatever), they have nothing to say.  You could start a discussion regarding a hot current event such as providing Universal Health Care for all Americans.  They’ll have nothing to say because, well, they don’t know anything about it either way.   Take a guru to a non-assuming down to earth dinner party, and notice how they start to sweat like a whore in church.  They’ll have a very difficult time making small talk (that normal people make all the time)  about how the New Orleans Saints won the SuperBowl a few weeks ago, or anything else for that matter.  

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•  Gurus will shun you if you disagree: 

 This is the greatest cloak-and-dagger trick gurus ever pull.  They will never engage you in a discussion.  First, remember, that you are NOT their equal, so you’re really not in a position to disagree with the wise being.  If you do muster the courage to do so, you will fall out of favor with the guru and be shunned from the group.  You’re exiled and ashamed.  The majority of this blog’s readers are pretty smart people.  The blog tends to attract intellectuals, and some of you may think you can easily disprove a particular guru, but you’ll never have that opportunity.

 The one thing a guru will never ever EVER do is have a discussion based on reason, logic, and rational.  You want a concrete example?  OK, here you go:

You have an equation that reads as follows:  (2X + 10=20)  Solve for X.    Simple algebra tells you that X would equal 5.   But then, a guru may tell you a variety of numbers and you may try to prove to him that X equals 5, but you’ll never get the chance.

 You’ll be met with Vague references such as ,  “You have a scarcity mindset”  or “You don’t come from a place of Abundance.”  Hey, if you did, you’d know that X can equal 55, 21, or negative 5.  Only if you understood the “Laws of Abundance.”    (FYI, This is pretty much the point where the guru will walk away from you, by the way.) 

 You could try to reason, but it won’t work.  You may say, “But Ol’ Wise guru, I attempt to build a bridge.  If my calculations are off, the bridge will collapse and result in great tragedy.”  They’ll tell you that you don’t have enough faith, and perhaps you’re not confident enough.  They’ll find something along those lines and then walk away from you.

 The one thing a guru will never do with ANYONE is engage in a discussion of reason. 

1. Most gurus sell fluff. 
2. Even the ones who believe their own fluff still KNOW that they are not analytically blessed individuals. 

Luckily for the gurus, this situation does not come up.  Why?

1. People with high self-image do not hang around them.
2. People, who do stick around, are submissive to them.
3. The submissive folk run the risk of falling out of favor with the guru, so they won’t challenge him.

  That’s the beauty of being your typical guru:  Lack of accountability.   In a war, they’d call you a war-criminal and attempt to put you on trial.  In a guru-ship, they call you enlightened, and put you on a pedestal.

Just make sure most of your teachings are VAGUE statements that sound enlightened but could never be pinned down to anything specific.  You won’t be challenged, and if you are, you throw your vague teachings at them, and then ostracize them from the group.    

 So the guru will go around and just throw fluff out there. Sometimes there are truisms mixed in there to give you the appearance of legitimate philosophy.  Truisms are important because they satisfy people’s need for a tiny bit of rationale.  One self-proclaimed lifestyle guru (I’ve known personally) will actually tell you verbatim,  “The most important thing you have in this world is your time!” 

REALLY?  No kidding?  Was this the same excerpt taken from the same speech given to “Son of Jor-El from Planet Krpyton??”  

 Because maybe, these are earthlings  out there under false of impressions of immortality?    So, we needed reminders of this?  I could see how Superman (Son of Jor-El for the comic book challenged) would need a reminder every now and then.  He is immortal and bulletproof and so he could become complacent.  I think the rest of us are somewhat aware of the importance of time spent alive.

But this truism makes people have that typical enthralled reaction of “Uhhhhhh, ooooh”.   Heck, sometimes the proverbs might even get a slow-clap from the followers similar to the one Pacino’s character gets at the end of the “Scent of a Woman” (where he actually does make a compelling and thought provoking speech.)  [By the way, I admit it, I love the ”Slow-clap” in movies.) 

 Sometime the philosophy could even be a helpful to an advanced person, but useless to a beginner. Let’s say you just wanted to learn to throw a few punches and started a boxing class for the frist time in your life.  They’d teach you how to throw a “Jab” and a maybe “Cross.”  A few weeks later, they’d teach you how to throw a “Hook” punch and you practice those combos.

 A guru-equivalent would tell you that you just need to come from a place of abundance and need to go of your scarcity mentality.  That doesn’t change the fact that a jab is a jab, a cross is a cross, and a hook is a hook.  No matter how you cut it, you need to learn those basics at some point.  If your social skills, or Financial skills, are broken then you need to fix them, one step at a time.

You need to learn how initiate conversation, or learn how to start spending less & saving more, and so forth.  Baby steps, one step at a time.  Simple, devisable formula to get you going.  Fluff rhetoric sells and it’s guaranteed to have you back (Because it’s not going to solve your issues anyway.)  Hence, the real challenge at hand is formulating an actual plan that starts with some frame of reference. 

 If you want to grow your business, you need some sort of a reference point where you are, and a strategy that you can properly execute to get to the next level.  Sounds really simple, but sometimes, we can all get lost in the fluff.

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 You won’t fully realize the impact of this article until you do come face to face with a  guru one day.  At that point, you’ll probably scream, “Holy crap!  It’s exactly like what Cameron said.”  You’ll probably note that the guru will immediately take a position of higher authority to you on all issues, ignore subject matters your bring up which happen to be out of the league of his guruship, and he’ll shun you if you assume yourself his equal.  He will answer you with vague ambiguities that sound cool but due to their vagueness could be interested a 1000 different ways…

 And hopefully, having read this article, you’ll have a good laugh instead of feeling slighted or snubbed!  Just realize that you’re dealing with an individual who can’t have any real friends or meetings of the mind with peers… because he can only lecture his ever attentive & thirsty subjects who yearn more for the juice the guru wishes to feed them.

• SO WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE GO TO GURUS?

 Come on Cameron.  The picture you paint is not very flattering.  Why would people worship these individuals?

 The reason for why people flock to the gurus is an interesting social phenomenon by itself.  I’ll get to that in the next article where it becomes even more interesting and twisted…  Stay Tuned……

Cameron

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In the last article, I talked about what Charisma is and how you can go about developing it.   Remember that there are two main elements to charismatic individuals:  Their inner-working personal beliefs, and subsequently, the Behavior that exudes as a direct the result of how they’re particularly wired.  You can read that article here:

Defining Charisma & Charm – How to develop each

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Charm is different than Charisma.   I touched upon this briefly in the last article. Certain people such as JFK were extremely charismatic as well as charming.  Other historical figures such as General Patton were charismatic leaders who were not thought of as “Charming” by any historical account.

What’s the difference?  What creates Charm?  These are answers I had to go and research for myself to learn and so I came to realize the consistencies and patterns of those individuals, so let’s get to it.

People who are charming have the ability to make other people feel good, even if it’s for a very short period.  The definition is really that simple, but then, if it’s so simple, why can’t everyone be charming?  Surely, someone is to read this article at some point and think, “I try hard to make others feel good.  They don’t appreciate it, nor do they see me as charming.”   (By the way, trying hard to be charming is part of the problem, but I’ll get to that later.)

The reason is that charm has to come from a cool confidence.  It’s funny but until about a few years ago, I didn’t even know the word con-man really stood for “Confidence Man.”   I had assumed it somehow equated to a “Fraud” or a “Swindle.”   I was amazed to learn that the “Con” in Con-man actually stood for “Confidence.”   The people who can dupe you so easily sometimes are better known as “Confidence-men.”   Interesting, don’t ya think?   You don’t have to rip people off to be charming.  The point is that confidence from a cool reserved demeanor is a prerequisite for having Charm.

Noteworthy examples of Charming Individuals:

. Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton

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Two of the most famous notable charming people in recent history are United States Presidents Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama.  It’s not uncommon to hear reports of their “Charm” from random individuals recalling their encounters with these two Presidents.

Both Clinton and Obama possess that cool confidence and demeanor which is mandatory.  It’s an absolutely necessary ingredient one must possess before he/she can start making others feel good.

Once you have that baseline established, you can make people feel better about themselves, usually by giving compliments.  They don’t have to be cheesy compliments, but rather they can be appreciations for their work.  Even our current president Obama has this charm.  Obama and Bill Clinton don’t have anywhere close to the Charisma of JFK, but they do have the Charm factor.

It’s also the ability to relate to people.  Whether it’s lawyer or the farmer plowing the land, each one feels as though Clinton and Obama understand his situation to some degree.  This is also part of “Charm.”

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Barack Obama

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Bill Clinton has a fantastic memory and is able to recall names and faces of countless individuals he has come across.  This is part of his charm.  He is able to make people feel important, and those who have come to meet him personally, usually report what a charming man he is. If he can’t remember their name, he remembers the encounter which still has a significant impact on people’s emotions.

Individual like Dale Carnegie have written extensively about having the ability to make people feel good. “How to win friends & influence people” is a fine piece of writing that has stood the test of time.   I’ve read quite large chunks of the book and think that it is a fantastic piece of prose on creating rapport and improving rapport skills.  Yet, there is one area which Dale Carengie and his contemporaries failed to address: Social Value.

This single element of human-interpersonal relations is the most neglected factor by social psychologists, and self-help advisors such as Mr. Dale Carnegie.   Sometimes, people read these books in order to be able to become more attractive in the dating world.  It rarely ever works in gaining attraction because the mechanisms for human attraction require a different set of criteria than criteria for establishing rapport.  This is why men repeatedly fail to attract women even after reading works of Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries in the self-improvement business.  (It may be why you’re reading this article at this very moment.)

YES, to be charming, you’ll be served well to dish out compliments.  YES, it’s important that those compliments be sincere.  YES, these actions will make people feel good.

All of that is true, IF YOU HAVE PROPER SOCIAL VALUE. This is the piece of the puzzle that Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries missed.  People don’t always care for a barrage of compliments from those who have less social value. They LOVE compliments from those who have higher, or at least, equal social value. You may not meet Bill Clinton or Mr. Obama, but then, you may find yourself at a house party with a charming host.  Let’s examine that.

What made this party-host charming?  He made you feel good, important and welcomed in his house, but he did so from a place of non-needniess. In other words, he was not seeking your approval.  This is key.

Approval seeking compliments backfire where as non-approval seeking compliments charm.

A sincere non-needy compliment that is not fishing or seeking your approval from someone of respectable social value will charm you.  It’ll make you feel good, and accepted.  It’s a natural human trait to want to be accepted.  It’s almost hardwired in us from 100s of thousands of tribal living. No one likes being the outcast from the tribe.

Let’s remind ourselves that this charm is different than charisma.  So let’s revisit the party host who made you feel good, warm, and fuzzy.

-Did he galvanize you (or anyone else for that matter) to take action?   No.
-Was he inspirational or passionate?  Not necessarily.
-Did he have a strong sense of purpose?  Not necessarily.

The above are prerequisites for “Charisma” as I discussed in the previous article.   This particular host was charming.

What he had going for him was the fact that he came from a cool place of confidence. He has a “Cool” demeanor about him, and had recognizable social value.  Having established that, his compliments came across not as a vehicle to seek your approval but rather, as a sincere act of chivalry and generosity.

It made you feel chummy and cozy.  Hey, maybe it made you curl your toes and giggle.  Regardless, you left the encounter thinking, “Wow, Charming Fella.” It’s no different if Bill Clinton shook your hand and thanked sincerely for making the event and even cracked a joke for you to share.  You may hate his politics but you’ll probably still walk away thinking he was charming.

Again, a sincere “Thank you” coming  from someone of high social value carries weight and it has some meaning.  That same “Thank you” from someone of low social value will be very easily dismissed.  Simply put: As human beings, we love to be rewarded with approval from those whom we PERCEIVE to be of high stature.

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• Including you in the Fun

As I mentioned already, the ability to be charming is to INCLUDE and incorporate people in the fun.  You’re enrolling them into the club.  In other words, you’re giving them acceptance.   It’s natural for all human beings to want to be “Accepted.”  Whether it’s high school kids, or the repulsive hipster, they all want to be accepted, at the very least by their peer group.  The Hipster may snob his nose at upstanding members of society, but he still wants to be accepted by his peers and fellow “hipster douchebags.”

It’s part of our natural instinct as humans.  Again, we’re evolutionary wired to survive in groups and tribes working together and being accepted to our tribe is important.  Let’s not get lost in evolutionary psychology please.

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• Being Comfortable with oneself

If you want to be charming, you have to learn how to give other people the feeling of acceptance.  However, before you do that, you have to establish yourself as someone whose acceptance carries meaning! In order to establish that, you first have to be comfortable with yourself.  You can’t make others feel comfortable if you are not comfortable with yourself.  A compliment, regardless of how sincere, from a nervous, fidgety, insecure person will carry little meaning in teams of being charming or endearing.

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• Optimism

Another ingredient in being charming is optimism.  Being a positive & a happy guy/girl goes a long way in setting up the platform to become charming.  Hence, you have to find a happy medium with yourself first.  It’s difficult to be charming when you’re stressed out or “Bummed out.”

The appearance of not taking things too seriously goes along way in establishing this attitude of charm.  Remember incidents when you were a kid when you did something stupid and your parents or teachers admonished you.  It may have been a case where you knew you did something dumb but it was done and over with.  Nothing you can do, and yet you got scolded anyway.

Then you may have had that uncle (or a teacher perhaps) who just laughed it off and made it seem like it was no big deal.  Hey, maybe he even said something like, “Man, you should have seen the stupid shit I did when I was your age.  Learn and move on.”

He was the charming uncle or teacher.  He made you feel good by establishing an attitude of positivity and making you two feel like you were on the same team: Two individuals who made stupid mistakes at a very particular age.  He was optimistic and he related to your experience and immaturity of that age.

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• Dating application:

You too can apply this exact same dynamic to your personal encounters.  Let’s say you’re at a party talking to a girl you like, (Or say you’re a girl talking to a man you like), and you hear the other person confess to a dumb recent mistake.

Some people will overly sympathetic, and will want to probe & ask a 100 questions about the details.  Others will want to provide solutions immediately.  You can be charming by taking the path of the charming uncle.  You can discuss the issue briefly and then quickly share something dumb that you did, but not to TOP the other person’s story. (Topping others’ stories is a very repulsive quality.)  You share your mistake QUICKLY, and then say something to the tune of, “Man, we all make dumb mistakes at some point, but hey, guess we wouldn’t be who we are without them…”

If that sounds too cheesy, change it to what sounds natural coming out of your mouth.  You don’t have to use what I wrote verbatim.  It’s just so that you get the idea.

Socialites are many times charming individuals.  In some parts of the world, the aristocratic folk are taught and raised to be charming.  They’ve learned to make people feel good by saying the right things.

Coincidentally, this is one dynamic where you may find the Charismatic leader diametrically opposed to the “Charming & smiling” individual.  The Charismatic leader has a cause and a purpose that drives him.  Nothing will sway him otherwise.  If general Patton says, “We’re going to take that Hill/castle/bunker” then you better believe everyone will fall in line.  He is not going to be understanding of those who may not agree. He is not going to charm you by making you think that your disagreement matters a whole lot.

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The Cocky Charmer

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A good example of a super famous charming individual is Arnold Schwarzenegger.   I’d like to give you a broad spectrum of various charmers and Arnold is very different than Clinton or Obama.  You’ll notice this while watching Arnoold’s interviews.  A good example can be witnessed in the beginning of the 1975 documentary “Pumping Iron.”  We see Arnold go to a gym to start gearing up for a new competition.  You can see his charm right away, even in the way he tells the skinny guys working in the gym, “Hey, I am here to get big like you guys. Hahahah. ”

Yes, it’s very cocky and a little bit condescending, but on the same level, he is applying to what I talked about earlier:  He is getting everyone involved in the fun.  Despite his arrogance, he is making the skinny guys feel like they’re on board with the Arnold. He is (obviously) not complimenting  the Skinny dudes, but he is making them feel involved as though they’re part of the team.  This in, essence, is part of his charm.  A common misconception is that you have to be a sweet-understanding person and Arnold shatters that misconception.

The interesting thing is that if you live in Los Angeles, you’re going to inevitably hear a lot of anecdotal stories of personal encounters of everyday folk with celebrities.  We can all agree that one story from one individual does not present an accurate presentation of the person discussed.  However, you hear enough personal anecdotes from enough people and you’ll find consistency patterns a majority of the time.  I mention this because it directly applies to Arnold and his brand of charm.

The fascinating thing about Arnold is that he is NOT a charming individual with all people.  He turns it on and off.  If he believes that you have enough social-value to be important, he will be very charming, and if he deems you as a low-status person, he can be a complete unkind & cruel prick.  In some ways, you can make the case for him as the “Charming-asshole.”

He knows how to be charming and applies to get ahead in life, in order to get what he wants.  It’s a very intriguing character study.  He is definitely a hard worker and very driven, and he is a fascinating study of charm because he is charming despite being a supremely arrogant individual.

In another interview, I observed Arnold tell the interviewer, (Imagine his famous thick accent in your mind here)   “You know you could go work out all day long, everyday, you could lift weights, go hiking,  and no matter what, you’d never ever get sore…  You know why? Because bones don’t get sore. You’re so skinny.  Hahahahah”

OK, no one said he was a comedian!  These jokes are atrocious, but these terrible jokes are part of his charm, and despite being condescending, that interviewer will walk away thinking, “Man, he is a charming nice guy.”

It’s important to mention Arnold here for he proves that you don’t even have to be humble to be charming, nor do you even have to compliment people.  His charm is counter to the charm of someone like George Clooney.
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Clooney

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Clooney, as well as being charming, is also a charismatic as he has a cause that he will stand up & fight for.  Anecdotal stories about George Clooney are also consistent in Los Angeles: He is an extremely charming individual.  The difference is that Clooney’s charm is genuine.  Perhaps a better explanation would be:  Non-discriminatory.   He’ll be charming to an attractive woman, but he’ll also be charming to the disheveled guy working for minimum wage at a job he hates.   He’ll be just as friendly to a hotel clerk as he’ll be to a tycoon businessman.  For this reason, he is very well liked.

In direct stark contrast with Arnold, George Clooney uses a lot self-deprecating humor.  You’ll notice this works well for him because it enables people to be able to relate to him, and again, makes people feel as though he is just one of them.  It gives him a more human dimension.  I don’t think it’s contrived or planned out.  It’s his natural way of being just as Arnold is naturally arrogant.  Yet, they both can charm others.

Clooney’s charm stems from the fact that the disheveled bitter guy working for 6 dollars an hour will feel like the 3 minutes he spent with Clooney somehow made his life better.  This is the same experience that Obama would provide.    The same disheveled hapless individual would be probably be shunned by Arnold and treated like a peasant who shouldn’t have even looked him in the eye.  (Yes, I’ve come across both of these stories from various people in L.A.)

What’s the point of the Clooney vs. Schwarzenegger comparison?  It’s that you don’t even have to be genuine to be charming.  You can be charming when you choose to be when the moment is right for self-serving gains.  Is it cool? No.  Is it a fact of life? Yes. I suppose you could make a case that Arnold’s charm is also sincere towards the people he deems important.  If you can’t help him financially, politically or career wise, then he is very sincerely going to be very standoffish.   (PS.  I’ve never met either person, so all of this is based on numerous anecdotal stories of other people.)

However, let’s put that judgment aside.  Point of this article is to explore charm, and give you ideas on HOW YOU CAN BECOME MORE CHARMING IN YOUR INTERACTIONS.

You just have to make the feel like they’re part of the team, provided you have somewhat of a high-status yourself.  Again, no one wants to jump on board a sinking ship.

Whether it’s Presidents JFK, Clinton or Obama, or a movie-star like Clooney, or just a non-famous random individual, their charm arises from the fact they are able to make the people they come in contact with feel good.  They compliment people and give them acceptance.   On the other side, someone like Arnold is a bit condescending and arrogant, and still charms people.  One common element is that they are all people who are comfortable with themselves, positive, and enable to incorporate others in the fun.  In other words, they make other people feel like they’re on board the same team.

OK, I touched on a lot of different points in this article.  I’ll provide a summary so you can look into the specific elements of what behaviors a charming individual displays and what elements play an essential role  in creating a charming person.

RECAP.

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Charming individuals ARE:

• Generally Happy
• Comfortable with themselves.
• Optimistic
• Establish an easy going demeanor
• Generally Higher Status
• Relate to people and their issues

Complimenting other people:

• Must be from non-approval seeking disposition.
• Must be sincere
• Must be not-needy.
• Coming from higher social value.
• Can’t be kissing their ass.

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Differences in Charming people as opposed to Charismatic people:

• Don’t have to have a strong sense of purpose
• Not necessarily passionate,
• Not necessarily believing in any cause,
• In some case, Are willing to say the right thing even if they don’t believe it.
• Not necessary to be very passionate
• Not necessary to have extreme sense of purpose or charismatic leadership qualities.

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Charming individuals make other people FEEL GOOD Through:

• Make people feel good through compliments
• Make people feel good through relating to their issues
• Make people Feel good by granting others the feeling of acceptance.
• Make people feel good by incorporating them into the team
• Make people feel good by including them in the fun, as part of the In-crowd
• Make people feel good by making them think that they are important

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Of course, in order to accomplish the above, you must have the necessary elements taken care of: Carrying yourself as a high-status person would, and being comfortable with yourself armed with a bit of social intelligence.  If you don’t have those basics, you’ll probably never be considered charming.  If you think you need help on the basic, a good place to start is my ebook or audio course.

When you have the basics down, you can utilize the above elements to create a more charming persona if that’s what you wish to do.

Cameron

PS.  The articles you just read will have profoundly improve your dating life!  Please realize it’s supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work.  Get a copy of my 16 CD  Audio Course here:  Building Attraction with Women

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What are they?  Are there differences between the two?  Can you develop Charisma or Charm?

If so, how?

There was a time I really wanted to understand what made someone Charming.  I understood Charisma on some level but I didn’t really get the notion of what elements made someone charming.  Problem was no one else could define it either.  19-years old in a university full of professors, and I couldn’t find anyone to give a straight answer.

I mean you could ask the professor who has a PH.D in sociology from a distinguished university and all he could give you was some fluff that couldn’t really deconstruct the elements.  If professors in psychology, philosophy, or sociology couldn’t define it, then who could?  There wasn’t even an Internet database where you could conduct searches on Google.

So, I had to find my own answers. Textbooks didn’t have it, and nor did any professors. I wish I had some sort of a noble intention but I really wanted to know because I knew charm was a good quality to possess in attracting women, and when you’re 19 years old, that’s a very serious issue.  It took me a while, and I sort of went the long in doing all of this, lots of trial & error, mixed up with various individuals, lots of reading, experimenting, essentially absorbing data like a sponge and writing analysis based on that data.  Eventually, however, I was able to not only understand it intuitively, but even able to explain to others cognitively.

So then, what is CHARM? What is CHARISMA?  Are they the same or is there a difference?  Can you become more charming or charismatic?  If it’s possible, then how do you do that?

Well, it’s Valentine’s day, and so here is my Valentine’s day gift to you, the Blog reader:  An Article to provide insight in order to enable you develop these characteristics.

Being Charismatic and charming are two different behaviors and while they affect each other, they operate on separate plains.   You can be charismatic and not very charming, but in order to be charming, you need a little charisma.  Not a lot, but you do need a little bit of it.  Before going any further, we need a baseline & agreeable description of each quality.

First we have Marian-Webster Dictionary definition:

*Charisma:   A personal magic of leadership arousing special popular loyalty or enthusiasm for a public figure (as a political leader)79856320

*Charm:  A trait that fascinates, allures, or delights. B: A physical grace or attraction- used in plural <her feminine charms>  C: compelling attractiveness <the island possessed great charm>  Charimg: extremely pleasing or delightful.

Those were the “Official” definitions.    I’ll personally provide the following general layman definition:

*Charisma:  Charismatic is being magnetic and inspirational.  Magnetic is perhaps the perfect word here because it describes the ability to attract people.  More so, being charismatic implies that one has the ability to inspire people.

*Charming:  Charming is essentially having the ability to make people feel good.  Unlike being charismatic, you don’t have to necessarily be passionate or inspirational to be charming.

So let’s start with those general definitions.  The next is a step by step break down to deconstruct what each one is, using historical figures who depict those qualities.  In order to illustrate these behaviors and paint a more clear picture, I’m going to utilize various historical figures who depicted and exhibited these behaviors.

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What is Being CHARISMATIC?

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People who are charismatic are able to lead and sway people’s emotions.  Leadership in this context takes on a very interesting connotation.  It’s not merely enough to want to force people to do something, but rather, the more important distinction is to realize that leaders have the ability to inspire people to WANT to do something.  It is this innate ability to inspire people’s desire level to take action that separates charismatic leaders from the rest.

In essence, charismatic figures are able to lead by swaying people’s emotions.  They do so through inspiring them, and essentially, they galvanize people to take action.

But how?

They have a unique ability to allow people to see the bigger picture.  They’re able to move people emotionally through allowing them to see the bigger picture of life, of how they can be better.

Essentially, they have the ability to allow people to see a better version of themselves in the future.  Not too many individuals were better at doing this than John F. Kennedy.  Growing up, he was one of the people I idolized even though he had long passed away before I was even born.  Nevertheless, I was inspired enough to read more about him, and get my hands on various pieces of literature regarding his life and times. As a result, I was able to learn quite about him which will serve well in the following examples.

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John F. Kennedy

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JFK had the ability to project a better self-image onto people.  This is supremely powerful. Human beings by nature want to believe that they are noble.  They want to believe that they are better than they think they are at this very moment.  They look to those who can make them feel dignified.

If you ever watch Oliver Stone’s film “Nixon,” you’ll see an unforgettable scene featuring a memorable quote towards the end of the film.  Disgraced from the Presidency and the White House, Richard Nixon is getting ready to step down as President.  While walking the hallway, he sees an oversized portrait of John F. Kennedy.  Upon seeing this, a disenchanted and shameful Nixon utters,

When they look at you, they see what they want to be, when they look at me, they see what they are…

It’s one of the most profound quotes you’ll ever hear in a movie and nowhere is the difference in Charisma better explained in such short words than in that quote.

People are resistant to a negative self-image of themselves.  Even if the individual in question is the thief, liar, or the conniving con-artist backstabber, he still wants to believe that he could be noble if the circumstances were different.  When they look at John F. Kennedy, they are somehow reminded that they can be better. John F. Kennedy makes you feel and believe that you can be better, and he inspires you to be better.  When that same swindler sees Richard Nixon, he is reminded of what he actually is.

So then how was John F. Kennedy able to accomplish this?  How was he able to galvanize the masses to take action?

It starts with passion.  That person has to bring forth an easily distinguishable amount of passion. He has to present that passion from a place of sincerity.  In essence, that passion has to come from his soul, if you will.  It has to rise from within.  It’s difficult to fake that sort of passion.

So then, why is it that some people have that passion and some don’t?  What creates that difference?

In order to answer that, we have to yet dig one level deeper.  When we dig deeper, and delve deeper, we once again find ourselves looking at Purpose & Identity.  Purpose & Identity create an unmistakable quality that is very transparent.  People may not be able to define it but they can recognize it.

People who have a strong sense of self (Identity), and a strong sense of purpose have what is, in my opinion, the most attractive quality: Certainty.

Certainty is the most attractive quality a person can have.  (And if you’ve read my Ebook, you’d know this already.)  I’ve never heard another person say this, nor have I heard any dating “gurus” discuss it.  Nevertheless, I am sure of it.  Certainty, certainly is the most attractive quality.

“Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac,” is an old cliché, but really it’s not power that people really are talking about, it’s strength.  (Read my article, Strength.    ) And that strength is generated from with in because you have to have certainty.

It’s Certainty in your purpose & Identity which then forms certainty in your beliefs. This certainty manifests itself in the way you speak, in the way you carry yourself, and in your overall actions.

Why this is the most attractive quality is outside the scope of this discussion .  However, this attraction applies in the dating world, and to your dating life as well.  Interestingly enough, it also applies to world leaders who want to inspire people to action.

It’s with conviction and resolve that JFK stands on a podium and tells the masses that we are going to put a man on the moon before the end of the decade. He believes it, and more importantly, he makes us believe it, even though the technology to accomplish this task is not even in place yet.

 He creates the Peace Corps, a volunteer organization that allows people to serve humanity in 3^rd world countries for very little pay.  This is done so with passion, purpose and it also gives people the ability to see the bigger picture, and a better version of themselves and it is carried out with certainty.

 John F. Kennedy, through consensus by almost all eyewitness account was also a very charming individual.  Yet, you don’t have to be charming to be a charismatic individual.

 You don’t even have to be “Good” in the clichéd definition of that word.  There are characters in history who have been widely recognized as charismatic and they weren’t necessarily charming and sometimes they weren’t even necessary nice guys.

 As a simple example, most historians and people in general would describe Hitler as a very charismatic individual and almost no one would ever describe Hitler as “Good.”  This is a case where we could throw around the word “Evil” and even the most foo-foo pansy new-age type person would dare not disagree with us.   Yet, the tyrant was able to galvanize people to take action because he had certainty, conviction, and had a strong purpose. He also was able to project a better self-image onto people by promising them a better tomorrow.

 His ability to lead people to see things through his eyes is perhaps in the same mold as the modern day religious leaders and evangelists you see on TV. They all have a certain passion for something, and believe in that cause.  That cause doesn’t necessarily have to be a humane cause, but the believers must believe that they’re doing the right thing.

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George S. Patton

 You could make a strong case for WWII, United States general George S. Patton being a charismatic leader.  Patton is regarded as an astute tactician, a great leader, and a charismatic individual.  By all historical accounts, Patton is by no means considered a charming individual.  He was a proverbial “Hard-Ass” and didn’t take shit from anyone, and yet, his attitude commanded respect from his soldiers and peers alike.  George S. Patton is recognized as perhaps the best in field leader of that war.

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Earvin Magic Johnson

 In the Sports world, basketball player Ervin “Magic” Johnson is generally regarded as a very charismatic individual.  Magic Johnson is an interesting case, because he has redefined his sense of purpose over the years.  A kid with a perpetual enormous grin on his face, he set out to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time.  He went on to establish himself in the eyes of many (and certainly me) as the greatest basketball player who ever played the game.

 After prematurely retiring from the game, he went on to build a business empire of sorts becoming far more financially successful in business than he ever was in basketball.  His purpose of being a great basketball player shifted to being an ultra successful businessman and father.  Does his name warrant being mentioned in the same article as Patton and JFK?  Well, before you decide, you have to see the overall picture of what Magic had to deal with.

 It’s important to note that in 1991, Magic Johnson contracted the HIV Virus.  Also, in 1991, people thought of that as death sentence.  Yet, there stood on the podium, the only one believing that he was going to beat the virus, and continue living.

 To throw the towel in at that point would have been easy and yet his strong sense of purpose and identity enabled him to move forward and make progress.  In this case, just staying alive by itself took purpose, and perhaps, it was his strong sense of purpose that gave him the passion to live. Magic Johnson is inspirational in the sense that his life’s goals may have changed but his passion for life and his purpose remained unaffected.

 Going from one of the top basketball players ever to a successful businessman while contracting a disease most folk considered a death sentence, Magic remained purposeful and still moved forward while inspiring people.   In 2010, Magic is still living an active productive life running multiple business while finding time to do occsasional commentary on basketball shows.  In the midst of all this, it is forgotten that he wasn’t even supposed to be around at this point.

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In a nutshell:

Whether they are individuals we consider “Good” or “Evil”, and regardless of whether they push for forward-progress or tyranny, charismatic individuals are passionate individuals whose sense of passion arises from a strong identity and a very clear strong purpose.  Regardless of whom we are discussing,  JFK, Martin Luther King Jr. or Fidel Castro, the aforementioned charisma stems from the fact that they are able to move people emotionally.

They are able to galvanize people to action, inspire them, and project onto them a better image of themselves.  They are able to give the masses a better self-image & the chance to be noble,  as well as able to unite the masses for a common cause. They carry this out with certainty, fervor, and passion.

You can use this information to create more charisma in your personality whether you want to be more successful in dating or if you’re a college kid who plans to run for political office one day.  The elements of charisma do not change.  Without delving into too much detail and psychobabble, I am going to provide a bullet point & concise list of what creates charisma, and what you need in order to develop it.  I discussed two main elements:  The behavior of a charsimatic individual, as well as the personal inner-working of such individuals that makes them what/who they are:

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Charismatic Individuals:

• Extremely Passionate People
• That passion stems from a strong sense of Purpose & Identity
• Possess Certainty
• Certainty is the most attractive quality.
• Again, that certainty in their beliefs fuels their unbridled, unwavering passion.

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Charismatic individuals are able to:

• Utilize that passion & Purpose to inspire people,.
• Galvanize people to action
• Enable people to see the bigger picture
• Help them imagine how they can be better  (project onto them a better self-image)
• Appeal to a higher cause than the self. (Make humanity better, a better place for their children, homeland, etc…)
• Unite people based on a common cause
• Appeal to people sense of wanting to be magnanimous

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Charismatic individuals are not necessarily charming individuals.  Charm is a different characteristic and one that I’ll deconstruct in the next article.  In the meanwhile, you can use the information above to take an introspective look at yourself, discover where you can make improvements and adjustments, and develop more charisma in everyday life & your relationships.

Cameron

PS.  The articles you just read will have profoundly improve your dating life!  Please realize it’s supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work.  Get a copy of my Ebook here: Building Attraction with Women

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 Like you, I’ve read my fair share of self-help advice.  I’ve listened to enough people, and have taken from it what I can.  It can be a slippery slope however.  Too often, self-help becomes sort of a religion where people become void of independent thought, and depended upon their guru of choice.  Phrases such as “Keep Your Power” and “Don’t give you power away” become common place cliches.

How do you create that power?  Some say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.   If so how do you get it?  There are all sorts of techniques out there as to how to create the illusion that you’re powerful, and there is much advice to the tune of “Don’t give your power away” or “Keep your power” in the dating realm and interpersonal relationships between human beings in general.  (Be it lovers, coworkers, your boss, and so forth.)

But then, you have to wonder, is power merely a position?  Do you have to be appointed to some sort of a higher position to have power?   Certainly, someone can point to a dictator and say he has power.  He can order executions at will, and controls the army.  But that’s really not the kind of power we are after, (And if that’s what you seek, you’re reading the wrong blog.)

So perhaps power is the wrong word to use here.  Dating-coaches specially talk about “Hey, keep your power.  Don’t give it away.”  Certainly, it’s well intentioned, but power is not about control over other people.  Really, what it comes down to is personal power.  The personal power you have over your own actions, and you don’t need to attend 25 Tony Robbins seminars to gain control of it.  It’s power over things YOU Can control, your decisions, ideals, emotions, and actions.

I’d say what we’re really talking about is Strength.

Strength is what we’re after in this realm.  Not physical strength, but rather,  mental strength.  Mental strength is what separates many phenomenal athletes from just the good ones.  Personal strength is respected, whereas power often times enforced.

So how do we build that strength?  I believe that strength is built through accomplishing goals. To be more specific, setting up small tasks and accomplishing them.  Much like physical strength, it’s built in increments.  If you were going to make it a goal to lift 200 pounds (or whatever,) and all you can lift right now is 50, then you would need to build that strength.  You’re not jumping from 50 to 200 overnight.  But you can build the strength gradually.

Same comes with mental strength.  It’s built over a period of time, but it’s stuff no one teaches you in school. They teach you everything else but there is no class on how to create resolve and what you want.

Strength is about resolve, it’s about not compromising, and it’s about keeping and acting in line with your ideals and values.

A good example of Strength is action is the popular movie “Gladiator” starring Russell Crowe.  In watching the film we find 2 central characters:   We have Caesar’s replacement played by Juaqin Phoenix; and we have Russell’s character Maximus.

We love Maximus, but can’t stand the new Caesar.   Maximus has strength, the Caesar has power.  Maximus’s strength comes from within, where as Caesar’s power was given to him by the position he was awarded.  Nobody watches that movie and likes Caesar, though clearly he rules the entire land.  With the pointing of his thumb, he can decide the fate of a man, and yet he fights to have any sort of respect through his reign.  Yet, no one walks away from that film wishing he were that Caesar character.  People walk away wanting to be similar to the Maximus character for he represents all of the things we wish we were.

Maximus stands for ideas and virtues that we respect, or wish we could have:  The ability to stand for what we believe in, loyalty, valor, courage, and follow-through.   He stands for strength and honor, and it’s the reason why such characters throughout the history of cinema as well as literature have been revered.

All of that seems great and flowery perhaps, but where does it leave you?  A lot of men who seek advice online are seeking that strength in their relationships.  It may be in approaching women, feeling better about themselves, or maintaining a better relationship with their girlfriend/wives.

Sometimes this issue is compounded by a philosophy of “Get laid at any cost” which certain people tend to possess and pass down.  Walking away from a situation as an option, because then you didn’t get laid with that particular girl, and hence you lost.  That certainly is one perspective, but keep in mind that it’s just one perspective, and if you were to observe men who are most successful in attracting women, you’d find that those who do display personal strength are far ahead of those who do not.

Yes, in other words, our character Maximus would do far better in attracting women, and the friendship of other men than would your average “Compromise yourself to brag that you got laid at any cost” person.

Here is what it all comes down to: A person possess certain ideals and values which he is not willing to compromise, be it in dating or whatever the scenario may be.  Here is a quick dating example just for kicks:   An attractive girl you’re talking with (or dating) talks negatively about a friend of yours whom you hold in high regard.  What do you do?

Do you tell her that you hold that person in high regard, and while she is certainly entitled to her opinion, you’re not going to stand for your friend being slandered?  Or Do you say nothing  hoping that your silence will enhance your chances of getting laid?

There is difference in strength and intestinal fortitude.  Again, to hammer the point home, it’s the reason we admire Maximus.  We know beyond any doubt that if he were our friend, he’d speak up in that situation.

It’s that he will stand for his ideals.  It’s why the following photograph is one that is infinitely powerful and timeless:

Man vs. Tank

A man versus tank is the equivalent of a mouse challenging an elephant.  Yet, that guy is willing to stand there and face the consequences, while standing up for his values and his ideals.

Strength comes from within.  It’s easy to be the guy in the tank.  It’s not easy to stand up knowing you may get flattened into a pancake by that tank.  That’s the difference in strength.  The guy inside the tank has power.   The guy standing in front of it has strength!!

“All of this Strength-talk is great, Cameron!  How do you build it?”

Strength is built by setting up small goals, and then, accomplishing those small goals. Every single time you accomplish one such goal, you build strength.  You build resolve. Some people call it character.

Lacking resolve and strength of character, people turn to all sorts of mythical creatures, invisible genie in the universe who brings you things while you sit on your behind making demands.  But you and I know better than that.

You know best where you’re at in life. You know your own strength level and different people are at different points.  It’s not a judgment on who is better or stronger.  It’s simply knowing where you are and where you want to go.  If you need more strength to get where you’re going, then you need to start by making small changes, taking those incremental steps.

It’s really the only way to do it.  Don’t take my word for it, however.  Study the lives of historical figures and you shall find the same pattern.   Whether your goal is to achieve great things, get a new job, or simply lose 50 pounds of fat, it starts with setting up small goals and knocking them down.

You may say to me, “This is a dating blog and this advice doesn’t help me immediately.  If I attend a house party, I still don’t know what to say to a girl standing nearby.  I don’t know how to make proper conversation and flirt, and etc, etc, etc………..“

That’s a fair point. This article is not about approaching, what to say, how to flirt, obviously.  Those are skills you learn as you go along (and yes my 16 CD audio course is a great resource for this), and yet, you have to still realize that there is a balance to be struck.

As for me personally, I’ve learned that you have to take steps to build strength, and to put it in layman’s terms, you don’t jump from lifting 50 pounds to 500.  The guy who wins the most Valuable player award in professional sports didn’t get there in one giant leap either.  It took guts and it took courage and along the way, he also built strength.

You have to find ways to bolster your identity, who you are, what you stand for, and what you project on to the world.  Since this blog is dedicated to the dating, then it ought to be mentioned that those things [Identity & Values] cannot be determined by the validation of women in a nightclub.  Just as similar, if you’re a woman, that identity can’t be determined by what sort of a man you date or how wealthy of a man you land.

Strength comes from within.

It’s that simple.

Again, how do you build strength? One inch at a time.  It’s the inches around us that add up.

In fact, who is better at giving long motivational speeches than Al Pacino?  Pretty much, No one.  And let’s be honest, when you have Oliver Stone as Director and Pacino as lead actor, you have the movie making equivalent of an orgasm.   So with all of that mind, sit back, blast that volume high, and watch the Inch by Inch Speech from the end of “Any Given Sunday”:

“Because we know when we add up all those inches, that’s gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing.”

 Cameron

PS.  The article  that you’ve just read will significantly impact your dating life..  Please realize that it is supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work. Get a copy here:   Building Attraction Audio Course