The Story of, Dick, In The Seduction Community

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 Richie was a good man, meant well, and had a group of friends he hung out with.  Clean cut kid, 22 years old and fresh out of college, he found himself still struggling to get girls.  Sure, he had his cast of friends, but he was never the popular kid in high school.  College was an improvement but it still didn’t get Richie consistent results.  He was a very likable kid his friends would say.   Unable to attract girls he desired and feeling the frustration of one too many Saturday nights alone, he sought to find a solution to his dilemma.   He took refuge on the Internet.  Spending time alone, he finally succumbed to it.  He did a Google search one lonely Friday night. 

 There he was, doing an Internet search on “How to attract girls” and he stumbled upon the…..(drum roll please)…..”Seduction Community.”  He found a site named “Fast Seduction” filled with advice from various gurus.  There was a plethora of advice from gurus all around the globe who all had online handles and clever pseudonyms.

 That’s how Richard came to the seduction community. He voraciously read every piece of advice and went out to try it.  Whatever he had done up to that point hadn’t really worked, so how much worse off could he be?  He couldn’t get worse.  So he read, and went out talked to girls.  He started posting on the forums and kept a log of his track record. He started having some success.  He finally had something to say to girls and could strike up conversations with them.  Hey, this stuff was giving him some results!  Finally!! 

 The guys providing the advice referred to themselves as “Pick Up Artists” abbreviated to   “PUA” for short.  The people in this community loved acronyms and there was no shortage of them to find.  Religiously, Richie read and practiced the advice of the PUAs, as these were the greatest self- touted ladies men across the globe.  Richie wanted to meet them.  Who wouldn’t? 

 That opportunity arose when a famous pick up artist came to town to speak for free at a small lair meeting.  This was Richie’s chance to meet a guru in the flesh.  This was the time. This was the beginning of meeting famous PUAs.   This speaker was not just a PUA.  He was an “MPUA” [Master PUA].  Apparently, that’s a higher echelon of pick up artistry.   He went by the online name, T.D. (Short for Touch Down.)

•     Interior- Day time- Gathering inside a dimly-lit room. 

We see 20 poorly dressed guys sitting around anxiously listening to Master “Pick Up Artist, Touch Down” Speak.

.

Touch Down [TD]:
 My name is TD. 
Do any of you know why that is?
 That stands for Touch Down!
 That’s because I score with 99 out of a 100 girls I talk to. 
  Can any of you do that? 
No, because you’re all lame assess. 

Richie is excited.  Wow!  Imagine that!  99 out of a 100!  The mythical Greek Gods couldn’t and wouldn’t claim such numbers.    Suddenly, he is snapped out of his Daze.  TD is speaking to him!

TD
 Take a look at that outfit.  Would a hot woman ever be caught
with a guy dressed like you?  No…  You need to wear something edgy. 
Like a fishnet mesh shirt.  
 What is your name?

Richie realizes he has been chosen. 

Richie
 My name is Richie, Sir. 

TD
 See, there you go.  You answered my question too fast. 
You’re once again showing you’re a lame ass.  

Richie
Sorry, sir.

TD
You lame ass.  Don’t apologize. 
You aspire to be an MPUA? You should never apologize. 
 Alpha men do not apologize. 

 Richie is confused.

TD
Your name is lame.  How do you expect to get a 10 with that name? 
Your new name is PUA Dick!  Dick is short for Rich,
but also has a sexual connotation to it. 
 Do you think a hot girl would date Richie??

.

Richie takes a moment to think.  He is not sure where this line of questioning is headed. 

TD
Answer my questions immediately. 
Don’t pause too long, it shows weakness. 

.

Rich is now really confused.

TD
Richie is a weak name.  From now you’ll be called Dick.

 Riche
But I like Richie.  All my friends call me by it. 

TD
Shut up.  Do you want to get laid? 
Many powerful and Machiavellian men have been named Dick. 
 Tricky Dick Nixon, Dick Cheney, Dick Hussein. 

Richie,
Awww, I am pretty sure it was Saddam.

TD
Shut the fuck up.  Never correct an MPUA. Did I not tell
You know why I am called Touch Down? 
Because I can score with any woman I want anywhere.  I can walk outside
 and get and any  model as a girlfriend.  You’re a lame ass. 
You’re an expert?  You read history books? 
While you’re busy reading your history and biographical books,
I am busy getting laid by supermodels.    Don’t ever correct me again. 
Plus Saddam means “Dick” in Iraqi language. 

Richie
OK.  Thanks for the help. 

TD
There you go again.  You’re such a lame ass. 
 You show weakness and lower value by saying thanks. 
If you want to be an MPUA, you need to drop that.
You’re now PUA Dick Striker.

.

So Richie became a Dick. 

 Immediately fascinated, Richie stars immersing himself even more in the seduction community.  After all, thus far, he has learned a few good things that have helped him.  He now starts studying every piece of information he can get his hands on every different camp.  He studies a method popularized by someone named “Intrigue.”  He learns a style of “Insulting Asshole” by a character named Michelangelo.   He studies post by a snobby PUA called  “Fashion.”   It all starts as innocent fun trying to meet a few girls.

  Unknowingly, something weird happens.  Something, deep, dark and ugly that completely sneaks its way in under the radar.  Along the way, he adapts the mindset, belief systems, and mental processes of the people whom he admires. He worships these people.   He believes them to have the keys to happiness in life.  He feels a strange loyalty because now Richie actually has met girls, gone on dates, and even has had sex with some women.

 Richie is infatuated with the Pick Up Artists.  He takes on their personas.  He adapts their beliefs.  He looks at the world through their eyes.  Little does Richie know that he is adopting the mindset, beliefs, and behavioral patters of people whom he admires, are those of sometimes-deranged people.  They range from manic-depressive, to suicidal, to superficial, to unhappy manipulative sociopaths who plot and plan their every move. 

 Richie no longer has any of the friends he had before he entered the community.  His friends all call themselves “PUAs” and they have their language.  Richie has stopped all his hobbies.  His new hobby is posting field-reports, getting back to his friends to compare notes about what girls they met.

 Pretty soon, Richie is unhappy.  Richie is depressed.  Richie develops paranoia, always anxious about what people are trying to get from him.  He looks at everything as a mechanical process, as though he were a programmed robot.   Someone sneezes, and Richie says, “Bless you,” and immediately is proud of himself because instantaneously thinks to himself, “Hey, I am giving Value” but then he worries he was being Beta. Paranoia sneaks in his head.  “Would an Alpha male say Bless you?”  Perhaps it’s showing Lower Value.  Fuck!  It’s all so confusing.  His thoughts are turning on him. 

 Someone is over at his house and the poor bastard has to take a piss so he asks Richie to use the toilet.  Richie thinks, “Whoa, this dude is now taking value from me.”  It does not occur to Richie that normal well-adjusted human beings do not think this way.  Full-blown sociopaths do.  Rich has taken on sociopath thinking. 

 Richie is really unhappy.  See, Richie is NOT really a sociopath.  He is a normal dude with emotions who just needed to become better with girls. He is actually a good dude, and is a likeable person.  He just needed to tweak a few things, but he got caught in a trap.

  He got caught in the trap of thinking that he needed to adopt the personalities of the people who helped him.  So he did, and now he is just as miserable as they are.  Wait, he is more miserable.  A true sociopath can coexist with himself on some level, in the same way a con artist can somehow sleep easy at night after having robbed an elderly retired couple of their life savings. Richie, AKA PUA Dick Striker,  has sunken in really deep.  Every time he sees a woman, he feels like he should do an approach.  When he does not approach a woman, he feels weird and incomplete.

• Exterior of tall building- Weekday Morning – Day Light

 **Today a woman was about to jump off a building to kill herself. 

Richie, now known as PUA Dick Striker, sees the attractive woman on top of the building looking to plunge down.  Dick is anxious!!!   He feels like he should have tied a bungee cord around his waist, jumped with her, and asked her during the plight, “I need a quick suicidal sinking female’s opinion.  Who lies more, men or women?  Quickly, you only have 5 seconds of free fall left.”

 Unfortunately, Richie did not have a bungee cord as part of his PUA-Kit. He had to make room for an extra pair of New-Rock boots.  He never had a chance to open a conversation with her. 

 He is feeling anxiety. Not opening the set has given him a horrible compulsion.  He thinks to himself,

                                                   (Richie’s inner thoughts.  Voice Over.)

Man, I should have opened that set.  That woman hit the ground,
Splattered across the pavement of Broadway, and I didn’t get a
chance to open conversation with her.
Now, I won’t have a chance to open her ever again. 
 The paramedics just Cleaned up the pieces. 
I can’t even tell my friends about my new
Day-game bungee approach.  Shit!  This sucks!
Why did I hesitate to go up on the buidling?
I think jumping off a building would have been a great DHV.
Wait…. I should have negged her,  “I like the way you jump.
But really your form needs to improve or I am not dating you.”
No!!!  No!!   Wait!!
Maybe I should have used some “Insulting Asshole”  from Michelangelo:
‘Nice jump.  Is this your first time?‘   With a little smirk!
Then I would have been cocky and funny!!!  Insulting and Asshole,
AND……..
AND since I may have made her chuckle, I would have been
giving VALUE!!  It’s all about giving value,”
Fuck!  Why didn’t I do that set?  PUA Fashion would not be proud of
me right now. He would have found a way to do the set.

Dick is distarught over not having ever “Opened the Set” before the girl jumped off the building.  He talks to his buddy in the seduction community, “PUA Copycat.”  He tells PUA-copycat about what happened. 

•  Interior- Day time-  All You can Eat Buffet Restaurant

 We see Richie, (Dick) having a conversation with another proclaimed Pick Up Artist.  PUA-Copycat is a dishevled obese fellow.
 

PUA-Copycat
Dude, you definitely fucked up.  You should have approached her.
I am sure you have heard of Mr. Strauss? He goes by “Fashion.”
Fashion would have gotten the girl.  In fact, Fashion would have
pulled a threesome with that that girl.  That’s how good he is.
He is the greatest self-proclaimed PUA in the world. 
You got nothing!  He would have had a 3some!
 

Dick
How the hell would Fashion pull a 3some menage-a-toi in that situation?
You’re saying he is a necrophilliac? 

PUA-Copycat
It’s simple really.  Fashion would have paid for that girl to be cremated.
Then he would have poured the ashes on the bed as he fucked another
girl on top of that.  That’s a 3some!  That’s all that matters. 

Dick
That seems wrong, man.  Not to mention disgusting….  
Sounds like necrophilia

PUA-copycat
No man.  It’d have been necrophilia if he’d fucked
a corpse.  Ashes don’t count as necrophilia.
Fashion is just that good & clever.

Dick
Seems kinda wrong still to do that to someone. 

PUA-Copycat
Now, you’re just being negative.  No more negativity man.
Keep it positive.  Plus, this is all part of  “The Game.”
Are you a PUA or not?? Huh!
Are you?

. 

Two weeks pass by.  Dick is unsure. He has mixed feelings about what had transpired and his reactions to the event. He has some remorse.  He hears some news.  One of the most famous gurus in the entire community of Pick-Up Artists is coming to do a book signing in New York City at Barns & Nobles.  He has just released his new book chronicling his experience as a pick up artist.  It’s a NY Times best seller called,  “Struggles of my Game.” Being released in German as “Mein Spiele Kampf,” or rather, “Kämpfe meines Spiels.”

 In fact, this is the famous “FASHION.”  (Aka, Levi Strauss.) 

•  Interior – Night Time- Huge Book Store

 Dick attends the book signing to converse with his hero, Fashion, who has released a book. Dick excitedly tells of the account to Fashion. Fashion is excited, his biddy eyes are proud. He responds!

.

Fashion
Awesome man!  Awesome!  That’s a great story. If you’d gotten
A make-out, it would have been better.  But still, a great story. 

Dick
But lately, I’ve been having second thoughts.  Let’s say I had that
Bungee cord, and I was next to her! Perhaps I could have grabbed her
and saved her from hitting the ground.  Maybe I could have helped her.
Maybe I could have saved a human being’s life. 

Fashion
Did she give you any IOIs?  Like did she ask for your name, or
ask you any questions? 

Dick
Um…. Er…., no, but.. like there wasn’t any time for that.
She was plummeting pretty quickly. 

Fashion
Then, no way!  Saving her life would have been a DLV.  That stands for a
“Demonstration of Lower Value.”  You don’t want to be low-value.
Ever!
The right thing would have been to NOT grab her and keep “Sarging.”
Or perhaps use her as warm-up set.

Dick
Part of me feels bad, Fashion.  I feel like IF I had
my PU bungee cord, I could have saved her
for other reasons. 

Fashion
What other reason could there possibly be besides fucking her?
 

Dick
I can’t help but think that
Maybe I could have saved a  human being’s life.
Maybe she has a family, a father or a sister who misses
her right now.  Maybe she had dreams and
Aspirations, and then just took a wrong turn somewhere.
Maybe she could have turned herself around and achieved
Whatever it was that she wanted to achieve.
Maybe I could have helped another human being out.
She is a human being, man.
 

Fashion
That’s just AFC talk. PUAs do not speak this way.
Only chumps and beta men speak that way. 

Richie
But Fashion… 

Fashion
No ifs or buts. In fact, give me back my signed copy.
You’re holding it in contempt.  Here is an unsigned copy. 
You do not deserve the autographed copy of Fashion’s book.
Leave my book signing now.
 

 Dick is further confused. He can’t understand why the people he looked up are such full blown sociopaths.  We’re not talking a case of mild sociopath tendencies, torturing cats and dogs and the like.  No!  We’re talking Full blown sociopath..   Dick is really confused.

Dick is a combination of angry, depressed, and paranoid. 

 Dick takes refuge in self-help. He watches the Secret.  Now, he goes around preaching like some modern day Born-again.  He spouts off Tony Robbins quotes.  He jumps from one self-help book to the other trying to figure out how to see straight again.

A month goes by.  Dick is still torn.  He is feeling remorse and guilt for not having saved someone.  He hears that perhaps the most famous of all the Pick-Up Artists is in town.  He goes by “Intrigue,” A tall lanky man who likes doing mysterious Magic tricks. Intrigue is the man!  He is Pick Up Artist who taught Fashion-Strauss originally. Surely, he is wiser than the rest.

• Interior- Night time – Busy Night club -  

   Dick has a rare opportunity to talk to an MPUA, Intrigue.  Intrigue is an MPUA who has his own TV show on MTV.  He is adored by millions of men, at least in his own mind.   He is a tall lanky guy wearing a fuzzy hat with goggles placed on top of the fuzzy hat..   Dick tells Intrigue about his situation and the girl who jumped off the roof.

.

Intrigue
(looking philosophical and serious)
Your solution is simple.  Was she a 9 or 10? 

Richie
No.

 
Intrigue.
(Looks Very Pleased.)
Oh, I see.  Very good.  I assume she must have been an HB11 or HB12.

Richie
Ummm, what the fuck is an HB12?

Intrigue
(Very serious now)
That’s a woman of particular beauty, whose beauty is so great
that a 10 cannot possibly define her.  For this, we must raise the
scale to an 11 or 12.  This is for women of high quality,
like strippers, and porn stars. 

Richie
Don’t they have a reputation for having lots of plastic surgery,
wearing 20 pounds of makeup and being dumb?

Intrigue
They’re HB 11s and 12s.  End of argument. It’s what Intrigue likes! 
It’s the Intrigue-scale and method.  I am Intrigue, it’s my scale. 
Thus, it’s the Intrigue scale. 

Richie.
 Well.  If  5 is an average looking woman,
then I’d say ……she was a 7.
She was attractive.  I thought she was really cute.

Intrigue
Then you made the right call by not opening her or
Saving her.  We are not in the game to open
or save any thing less than a 9.
You have nothing to feel bad about.  Now, leave and go sarging.

Richie
But…. She is still a human being man…
Maybe I could have…. ….

Intrigue
No!  This is the law of nature.  It’s evolution.  We are hardwired this way.
A woman less than a 9 does not have enough value.
You did the right thing.

.

 Richie is further depressed, confused and miserable.  He goes out on Friday night, makes out with two different girls, gets invited to her house, things escalate, and although he doesn’t get laid, he feels like he is king of the world. 

 He goes out on Saturday and doesn’t get any make out or “Solid closes.”  He goes home miserable.  He thinks of himself as a loser, a piece of crap that failed again.  He spirals downward to misery because this cycle keeps repeating itself.   In the meanwhile, he has nightmares about the conundrum he faced, the tragedy he has witnessed and feedback he received from the Master Pick Up Artists.

 A few weeks pass by.  He gets a phone call from someone who runs a pick-up workshop-training outfit.   There are so many these days.  This one is called Pickup Training Academy.  The pick up artist identifies himself as “Casino Man” and speaks with an English accent.

  .

Casino Man
Hey, this is Pua Casino-man.  I am the head trainer for the PTA. 
We wanted to see if you’re Interested in teaching workshops for us. 

Dick
Why me?

Casino Man
Mate, we heard about your idea about bungee cord situation and
How you were going to open that chick that got splattered.  Brilliant man!
That’s the kind of creativity we need.  We’re already putting a PUA product together.
It’s how to open suicidal women, and the DVD comes with a bungee kit.
It’s great marketing and we want to have you on board
It will be labeled as the “Dick Striker Bungee Opener Kit“.

Dick
But I am more convinced than ever that I should have saved her, instead
Of merely attempting to open her with an opinion opener

Casino man
You’re just having a temporary set back.  All PUAs go through this phase.
It’s called being R.E.A.L.  Readjustment even after the lay.  It’ll go away though.
So you on board, mate?  We can start marketing the
“Dick Striker Bungee Opener Kit” next week!

 Richie has a choice now.  He could start teaching for Casino man and his Pick up Training Academy and sink further into depression, misery and the cult of bullshit. 

 But instead he opts to become Richie again.  Go back to his normal friends, keeping the knowledge he learned.  Richie decides to give away his outlandish clothing. He is reminded of the goals he had before he was sideswiped and sidetracked by the community.  He is now able to go out and not care about not getting a make-out.  He is able to enjoy people’s interactions for what they are.

He is able to sit home with 3 or 4 of his buddies and watch a football game, drinking a few beers, and enjoy the time he has.  He finds that he has learned skills that enable him to meet and attract women, and he is able to approach women in various circumstances.  It’s time to go back to normalcy.  He starts calling his old friends and tells them about his plight.  They accept him back with open arms.

 Dick drops the name Dick Striker,  and becomes Richie again.  He submits his copy of “Mein Spiele Kampf” book to recycling to help the environment, throws away his gay-outfits in the trash can, and keeps around a few of the dating products he had purchased, the ones he feels gave him good pointers and helped grow to be a new person. 

 Dick is gone, along with the fishnet shirts, the thoughts about DHVs, Negs, and being Alpha ……….  Richie is back.  He is just Richie.  Able to enjoy the company of his friends, male and female alike, pursue his goals and lead a mentally healthy life….  He has learned valuable skills, enhanced his life, and knows the hidden side of the community and its unspoken message:  Don’t become a dick.

.

(The following story took place about 1 year ago.  At the time, I wrote the outline of the story but had no blog to post it on.  It’s not implicating the entire scene; it’s just a reflection of the people I met that particular night.)

Johnny Soporno is in town, and he sends out an invite to an event entitled “Porn Star” Karaoke.   (To paint you a picture: Imagine a heavy set man, wearing a Hawaiian shirt with giant devil horns who likes to condescend you often.) It’s a Tue-night event at some karaoke joint where apparently there are quite a few porn stars in attendance.  It seems like it might be a fun event so a few of us decide to go.

While we are on the topic of porn “Stars”, we ought to ask pertinent questions.  How the hell is it that every single person who has spread her legs in front of a video camera is referred to as a porn “Star”?  Certainly, there are a few who have gained fame in pop-culture and a case could be made that they are porn “Stars.”  The rest should be called porn actresses, but then, they can’t act worth a damn. They should be called “Paid Porn Participants” and they ought to be happy with that title.

You don’t see that in normal movies.  You don’t see some guy who was in “Braveheart” for 3 seconds before getting slashed by William Wallace referring to himself as a Movie-Star.  You don’t see him at parties showing his scene, yelling out: “Yeah, wait, wait, wait, my scene is almost there, wait, PAUSE IT, Pause it!  Shit, you went too far!   Rewind, rewind, slow down!  Right there!  That’s me! About to get stabbed! Movie Star, baby!”

I’d bet you that even the long-haired Asian bad guy with the fu man chu from “Die Hard” would not refer to himself as a movie-star. He was also the same guy who tortured Mel Gibson’s Martin Riggs character via electrocution in the original “Lethal Weapon“.  Even THAT guy would probably not call himself a “Star” and he is featured in two of the most famous, well-received, popular, beloved action movies of all time.   Just for my awesome readership, I found a photo of the fu man chu man:

Bad guy from "Die Hard" & "Lethal Weapon"

OK, let’s not get side-tracked.  Back to “Paid Porn Participant” [ppp] karaoke:

So I arrive at this place with Jay and Rey, the blokes known as Formhandle and Tokyopua.  Johnny has been kind enough to invite us, but then, that feeling of kindness seems to get flushed down the toilet when you see that he invited anyone and everyone he could get a hold of through text messaging who also happens to live anywhere near Los Angeles.

So the place is now ransacked with “The locust” (A separate post coming up on the who the locust are)  and some Asian pick-up teacher named Johnny who walks around with a permanent Zoolander contourtion on his face in order to look cool. (Johnny Chang, we’ll call him).  There are various people running around and a black guy by the bar looks familiar.  Oh wow, it’s the dude who plays “Carlton” on the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”  What’s he doing here?

Johnny is having some sort of a celebration and has a little section all to himself.  I join the group, chat with a few people, and the guys seem like pretty cool dudes.  I get to hear an insider’s tale of the porn business.  It’s rather intriguing.

WOW!  It turns out that hidden behind the glitz & glamour of “Ass to Mouth” and “Double Penetration,” exists an ugly business.  It’s difficult to find work, and even difficult to maintain a living.  With a plethora of people looking to make quick cash, it has become increasingly more difficult for the PPPs to make money at XXX.

I meet one of the girls who is in the supposed VIP area.  We start chatting.

The conversation is going nowhere.  It’s difficult to maintain conversations.  I typically enjoy conversational dialogue that is fun banter between two humanoids.  Very tough to do when 1 person just has nothing to say or add.

These are the type of women routine-stacks were developed for!  It’s not that she is being mean or rude. She just has nothing to say, nothing to add.  I see why Johnny gets along with so many of these women.  He has a polished Routine-Stack (though he doesn’t see it that way), and he talks about 97.5% of the time looking to dominate every social interaction.  (This usually starts off by him trying to push his ideas of ”Fallacious Reasoning” for the first 25 minutes.) He expects the other 2.5% of the conversation to be filled with short comments such as, “Yes, I understand, you’re so right” and “You’re fascinating.”   Talking AT people as though they’re cardboard boxes doesn’t really appeal to me. Still, I find myself at odds.

I am talking to her, but there is no place to sit.  She seems friendly enough.  I put my hand out, she grabs it, I pull her up and as she stands, I sit in her place and have her sit on my lap. Excellent.  Now, I have a place to sit.

I begin slightly massaging her shoulder and she is enjoying it.  This avoids having to have much dialogue.  She looks about 22, slim, wearing a pair of tight shorts that are cut very high, Daisy-Duke style.  She is in town for a couple of weeks shooting some scenes and may stay longer if she can find more work.  That’s all up in the air and she isn’t sure if she can land more gigs.  She seems like a genuinely nice person lost in the midst of all this mayhem.

Johnny Soporno sees this, and in his effort to assist, he pulls out a pair of black gloves.

“Here, put these on!”  He says as he smiles and hisses.

I don’t know what it is, but Johnny Soporno has a weird habit where he hisses like a snake when he smiles, and it’s very….alarming.  It’s a good thing he is not a salesman because the hiss sounds like a salesman salivating indicating, ‘I am about to fuck you over.”  He doesn’t do it on purpose, to my knowledge, but that doesn’t lessen the effect of feeling like being struck by a serpent.

“What, are we kidnapping someone, or robbing the joint?”  I ask as I take the gloves.

“Trust me.  Would I give you something that’s not useful?” Johnny says.  I don’t have time for that debate so I put on the gloves.  He instructs that I should turn them on. On each fingertip of the glove, there is a tiny vibrating plate.  Essentially, your five fingers are now 5 tiny vibrators.

Johnny hisses with a laughter indicating he is pleased.  “Women love that toy.”  Again, I don’t have time to argue that I don’t like vibrators.  Plus, I know that he and Steve P. have gone back and forth on this issue.  It’s usually Steve P. yelling at him that many women who have trouble having orgasms through organic intercourse can to a great extent thank their vibrators for it, and Johnny in return tries to argue how great they are.   That he doesn’t give a shit, is rather obvious.

I resume massage of the PPP girl.  She is enjoying the shoulder-back massage, and work my way down the sides of her torso.  Johnny pulls out a giant vibrator that is cordless and applies it directly to a girl’s crutch.

–This guy is the Batman of vibrators!!!!!!!!!

–”Holy Dildos, Batman!  Why he must have a monopoly on all the vibrators of Gotham.”

It’s like he has the same Batman utility-belt just filled with vibrators. Seemingly, he is just wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but he pulls out one vibrator after another from various places that are hidden to the eye.   Apparently, this other vibrator is called a “Magic wand.”  This is the new cordless model.  He talks about it as if the invention of this rivals that of the Hubble Telescope.  Like the fucking pinnacle of humanity’s achievement that’ll be discussed centuries from now:  “Wow, professor: Lasik eye surgery, NASA Space station and of course, the Magic wand vibrator.”

I start massaging the girl’s inner thighs.  Fuck, this feels awkward.  Normal women don’t operate this way, even in a nightclub.  This is a surreal world of women who are desensitized to being touched anywhere, anytime so long as its by approved people in the food chain.

The feeling of uneasiness comes from the fact that the person sitting on my lap resembles more of a living doll than a person.  She is receptive, she goes along with everything, but has nothing to say.  It’s like a living human doll.  It makes it awkward.  Johnny would reframe it as me having issues with sexuality.  In the meanwhile, I thought we ended slavery.  If liking women who have brains and can engage in stimulating conversation is having seuxal-issues; Then so be it.

I start massaging her crutch just over her Daisy Duke styles shorts.  She starts breathing heavy, panting and slightly moaning.  Again, it feels a bit weird.  In some ways, it feels like I am rubbing a doll, except it’s human and has a heartbeat.  It doesn’t reciprocate in any way shape or form.  It just reacts to the stimulus but gives nothing back.  It gives nothing back.

I think about taking her outta this environment, back to my place.  She has no car, and really, I don’t want to have to give a ride in the morning back to the fucking valley.  The 405 north traffic is brutal in the mornings and a hike from the South Bay to the Valley would be atrocious.  Yet, her body is hot and her tight camel-toe sporting shorts make me want to bend her over.  I just don’t want to talk to her.  I know it’s terrible of me to say that….. Better yet, maybe I should just take her to the bathroom.   I continue the massage.

She starts to breathe heavier, while gyrating back and forth and I have an erection.  Pull to the bathroom, but my car in the parking lot would be better.  It’s difficult for me to come from oral sex, it takes focus.  And the last thing I need is douchebags poorly singing a karaoke version of Garth Brooks on the mic as I am trying to concentrate on the blowjob.

Suddenly, a debate starts raging in my head.  I am having a crisis.  Given the environment, the Batman utility belt of vibrators and the human doll with a heartbeat, I am weirded out and am having an Existential moment. One that says, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

It’s like the movies, where there is a “Good Cameron” and an evil one on each shoulder, each giving me instructions.  I have the Good Cameron on my left shoulder and evil Cameron on the Right; And evil-Cameron is not really evil. He is just unabashed and likes to have fun.

Good Cameron:
Dude, what are you doing?
You don’t even like this girl that much.
You like nothing about her.

Evil Cameron:
Who gives a fuck?
Take her to the bathroom, pal,
Have her blow you, get it done,
Drive home relaxed!

Good Cameron:
You’re doing this for your ego.
You realize that, right?  You don’t really like this
girl, and you can’t stand talking to her.
Not to mention you already know the sex under
the circumstances will be awful.

Evil Cameron:
It’s a matter of simple biology.
You’re a man, you are horny and
now you’re turned on,
She is willing, and she looks good.
What else do you want?
It’s a matter of physics.
Penis goes in Vagina.
This is the way of the Universe.

Good Cameron:
You’re doing this just
so you can tell your pals at some point that
you fucked a pornstar.  She ain’t even a “Star.”
She got paid some money
to have sex with some dude while a video camera
just happened to be present.
She is a “porn participant.”
But you wanna brag about it, anyway.
You have no other incentive.  It’s just plain ego.

Evil Cameron:
Look man, the world is a rough place.
I understand that.  It always has been, buddy.
It always probably will be.
It’s rough out there pal.
She sucks dick for a living.
So what?   Who are you to judge, huh?
Who made you judge, and jury?
Get your dick sucked and move on.
You’re not dating the broad.
You don’t even have to talk to her ever again!
Plus, this will probably be good for her.
This is what she does for a living,
so it’d be like practice for her.
Maybe with your help, she’ll get a
couple of extra jobs out of it.
So, you are helping her with her career!
Bless you for that!

(Evil Cameron is fucking clever.)

Good Cameron:
You do this, and you’re full of shit.
You’re a fucking hypocrite.  Don’t you go online
and encourage guys to lessen their egos,
find some inner-peace, let go of their
scarcity mentality and find harmony & abundance.
You want to feed your ego a little,
do something worthwhile:
build an empire like Apple or Microsoft.
Change the world.
Bragging to your friends about fucking an
Alleged pornstar is ego-driven petty garbage.
You know that.  You do this, and
you’re just doing it for your ego,
you PRICK!  You fucking asshole.

(Angel Cameron is crass, crude, and filthy.
He is an extension of me, after all.)

Damn it.  I am starting to lose my hard-on.  Angel Cameron is making valid points.  I look over and Soporno is looking at me, he actually winks at me, and then he hisses.

“Hissssssssssssssss”

Evil Cameron:
Dude, this place is fucked up.
I admit it.   OK?  I admit it!  I confess.
You don’t think I get it?  I DO!
Hey, we all know it’s disgusting.
Just fuck the chick and go home.
You are a man!  This is what men do!
Isn’t that what evolution states?
Isn’t that the stuff that prick DD
Keeps reading out of various books?
You don’t have to like the place.
Evolution has programmed you to do  this.
On top of that, this is NOT the fucking time
To have an existential moment.
Take her to the bathroom,
Get a blowjob, then leave.

(Evil Cameron sounds almost reasonable and understanding.  I’ve only had 1 beer, and would need about 4 or 5 more, before his reasoning seems legit)

Good Cameron
(screaming in full Pacino voice now):
I am going to leave you with one last thought
and after this, you do whatever the fuck you want.
I am done  with it.
Look over there!  Look!
See that fat guy fondling and groping random
women who are dumb, desperate, and destitute?
See him? LOOK AT HIM!
Damn it!  Look at him!
Strive to be better than he.
[Wow, angel Cameron even has perfect grammar!]
You get a random blowjob under
The unpleasant circumstances just to brag about
it and you’re not better than everyone else here.
Do what’s right!  You know you’re better than that.
You’re better than that.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!!!

Good Cameron is inspirational.  He sounds like Al Pacino giving those passionate speeches, like the one at the end of “Scent of a Woman” or the locker room speech at the end of “Any Given Sunday.”  There is no denying him.  His inspiration is far too powerful. He is undeniable, irrefutable, and indisputable.

Fuck!  My hard-on has completely subsided.  Really, this was NOT the time to have an Existential-moment!   In fact, my cock has so far gone the other way, I think has gone inwards.  I may need to yank it back out.  Along with my hard-on is my desire to have sex or even be in this place.  It’s not that sex with someone who does porn is wrong.  It’s fine.  I have no issues with that.  Porn was a good savior during my teenage years.  The reasons for it under these circumstances are wrong.  A hissing serpent pressing vibrators against the panties of any woman within arms reach seems wrong.   People acting like subordinate slaves out of economic destitution seems wrong.

I look around.

This place is like hell.

It’s fucking hell.  Wait, what the fuck???

Hell is supposed to be a place where AC-DC is rocking on Stage as Bon Scott and Brian Johnson take turns on the mic, Where you drink cocktails with Frank Zappa, discuss music, life, and world history with Billy Joel, talk about religion and oppression with John Lennon and Bob Dylan, who all then do a spontaneous riff on piano and acoustic guitars…..all in the meanwhile as you exchange occasional intellectual witty remarks and quips with George Carlin.

That’s what it’s supposed to be like.

Instead we have a guy hissing like a snake while pulling out vibrating gadgets out of various orifices, chicks with more plastic parts than a mattell Barbie but lesser ability to converse, and Johnny Chang running around carrying a permanent weird contortion of his lips, which he believes makes him looks cool; while poor Carlton is still empty handed.  What the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This isn’t even hell.  It’s a nightmare.  A nightmare that’d even make Freddy Kruger plead and sob, “Please, get me outta here!”

I can’t take it anymore.  Luckily, I have the choice to get the fuck out.  Things are looking good: I got a car, half a tank of gas, and I am sober.   I get up, I walk out, and leave it behind.  Gotta drive a half hour drive to get home,  Chalk up a victory for Good Cameron.  His passion was too great, and his inspiration too undeniable.  He won this round.

Ahhhh, things are looking up, got my ipod with over 2000 Rock And Roll Songs spanning over 4 decades to keep me company on the drive home…..  Let the Serpents and dolls have at it.  I am moving on…..

.

Let’s face it:

You and I cannot deny that there is plethora of books written on the topic of self-help.  Just walk into Barnes & Noble right now and check out books designed to teach you how to live your life.  Some are pop-psychologists and some are modern day prophets who seem to have all the answers. They call themselves “Spiritual Teachers” and instill words of wisdom amongst the confused masses.  

I was at a friend’s hosue the other day, and while I was sitting on the couch, I noticed a particular self-help supposed spiritual book designed to help you live a happier life.   It got me very curious so naturally, I picked it up and started reading what it had to say.   While one out of ten books might have useful information, the other 9 just make for great entertainment, and this fit the bill.

There were different chapters that dealt with different issues, and much of it was common truisms that seem to make sense.  Then there was a chapter that talked about dealing with those who upset us and I thought this should be interesting.  Perhaps, they have some good useful tips people can utilize to get over the bullshit.  

But then, according to this book, the reason we are angry at someone, is because we see our own qualities within that person.  So if you have a boss who is an insensitive prick and demanding, you are angry at him because PART OF YOU is an insensitive prick.  If you hate someone because they’re rude and abusive, it’s because part of you is also that way, and that’s why you dislike that person.  

So in order to reconcile, you have to overcome that part of yourself you see in that person.  This is the same crap some psychologists will tell ya.  Now, I’ll be the first to tell you that you have to let bygones be bygones and life is full of assholes. You gotta get over it.  I get that, and yes, I am a big advocate of positive thinking.  But this modern psycho babble about you’re seeing yourself in them is why you hate them?  This is their explanation and solution? 

A 100 years of this science and this is the best they can come with?    This is what our society has been reduced and dumbed down to?

Some 5th grader explanation that would probably insult the intelligence of most 10 year olds?

Ya know, when I was in my mid teens or so, I got my first car.  It was one of those old VW Beetles.  1972 model.  Cool car.  Man, I liked that car.  It was simple, efficient, cheap, rarely broke down even though it was ancient.  It has a manual stick shit and was air-cooled. (that’s really irrelevant but I threw it in.)

I had just graduated high school and used to catch a lot of Dodger baseball games.  It was cheap and it was fun to go sit in the bleachers for 5 bucks to watch a whole baseball game live. 

One day, while watching a baseball game at Dodger Stadium with a high school buddy , someone stole that 1972 Beetle.  I didn’t think anyone would steal a car that old, but apparently, they were popular.  (As I found out later, thanks to the kind policeman.)

Needless to say I was pissed off, the way ANYONE would be when Some motherf*cker steals yours transportation.  

It’s just too bad I didn’t have such self-help books around at the time. Otherwise, I could have realized that perhaps part of me had always wanted to steal a car, and perhaps I was secretly a car-thief who just had never acted on this wild fantasy, and that’s why I was angry with the car thief who stole my car at Dodger Stadium that summer night.  Perhaps I was seeing my Grand-Theft-Auto anger in that car thief and that’s why I resented him at the time.

WOW, this psycho-babble is so cool.  It explains so much.  All of the world’s problems solved be reconciling through seeing yourself in other people.  Life-coaches really do have all the answers!

Imagine a child in Africa who had most of his family slaughtered by a War Lord who rampaged through his village, killing and torching everything.  (Shades of scenes from the movie “Blood Diamond”)

Child
(Innocent voice, thick African accent)
Mother, what happened to our village?

Mother
(speaks with thick African accent, war torn)

My Child.  The War-lord mumba lamba just rolled through
Our village and burned everything down.  He raped, killed and pillaged.

Child
And where is Grandpa?

Mother
Grandpa has his head chopped off with a machete by
Mumba Lumba, along with Grandma, and some of your aunts
and uncles.  They were all murdered for no reason.

Child
I really hate mumba-lumba.  I hate this place, I hate this world,
And I hate everything here.  I am so angry about what happened.

Mother
Lucky for you, I have read AMERICAN SELF-HELP Books and I
have realized the problem.

Child
Oh, you mean that the world is full of greedy assholes and we have to
Learn to deal with it?  

Mother
No! It’s that PART OF YOU Has always wanted to rape, burn and murder.
And now you see yourself projected though Mumba-lumba, and
that’s why you hate him so much.  You see yourself in him.

Child
Wow. Thanks mother.  I am glad we have American Self-help books
written by greedy luney American fat cats.   Because I had originally
thought I was angry at the War-Lord Mumba Lumba for killing people
in my village and murdering my grandfather whom I loved so much. 

Mother
You’re welcome.

Child
Now, when I go out to play football, I play alone because many of
 the village’s children were also slaughtered.  When I cry myself to sleep
at nights in sadness and pain, I know that it’s because part of me
also wanted to commit this horrible tragedy
 and THAT IS THE REAL REASON why I am really mad.

Mother
Yes, thanks to the Americans for their self-help books and products. 
If it weren’t for American Life-coaches and pop-psychologist,
how would the world survive?  Oh WAIT!
I know the secret.  Seriously, I mean I really know THE Secret.
It’s an infomercial disguised as a documentary and
it’s called, “The Secret.”

Child
Wow, The Secret. Sounds great.  What is it?

Mother 
Well, there is this genie in he universe waiting to take your orders. 
You just make a wish, like getting CHECKS IN THE MAIL for just
sitting on your ass and wishing, and the genie just does it for you.

 Child
Wow, the Americans are wise.  How does it work?
What ACTION DO WE TAKE?
Do we grow some crops? Maybe plow a field?
Maybe get a job, or an education?  
Perhaps Learn a trade or a craft?

Mother
No!  You just wish and think about it. The genie does all the work. 
You just sit on your ass.  That’s the key: Picture it in your mind,
then sit on your ass.  You just MANIFEST it.

Child
Wow. But then, why was our village raided, our friends slaughtered
and our homes burnt down? 
Why would genie do this?

Mother
Hmmm,….. Child, even at age 9, you’re very wise.  The reason is that
you manifested this.  You manifested the raiding of the village and
the beheading of your grandpa.

Child
(weeping, sobbing)
But I LOVED Grandpa. He taught me many great thigns and told me stories. 
I miss him. I miss him so much.  And now his head sits on a platter
on Mumba-lumba’s wall.  I did not want this.

Mother
Shut up!  You manifested it!  That’s what “The Secret” says. 
So now you must Manifest us, food, shelter,
a ticket to get the fuck outta here. 
Start manifesting boy.  Picture a plane ticket to America.
It’s the greatest land with the wisest coaches.  We will go there.

Child
How did America become so great?

Mother
It’s a great land because it was founded by wise-men.  Not quite as wise as
the people in the secret, but almost as wise.  Some were named
George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison,
John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin.  They were visionaries
and smart men who created a new country and a new Constitution,
 the likes of which the world had not seen before.  Their ideology
was based on the Philosophies of John Locke, Thomas Paine and
Thomas Jefferson, which went against the dogma of organized religion.
 They caused a revolution and won the war against the English.

Child
How?

Mother

They manifested it, of course. 

Child
You mean they rose up and FOUGHT battles to establish their new land?

Mother
No!!  George Washington and Thomas Jefferson  just sat on their ass!
That’ the Secret!   They sat for days on their ass
along with the rest of the colonists and just asked
the Genie of the Universe to take  away their oppressors.  They also
asked the Genie to create a new Constitution and he was happy to comply.

Child
And what happened?

Mother
One day, these founding fathers woke up and magically the
British army was gone! There was a new Land and a new Democracy. 
AND…. of course, they also started getting checks In the mail!!

Child
(overjoyed)
America sounds great!  A nation built on ideas, philosophy,
and manifestation carried out by just
sitting on your ass!

Mother
Later on, there was a evil man named Hitler who murdered people like
The War-Lord Mumba Lumba, except his army was so big, he wanted to
Rule the world.  The Americans stepped in using “The Secret.”
They just sat on their ass and manifested that Hitler and his Army
to disappear, and in 1945, they disappeared.

Child
Why didn’t Hitler and his army use “The Secret”
to beat the Americans?

Mother
Ummm, ahh, errrrr….At the time, the Genie hadn’t yet learned to
speak German.

Child
But what if it had? Who wins when two opposing forces
ask great Genie for conflicting favors?

Mother
Shut the f*ck up kid.

Child
But I heard something about an invasion at Normandy
where many young soldiers lost their lives.

Mother
Never happened! It’s a myth. The Americans
just manifested for Hitler and the bad people to go away.
That’s it.   Stop asking so many questions, and start
manifesting.

Child
(overcome by sudden sense of logic)
But wait, if they manifested his demise, doesn’t this mean that
automatically they also manifested Hitler’s creation?

Mother
Shut up kid.  Start Manifesting those tickets, and some
Wildebeest leftovers, or at least some beef jerky.
Otherwise, your ass is going to bed hungry tonight!

And that’s what happened.  The story does have a happy ending.  Miraculously, the mother and son DID Find some tickets to America when they came across some Mormon missionaries who also had manifestation on their mind, (though from a different genie.)   Today, they live happily as pop-psychologists and life coaches.   They’ll be making an appearance on Dr. Phil’s show soon!  Be on the lookout.  

Stay good, and keep on manifesting.