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As you gain experience dating different types of girls, you’ll come to quickly find that some are really worth keeping around and a whole lot of them will fall into the proverbial “Dime a Dozen” category.

Thus, naturally, as you interact with enough girls, you will undoubtedly observe that they fall into certain types archetypes who follow very similar patterns.  You’ll come to naturally understand what these patterns are, and will recognize them subconsciously.  You’ll also devise methods to help you recognize what/whom you’re dealing with.  Many people do this subconsciously without ever being aware of it.  I just happen to enjoy deconstructing these subconscious patterns of force.

Remember the great film I recommended titled, “A Bronx Tale?”  In that film, Sonny had devised his “Door Test.”  It was a test to seek an individual’s propensity to want to contribute and give back.   From that, Sonny concluded if she was a keeper.

I have the Vegas Test.  It’s designed to figure out if a girl is worth having a relationship with.  Would she make a good girlfriend for me?

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Introducing the Vegas Test:

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At some point, during a lengthy conversation, the topic of Vegas will come up.  It’s not posed some sort of a quiz, but it’s more of a casual mention.  The reaction to this tells me what I want to know.  And sometimes her reaction to going to Las Vegas is:

“OH MY GOSH!   Oh my gosh!  You don’t understand!  I love Vegas!  I really really love Vegas.”

Cue in the violin.  It’s all over.  That’s a girl that’s not suited to be a girlfriend.  Perhaps, better cue in the old catchy Roxette song.  “It must have been love… but it’s over now…..”

OK, silly sentimental pop songs aside, the Vegas test is a very serious matter.   OK, it’s not so much a case of that one particular statement being the definitive answer, but it’s more so a case of this being the final straw.  It’s the final clue in a series of tell-tale signs.  It’s the proverbial icing on the cake.  I really don’t like that cliché, but don’t have a better one right this moment.

I don’t claim the Vegas test to be infallible or a 100% accurate.   However, I will add this:  The Vegas test has never failed.

Nope, not even once.  If ever I’ve come across a girl who has broken into a frenzy over Vegas, it’s always proven to be that she is not worth pursuing.  Just as importantly, any girl I’ve ever come across worth keeping has never had that reaction. In fact, her reaction has been quite the opposite.

What reaction are we talking about, and to what?

This is not about a couple’s getaway for a romantic interlude or a boyfriend girlfriend trip.  We’re talking about groups of girls who cannot wait to arrange a weekend to Vegas.  This is the type that can’t wait to go to “club rehab” in the summer time at the Hard Rock and if they live in Southern California, they probably attempt to arrange several trips a year.

Upon hearing the news that there may be a potential weekend trip to Vegas, they’ll almost break into a full fledged seizure, and quite possibly an impromptu rendition of the Safety Dance.

If you’ve never seen this, you’re in a for a treat!  Feast your eyes on this incredible video…..

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Spectacular visual feast:  Creepy English guy dressed like a fruitcake trying to look tough while running in the field with a pirate shirt tossing dwarfs, while other villagers, hobbits, elves, gremlins and ghouls jump for joy.  They’re All doing the safety dance (and a song that will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day!)

The concept of this video is amazing.  You could round up a group of 100 stoners and potheads, provide them with the finest LSD and “Magic shrooms”, and yet not be able to come up with something so bizarre and random.

Plus I never quite gathered or deduced whose safety this dance was for.  Was it for his safety?  Or was it for the safety of villagers?  Maybe it was a cleverly coded method for identifying drunk carriage drivers in the olden days?   Not to mention that the entire Safety Dance is just ONE move, as depicted in the freeze frame at exactly 1:25 into the video.

I can’t get over the serious look and game face determination of the lead singer as he marches for the Safety Dance.  It’s as though he is leading the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s.

Yes, his resolve is that strong and at first glance, that glare of determination makes you think he really is marching for a cause until you zoom out to see he is being followed by elves, clowns and gremlins.  Perhaps it’s the Safety Dance is to ensure the safe passage of these mutants?

Let’s get back to the Vegas test.  Needless to say, I could write an entire article on my fascination with this video, but I digress.

Wait a minute, why isn’t the Safety Dance video in the Smithsonian museum as the most amazing random compilation of shit ever assembled?  Why haven’t cultural preservationists taken notice?

OK, seriously, back to the article.

It’s safe to say (couldn’t resist the Pun, sorry), that if the girl LOVES Vegas and breaks into the safety dance, or any other dance, you’re looking at someone who is not a keeper.

(OK, if a girl really actually broke into doing the Safety dance in Public, she may be a keeper just for the entertainment value.)

It’s not the only test, but it’s usually a myriad of signals by the time you get to the Vegas question.. This last point just happens to be the big finale.  This is the Fat-Man equivalent of “Not good relationship material” Signal.  [Fat-man was atomic bombed dropped on Nagasaki]  If that’s too harsh, think of it as more a B-52 bomber carpet bombing an entire area.

Why is it such a big deal to like Vegas so much, someone may ask?   After all, people have various hobbies, likes, and dislikes.  This is true, and that behavior reflects back on an individual’s personality.

For example, if you knew a grown adult who enjoyed torturing and mutilating animals for no apparent reason, you’d probably think he wasn’t all together upstairs.  If you had children, you probably wouldn’t want to leave them alone with a guy like that, I’d assume.

The same representation of behavioral cues in reaction to various stimuli tell us a lot about a person’s trigger points and modus operandi. Vegas lovers of the aforementioned type are normally massive external stimulus junkies.  They do anything to get attention, be it positive or negative.   You can read the full analysis of stimulus junkies here:

Toxic Personalities in Dating: The Sole External Validation Seeker

Going one step beyond that, we get to core values.  Remember that this is the key component for being able to peg someone.  CORE VALUES Trump everything else.  How did Christopher Reeves’ Superman get the best of Lex Luther in Superman II?  He took a huge gamble, but he was banking on Lex Luther’s core values being greed when it’s all said and done.

Similarly, you can count that a Vegas lover’s core values are superficial external stimuli above all else and that’s a recipe for a disaster in a relationship.  (As it relates to my core values.)

Anyhow, if you needed to know the actual reason, there you have it.  If the pseudo-intellectual mumbo jumbo bores you, please go back and watch the Safety Dance video a second (or 10^th) time.  Clear your head, come back and resume from this point.

A Vegas loving dude and woman may coexist well in some bizarre way, but that’s not my really my concern.  Which brings me to another point: This is NOT gender specific.  It applies to MEN as well.

If my female friend or cousin is looking to have a meaningful relationship/boyfriend and the guy can’t wait to pack a trip to “Rehab” at the Hardrock, I’d tell her the same thing.  Forget about it. He ain’t a keeper. (By the way, I’m talking someone more mature than 21 year-olds just figuring out what they want to do.)

So devise your own tests.  I shared one of mine.  It’s the Vegas test, and as I mentioned, it has never failed.  Even when I thought that it may have failed in case of a friend who was dating someone, months later, it still proved to be accurate.

The Vegas test works extremely well for me because it’s close to Southern California.  Everyone here is all too familiar with Vegas.

While the Vegas test may not tell me if a girl is a “Keeper,” it will definitely and unequivocally tell me whether she is NOT one very quickly.   Let’s be clear:  There are various reasons why someone may not be a suitable mate for you.  I’ve found the Vegas test to be an effective filter for one of those many reasons.

By the way, I’m very proud of this article.  Not so much because of the well thought out, well explained, accurate and practical advice regarding if someone is girlfriend material, but more so that I was able to work in two non-sequitur 80s songs, Superman II, and analysis of the Safety Dance video  into the article.

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Cameron

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I was talking to a female friend the other day. She was frazzled, and a bit disgruntled about a conversation she had had with a colleague of hers.  It had left her with a conundrum of sorts.  She was caught in a philosophical bind after the conversation.

Before I go further, I ought to provide you with some insight regarding her.

She is really a smart girl, one of the smarter girls I’ve known, and she is what some people would refer to as a “do-gooder.”  Perhaps, it’s one of my favorite things about her: she is an idealist.  She sees the way the world is and wants to somehow make it better.  She strives to create a better environment.  I mention this because it’ll be relevant momentarily.

She tells me about the conversation she had with her colleague.  This colleague/ acquaintance was ranting to her that everyone is selfish.  Ultimately, we are all selfish. We do things for ourselves, not for other people.  He tells her that there is no difference between what she or he does.

She tells him about the type of work she does, charitable causes she volunteers her time for, and so forth.

“Well, I work with foundation x,y.z, and I put a lot of time and sacrifice and donate a lot of my time to improve this situation..’”

To which, her detractor replied: “Yes, but you do it for them, because it makes you feel good.”

She was visibly upset.   It’s a bit of philosophical conundrum.  How can such two people be see similarly?   Thus,  the following conversation took place between us:
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She
“How can he say everyone is selfish? I do so much, and work hard, while he does x,y,z….   He compares those together and makes it sound like we are completely similar?  It makes me mad, and it’s f*cked up.”  (And this is someone who usually doesn’t curse)

Me
Yeah, I’ve heard that argument before.

She
It’s bullshit.  How can people say I’m selfish when I do for others?

Me
Well, he is right in some ways.  We all do things because in some way they make us feel good. Even the sacrifices we make server a greater purpose within us.

She
Come on!   You can’t compare….

ME
—You’re right.  You can’t.  I’ve heard that argument before and it was from a sleazy boss that I had.

She
what did you say?

ME
Nothing at the time.  It wasn’t the right situation to argue.   I’ve realized though, it comes down to values. We all have core values.

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So then, what do I mean by core-values?

If you figuratively stripped away all of the layers off of someone’s personality, you’d get to their essence, their core Values.  These are values that govern their lives, and they’re the fundamental building blocks of what follows.

Let me put it this way; take someone who has dedicated themselves to charitable causes.  Mother Theresa is the prominent and cliché example that pops into mind.  She helped people because it made her feel good.  She certainly didn’t do it because it made her feel bad.

On the other extreme, take as an example someone like Hitler. Committed genocide, atrocities, killed millions of people, some of them his own. Wanted to rule the world, etc, etc….   Why? It also made him feel good at the end of the day.  He certainly didn’t do it because it made him feel bad.

Both people did it to make themselves feel good.   It’s WHAT they felt good about, that’s key here.

One felt good helping other people live a better life. The other felt good by ruling as a dictator, committing murder, and conducting ethnic cleansing of men, women and children of all ages.

They just had different core values.  It’s that simple.  Now, those are two extreme examples but they help blatantly in illustrating the point.  We all do things that make us feel good, and those are governed by our core values.

I did tell my friend that,  “And by the way, for future reference, anyone who ever brings up that argument in a discussion is someone who wants to screw u over.  It’s usually a scumbag type, who is looking for a way to rationalize his own behavior so he can sleep better at night.”

Don’t encourage it.  Better to have identified a scumbag and move on.  Interestingly enough, con men and swindlers also use similar type of faulty logic to justify what they do.  Even they don’t want to feel bad about what they’re doing.

Well, all of this sounds like a wonderful philosophical discussion I had with a friend, but what’s the point of this article, you may be wondering.

Simple: When it comes to dating, relationships, and friendships, it’s best to seek people who haves similar core-values. Just as mother Theresa and Hitler wouldn’t make good friends, neither do people with less striking polarities.

If you’re the ambitious type who also likes to discover new places, learn about new people and cultures, you’ll have a hard time working a relationship where the other individual lacks those values.  Your relationship will inevitably fail.

It’s only a matter of time.

If it’s one axiom I’VE COME TO know by heart in terms of relationships, it is this importance of sharing similar core values with friends, girlfriends, lovers and so forth.

People often make the mistake of thinking that friendships are built solely on commonalities.   Even more so, some people mistakenly assume that strong relationships are formed only because of shared hobbies. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Nowhere is this discourse or idiosyncrasy, more apparent than in large groups brought together by a commonality.

Core values form deep friendship.  Whether it’s a college fraternity/sorority, social club, or the ski club, people can be definitely brought together through a common hobby.  People who share the same common hobby can possess vastly different core values.  What you’ll observe is that over the course of time, people with similar core-values WITHIN those common groups will be bound together.

This was part of the experience of the infamous Project Hollywood that you may have read about.  People were brought together by a common hobby.  That’s all it was, a hobby, and yet quickly, people of similar values bonded and eventually, the entire thing imploded.

On the surface, everyone pretended to get along, but underneath something deeper and darker was brewing. In the famous words of Morgan Freeman from “The Shawshank Redemption” it was like  geology: “Study of pressure and time.”

That’s what that is: when you have dissimilar core values, it’s pressure through time and that will disintegrate.

Irrespective of age, gender and ethnicity, people of polarized core-values will inevitable clash.    Oliver Stone’s epic Vietnam movie, “Platoon” does an extraordinary job depicting this amongst American soldiers who are essentially on the same side.  (PS. If you haven’t seen “Platoon”, well, you’re probably missing one of the greatest war movies ever made.)

College fraternities/sororities, business partnerships, corporate boardrooms, marriages, relationships, sports teams, friendships, and the military will bring people together for a common cause per se.  Even then, the  people fighting for the same military will either attract or repel each other based on core values.   Again, Platoon does a superb job of clearly depicting the sheer conflict that rises out of clashing core-values even amongst people fighting on the same side.

Core values can range from loyalty and integrity to being ambitious and being progressive.  As an example, liking to travel is a hobby.  Even it’s your favorite thing in the world, it’s still a hobby.  On the other hand, having a deep rooted desire to constantly evolve and learn new things could be considered a core-value.

In the dating world,   you’re better off recognizing it early, and choosing close friends and lovers carefully.  Divorce lawyers make a killing off of people who haven’t.

While this blog is mostly concerned with dating, it’s good to be reminded of some of the most fundamental principles in human relationships:  That it comes down to sharing similar Core-Values.

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Cameron

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A number of blog readers have written asking for more articles regarding girls who are suitable for relationships.  Questions regarding, “How to get a girlfriend,” and “Where to meet girls who are girlfriend-types” and knowing how to vibe with them.

In the past, I’ve written extensively on certain female archetypes.  You may have read my article on “Female Archetypes – Alpha Females” and “Female Archetypes – Party Chicks.”   I’ve probably written the most on “Party chicks” which is the archetype that is toughest to grasp for the average blog readers which consists of intellectual dudes.  They’re also the ones most often encountered in bars, pub, and nightclubs.

This article is going to take a turn in the opposite direction as it pertains more towards nurturing/giving type of women. So let’s get to it.

>>>How do you distinguish if you’ve met this type?

This will come with a bit of experience. As you interact with a lot of women, you’ll see common behavioral patterns and common values exhibited by similar types.  The nurturing/emotionally giving type usually exhibits a happier disposition.

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• Genuine Happiness:

You’ll normally observe that they’re genuinely happier people and they portray that glee.  They’re apt to react more emotionally to situations than other female archetypes.  Often times, you may observe that they seem to have some sort of a creative and artistic outlet.  They might not be musicians but they may play a guitar, or write, or recite poetry.

Being more emotional people, they have that need for a creative outlet and you’ll note that in your interactions.  Again, be aware that just because a woman plays a guitar, it does not mean she is this particular type.  It’s more a combination of behavioral patterns that are common to this type.

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• Family Ties:

Family relationships.  Another common trend is that they have very close family ties.  They’re close to their parents, aunts, uncles, and such.  For instance, it’s not uncommon to look through their facebook profiles and notice them proudly displaying photos of themselves with nieces and/or nephews.

During you conversations, you’ll hear common trends,

“I was just talking to my aunt last weekend, she is so awesome, anyway she was telling me that……….”

Again, whether their nurturing personality is a predisposition or cause of a close family upbringing remains to be examined.  I certainly believe it does make a difference.  Human beings who feel they’ve been loved are far more likely to return that love to others.  ( My observations.)

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• Social Conscientiousness :

This archetype tends to exhibit a conscientious pattern regarding social issues.  You’ll also come to realize this in your interactions.  Whether it’s social, political, or environmental, they’ll show concern for their surrounding world.

I’ll give you an example.  A few months ago, I was walking out of a supermarket where a girl approached me to ask if I wanted to donate money to her organization.  I came to find out she was representing “Amnesty International” and was very passionate in discussing human rights violations in various parts of the world.  She even talked me into giving her a $20 donation for the cause.  (No, it wasn’t because I was  hitting on her, for the smart-asses out there.)

Now, you have to realize the sort of dedication it takes to stand outside a supermarket and solicit money for a cause.  You’re essentially cold-approaching strangers for hours a day for very little pay. It takes a certain animal to do that…. You have to be really motivated and passionate about the cause that you believe in to volunteer or work for low pay to solicit strangers for money for your organization.

Chances are you may have come across people like this at some point.  Whether it was in high school, college or a cocktail party, you have interacted with such persons in your life.  Think about the tendencies of that individual.

Are these the perfect people?  No, not at all.  While this type of woman makes for a good girlfriend, sometimes you may run into a few bumps in the road.  For example, you may find that they react more emotionally to things that are not “That big of a deal” to you.  They may want you to care about their social/political concerns and sometimes they may sport a bit of a “Hippy” vibe in  that they don’t get dolled up and dress to impress.

OK, I’m not insinuating that they’re slobs but just that they may not be decked out in the latest fashion as they make a run to the grocery store to purchase a few items.  It’s important to understand both sides.

So now, let’s assume you were dating such a girl.  What’s the difference between this type and a less nurturing type?

Well, let’s also assume you just got the flu.  Upon hearing that info, some types will say, “Sorry to hear that!  I hope you feel better! I’ll talk to you then.”  Other types will offer to come over and bring Chicken Soup.  The nurturing/giving type is the latter.

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• Where to meet such girls:

It’s probably tougher to meet this type that say, party girls.  The nurturing/giving types are not bar-flys.  They’re not ones to frequent nightclubs constantly, and when they do, they’re going to be more guarded and defensive in that particular environment (and for good reason.)

Your best bet is to find them at activities that they’d have a vested interest in as well.  This will inevitably vary based on the culture, country and even the size of the town you live in.  Naturally, Some place are going to offer more in the way of activities than others.

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• Attracting this type:

Always remember that the fundamentals I explain in detail in my Ebook, Building Attraction Secrets, will apply. Being interesting, conveying your personality through stories, proper body language, leading, tonality, and having fun will always apply regardless of which archetype you meet.

As an example, let’s take the girl standing outside the supermarket asking for donations to the “Amnesty International” organizations.  In fact, let’s take it to an absurd level.  Let’s assume she was raising funds for “Save The Hamster Foundation.”   You walk by and notice this and think to yourself, “Wow, I thought I was the only one!  I LOVE to save hamsters too!”

You may believe in her cause wholeheartedly and be completely excited that you’ve met someone who is a like-minded individual.  You still have to be aware of conversational dynamics.  This means you can’t spend 15 minutes just talking about this one particular topic and think that now you are a lock to go on a spectacular date.

This is the mistake most men make: they’ll spend 20 minutes discussing how to save hamsters but outside of that one commonality, they don’t establish any connection or personal  information.

Having read my ebook, Building Attraction Secrets,  you know that you’d be best served to share a couple of humorous anecdotes about yourself, find out more about her, have a little fun, and have her invest some information regarding herself besides discussing the organization she is volunteering for.

You also would be aware of a multitude of key dynamics that are by now second nature to you, such as:

• Flirting properly,
• Leading the interaction (In all 3 ways)
• Creating Sexual tension & teasing

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The goal of this article is to provide with a glimpse one particular archetype of girls you will inevitably come across in life.  Depending on YOUR personality, this type may or may not be for you.

For example, if you were the stereotypical dumb jock athlete from a teen movie, you probably will not connect with this type.  I am not saying it’s impossible, but it’s just unlikely that these personalities will hit it off.

You’d also know that this is a more sensitive type of person, so you had best be prepared to deal with sentimental type issues.  If she gives you a Christmas card, and you throw it away a few weeks after Christmas, there are going to be hurt feelings involved.

To you, it was a simple card, and once Christmas was over, there was no point in keeping it.  To her, it represented emotional investment and sentimental value and she won’t understand or grasp how you could discard it 3 weeks later.  These are the type of potential  issues you may run into while dating this type.   They’re not deal-breakers, but rather, just things to be aware of.

Other caveats:  If you’re not a family person, it’s not going to be a good fit in the long run.  If you’re the type that doesn’t like to play with kids, or doesn’t want to go to a big family Thanksgiving dinner, it’s going to cause issues.

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Recap of Nurturing Women Archetypes

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So let’s do a recap of what I just went over:

• Emotionally giving/ Nurturer Archetype
• Very Likely Artistic in nature
• Usually have some sort of artistic/creative outlet (music, drawing, etc…)
• More sensitive than your average woman
• Come across as genuinely happy persons often
• Usually exhibit a warm pleasant demeanor when meeting them,
• They’re close to family
• In routine conversations, They’ll often bring up family, Aunts/Uncles,  nieces/nephews, etc.
• Don’t respond well to over-the-top cocky macho approaches by men. (It doesn’t mean they don’t like masculine men.)
• When approaching this type, be masculine, just the cut the machismo and bravado down a bit.
• Often can be overly sensitive in dating/relationship situations. (Reference Christmas card story above)
• This over sensitivity could result in some drama in the relationship at time
• Usually socially/politically Conscientiousness on some level.
• If you asked them their dreams, there is always something in there to want to improve the world (even if it is saving hamsters….)
• Making a difference is important to them.
• More difficult to find in loud nightclubs/bars.  They don’t frequent such places often.
• Usually have a good circle of friends around them, (in my experience.)
• Low drama factor usually (Barring the over sensitivity)
• More sentimental

In conclusion, I’d like to (as I’ve often done) emphasize the key point of practicality.  Memorizing a bunch of information is not going to be making the best use of your resources.  Instead, you’ll be better off learning a few things you can actually apply in your interactions.  For example, you’re at a casual social gathering and you meet a warm and receptive girl who within the first 15 minutes of conversation mentions family, a creative outlet and some sort of a social/political cause she cares about.  You also notice that she seems to have good friends whom she’s known for quite a few years.

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Having read my article, you know that chances are pretty good she fits the mold of the archetype I just described.  Having read my ebook, you also have a decent basic understanding of how to present your best self to attract her.  You also know that if you don’t click well with overly emotional people, you’ll have issues later on.  On that same note, you also know that if you’re at a point where you’re looking to get a girlfriend or a long-term mate, this particular person may be a pretty good candidate.

I provide the information.  You apply it.  It’ll get you results.

Cameron

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Dear Cameron-

To be honest, I found your blog by mistake when I was searching for answers about why women flake.  Google brought me to your blog and while I didn’t like (or rather didn’t wish to believe) your response, I kept reading and am very glad I did.  The reason I wasn’t responsive at first was my own frustration and being tired of being rejected, and your content forced me to accept that it is what it is and there isn’t a grand conspiracy of women trying to make me fail.

Your blog has given me a huge number of answers, and restored a lot of my confidence.  I fell specifically for David D’s materials, but I kept returning them once I kept hearing non-answers in his programs, plus I HATED cocky funny.

I haven’t bought your program yet, but I intend to sometime in the future.  I’m fascinated by the different personality types especially with your post on the Myer-Briggs test.  My result was “INTJ – The Scientist” which I suspect many of your readers to be.  My question for you is that since I believe that many (if not most) of your readers are “INTJ” would you write more blog posts on the personality types (or archetypes) that would relate well with “INTJ”?

I was fascinated with your series on the party chick, but I think you’re too focused on this archetype.  If that’s what your audience wants, then that’s your call, but I’m voicing my opinion here.   I also have a question for me personally.  Reading through I believe that the personality I’d like best in a woman is “ENFJ – The Giver”.

My second question to you is where can I find this personality (or your equivalent archetype) of woman?  My biggest problem is that I feel comfortable with women, I’m hardly afraid to ask them out, I just need to MEET more of them.  I’m a home body, I hate going to bars and clubs to meet women, and I really don’t want to waste my time dating women I know I wouldn’t connect with.

I admit, I’m looking for a relationship because it’s been awhile for me, and I’d like to get involved with someone of quality.  I read your “Casino of Dating“ post which was brilliant and I’d love to throw some house parties, but I’d like to find where an ENFJ woman would hang around so I can invite them.

I’ve only met one in recent memory, so it’s tricky for me to tell.  Obviously there wouldn’t be a “meeting place” for women that are givers (ENFJ), but I just wish to know more on how to spot them.  Even if you wrote a piece about this type of woman, I’d be incredibly grateful. I’d like more information on this subject Cam, and I know you won’t dissapoint.

Your loyal fan, -Ben

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Hey Ben,

Thanks for the very honest and sincere letter.   I am glad Google pointed you the right way. Lol

You’re correct in your assessment of my articles.  There are probably a number of articles on Party Chicks and how to get those type of chicks.  That’s the type most blog readers struggle with, and it’s the type of woman most commonly found in nightclubs and bars.  I’ve gotten request/emails from quite a few different guys to write about the type of girls who are actually WORTH dating and so the next article is going to cover one such particular type.

I don’t know that it’ll specifically discuss the “ENFJ” personality type but I’ll discuss a type of woman I’ll dub as “Nurturers and Givers.”   You may not like going to bars and clubs, and the amazing thing is, neither does this archetype.

After the next article, you’ll have a good understanding of the type, and you’ll know when you have met one.  There are behavioral and conversational clues that once you know are so obvious, you’ll probably think, “Wow, why didn’t I notice that before!”

Thanks for reading the blog, and spread the word regarding it when you can.

Cameron

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Building Attraction Secrets Ebook

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Hey Cameron,

My names Eric and I just wanted to thank you for helping me out with my personal evolution into being a guy who… well, whatever… is a real guy, I guess.

I gradually climbed my way from a place of ‘no skills’, through doing 600 approaches to a guy who was dating and banging a few different girls. From my POV that was a massive improvement. More than that, I felt competent that I had the skillset to never be without a date again, if I chose.

Listening to Stephen Nash and yourself – which I know about from the podcasts you did with Sinn, Kirkey, and Nash, which I listened to over and over again, literally laughing my ass off multiple times – I took the next step, which was to ‘de-game-ify’ myself and become authentic.

By nature I’m a painfully intellectual guy, doing my PhD right now, and it was through listening to what you’ve said and reading your blog, along with Nash and McKay, that I’ve gradually been able to own up to this strange position. The reality that not everyone connects, and that that is just fine.

Now I date a lot less than before, paradoxically, but each one is more meaningful and closer to what I actually want, which is a girlfriend. With each girl the quality and connection become better, and things are less forced. I am able to have the experience of having butterflies in my stomach, and genuinely caring for the girl, but not being scared at all - in fact being quite direct, and now she is the one that is nervous (the most recent chick, I mean). This is what I always wanted.

Your articles and perspective were invaluable to me, especially how you spoke the truth about club skanks and demographics.

Your voice resonates with unmistakeable integrity, and you give guys an example on how to remain true to themselves – instead of offering themselves up as slaves to pussy and female validation. I wish you would do more podcasts with Sinn, since just listening to you two has me laughing my ass off, with an enormous smile on my face.

Keep up the good work
Eric

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Eric,

Thanks for the good words.  You probably best represent the demographic this blog is meant for: Intelligent guys who need a little boost in their dating life.  I highly doubt my blog appeals to the average Neanderthal, and truth be told, I don’t want to appeal to that segment.  Each time I sit down to write an article, I envision a certain audience which you well represent.

There is an important piece to all of this that you have ALREADY Figured out: Improve your dating life while reducing the need for the validation of women.  Being a “slave to pussy” is unfortunately what a lot of seduction-advice breeds.  The sad thing is that you may have NOT been that way when you first discovered the so-called “Seduction Community.”  However, along the way you adopt the perspective and mindset  of the dating “Gurus” who teach dating advice which very much encompasses what you described in your letter.

It’s important to be able to gain confidence and a skill-set where you’re able to effectively FLIRT with women while being able to rediscover what it was that made you enjoy the individual interactions with people to begin with.

Glad you enjoyed the various podcasts.  I enjoyed doing those.  At the moment, I don’t have any plans for doing podcasts that relate to the seduction community.  If I do more comedic podcasts, it’ll  be more mainstream and wouldn’t have to do anything with dating.

Take care

Cameron

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Are you ready for this??

This is one of those articles that may not be liked by those of you knee-deep entrenched in self-help right now, and it certainly won’t be liked by most of the self-proclaimed gurus who are teaching self-help. Nevertheless, a self-check is always beneficial.

• Why do some people take refuge in self help?

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I got involved with this stuff long ago.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that everyone who becomes involved with this stuff has some sort of an issue.  I realize it’s a very general statement but please stay with me here.  I just haven’t met any exceptions and perhaps one person exists out there who defies the rule, but it’s safe to say, the blanket statement covers 99% of people heavily involved with self-help.

It was difficult for ME to come to this conclusion, because then, that meant I had some sort of an issue as well.  And truth is, I did.   It’s just a matter of identifying the issues and realizing its severity.  I’ve come across so many men who lack basic social skills, the ability to interact at a house party or even give you a friendly handshake.   I didn’t have those issues, so I wondered why I ended up in some conference that was hosting a slew of such men.

Different people take refuge for different reasons.  For some, it’s a lack of social skills, for others it’s lack of confidence or suffering from low self-esteem.  As for me, I went through a period where I was really depressed and not feeling all of that great about myself.  I suppose that’s a mark of all people who go through that phase. If you felt fantastic about yourself, you wouldn’t be depressed.

Still, I don’t have any regrets about studying so much about human behavior or psychology because it’s something I always enjoyed.  For whatever reason, I’ve enjoyed looking at different people’s characters, their behavioral patterns and mannerisms since I Was a kid.  Reading certain blog posts will give you that impression rather quickly.

But surely, you’re talking about just the “Seduction Community?”

Absolutely NOT!  I am talking about ALL Self-help.  I am talking Tony Robbins, NLP, Bandler, Eckhart Tolle, and as main stream as Dr. Phil.   People take refuge in this because they have issues.

Does it mean you’re a bad apple?  Or in layman’s terms, are you a f*cked up individual?

No.  It just means you’re going through a period where things are rough.  You’re navigating through troubled waters.   That’s all.  Granted, you’re going to come across some weirdos and sociopaths, and that’s just how it goes.

Clearly, there also exists a segment of self-help fanatics who have gigantic issues that need serious help.  The majority of self-help enthusiasts, got into it because of the place they were in life.

There are events in life that unravel human beings.  Failed businesses or marriages serve as a good example.   Ever come across a man/woman who went through an extremely bitter divorce?  What about some poor guy who got laid off a job after 20 years of service?  (Similar to the opening sequence in the movie “Up In the Air.”)   That job was his professional life!   Or perhaps someone who is going through depression, OCD, anxiety disorders, and etc?  It happens.

So where does Self-help come in?  Are you ready for this?

Self-Help mostly APPEALS To human beings at the time when they’re most vulnerable!

 All of the aforementioned  folks in the last paragraph could be subjects lured in by  self-help!   It’s at these times of desperate destitution that self-help suddenly appeals to us.  Self-Help products generally do not appeal to moderately happy individuals.

You’d be hard pressed to find well-adjusted genuinely happy individuals at a Tony Robbins Seminar.  More so, you’ll have an even harder time to get that person to listen to a self-help Audio course!   I’ve tried!  You have a better chance  of having them visit the dentist without Novocain than to get them to listen to Tony Robbins.

Self-Help Appeals to us when we’re most vulnerable emotionally and mentally.  Why?

Because it makes sense out of things.  You’re going through a period where your brain is searching for meaning.  Imagine you’ve worked for the same company married to the same spouse for 20 years.  Suddenly, that job fires you (and 100s of others), and your spouse wants a divorce.

20 years of investment of your life and energy seems to have been gone down the drain.  It is so difficult to make sense.  What does it mean?  In times like this, the Universe and the planet don’t make sense.

Enter Self-Help.  It makes sense out of things and sometimes, it’s something as simple as providing perspective for where you’re at.  (Sort of like my attempt with this article, which you’ve probably caught on by now.)   It provides a reference point as to where you are, and where you need to go.  It provides some clarity, a goal, and some guidance. Sometimes, it also provides a support group of peers suffering through similar crisis.

Through a renewed sense self, new goals and objectives, armed with a new perspective, and perhaps a support-group of like-minded peers, you are now ready to forge ahead once again.   In fact, one of the benefits of self-help is providing support groups.  Much like “Alcoholics Anonymous,” a support group of peers is very effective in enabling people to deal with situations.    For the guy/gal above, they’ll find a new spouse or lover, get a new job, or even do something better.  Maybe start a new business and be more productive than before.  Maybe!

“Maybe” is the keyword.  Some people just get stuck in the cycle.

So wait!  What the f**k man!  Are you saying Self-Help is Good or Bad?

It’s neither and it’s a both!  Wow, what a zen answer.  The type of shit you’d find in Self-help books.  I could be a great guru If I could ever stand to be a pretentious bastard.

Self-Help can be good for all of the examples I gave in the last few paragraphs.  3 particular concepts stand out in my experience and obsevation:

1.  New goals,
2. New perspective,
3. A support-group

 The above three concepts help individuals pick up the pieces and forge ahead.  That’s the good, or rather beneficial, part of  self-help.

The bad, or counterproductive, part is when self-help becomes a lifestyle.  It’s when it consumes your life and becomes everything, a perpetual cycle of constant involvement in self-help searching for a some higher goal.

Heroin addicts call it “Chasing The Dragon.”  (OK, I’ve seen it in Documentaries.)   Apparently, the greatest high off of heroin comes off the very first attempt.  You can never rival that high again, and people start doing it to get that affect, but they never can.  Hence, they start chasing the “Dragon” which they can never find.  In the process, it robs them of everything.

If you’re knee-deep engulfed in the trenches of Self-help, you must evaluate if you too are chasing that dragon.  Part of this is commercial.  Similar to a drug-pusher, a self-help guru does NOT want to let you go!  It’s bad for business.

You can bet that there will constantly be an influx of new self-help material  that’s designed to be better than the last.  There will be new discoveries, new realizations, and programs to keep you addicted for a lifetime.  In the meanwhile, the confused addicts keep on purchasing.

See, this is not like the Beetles or the Rolling Stones putting out a new album every year for your musical enjoyment.  You have a choice to buy that or not buy it.  Hey, you may not even like those bands.  Regardless of your affinity for the band, you’re able to make a conscious decision.  In self-help, you’re not able to make that conscious decision.  Technically, you have the power to make the decision, but psychologically, it’s already been made for you.  (A lot of good marketing operates on this platform.)

The self-help guru has already bypassed your critical thinking.  He has already convinced you that you need his wisdom forever and ever, and ever.  In fact, it’s almost like your life would be empty without him constantly pumping you with his wisdom.………   At least, this is the behavior of most self-help marketing machines.  They want you to chase that dragon for a lifetime.  The ones that achieve cult status want you to bring your friends along for the ride.

The truly brilliant ministers of propaganda make self-help a  part of your identity.  Devout followers now swear by it and come to believe that this new information has somehow transcended them from the rest of humanity.  Come to thin think of it, there is another form of doctrine that operates on the same plain of ideology: Organized religion.

These are doctrines that become part of your identity and sense of purpose.  Whether someone is serving Jesus or a new age spiritual guru, he/she ought to perhaps come to realize that in some way , this has become his/her way of life. This is his identity.   This fulfills his sense of purpose.  When you dictate a human being’s sense of purpose and identity, you own his/her soul. You truly do.  You can get him to willingly murder abortion doctors, or a wear suicide bomber vest. 

(And if you read the blog often, you recognize the repeated resurgence  of Purpose/identity theme  often. Pardon the heavy psychology, but it’s important to slap yourself upside the head with realizations.)

It’s imperative for all of us as human beings to have a sense of purpose and an identity.  However, you have to ask yourself: Isn’t silly to have your identity be that of someone who spends tens of 1000s of Dollars on self-help?  IS this something to be proud of?  Could this be something in retrospect to find redeeming?

Oh, but I can see it now.  The influx of anger from gurus and their devout disciples alike: “Ha!  You just don’t understand.”

The problem, my dear Watson, is that I DO understand and hence why you should reevaluate yourself if you find yourself knee deep in the thick swamps of self-help without a paddle.  Take a look at yourself from a third person perspective.

In essence, imagine looking at a biographical movie of yourself on a big screen TV.  We could all use a reality-check once in a while.  Before you do that, maybe you ought to look at my friend’s wife, who has spent tens of 1000s of Dollars on seminars trying to acquire the “Millionaire Mindset.”

She is still not a millionaire.  She is not even a 100,000er.  In fact, had she spent that 20,000 Dollars on buying some stock from Apple 6 years ago, she’d have some decent return on investment right about now, but I digress.

Look at it this way:  People who are fit and healthy do not repeatedly attend weight-loss conventions.  Sure, a fitness aficionado (me included) will pick up a new book  here and there as a hobby but it takes an entirely different type of animal to spend 1000 of Dollars on repeated seminars every single year.

There is a sense of absolutism that self-help gurus operate with.  Simply put, it is an “All or nothing” mentality.  “You’re either with us or against us” mindset drives their business forward forever.  None of their preaching can really be proven or unsproven.  It can’t be confirmed or denied.  It just exists in this plain of fluff caught in a time-space vacuum of ambiguities where only the truly privileged who pay over the course of 50 years can truly come to grasp.

This sense of absolutism must exist because their authority cannot be questioned.  You need their enlightenment forever and ever.  Critical thinking on your part cannot be accepted.  If you can bypass critical-thinking, you can control someone’s actions and behavior.  Henceforth, logic, rational, and reason must be eradicated at all costs. 

A religious person will convince you that a guy rented a small studio apartment literally inside a whale, and that another guy took a pair of every single specie of animals on a ship the size of a modern aircraft carrier which he built without any tools or even a hammer.  

A self-help guru will similarly convince you that he holds the key to enlighenment and anyone who challenges this assertion will be met with character attacks: “You’re negative.  You don’t get it.  You don’t want to get it.  You’re just trying to bring others down… and etc…” 

Should all self-help be discarded?

 No.  Reading books or attending seminars that give you basic building blocks are useful.  I’ve found value in them and I think so have other.  Hey, I write a Blog that gives dating tips.   I even share some of the psychological concepts/tools I have come to learn.  It’s just how long and how much money you devote to this endeavor and how many years you spend that can become borderline ridiculous.

 Did you go to a Tony Robbins seminar?  Good.  I went to one too.  I really enjoyed it.  I’d even recommend it to you except I worry you may fall into the trap of becoming a disciple.  I’ve personally met people who have been involved “Studying” with Tony for almost a decade now.  (And there are no signs of them leaving the compound anytime soon.)  Again, imagine that for a minute: 10 YEARS of studying Tony.

If people immersed themselves in self-help for a year or two to get out of a hole, then there’d be no cause for concern.  Often, it’s not how it works.  OK, I can see the frustration of the malcontent now:

“Man, this guy does Not get it. What do you have against people improving themselves?”

A common response from a self-help guru, I’d presume.  I am an ardent advocate of improving oneself.   You could pick up a book on philosophy, you could enroll in a college course, you could start a physical fitness program, you could start a new hobby….  Wait, How about learning to speak a new language???

Those are all ways of improving oneself, and don’t require you to repeatedly spend 10,000 Dollars a year for the next 10 years.

• So to bring this full circle: What is the goal of self-help?

The goal of self-help is LEAVING IT.  You have certain issues and so you delve into self-help.  In some cases, professional help may be required. In other cases, you get through that period, and you learn some good things.  Whether it’s advice on having a more fit body, a healthier diet, or effectively flirting with the opposite sex, you learn good solid tips that will help guide you. You may even spend a couple of years in it.

Yes, you can learn good information from self-help.  It may benefit you in providing some perspective and teach you some applicable tools to get over the low point you’re in at the moment.

• But do remember: The Goal of Self-Help is Leaving it.

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Cameron

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One of the issues I enjoy discussing, one which sets this blog apart from its rivals, is the transition between the internal and the external.  I’ve dubbed it the Innergame-Outergame bridge.   It’s understanding how you feel about yourself internally exudes and manifests itself externally

This is key to recognizing how you come across right now and how you may come across with more confidence.

When you interact with women in general, most of them will be able to quickly decipher how confident you are with women.  Most guys are oblivious of this because most men get caught in macho bravado of “big talk.”  Everyone can talk a big game but then, and it’s easy to get lost in stories of people, but then there is a time for action.

It’s no different than sports.  You’ve met guys in your life who will brag how good they are at playing basketball, or that they have a black belt in some form of karate.  Well, put them on a basketball court or on the mat, and it’s a different story.

So let’s take a casual and nonthreatening environment such as a house party.  It’s a good mix crowd of people and has a decent number of attractive women as well.

You’re socializing with various folk, and you’re talking to  various girls.  How will they know? How do they distinguish if you’re confident or not?

• One of the biggest factors in determining confidence is your level of comfort.

They discern confidence usually from comfort.  So here are some indicators of comfort that are constantly signaling your level of confidence at every given moment.

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• Body language:

OK, I spend an entire article on this one alone. Do you stand up tall, move with ease? Or are nervous, fidgety, twitching, shifting back and forth while slouched?  In my ebook, there is a partial chapter dedicated to this along with photographs. You may want to get a copy of it.

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• Eye contact:

while engaged in conversation, are you able to engage in eye contact in a relaxed manner? Not looking away, nor staring with that dear in the headlights gaze.

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• Proximity-

This is huge, and now that I’ve mentioned it, you’ll start perhaps noticing it too.  Take a look around at the next party.  Guys who are comfortable with women have no issues with an attractive girl (or any girl) standing close to them.

Scenario: You’re in the kitchen chatting, and you observe two people,  a guy and a girl.  Notice as that she gets closer, he becomes more uncomfortable.  Suddenly their shoulders  are 10 inches apart (25 centimeters) and his behavior changes.  He may back up, he may become herky-jerky, more excited, but it will change somehow.  You will pick up the vibe that he is becoming less uncomfortable as she is inching closer.

The confident dude who is comfortable will maintain same relax posture he had if she were across the room.  Women can sense this.

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• Smile:

Smiling in a friendly casual manner is also an indicator.  It need not be an ear to ear grin with all of your veneers out on display.  It could even be a smirk.  Smiling is an important element. In and of itself, it may not be a clear factor but combined with the various elements I’ve described thus far, it can definitely sway the vote.

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• Touch:

Another huge giveaway.   Guys who are not comfortable with women are not comfortable with touching them.  (not talking about groping or ass grabbing here).  It can be hand on hand, hand on her back, or something simple as a putting your hand on her triceps muscles.

Ever watch those old Michael Jackson videos?  Yes, they’re fantastic music videos, and at the same time, the biggest tell-tale signs that a grown man who is perhaps the most famous man in the planet, is supremely uncomfortable with the touch of a woman.  Granted, he was an extreme case, and he couldn’t fake it in his own videos, but that’s fodder for another article.

Needless to say, being comfortable with casual touching can determine how experienced & confident a guy is with girls.

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• Voice tone:

Not often mentioned, but it’s also huge. For our purposes, we’ll put this in 3 categories:

1. Uncomfortable,
2. Casual,
3. Flirtatious.

 Uncomfortable can vary from nervous/shaky to mild discomfort.   Casual is the same tone you’d have with pals, and coworkers.  You’d have this tone in work situations or professional environments.  Flirtatious is taking the next step up.  It’s more playful, teasing, and it changes as the context of the environment changes.

Some people (and those who teach dating advic) are under the misconception that you must speak with a deep Dracula trance-inducing deep voice at all times.  These are usually creepy nlp guys who have no friends.

 Voice tone changes as does the relationship.  Let’s go to the same house party that we started with and revisit the guy and girl in the kitchen.  In the beginning voice tone is more teasing, playful, and for lack of a better word (cute), where as later on during a quite conversation by the fireplace, it’s deeper, richer and more soothing.

 Let’s say you’re a guy who is naturally good at attracting women, and for some inexplicable reason you ended up on my blog reading this article. You may think that this is really breaking down the obvious, or perhaps it’s really over-analyzing it.  Rest assured, these are things you already DO naturally.  Think about it and you’ll notice your  own patterns.

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What Confident Behavior Looks Like

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For lack of a better word, we can call the above list “Symptoms” of Confidence.  They’re basically like radar-signatures that we are all transmitting at any given time.

This seems like a whole lot to remember, but if you’re trying to remember all of this s hit, you’re not doing yourself a favor. I only mention these so that you are MILDLY  aware of them.  Then let it go.  These things happen naturally.  My aim is to just introduce some of these variances to you if you are someone who struggles a bit in the dating arena.

A guy who is good at engaging women will  create fun banter while another guy will discuss some topic (like the occupation they both happen to share) and discuss it endlessly until there is nothing to be said.  I’ve witnessed this more times than I care to remember.

I’ve seen it at gatherings where an acquaintance who likes a girl is talking to her about some common interest (let’s say it’s about fitness, and all I hear is “yea, I do this and that.  You run? Cool, what kind of running?  I started doing this run and then I went to that…”

There is nothing wrong with a little bit of this, but over a 10 minute span, that is ALL they’ve talked about, and I know that my buddy likes this girl, and I am going crazy in mind wanting to scream at him “Get off this fucking topic!”

Here is the miscue: He is thinking, “oh, cool, I’m exploring a common interest.”
She is thinking: OK, random conversation about running and fitness. Seems cool.

Yet there is no playful banter, no real idea of learning something personal about the other person, or any sort of connection being established. 

Anyhow, that was a complete tangent on the conversational topics.  It’s not the primary focus of this article.  IF you’re interested in conversational skills/topics, get a copy of my ebook, Building Attraction Secrets. (yes, it really is THAT good! I wrote it, I should know)

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• Back to signs of comfort:

Body language, proximity, voice tone, and touch (or reaction to touch), and a smile determine how comfortable a guy around a woman.  This comfort communicates subconsciously how confident he is with women.

So two questions:

1. Do you have to a confident/suave type?
2. How can you use this information?

I’ll answer the two above questions to clear any misconceptions.

1.  Do you have to be a suave/player type?

No!  Most guys are not, and they’re able to get dates/girlfriends and such.  It’s not necessary to be mr. super smooth and every once in a great while, it may be even work against you.  Sometimes a girl who is looking for a boyfriend will write you off when you’re super-smooth because in the back of her mind, she’ll reason: “Man, that guy is too smooth. Player, looking for a piece of ass.”  (and most of the time, she is right on that one.)

How can you use this information?  Well, you can use it as a yard-stick  or a barometer to gauge and ascertain where you need to make improvements on.

Almost exactly, two years ago, I wrote an article about pushing your comfort zone versus being comfortable which I still get emails about to this day. You can read that here:

Pushing Your Comfort Zone VS. Being Comfortable.  What to do!

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Determine your major sticking points and work on them.  As you work to gain more confidence internally, you can have a few goals externally.  Keep them extremely simple: For example, if you’re nervous in touching women, you can make that a priority for yourself.  What if a woman you just met puts her hands on you?  Are you comfortable with that?  Are you comfortable putting your hand on her shoulder for about  two seconds?

Having read this article, you now are more aware of some of your sticking points which serve as areas of improvement.  I’ll reitterate: the point of this article is not to have a check list to remember the next time you’re at a party.  Pick where you want to push your comfort zone.

If from a level of 1 to 10 (and 10 being the most comfortable), you’re at level 3 in touching women, then work on being on level 4.  When comfy with that, push to level 5 and so forth.

This ensures long term success which comes gradually and progressively as opposed to overnight gimmicks you’re being sold everyday.

Cameron

PS. Remember these articles are meant to be used as a resource with my Ebook:  Building Attraction Secrets.

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Question from Steve:

Hi Cameron

I really enjoy your articles and posts on your website- unlike most everyone else is the “industry” you write very well, without a lot of hype, hooks buzzwords and catchwords, you are the most common sense straightforward “normal behavior” guy I have come across.

I have a question (suggestion perhaps for one of your articles)- in the movie “The Professional”  (Natalie Portman/Jean Reno) Gary Oldman plays Stansfield, a psycho DEA agent.  His character has this incredible screen presence and power over everyone he comes into contact with, like he can just totally dominate anyone or any situation no matter how charged.  It seems to me like Stansfield knows he has this power and is aware when he uses it.

Could you explain what this is, where it comes from, and how does a man develop this for himself (to use in a positive way)?

Regards,

Steve

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Hey Steve,

Thanks for the good words

It’s been a few years since I’ve seen “The Professional”, but I do remember the character played by Gary Oldman.

Stansfield

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Much of The “Stansfield” character ‘s influence comes through physical intimidation.  It’s not something that’s applicable.  Ever seen Joe Pesci in Goodfellas or Casino?  Why he is character influential?  Because he intimidates them with physical harm.  I wish there was something fantastical or spiritual about it, but there really isn’t.

Now, a person can possess a certain charisma that influence those around him.  I wrote an extensive article on that.  You can read it here: How to develop Charisma.

Clearly that is different than intimidating physical harm.  Now, the type of presence of power you’re seeking  comes from Strength.  Well, I wrote an article on that as well:

What is Strength? How do you develop it?

(I get to boast here: Isn’t this blog awesome?? It actually ties together.)

If you combine the information contained in those two articles, you have your answer.  But to review a few things without rewriting the entire articles again, I’d say, to have that sort of power:

You need inner strength which stems from having a strong identity and strong beliefs.  More so, you ought to have a sense of purpose that is usually well defined through tangible and measurable goals.

So let’s here is an analogy and role-play with me for a minute.  Humor me please:

Let’s say you’re in Los Angeles and someone told you if you were able to make it to San Francisco within 14 hours, and not a minute late, you’d get a suitcase filled with a 2 million dollars cash. (Tax free.  They cleared it with the IRS apparently.)

Now given that it’s a 6 to 7 hour drive without traffic, you have plenty of time to make it there, even if you hit a couple of bumps on the road.  Got all that?

Now you have a tangible goal and a sense of purpose.  You are focused on the task, and can’t allow for distractions.   You won’t allow distractions because you can’t afford to.  How would your behavior be different?

Think about the details of it.  This is important.  In those instances, your behavior would be somewhat representative of the character you mentioned in your question.

As an example, let’s say someone you know, a friend of a friend, requires 30 minute of your time to tell you about his latest greatest “Multi-level marketing” venture.  You know the pyramid schemes, where you gotta find 5 victims to sell something to, and then they each have to find 5 other dickheads and pretty soon, you’ll all be rolling in the money.

(Yes, I’ve been duped into going to these meetings where they tied to convince me what a grand opportunity I’d been presented.)

But the question is: How do you deal with that dude knowing you can’t be a minute late to SF to get that briefcase.

Here is the kicker:

Many  people you and I casually know wouldn’t make it during that 14-hour window.  I Know that sounds weird, but I firmly believe this.  It’s a seemingly simple task.  Get in the friggin’ car and start driving.  How hard can that be? If you need to borrow a car, do so.  Ditch work, or quit if you have to.

Simple, isn’t it?

But lack of car or having to work won’t be the reasons people don’t make it.  It’ll be a myriad of excuses that would boggle the mind and I’d be wasting my time sitting here trying to think of them.

Now, you may say it’s unrealistic to have that laser focus every single day,.

What you can have are big goals, and smaller goals on the way to achieving the bigger ones.

This doesn’t have to do with specific dating tactics, but your question regarding presence.

By the way, this answer seems so easy, and it is when you look at it from the right context.  Implementation of it takes time, and has to be accomplished gradually in steps.  One weekend at any seminar will not do it, I don’t care whose seminar, Tony Robbins, guru zorcna, or whoever.

That brings me to another aspect of self-help.  There is only so much advice you can take.  In the scenario I presented above,  would you spend 2 hours first reading some Eckhart Tolle before you started driving SF? Seriously, would ya?

You probably arrange for reliable transportation, (1972 Ford Pinto is out),  get a stack of maps, and a GPS system to top it off, maybe pick the brains of a few pals who have made the trip before and then hit the road.

There is a lesson to be learned there:

Get the info you need to start, and hit the road.  Start doing it.

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So many times we get lost in the bullshit.  Distractions come from all sorts of angles and you waste time, seemingly unconcerned, indifferent, and lackadaisical.  If you could somewhat focus on where you’re going, then imagine the possibilities of discoveries along the way.  And on the way there, you just might develop the passion and presence of Stansfield-character you sought.

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How To Get Girls Without Ever Being Rejected Again!

Have you ever had a moment where you felt rejected and ashamed?  Where there were butterflies in your stomach and you walked away with your head hanging low feeling like you were going to projectile vomit from the shame of being rejected by that girl you liked?  You felt like a total loser.

Remember what a piece of shit you felt like?  Well, you never have to be rejected ever again.  With my new system, you’ll never have that shame.

And if you send me 500 Dollars right now, I’ll share my inner most secrets, only held for my inner-sanctum club members who must sign an affidavit that they’ll never share this information with anyone again.

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I bet you have seen that catchy headline in big bold letters before, haven’t ya?  Hey, I’ve seen it without even trying.  I am sure you’ve seen it a few times.  Quite frankly, some dating gurus do believe in that. (I’ll get to that later)

So then, how about Never Ever Being Rejected Again?

Guess what?

It’s bullshit.

Yep.  Sorry, I’m the one who has to burst that bubble, but you’ve gotta admit you were a bit of a sucker for believing that headline to begin with.  Before I discuss the dating aspect of all of this, you’ve got to wonder:

How did our society come to be this way?  Some would argue it’s rise of fanatical feminism, the emasculation of America, others would argue it’s the lack of father figures in the lives of the modern day men.  Well, let’s leave that philosophical discussion for a different time.

Regardless of who you are, somewhere, sometime, you’re going to have to deal with rejection.  It may not even be a person. I’ll get back to that in a minute as well.  But first, I want to share a story.

Several years back, I came across a girl at a house party who was a cocktail waitress.  She has just moved to Los Angeles from Las Vegas.  She had various tales of working in one of the hottest Casinos in Vegas.  However, there was one particular story that shared three different times!

Her claim to fame, the story she liked to repeat, was that while working at the Bellagio casino in Vegas, Matt Damon had hit on her.

“Did you go out with him?  What happened?”   People curiously wondered.  Inquiring minds wanted to know.  I mean, it’s motherf**king Matt Damon.  Do tell!

To which she proudly and boastfully replied with a particular roar:

“NO way!!  He is so not my type”

I know!  I am with you!  Chances are your initial reactions were similar to mine!

Your initial gut reaction is to think “WTF?  Matt Damon wouldn’t use your hair to wipe his ass if he were fresh out of toilet paper after engorging for 3 hours at the Bellagio buffet.”

Then you have to allow cooler heads to prevail and realize that this is a statement born out of insecurity.  One that she had to repeat constantly and then mention on top of it that he was not her type made her feel better somehow.

It dawned on me at some point that she received more gratification from having rejected Mr. Damon than had she gone out on a date, (or perhaps just to his room for a shag.)  Now, she can be boast about having rejected Matt Damon.  A lot of girls may talk about having slept with him, but how many can proudly boast about rejecting him?

Yes, people’s psyche can be a bit screwed up.  That’s not the point of this story.  (And by the way, this is a true story from about 5 years ago.)

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Not Good Enough........

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The point is, at the end of the day, Matt Damon didn’t succeed in getting this girl.  Really good looking, rich, international movie star with all of his hits in the” Ocean’s 11” and “Jason Bourne” trilogies didn’t get this girl.

Most guys reading this blog are NOT Matt Damon.  Well, most guys in the world aren’t in terms of, let’s call it,  “Bachelor Eligibility.”  Point being, if it can happen to that dude, then it’s going to happen to everyone else as well. The key is: With what perspective do you look at it???

Well, sometimes, I like to speculate.  Right about now, I am speculating that what Matt Damon probably did NOT do is run to his suite at that famous Vegas Hotel and order a “Never Be Rejected Again” product by scam–marketers on the Internet.

Of course, that’s just a speculation on my part.  Well… you get the idea.

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Trying to eliminate all rejection before ever stepping out is, not only impractical, but it’s a bit shameful.  Fact of the matter is there will be times, where for whatever reason, you may be turned down.  As I mentioned earlier, it may not even be by a person or a dating situation.

It happens man.  You go on a job interview and you don’t get a job offer.  You were by far the best candidate and the job went to someone the hiring manager knew personally.  A bit of nepotism at work.

It happens.  So what? Trying to live life so you can never fail is a weird proposition.  Not to mention most of the guys who advocate this type of behavior would never have your back in a fight.  I have no respect for that.

The fact of the matter is almost everyone experiences set backs.  It’s the resilient who keep pushing forward, and we are talking about far outside the scope of dating here.  You see it in business, politics, and sports, everywhere…

It’s extremely prevalent in sports.  Many times, sports are a microcosm of life.  How many times have you seen a sports team or an athlete fall short only to get back up to try again?  You see it from world famous champions, whether you watch basketball, football, boxing or MMA.

Now, in the dating world, different guys have different methods. I’ve had friends who hand women a business card and if she is interested, she can call them. (There is a way to set this up properly).   Even then, they are a lot female card-recipients who’ll never call. Others may say, “I’m going to social event XYZ.  Come join us.”  She may or may not show.

Is that a straight forward rejection?  Perhaps not, but it’s still a “Not all that interested” signal.

What does it mean? Nothing really, outside of at this point in time, for reasons we don’t really know, she is not interested.

In the same manner, YOU may not be interested in a woman.  It may be her physical appearance, it may be her personality, or maybe you can’t stand dumb girls.  It doesn’t matter.  As far as she can tell, you’re not interested in seriously dating her.  A random individual could read the above and says, “No duh.  That’s common sense.“   He’d be right.  It is common sense, and yet that seems to elude so many who seem to come down with a serious case of cognitive dissonance when it comes to dating and women.   Their logical circuitry is completely overwhelmed by their emotional zeal to discover a new method where it can lessen the burden of rejection.

No one really likes rejection.  Some people are more sensitive to it than others. Part of it is life experience, and part of it is how your brain processes information.  If you look at Myers’ Briggs personality test based on Carl Jung’s work, you start to make more sense out of it. An individual who is feeling/perceiving is going to be more sensitive for example.

Fresh out college, I once had a sales job where I had to make cold-calls on the phone.  I hated it.  I did it, but I fucking hated it.  I couldn’t even explain why, but I absolutely despised making those calls. I didn’t know these people, they didn’t know me.  We didn’t even know what the other looked like, but I despised it.

A buddy of mine on the other hand, didn’t mind it so much. He could make 6 phone calls where people used profanities, insulted him, and hung up.   ”Oh, that just means they weren’t interested.  Next person” he’d say. To him, it was no big deal. he plowed through like a bulldozer.  So some people seem to be wired differently, but everyone can learn to deal with rejection.

• Back to the dating world, there is no magical formula that’s going to free of rejection forever and ever.

People are writing these (Never Be Rejected Again) headlines are

1. Full of shit
2. Assuming that you’re a total pussy
3. That you are a sucker who’ll believe anything.

They might as well sell you a book/dvd on how to contact the tooth fairy and Santa  Clause.

Some girls are not going to be interested for a wide variety of reasons.  Instead of working on becoming more attractive by being more appealing engaging and interesting in general, men, get lost in the magical kingdom of trying to never be rejected again.

To think of how silly that notion is, I want you to imagine a tough character; and hey, who serves as a better example etched in people’s minds than Clint Eastwood!

Whether it was in his early cowboy films (the Spaghetti Westerns), the “Dirty Harry” series, or most recently in “Grand Torino” (at age 80) Clint is the quintessential tough guy, a man’s man, a throwback to the old days.

Now imagine, someone like him sitting behind his computer seeking advice on how to never be rejected by a woman again.

It’s like trying to imagine someone intelligent and well-informed watching fox news constantly.  You can’t do it.  It’s hard to even imagine that in an alternate universe.  It’s almost like your brain would rather have you push diarrhea into your pants than try to imagine in detail one of those Clint Eastwood characters sitting behind a computer attempting to seek advice on “How to never be rejected again.”

So, I say go for it.  Take calculate risks and if you fall short, pick yourself up, and go for it again. She doesn’t want to go out with you?  Fine. Happens to everybody.  It’s how you handle it from there that separates the men from the boys, so to speak.

In attempting to avoid rejection at all costs, what kind of precedence are you setting for yourself?  What sort of precedence are you creating in your psyche?

If you were to have kids one day, how would you want to raise them?  Think about that for a minute.  Then consider how full of shit the guy giving you the advice is.

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Granted, you can choose to view rejection in different ways.  It’s basic psychological reframing.

• The Law of Averages

I was involved in doing Sales for many years where you come to learn about the law of averages quickly.  Let’s presume you sold a product that 1 out of 10 people actually purchased.

So, you have a good presentation, a decent product, and you make your pitch. You ask 10 people to buy and on the average, you get one sale.  It’s just the way it goes.  On the average, 9 out of 10 people are not going to buy your product.  With each rejection, you know that you’re getting closer to a yes.

Mathematically speaking, there is no guarantee that the tenth person will buy or say “yes.”  Nevertheless, in the back of your mind you know the law of averages.  A lesser salesperson may get 1 out of 20.  You can 1 out of 10, and if you’ve had 7 nays thus far, a “Yes” is around the corner.

What’s important to realize is that rejection or “Not Interested at the moment” replies happen to almost everybody.  The key is to take it in stride, and learn from it.  It’s easy sometimes to take to take matters we consider intimate personally even when they are not.

In the dating realm, do remember ultimately, if you’re seeking more confidence in dating, you have to arrive at a point where you can be OK with the fact that some girls just will not be interested and that’s OK.  It even happens to Mr. Matt Damon hitting on a confused (But attractive) Vegas casino cocktail waitress.

Lengthy article, but well worth your time to revisit it time to time.  What you can take away:

1. People selling “Never Be Rejected Advice” are usually scam artists.
2. They’re assuming that you’re a completely spineless pussy.
3. They’re also assuming you’re an idiot, or at least, naive.
4. Rejection happens in Dating to all people.
5. Rejection does not feel good, but happens in all walks of life
6. The important thing is to keep moving forward.
7. Learn something from it, and take it stride.
8. Remember the law of Averages.
9. You’re not the first, nor the last.
10. A “No” is getting you just one step closer to a “Yes.”

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Cameron

Learn to Attract Women Naturally by getting a copy of the Building Attraction Ebook.

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This is the toughest thing for some guys to do sometimes, and to make matters worse, trying to beat around the bush only compounds the issue.

Typical scenario: Guy reads dating advice online.  He wants to be a player or discreet, or whatever. He starts trying all sorts of clever techniques to ask a girl out. The problem essentially is that a lot of guys want to use player lines and styles while they lack any sort of congruency with that vibe.

Sometimes, the basics work the best.  I mean something cliché that you see in the movies.  So what’s the obstruction?

Well, everyone wants to be a player. Maybe not every single dude, but a lot of the guys who seek dating advice seek so under the guise of becoming the proverbial Lothario, a Don-Juan, a ladies man, or the modern day Cassanova.  Now days, they call it being a “Player.”  (I’ll get back to the reason why this is later.)

Sometimes, becoming normal is the most important thing.  Then take it up a notch from there.  Hence, some of the advice seekers would be so far better off asking a girl on a date.

Can I take you out sometime?  (or would you like to go dinner with me)

[PS. And as you know,  I don't even endorse dinner dates, but you get the idea.]

Man, they’re so cliché, passé , old-school, they’re so…….. 1950s, like Richie Cunningham from “Happy Days.”

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Richie Cunningham

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Right?  Yep, it may be all of that, and it’d probably work better than what a lot of guys seeking dating advice are using right now. Guys find refuge on the Internet to seek advice regarding Dating, but often times, ending up stepping backwards.  They try devising clever schemes and roundabout unconventional means to try and ask a girl out.

They’ll talk about getting a number close, or a “Bridge” or whatever  vernacular is the current popular flavor of the day.  Surely, the terminology will change, but the concept is the same:  They’ll ask a girl out in nonchalant ways  such as, “We should continue this conversation later.  How do we go about doing that?”

This is to entice her, or perhaps drop the subtle hint that she should offer the phone number herself.  Some guys don’t even do that. They send an invitation to some obscure event without trying to imply the context that it’s a date.  Most of the time, it doesn’t work very we for those particular dudes.  Most such guys would be just better off trying the “Old-School” way most often.

But wait, I can almost hear the yelling and screaming through my monitor now:

“But that’s what losers do, pundits and hardliners scream and shout. What?  Ask a girl out? Go on a traditional date! Ha! That’s what chumps do.”

Well, Perhaps, but then I’d give a thumbs up to the chump who is out with a girl he likes on a traditional date, than a guy alone by himself under the illusion that he somehow is better than that chump.

I have a buddy (not in anyway involved with dating advice) who dates often.  His personal favorite thing to do is ask girls out on a dinner date.  Personally I highly advise against “Dinner Dates” and if you’ve read my Ebook, you are already aware.  That discussion is for another day.  Girls who are interested follow through, and no, it’s not because they want a free dinner (for the smart asses reading this right now.)   It should be said that my buddy is not rich or über -good looking.  However, he does dress well, and comes across as having his shit together.

So, why am I advocating the old-school method for some men?

For a variety of reasons:

A.  It makes sense in the girl’s perception of reality.  This is a very concept that deserves its own article.  However, for the time being, it’s important to understand that  she has a certain understanding of how things work in the dating realm.

There are years of conditioning that have lead to where she is now. Let’s observe:

Social Conditioning

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There were the middle school dances that started when she was 12 or 13 years old.
There were high school events.
There was homecoming.
Of course, there was THE PROM!

A guy asked a girl out and they went to the prom together, and then it just built on from there.  Not to mention countless movies that are built around this dynamic.  How many teenage romantic comedies can you name just now that are built around a girl or hapless guy trying to score that big prom date for that ever so significant high school event?

Being asked out on a date in socially conditioned and ingrained in our psyches, at least, with most of us in the Western part of the world.  (I am not aware how this works within a tribal society in the Serengeti plains of Africa.  Forgive my limitations here.)

And by the way,  if you’re a cool suave motherfucker like Mickey Rourke, go ahead and break all conventional rules.  Be the cool charming guy from nine and a half weeks.  Take her on a whirlwind ride and be the romance hero from a romance novel.  Wait, if you were that, you wouldn’t be online seeking dating advice.  (Between you and me, let’s be honest here.)

So you’re not a Mickey Rourke.  You want to be Mickey Rourke, but in order to become that guy, you need to have more girls.  In order to get girls, you have to start somewhere. So maybe you start the traditional way.

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Everybody wants to be the Fonz

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With more dates, you get more experience. With more experience, you gain more comfort with women, and your confidence grows.  When your confidence peaks, well, maybe you will be one cool suave mofo.    See, it all makes sense. (And that’s why this is the best blog of its kind on the Internet, but I digress.)

One thing we can surely on agree on is that meeting in secret lairs in subterranean dwellings with other unidentified organisms is not the way to go. So then, back to something conventional: IT makes sense to her

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B.  There is no misunderstanding of context.

Going on a date automatically implies a romantic context.  There is no misunderstanding, nothing lost in translation.  After that evening, either you’ll want to see each other again, or you won’t.  There is no misunderstanding of WHY you two are spending time together.  Often times, guys wonder if she knows what his intentions are.  Chances are pretty good that shoe does. However, asking her out on a “Date” per se puts some sort of a stamp on it.  It’s better than asking for an email address or a facebook.

Sometimes nothing screams “What A Big Pussy” louder than asking a girl for her Facebook contact info.

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C.  It saves time.  Some guys are actually busy as they have careers and a life.

I’ve come across guys who have their own careers, work, and so forth.  I’ve come across all types.  I’ve met guys who were married and now are divorced finding themselves back on the single scene.  Maybe YOU can relate to this?  They get online, receive some decent advice, but then they also find themselves dressing up in outlandish gear trying to make conversation with 23 year old Attention-Deficit Disorder suffering idiots in a night club full of sharks.

This is probably not the best use of your time, strengths, or resources. It’s best to play to your strengths.

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Is “Asking A Girl On A Date” an end-all, be-all, solution?  Not at all.  If you lack skills to make playful banter conversation, or lack skills to flirt and have fun with girls, you’re still going to have to develop those skills.  For certain men, it’ll be a terrible idea.  If you’re too nervous to even chat with a girl, you may be better off making some casual progress first before you start going the traditional route.  There are obviously various styles of dates and methods of asking someone out, and perhaps, I’ll do an article on that some other time.

For the moment, however, undoubtedly there are men who will come across this blog article and they’ll  identify themselves as guys similar to my aforementioned buddy.  Well put together, (groomed, clean, well dressed, and looking like you take care of yourself), these particular guys will benefit MORE from just asking a girl to go on a date than trying to use clever secret roundabout techniques to get a girl out. Asking a girl out will be far more efficient and effective than asking for “Facebook” or inviting her to some random party that you may be attending, and so forth.

But then, what if you want to be a player and come across as smooth?   That’s fine.  That’ll come with experience.  You just have to ask yourself one question:

-          Are you looking to come across as a “Player” because this means you have more women around you, OR, are you just interested in appearing “Cool” in front of your buddies, coworkers, and other people in general?

That, you have to answer for yourself.  While you contemplate that, remember sometimes the answer lies in simplicity.    Sometimes that simplicity is,

“Would you join me for a drink sometime!”

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