{"id":1822,"date":"2010-02-19T13:48:13","date_gmt":"2010-02-19T20:48:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/attractwomenanywhere.com\/blog\/?p=1822"},"modified":"2012-03-24T13:08:32","modified_gmt":"2012-03-24T20:08:32","slug":"what-is-charm-how-do-you-develop-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/attractwomenanywhere.com\/blog\/2010\/02\/19\/what-is-charm-how-do-you-develop-it\/","title":{"rendered":"What is Charm? How Do You Develop Charm?"},"content":{"rendered":"

How to be Charming<\/span><\/h2>\n

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In the last article, I talked about what Charisma is and how you can go about developing it.\u00a0\u00a0 Remember that there are two main elements to charismatic individuals:\u00a0 Their inner-working personal beliefs, and subsequently, the Behavior that exudes as a direct the result of how they\u2019re particularly wired.\u00a0 You can read that article here:<\/p>\n

Defining Charisma & Charm – How to develop each<\/a><\/p>\n

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Charm is different than Charisma.\u00a0\u00a0 I touched upon this briefly in the last article. Certain people such as JFK were extremely charismatic as well as charming.\u00a0 Other historical figures such as General Patton were charismatic leaders who were not thought of as \u201cCharming\u201d by any historical account.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s the difference?\u00a0 What creates Charm?\u00a0 These are answers I had to go and research for myself to learn and so I came to realize the consistencies and patterns of those individuals, so let’s get to it.<\/p>\n

People who are charming have the ability to make other people feel good<\/strong>, even if it\u2019s for a very short period.\u00a0 The definition is really that simple, but then, if it\u2019s so simple, why can\u2019t everyone be charming?\u00a0 Surely, someone is to read this article at some point and think, \u201cI try hard to make others feel good.\u00a0 They don\u2019t appreciate it, nor do they see me as charming<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 (By the way, trying hard to be charming is part of the problem, but I\u2019ll get to that later.)<\/p>\n

The reason is that charm has to come from a cool confidence.\u00a0 It’s funny but until about a few years ago, I didn\u2019t even know the word con-man really stood for \u201cConfidence Man.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 I had assumed it somehow equated to a “Fraud” or a “Swindle.”\u00a0\u00a0 I was amazed to learn that the \u201cCon\u201d in Con-man actually stood for \u201cConfidence.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0The people who can dupe you so easily sometimes are better known as “Confidence-men.”\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Interesting, don’t ya think?\u00a0\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to rip people off to be charming.\u00a0 The point is that confidence from a cool reserved demeanor is a prerequisite for having Charm.<\/p>\n

Noteworthy examples of Charming Individuals:<\/p>\n

. Bill Clinton<\/p>\n

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Bill Clinton<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

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Two of the most famous notable charming people in recent history are United States Presidents Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama.\u00a0 It\u2019s not uncommon to hear reports of their \u201cCharm\u201d from random individuals recalling their encounters with these two Presidents.<\/p>\n

Both Clinton and Obama possess that cool confidence and demeanor which is mandatory.\u00a0 It\u2019s an absolutely necessary ingredient one must possess before he\/she can start making others feel good.<\/p>\n

Once you have that baseline established, you can make people feel better about themselves, usually by giving compliments.\u00a0 They don\u2019t have to be cheesy compliments, but rather they can be appreciations for their work.\u00a0 Even our current president Obama has this charm.\u00a0 Obama and Bill Clinton don\u2019t have anywhere close to the Charisma of JFK, but they do have the Charm factor.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also the ability to relate to people.\u00a0 Whether it\u2019s lawyer or the farmer plowing the land, each one feels as though Clinton and Obama understand his situation to some degree.\u00a0 This is also part of \u201cCharm.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Barack Obama<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

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Bill Clinton has a fantastic memory and is able to recall names and faces of countless individuals he has come across.\u00a0 This is part of his charm.\u00a0 He is able to make people feel important, and those who have come to meet him personally, usually report what a charming man he is. If he can\u2019t remember their name, he remembers the encounter which still has a significant impact on people\u2019s emotions.<\/p>\n

Individual like Dale Carnegie have written extensively about having the ability to make people feel good. \u201cHow to win friends & influence people<\/span><\/em>\u201d is a fine piece of writing that has stood the test of time.\u00a0 \u00a0I\u2019ve read quite large chunks of the book and think that it is a fantastic piece of prose on creating rapport and improving rapport skills.\u00a0 Yet, there is one area which Dale Carengie and his contemporaries failed to address: Social Value.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

This single element of human-interpersonal relations is the most neglected factor by social psychologists, and self-help advisors such as Mr. Dale Carnegie.\u00a0\u00a0 Sometimes, people read these books in order to be able to become more attractive in the dating world.\u00a0 It rarely ever works in gaining attraction because the mechanisms for human attraction require a different set of criteria than criteria for\u00a0establishing rapport.\u00a0 This is why men repeatedly fail to attract women even after reading works of Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries in the self-improvement business.\u00a0 (It may be why you’re reading this article at this very moment.)<\/p>\n

YES, to be charming, you\u2019ll be served well to dish out compliments.\u00a0 YES, it\u2019s important that those compliments be sincere.\u00a0 YES, these actions will make people feel good.<\/p>\n

All of that is true, IF YOU HAVE PROPER SOCIAL VALUE.<\/span> This is the piece of the puzzle that Dale Carnegie and his contemporaries missed.\u00a0 People don\u2019t always care for a barrage of compliments from those who have less social value. They LOVE compliments from those who have higher, or at least, equal social value. You may not meet Bill Clinton or Mr. Obama, but then, you may find yourself at a house party with a charming host.\u00a0 Let’s examine that.<\/p>\n

What made this party-host charming?\u00a0 He made you feel good, important and welcomed in his house, but he did so from a place of non-needniess.<\/strong> In other words, he was not<\/span> seeking your approval.\u00a0 This is key.<\/p>\n

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Approval seeking compliments backfire where as non-approval seeking compliments charm.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

A sincere non-needy compliment that is not fishing or seeking your approval from someone of respectable social value will charm you.\u00a0 It\u2019ll make you feel good, and accepted.\u00a0 It\u2019s a natural human trait to want to be accepted.\u00a0 It\u2019s almost hardwired in us from 100s of thousands of tribal living. No one likes being the outcast from the tribe.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s remind ourselves that this charm is different than charisma.\u00a0 So let\u2019s revisit the party host who made you feel good, warm, and fuzzy.<\/p>\n

-Did he galvanize you (or anyone else for that matter) to take action?\u00a0\u00a0 No.
\n-Was he inspirational or passionate?\u00a0 Not necessarily.
\n-Did he have a strong sense of purpose?\u00a0 Not necessarily.<\/p>\n

The above are prerequisites for “Charisma” as I discussed in the previous article.\u00a0\u00a0 This particular host was charming.<\/p>\n

What he had going for him was the fact that he came from a cool place of confidence. He has a \u201cCool\u201d demeanor about him, and had recognizable social value.\u00a0 Having established that, his compliments came across not as a vehicle to seek your approval but rather, as a sincere act of chivalry and generosity.<\/p>\n

It made you feel chummy and cozy.\u00a0 Hey, maybe it made you curl your toes and giggle.\u00a0 Regardless, you left the encounter thinking, \u201cWow, Charming Fella.\u201d<\/em> It\u2019s no different if Bill Clinton shook your hand and thanked sincerely for making the event and even cracked a joke for you to share.\u00a0 You may hate his politics but you\u2019ll probably still walk away thinking he was charming.<\/p>\n

Again, a sincere \u201cThank you\u201d coming\u00a0 from someone of high social value carries weight and it has some meaning.\u00a0 That same \u201cThank you\u201d from someone of low social value will be very easily dismissed.\u00a0 Simply put: As human beings, we love to be rewarded with approval from those whom we PERCEIVE to be of high stature.<\/p>\n

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