How Do Women Gauge Your Confidence??


One of the issues I enjoy discussing, one which sets this blog apart from its rivals, is the transition between the internal and the external.  I’ve dubbed it the Innergame-Outergame bridge.   It’s understanding how you feel about yourself internally exudes and manifests itself externally

This is key to recognizing how you come across right now and how you may come across with more confidence.

When you interact with women in general, most of them will be able to quickly decipher how confident you are with women.  Most guys are oblivious of this because most men get caught in macho bravado of “big talk.”  Everyone can talk a big game but then, and it’s easy to get lost in stories of people, but then there is a time for action.

It’s no different than sports.  You’ve met guys in your life who will brag how good they are at playing basketball, or that they have a black belt in some form of karate.  Well, put them on a basketball court or on the mat, and it’s a different story.

So let’s take a casual and nonthreatening environment such as a house party.  It’s a good mix crowd of people and has a decent number of attractive women as well.

You’re socializing with various folk, and you’re talking to  various girls.  How will they know? How do they distinguish if you’re confident or not?

  • One of the biggest factors in determining confidence is your level of comfort.

They discern confidence usually from comfort.  So here are some indicators of comfort that are constantly signaling your level of confidence at every given moment.


  • Body language:

OK, I spend an entire article on this one alone. Do you stand up tall, move with ease? Or are nervous, fidgety, twitching, shifting back and forth while slouched?  In my ebook, there is a partial chapter dedicated to this along with photographs. You may want to get a copy of it.


  • Eye contact:

while engaged in conversation, are you able to engage in eye contact in a relaxed manner? Not looking away, nor staring with that dear in the headlights gaze.


  • Proximity-

This is huge, and now that I’ve mentioned it, you’ll start perhaps noticing it too.  Take a look around at the next party.  Guys who are comfortable with women have no issues with an attractive girl (or any girl) standing close to them.

Scenario: You’re in the kitchen chatting, and you observe two people,  a guy and a girl.  Notice as that she gets closer, he becomes more uncomfortable.  Suddenly their shoulders  are 10 inches apart (25 centimeters) and his behavior changes.  He may back up, he may become herky-jerky, more excited, but it will change somehow.  You will pick up the vibe that he is becoming less uncomfortable as she is inching closer.

The confident dude who is comfortable will maintain same relax posture he had if she were across the room.  Women can sense this.


  • Smile:

Smiling in a friendly casual manner is also an indicator.  It need not be an ear to ear grin with all of your veneers out on display.  It could even be a smirk.  Smiling is an important element. In and of itself, it may not be a clear factor but combined with the various elements I’ve described thus far, it can definitely sway the vote.


  • Touch:

Another huge giveaway.   Guys who are not comfortable with women are not comfortable with touching them.  (not talking about groping or ass grabbing here).  It can be hand on hand, hand on her back, or something simple as a putting your hand on her triceps muscles.

Ever watch those old Michael Jackson videos?  Yes, they’re fantastic music videos, and at the same time, the biggest tell-tale signs that a grown man who is perhaps the most famous man in the planet, is supremely uncomfortable with the touch of a woman.  Granted, he was an extreme case, and he couldn’t fake it in his own videos, but that’s fodder for another article.

Needless to say, being comfortable with casual touching can determine how experienced & confident a guy is with girls.


  • Voice tone:

Not often mentioned, but it’s also huge. For our purposes, we’ll put this in 3 categories:

  1. Uncomfortable,
  2. Casual,
  3. Flirtatious.

 Uncomfortable can vary from nervous/shaky to mild discomfort.   Casual is the same tone you’d have with pals, and coworkers.  You’d have this tone in work situations or professional environments.  Flirtatious is taking the next step up.  It’s more playful, teasing, and it changes as the context of the environment changes.

Some people (and those who teach dating advic) are under the misconception that you must speak with a deep Dracula trance-inducing deep voice at all times.  These are usually creepy nlp guys who have no friends.

 Voice tone changes as does the relationship.  Let’s go to the same house party that we started with and revisit the guy and girl in the kitchen.  In the beginning voice tone is more teasing, playful, and for lack of a better word (cute), where as later on during a quite conversation by the fireplace, it’s deeper, richer and more soothing.

 Let’s say you’re a guy who is naturally good at attracting women, and for some inexplicable reason you ended up on my blog reading this article. You may think that this is really breaking down the obvious, or perhaps it’s really over-analyzing it.  Rest assured, these are things you already DO naturally.  Think about it and you’ll notice your  own patterns.



What Confident Behavior Looks Like


For lack of a better word, we can call the above list “Symptoms” of Confidence.  They’re basically like radar-signatures that we are all transmitting at any given time.

This seems like a whole lot to remember, but if you’re trying to remember all of this s hit, you’re not doing yourself a favor. I only mention these so that you are MILDLY  aware of them.  Then let it go.  These things happen naturally.  My aim is to just introduce some of these variances to you if you are someone who struggles a bit in the dating arena.

A guy who is good at engaging women will  create fun banter while another guy will discuss some topic (like the occupation they both happen to share) and discuss it endlessly until there is nothing to be said.  I’ve witnessed this more times than I care to remember.

I’ve seen it at gatherings where an acquaintance who likes a girl is talking to her about some common interest (let’s say it’s about fitness, and all I hear is “yea, I do this and that.  You run? Cool, what kind of running?  I started doing this run and then I went to that…”

There is nothing wrong with a little bit of this, but over a 10 minute span, that is ALL they’ve talked about, and I know that my buddy likes this girl, and I am going crazy in mind wanting to scream at him “Get off this fucking topic!”

Here is the miscue: He is thinking, “oh, cool, I’m exploring a common interest.
She is thinking: OK, random conversation about running and fitness. Seems cool.

Yet there is no playful banter, no real idea of learning something personal about the other person, or any sort of connection being established. 

Anyhow, that was a complete tangent on the conversational topics.  It’s not the primary focus of this article.  IF you’re interested in conversational skills/topics, get a copy of my ebook, Building Attraction Secrets. (yes, it really is THAT good! I wrote it, I should know)


  • Back to signs of comfort:

Body language, proximity, voice tone, and touch (or reaction to touch), and a smile determine how comfortable a guy around a woman.  This comfort communicates subconsciously how confident he is with women.

So two questions:

  1. Do you have to a confident/suave type?
  2. How can you use this information?

I’ll answer the two above questions to clear any misconceptions.

1.  Do you have to be a suave/player type?

No!  Most guys are not, and they’re able to get dates/girlfriends and such.  It’s not necessary to be mr. super smooth and every once in a great while, it may be even work against you.  Sometimes a girl who is looking for a boyfriend will write you off when you’re super-smooth because in the back of her mind, she’ll reason: “Man, that guy is too smooth. Player, looking for a piece of ass.”  (and most of the time, she is right on that one.)

How can you use this information?  Well, you can use it as a yard-stick  or a barometer to gauge and ascertain where you need to make improvements on.

Almost exactly, two years ago, I wrote an article about pushing your comfort zone versus being comfortable which I still get emails about to this day. You can read that here:

Pushing Your Comfort Zone VS. Being Comfortable.  What to do!


Determine your major sticking points and work on them.  As you work to gain more confidence internally, you can have a few goals externally.  Keep them extremely simple: For example, if you’re nervous in touching women, you can make that a priority for yourself.  What if a woman you just met puts her hands on you?  Are you comfortable with that?  Are you comfortable putting your hand on her shoulder for about  two seconds?

Having read this article, you now are more aware of some of your sticking points which serve as areas of improvement.  I’ll reitterate: the point of this article is not to have a check list to remember the next time you’re at a party.  Pick where you want to push your comfort zone.

If from a level of 1 to 10 (and 10 being the most comfortable), you’re at level 3 in touching women, then work on being on level 4.  When comfy with that, push to level 5 and so forth.

This ensures long term success which comes gradually and progressively as opposed to overnight gimmicks you’re being sold everyday.


PS. Remember these articles are meant to be used as a resource with my Ebook:  Building Attraction Secrets.