Instinctive Mastery in Dating & Attracting Women
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The last Blog entry evoked certain emotions from people regarding “Being Fine the way you are.” Certainly, many people need to improve social skills, but then there are those whose greater problem is a poor self-image. I am going to get back to that shortly.
It’s a common experience that the more you study a subject in depth, there more details and nuances you begin to grasp. It’s my experience that as you realize the fine details, you also see an overlying theme of simplicity that runs rampant throughout the entire theme.
This does not apply just to established sciences. We can take sports as an example. I consider myself a bit of a basketball snob. I love the game and am arrogant enough to believe I understand it better than a lot of people who play it at far higher levels. (Which may not be saying all that much once you see interviews with some pro athletes who can’t speak 3 proper sentences.) The point is this: The more details you learn, the more fascinated you become to know more, and yet you see an underlying simplicity to the game.
So, in basketball, as you learn about playing post defense, whether to play fully behind someone, play 3/4th coverage, or full denial in front of someone while depending on weak-side help to cover the lob pass to the baseline…… you also begin to see that elegant simplicity that ties it all together: Don’t allow the guy you’re guarding to catch the ball in his favorite spot.
The same concept applies to learning more about the topic of attraction and dating. There are a lot of fine nuances to it, and you can delve into fascinating details regarding social interactions between human beings, but there is a simplicity that ties it all together.
When I began to study all of this stuff, I didn’t care about the details. I just wanted to know what to say to girls upon approaching them. That’s all I cared about. Somehow, on the way to learning that, I became really involved in learning far more than I had set out to do. I delved deep into understanding nuances of social interactions and the psychology of people’s behaviors. I even became a certified hypnotherapist in the process, and had you told me that 10 years ago, I would have completely laughed at you.
One of those common themes is “Don’t be a pussy.” You can get knee deep in theory, and I am happy to indulge the intellectual side of you, but really, a common theme that encapsulates the idea brilliantly is, “Don’t be a Pussy.” I could expand on that, but that’s a topic for another day.
Another coming trend is “Logic Vs. Emotion.” That’s the topic for today. Those of you who have listened to my audio product are aware of this dynamic, as I make it a blatant point to deliver this message. A little reminder, however, never hurt anyone so let’s delve more into that.
So let’s get back to my last Blog entry regarding “Being Fine the Way You Are,” self-acceptance, and improving confidence.
It’s a matter of how you look at it. You may be well dressed, well groomed and have pleasant to interact with socially, but your self-image of your own person may be rather poor. So really, you are not “Fine just the way you are” in a metaphoric sense. You must work on improving your self-image. This takes a bit of effort, but it’s also the most rewarding part of the experience that pays the biggest dividends.
In that regard, a Blog commenter responded to my last Blog Article:
“Knowing how to think is good but this doesnt change our feelings much. Pick up is in most part about us feeling confident.”
I see where he is coming from, but the mistake in his approach is that he is approaching the situation logically. He is applying a logical translation to something that must recognized intuitively. Knowing something logically does not always influence behavior.
His error lies in that he is trying to take logical knowledge and apply it in order to change his feelings.
- Remember that the subconscious mind is responsible for emotions and that the emotion of fear is driven from subconscious beliefs.
Example:
Let’s take a person who has a horrid phobia of snakes. Give him/her a snake and you can watch that person have a nervous breakdown. The feeling of fear is very real. The emotion is real. The reason is illogical.
Now, explain logically to that person that the species of snake she is holding is completely harmless to human beings. Hold the snake yourself, pull out an encyclapedia on snakes and show her that specific specie of snake to be non-poisonous and explain with perfect reason that there is no possible harm.
Cover all of the logical angles. By all accounts of logic and reason, there is NO HARM to any human holding this particular snake.
Will that work? NOPE! Of course not! IF you have ever come across someone who has a phobia of anything (Spiders, open spaces, etc..), you know that logical explanations do not make a bit of damn difference.
That’s because the logical mind does not control your emotions. The emotions arise out of your subconscious mind. They are your internal beliefs and reactions. Granted, if you are sitting in Arizona desert, and there is a rattle snake a short distance away rattling its tail, you have a logical cause for concern. This is a real perceived threat. We are not talking about that in this article.
Most things people worry about are not present and clear dangers. They’re fears based on beliefs they have inside their own heads. The competence you acquire has to become subconscious at some point. You have to DO, not think, but there is a process that takes a person from one to the other.
A lot of the stuff you read from me is designed to take one level closer to that subconscious competence. In the attempt to gain that positive self-image, you have to be willing to keep moving forward. You must be willing to apply yourself.
That means when you chat with a girl, you don’t consciously think about what to say. You instinctively KNOW what to say. You don’t worry about if she may like you or not, but you learn to not really put too much emphasis on it either way. These things all make sense logically, but their full impact will not be felt until they are believed on a deeper level.
Cameron
PS. The articles on this blog will have a profound impact on your dating life. Please realize that they are supplementary and supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work. Get a copy of my Ebook here: Building Attraction with Women
What steps do you feel are necessary to attain subconscious competence?
I posted my question prematurely, so here is part 2 :)
I’ve read other psychology material (non dating related) which states our subconscious/habitual mind is the result of old “programming” done to our brains from when we were younger. The programming I’m referring to is a collection of beliefs. Naturally the question is, how do we reprogram ourselves?
It is possible for us to consciously learn how to attract women and to learn mindsets to be successful. However, it is said our subconscious mind operates between 95-99% of the time. So even if we learn new things, if it isn’t subconsciously internalized then our “old selves” will resurface even if we consciously oppose it. I believe this is something bigger than attracting women.
You can’t think your way out of a fear or phobia. The way to retrain the subconscious mind is to show it enough counter-examples to your fear through actions. Which means, if you’re afraid of snakes, exposing yourself GRADUALLY to snakes…. maybe start with a picture of a snake first, then when you’re comfortable with that move on to a rubber snake, then to a live snake in a cage, then to holding a harmless one, for example. In psychotherapy it’s called ‘exposure’ treatment. You need to gradually expose yourself to your fear on a level that makes you feel anxious enough that it’s just tolerable and you get used to it. You can have the knowledge logically that the snake is harmless from the beginning, but your biological response to the fear (the feeling of anxiety, the fight-or-flight response, etc) only gets toned down by repeated exposures and learning.
Interesting as always :-)
On the ‘nuances’ and ‘simplicity’ theme; when I first got into the game and really applied myself based on my scant knowledge (mostly on C&F/negs, appearance, and Body Language) I got some great beginners luck. I wonder if that was actually because I was basically being 80% my ‘old’ self who probably wasn’t all that bad after all, but with a few modifications. I kept it *simple* through lack of knowledge.
But then I got sucked into all the nuances. Became a keyboard jockey. Didn’t really improve my game and while I got good at ‘pumping buying temperature’ and had some ‘crazy party girl situations’ I never really got back the ‘good luck’ I had at the start when basically I made a girl really fall for me.
Then after about 12-18 months I got jaded. I realized I was in love with the game itself rather than the end result and started to lose my ‘obsession’.
And now? Two years in and I still have a strong -interest- but now I’m back to my old pre-game AFC self. Or at least I *feel* like I am. But although I’m not a ‘player’ I get *much* more interest from girls than I did 2 years ago and make friends much more easily in general. I think I have internalized a lot of what I’ve learned. So although I don’t *conciously* apply it so much it has changed my vibe and now I feel a)socially much more confident and b) at least more in-tune and *competent*, if not ‘expert’ with women.
Is that a familiar pattern to anyone else?
>>You must work on improving your self-image. This takes a bit of effort, but it’s also the most rewarding part of the experience that pays the biggest dividends.<<
How do I do that? Any recommended reading?
fr0stze,
What you are advocating is referred to as “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.” In the Snake example, it’s one way to get out of a phobia, but it’s not the only one.
You can reference the example I give in Part 2 of Strengthening your Innergame regarding the guy who fell off the roof of his house at age 9.
Mack,
Yes, most of a person’s beliefs are formed at a young age.
As for becoming better at attracting women, you’re looking to acquire subconscious competence. When you practice something often, and understand it intuitively, it becomes instinctual.
Watch a great boxer at work. He doesn’t think to himself, “Maybe I should weave now, circle around, and come back with a left hook.”
He does it based on honed instinct. Naturally, there is some strategy and thinking that takes place but the basics are instinctually grasped. (Watch any professional athlete, basketball, football, Tennis….)
How do you get there?
Improving yourself image, letting go of limitations & old beliefs, gaining conscious competence, and practicing what you have learned.
(All stuff I cover in chapter 2 of My Audio Course, by the way ;-)
It’s also having an open attitude to learn and implement new information with a positive attitude. (meaning you don’t tie in your willingness to learn with your self-esteem.) Learning to better yourself does not mean something is wrong with you. To me, it means, there is something very right. I tend to think there is something wrong if you want to be stagnant all the time. (Well, not “Wrong”, but not my cup of tea.) You get the point.
Take care