Lessons from PUA Goldie-Locks

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At its time, it was THE major gathering of teachers of seduction.  Seduction experts from seemingly all over the world had come to this place by planes, trains and horseback to congregate and discuss their “Seduction methods.”

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Super convention

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About to take the stage was PUA-Goldie locks. [note: PUA is a moronic acronym that stands for Pick Up Artist.]  PUA Goldie-locks had male-model looks and an attitude to match.  We were in awe.  We were told we are in for something special.  We had been graced by greatness.  Wow, my first encounter with Goldielocks!

“You see that man up there?  Ha?  You see THAT Man?  He is the Don.  That man is the Don,” A seminar worker cheered.  I told him I thought that the last guy was the best.  He yelled back,    “Well, yeah, the last guy is the best, but then, this guy blows him away.  Listen to what he has to say.  He is that good.  Pay VERY close attention.  You understand?  You WANT to hear what this man going on stage has to say.”

So I watched and listened, attempting to absorb as much information as possible from this master who seemed to walk on water for most people.  Rumors flew around in loud whispers across the room.

–”I hear PUA-Goldie locks has been with over a 1000 women.”

“Dude, no.  Not a 1000!  I heard PUA Goldie locks has been with over 2000!  That guy is really good.”

The envious stares gazed upon PUA goldie locks as he started telling his stories of how he sets up his scores with women.   What a life he leads. He has everything.  He looks like a male model, has women crawling all over him, and seems to have it all figured out.

Who could want more than that out of life?  Surely, he lived a life that left the mere mortals envious.  He was Zeus amongst the mortals.   Looking like a soap opera star, he always had women hanging around.  Sporting long silky blonde hair that danced to the wind, eyebrows plucked to perfection and skin that glistened so well it would make the girls at the Clinique counter wet with envy.

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Goldie Loks in all his Glory

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After his legendary appearance on stage, PUA Goldie-locks disappeared for a few years.    He vanished back into the fairy tale he came from.  People went their separate ways, but every so often, you’d hear about his presentation and the legend that surrounded him.  In speakeasy places, basements and dark alleys people whispered, “Whatever happened to Goldie-locks?” Across the land, in bars and hidden locations, inquiring and envious minds wondered….

Wow, what ever became of Goldie-locks?

I went my own way too.  I went out, tried everything, pushed the edge of social dynamics, became fanatical, discovering what was possible, studying nuances of human behavior, reaction and interaction, what made us tick, what made us react, what moved us and of course what attracted us.

I met and hung out with a whole lot of other PUAs, the top of the food chain, cream of the crops, Kings of the jungle, (I am running out of clichés.)  I went through the gamut.   I hung out with cool guys, good guys, talented guys, ambitious guys, socio-paths, pathological liars, and the like.

I became good in my own right.  Very good.  Able to approach strangers anytime, anywhere, leap tall buildings and stop runaway locomotives.  I had learned a lot to the point that I felt I had far surpassed any knowledge goldie-locks could ever teach.

Enter PUA-Golie locks into the scene once again:

  • “Extra, Extra.  Goldie Locks has returned to Earth.”

Return of the Goldie-Locks

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He is back and he is now a guru giving dating advice.   Through coincidence, we meet again at a local nightspot, and this time, I am no longer the kid with the envious eyes.  For better or worse, I am now considered a guru too even if I don’t want that label.  We meet on even plains this time.  His hair still glistens, his skin still done by clinique. No longer a student, I start hanging out with goldie-locks every so often.  We happen to frequent some of the same nightlife establishments.  We have a lot of conversations over the course of the next 6 months.  He has some very good ideas and some ideas I don’t agree with at all.

As we spend more time, I begin to realize a strange phenomenon:  That PUA Goldie locks is incredibly shallow.  It’s not that he is bad or good.  He is not evil nor is he out to get anyone.  He doesn’t mean anyone harm from what I can tell. He just operates on a very surface level.  Conversations never have any depth to them and he is never interested in anything more than Cocktails and After-Parties.

He is just shallow.   There is no better way to explain it.  I wish I had a better synonym or description.  His entire life revolves around “Cocktails” and “After Parties.”

A 100,000 years of human evolution has surmounted to : Cocktails and After parties.  If the fucking cavemen had cocktails and after-parties, we would have never progressed to space exploration.  So we ought to be thankful that cocktails and after-parties were not discovered too soon in our evolutionary curve.

I am talking to one of my favorite guys in the scene one day, and we are discussing mutual acquaintances.  Subject of goldie-locks comes up.  I say, “Ya know, it’s amazing: Cumulatively, I have had over 10 hours upon hours of conversation with that dude.  Yet, I know nothing about him, except that he grew up in the city of  [xyz].  That’s where he spent his high school years.

He roars: “Shit, that’s more than I know.  I didn’t even know what town he was from.”

I realize that the biography of Goldie-Locks is similar to that of Jesus of Nazareth in that there is no accounting for him before his mid 20s.  We know that Goldie-locks was born most likely in a hospital somewhere in America, but then we know nothing about him til he is like 25, ordering cocktails and going to after parties and banging chicks.

Over 10 hours of conversation, and I know nothing about goldie-locks.  I know nothing about where he grew up, what he did for a living before, what his passions are in life, if he has any passions, or if he has any aspirations beyond drinking cocktails and looking for after parties.  I don’t even know if watches or likes sports, politics, or underwater basketweaving.  He also knows nothing about me.

It’s not for lack of trying.  I tried to have a conversation that had substance.  12 hours of talking with someone and you’d think you’d know something about them, why they became who they are. Not Goldie-locks.  He just wants Cocktails.

It’s not that he is trying to be alpha, or that he is trying to be mysterious.  Nothing matters to him beyond a good time, a few cocktails and maybe some snatch.  And no, I don’t mean a woman.  I really do mean a snatch.  If somehow a piece of vagina could be kept on life support next to a cocktail bar, goldie-locks would be in Heaven. In fact, if goldie-locks believed in heaven, that’d be his depiction of it.

After 6 months of sporadically spending time with Goldie locks, I realized that he really doesn’t have any close friends, male or female, that his relationships are all running on surface level, discussing repetitive banal garbage that’d make one want to shoot oneself from boredom.  A tsunami could have just killed 500 million people in South east Asia and he’d be concerned if that’d affect the price & availability of his favorite rum.   In fact, I could see the interaction now.

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Random Person
“Wow, Have you seen the images of the people
wiped out in the Sunami?, goldielocks?  It’s sad.”

Goldie-locks
“No, I haven’t.  I heard about it. It’s sad.  All we can do is
send them positive thoughts. Wow, it just cost
an extra $5 for my cocktail.  That tsunami does
affect everyone.  The price of imported
Rum has skyrocketed.”

Being a fan of human psychology, behavior and social interaction, I do wonder how such people come to exist. Are there brains wired differently than the rest?  OR is it a product of their social conditioning?  Perhaps a combination of both.  You’ve gotta wonder:  How can a person be so oblivious to anything that goes on around him?  People getting slaughtered in Dafur?  Important Presidential Election coming up in the United States?  Man thrown in jail wrongfully accused?

  • Cocktails, parties, more cocktails.  Where is  my drink?  Where is the party?”

And it’s not that I expect him to pick up a gun and go to Africa to fight the War-lord Mumba-lumba, in a crusading effort to bring justice.  But fucking hey, how about at least reading and knowing about it?

If a biographical movie were made about his life, it’d have the Seinfeld motif: “Goldielocks: The Life About Nothing!”

Growing up, I always held in high esteem people who stood for something despite the odds.  Actually still do.  So it’s rather befuddling to see someone who stands for nothing.   War, poverty, politics, burning of the rainforest, holocaust, global warming…. Nothing ever registers on his radar except cocktails and after parties.

I am reminded of the Vietnam -War Movies where one soldier carries his wounded friend on his back to the chopper and by doing so increases the risk of getting shot himself by a 100 fold.  He puts down his life to carry his friend out.  In my mind, I imagine if goldielocks had been in that situation.

Exterior- Dense Jungle- Daytime (Machine gun fire everywhere, explosions, chaos)

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Wounded Soldier
I took a hit in my legs. I can’t walk
Godamit!

Goldie-locks
Listen, just think positive. I have to get
Going because I am really swamped right now.
I am busy Making arrangements for an after-party.
You should stop by too.

Wounded Soldier
What? I can’t walk!
Help me Goldielocks.
I can still hop on one leg.  Help me
GET ME BACK to
the chopper. Get me back to the LZ.

Goldie-locks
Listen, I’d love to help out.  But that’d slow
Me down and I’d miss the first chopper.
If I wait for the 2nd chopper, I’d be late
to the after party…

Wounded Soldier
Come on Goldielocks.  Call in for some
Help.  I am in severe pain here.  I want to get
back home.   At least, leave your
Morphine pack here with.
It fucking hurts!!!

Goldielocks
I’d like to, but I’ve invited some lady friends
And I’ll be needing the morphine for the After-party,
If you know what I mean. (wink)
Again, I’d love to see you there!

Wounded Solider
Damn you goldie locks!  We are Marines!
Remember our code: God, Unit, Country!  Come on!
Help me limp outta here!!

Goldielocks,
Nope. The code is:  Cocktails, After-parties, Snatch.
Gotta go.  Come to the After-Party if you can.

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It all seems silly in retrospect.  This is what I looked up to?????  This is what we were envious of??  This was the goal that was placed for us as a pinnacle of achievement in our personal life?

Maybe Goldie locks is a happy person circling through a revolving door of cocktails and after-parties.  However, the great thing about my journey is that it has taught me valuable lessons and allowed me to realize my core values more vividly than ever before.

Perhaps it is the mark of most socialites to have a whole lot of the same 5 minute conversations with other shallow individuals repeatedly.  (And make no mistake, Goldie-locks is a just one in a long line of socialites.)

It occurs to me that Goldie-locks could be Bill Murray’s character in the movie “Groundhog day” where his character lives the same day over and over again for many years.

WAIT!   Goldie-locks DOES live Billy Murray’s life in Grondhog day.   It’s cocktails and after parties everyday for a 100 years.  It’s the same 5 to 10 min conversation with the same pool of the same 20 people every day.  “Hey, how are you?  Good to hear.  How was your night?   What are you doing later?  What are you drinking? Where is the after party?  You coming to the after party?  You really should join us in the after party.”

Henceforth, I look at PUA goldielocks and think to myself,

“Man, I don’t want to be anything like this guy..  I am nothing like that dude, & his life is nothing I want to emulate.  Hey,  maybe it’s because I actually like having friends or maybe it’s that I actually enjoy talking women as human beings…..”

Despite the sarcastic satire of my reflections, I don’t dislike goldie-locks. In fact, when I next see him, I’ll probably joke around and discuss the next after-party over a cocktail, unless he reads this blog and identifies himself as goldielocks.  Then again, my blog doesn’t serve cocktails so odds are good, he wouldn’t be reading it.

Actually, I highly doubt he’d care even if he read it.  My blog doesn’t affect his after-party.  I do wonder if he knows he is shallow.  It’s like do really retarded people KNOW they’re operating from a diminished capacity? Do dogs know they’re dogs?  OK, enough random thoughts.

It occurs to me that goldielocks is practically a “mimbo.”  He is the male version of the club bimbos most people make fun of, or mock in pop-culture.  In retrospect, I feel a little silly having looked up to these people, even if it were just a brief period in time.  I did a couple of lessons from the experience.  I learned that the “lifestyle” some people sell isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be, and that you can learn a few pointers from somone without actually respecting his ways or behavior…..   We have Goldie-locks to thank for that.

Now, let’s drink a cocktail and figure out where the After-Party is tonight………