Dating & Attraction Tips for the Socially Fit Man.  (Part 3)
Putting Nice Guys Over the Top

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In part of this series, I discussed “Why Some Nice Guys Finish Last in Dating.”

Let’s continue building on the last theme from part 2:  Creating a sexual vibe.

I talked about how it’s important to recognize the sexuality in a woman and how to create a sexual vibe.  Along the same path, there is another element that needs to be discussed:

  • Conveying Sexuality/Being Comfortable with Your Own

This is driven from the last one.  As you recall, I talked about how to create sexual tension and gave the example of the conversation by the escalator.  Seems simple enough until you notice that certain men aren’t really comfortable with their own sexuality.

Since it’s your job to make a woman feel comfortable with HER Sexuality, it’s going to be awfully difficult if you’re not even comfortable with yours.

There is a certain sense of sexual confidence that you should carry yourself that communicates to women that you too are a sexual being.  It’s almost like a look of sexual appreciation.  If I a better writer, I could explain it better.  Because right about now, you’re thinking that you do appreciate sexuality.  Why, you have watched your fair share of porn online and have done more than your fair share of one handed web surfing. Most men have.  It’s not about that.  Everyone can jerk off to porn on the computer screen or Television.  Give that all pro a live woman and watch him become unraveled.

It’s sexual confidence that comes from a place of assurance.  It’s not needy.  It’s appreciative.  It’s that you can appreciate their sexuality in a way that comes across as encouraging rather than creepy. It exudes through how you carry yourself, how you speak, and sometime simply through how you look at them.  It’s knowing when to make a sexual remark and knowing when to back away.

All of that starts with a little bit of self-assurance and comfort with your own sexuality.

How to Achieve this:

The first part of this is taking steps to build up your self-esteem and I discuss that from time to time on this Blog.  It certainly is not going to be covered in just one article or a few paragraphs.  You’re definitely welcome to go the left menu on the blog under “Categories” and click on “Innergame & Self-Confidence.”   You’ll see a list of articles that are dedicated to the issue of Self-Esteem.

The second part is get a better understanding of sex and what it entails.  Most guys in America get their ideas about sex from watching Porn!  Yes, most of us guys masturbate to porn during or teenage years and heck, you some guys may even enjoy watching it with their girlfriends.  So what’s the issue?  It does not represent real sex.

As an adult, you don’t watch a poorly dubbed cheesy Kung Fu flick and think it represents real fighting, do ya?

As an adult, you don’t watch Rambo take on the entire Vietnamese army along with half of the Russian one by himself and think it’s real, right?

Then why would you assume that watching porn is any more realistic? In fact, let me put it this way: Rambo taking on half of South East Asia by himself is more realistic than some of the porn you watch.   This is not to condemn you in watching it, nor is it to condemn you for your hobby of self-pleasure.  Just realize it’s more of a fantasy like the cheesy poorly dubbed Kung Fu movie, and you’ll be far better off.

Take steps into becoming more comfortable with your sexuality. (And beware of Snake oil salesman selling you sex-help products.)

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  • Setting Boundaries:

This is another issue that plagues the “Nice Guys.”  They don’t set boundaries as to what they’ll tolerate and what they won’t.  As I mentioned in the beginning, you don’t have to become a prick in order to accomplish this. You just have realize that there is a point you won’t go beyond, and let that be known.

It’s a trap a lot of people fall into, and it’s normally easier to see in other people than yourself. When you’re emotionally involved with someone, it’s tough to see straight sometimes.  Nevertheless, bring back to focus what is important: Setting Boundaries that are based on your personal values.

You’ll find the Nice-guy-overdoing it-syndrome revealing itself in overly trying to impress a girl.  Calling too often, trying too hard, sending inordinate amounts of texts, and so forth.  You’ll notice they agree with everything an attractive girl says because they think it’ll generate attraction.  It’s not necessary to belittle her for her views but it’s not also not necessary to agree with them either.

A man has to have a clear idea of what he’ll tolerate and what he won’t.  For example, you may not tolerate some dude badmouthing a friend of yours.  That same dynamic ought to apply to a female. This is where the Nice-Guy-Syndrome pops its ugly head.  She may say something negative about a friend of yours which you vehemently disagree with, and yet, you find yourself saying nothing.

In a nutshell, you shouldn’t tolerate disrespect. The second you’ve done that, you’ve sold out yourself and your integrity as well as your masculinity.

If you examine your past interactions, you’ll find a lot of instances where you cut someone slacked because they were physically attractive.  Has it ever worked out for you?  Do you realize I’ve known college professors who cut attractive girls slack because…….well, the girls were “hot”?   I’m actually thinking of a particular guy who is a History teacher in college.  (I am certain this goes on with great consistency in various colleges.)

Would you care to guess how many girls he has dated from his classes?   Zero!
Would you care to guess how many he has had sexual relations with?  Zero!

Let’s be honest here: He awarded them better grades than they deserved because they were attractive and he wanted these girls to like him.  It wasn’t out of compassion.  It was not as if a particular girl was making an effort, working two jobs to make ends meet, and he felt compassion for her situation.

He did so hoping that they’d be attracted to him, and it has not worked one time for him!  Doing what he does not only costs him with the girls taking his class, but it costs him attraction with women in all of his dating life. Why?

Because when you’ve done that, you’ve weakened your compromise as a person, and you’ve sold out your integrity.  Subconsciously, you’ve weakened your resolve and that translates into all areas of life, not just that isolated incident.

So keep your resolve whether you’re teaching a 6 month long college course or you’re just asking someone to be courteous in your car when you don’t allow smoking inside your vehicle.  The simple things add up as well.  As a personal example, I don’t wear shoes inside my house, nor do I like shoes on my carpet.  Hey man, I’ve got a nice shoe-rack for people to comfortably rest their precious shoes on until they’re prepared to leave.

Most people are courteous of it, except you get a few people (both male & female) who want to test what they can get away with.  Perhaps they’re just lazy and don’t want to untie and retie their shoe laces.  I don’t really know.  But here is the thing: Shoes come off in my house if you want to come into my place.  Man/woman, no matter.

Use that analogy and apply to areas in your life.  You’ll notice how often you let people slide because you avoid a potentially perceived uncomfortable moment where you have to actually blurt out “Hey, I’d appreciate it if you take the shoes off.”   You’d even be more surprised to notice how often you let attractive women slide because you’re afraid they may not like you or want to date.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  People lose attraction for those whom they can’t respect.

Knowing what your personal boundaries are, and sticking to your values despite your discomfort is a good place to start establishing your newfound sense of self.

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  • Quick Recap of this Entire Series:

Written for socially well adjusted successful nice guys.  You have a good career track, you have a decent social circle of friends and now you’re looking to attract more women, and have more success in your dating life.

In this 3-part series, I covered:

  • More Emotionally Charged Conversation
  • Being More Spontaneous at times
  • Having more FUN
  • Leading (all 3 types)
  • Looking at women as sexual beings
  • Creating a sexual vibe/sexual tension
  • Conveying sexuality/being more comfortable with yourself
  • Setting Boundaries/sticking to your values

All of the above may or may not apply to you.  Pick out the ones which you feel are more pertinent.  Don’t over think it.  Just take an objective look and you’ll notice for yourself.  From that point, make the necessary adjustments and you will experience more success in your dating life, and you will attract more women.

It doesn’t have to be complicated.  You just have to start understanding the simple elements and more importantly, start applying them. This doesn’t make you a “Bad boy” and nor do you have to be one.  You also need not grow a goatee, and get enough tattoos to look like you were just released from cell block D.

Effectively applying the guidelines above you’ll have the best of both worlds: You’ll be attractive and appealing, and suitable enough for someone to introduce to family and friends complete with bragging rights.

Wishing you more success in your dating life,

Cameron

PS.  The very article you’ve just read will significantly impact your dating life (and who knows, it may circumvent a messy divorce).  Please realize that it is supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work.  Get yourself a copy here:  Building Attraction Ebook