Better Sex, Being a Better Lover


 I received an email from a lad in Europe.  He has made some breakthroughs in some self-realizations and finished the email by asking questions about sexual prowess.  Well, I’ll let you read the excerpts for yourself.

……. The blog is full of useful info… yet I think what most of the guys are missing is “purpose of action”. Why am I doing this? As I was studying community material (and was wondering if acting as gay as M***w can get someone laid…or just make a total clown of yourself in front of a decently intelligent woman)…finally I realized my whole mindset was made of seeking approval. What do women like? How can I do this to make it “be good”… Also realizing the fact that I was still in the same patterns as in highschool somehow…kinda having fun with women but still having an underlying blanket of insecurity and limiting beliefs and lack of fulfillment…

  Now ….I find xxxxx xxxxx’s stuff really creepy …because I find the man creepy. Some good stuff but altogether not what I wanna create with a woman. Is this all about trusting your desires and letting passion guide you? I read xxxx xxxxxx’s book…I kinda enjoyed it….cosmo advice but with a lot of insight into “paying attention to her” and the way it applies… What do you think about this stuff? Can you give me some direction if you think a guy can study stuff like this anywhere? I don’t know… Deida or something? Is there someone/something you endorse on this subject? I might have answered my own question… that a man who does what he wants in life, lives with purpose and is true to his desires should be automatically good in bed….yet…what do you think about this?


Hey Ian,

 You raise a good point about purchasing “How to have better sex” products.  I think that gaining some skills in becoming a better lover will definitely do you good, and give you sexual confidence.    I’ll share the three basic principles that I’ve come to see as the most important ones in being a good lover.  I won’t sit here and brag about my sexual prowess to no end, but let’s just say if it were a job interview, I could provide excellent references from girls I’ve dated in the past. 

 In my experience &observation, there are 3 main elements to being a good lover and I think you’ll find these 3 main elements beneficial.

The 3 essential pieces of being a great lover in bed in my experience:

  • Skills aspect- Physically knowing what to do…

  There is an actual skills part as far as knowing what to do physically.  Whether it’s oral sex or intercourse, (or whatever)…. it pays to understand female anatomy, how it works, and what makes women feel good.  Women themselves will tell you that what most guys think is great sex (jumping on and pounding away) is in poor judgment.

 Keep in mind that a lot of girls in their early to mid 20s don’t really even know their bodies that well, so it becomes important for you to be able to show them the way.  Many girls in that age range are not in tune with their bodies, and many have not taken the time to personally experiment to even know what feels good. 

  • Mental Aspect – The Ability to be able to get a woman to relax and be comfortable.

Many women are not very comfortable during sex, especially the first time.  For whatever reason, men are much less self-conscious about their aesthetic physique than women are.  A man with a big beer gut is much more accepting of himself than a woman who is just 5 pounds overweight.  You could attribute that to social pressure, social conditioning, and various social stigmas, but that’s outside of the scope of this article. 

 It becomes essential that you are able to make a woman feel comfortable with you in bed.   If you can do that, you open the Pandora’s box to a world of possibilities.  Not only she’ll have a fantastic experience, she’ll also be open to sharing her fantasies once you’ve gained her trust. Hence, the more comfort and trust she has with you, the more she’ll be willing to try all of the things that she has fantasized about, but didn’t tell her previous lovers/boyfriends because she was afraid how he’d react. 

 Being able to make her comfortable starts with you being comfortable with yourself.  You also have to be able to take the lead, and have confidence because you know what you’re doing.  Sporting a masculine take-charge vibe while being open is the formula here.  That means while you’ll entertain all sorts of ideas, ultimately, you’re in charge in the bedroom.  Women who do appreciate good sex will appreciate that as well.

 The great thing about sex is that during its intimacy, you can be totally honest.  Man, all of the things that were socially inappropriate to say now can actually be said.  All of the compliments that you could not say when first meeting them, you can now say.  I can tell girls how incredibly hot I find them and I can tell them the filthy thoughts I had the moment when we first met.  (Most other times, this would be socially unacceptable, and too much too soon.)  But that’s the great thing about good passionate sex, it’s very honest.

  • Awareness: Observation, Being present,

 The last piece is observing and listening to what she responds to.   For example, one girl may absolutely love having her neck and ears kissed and nibbled on, and another is not so crazy about it .  She is ok with it, but could take it or leave it.  Some have more sensitive nipples than others, some like their bellies kissed more, some like the neck kissed but don’t care for their ears being played with, and it goes on and on. 

  A lot of guys have a specific playbook they want to run which doesn’t work.  While everyone shares the same anatomy, personal preferences vary and this is something you can learn by observing and listening.  In one sense “Cosmo” is right in that regard, but then they take it too far and don’t really tell you how to do anything properly.  They have an article about sex in every issue for the past 20 years and they’re still no closer to solving the issue.  (If they did, they’d have to stop selling magazines.)   It’s really as simple as I explained in the above paragraph.  You just have to play around and get the gist of it.


  Those are the 3 main components.  Obviously, you can delve deeper into each one and study them further, but whatever you’re studying will pretty much fall under the 3 categories I’ve created above.

There are countless products on the market designed to help you with your sexual performance.  If you have questions on technicalities and such, you could forward them to Steve P.  Generally, most of the guys who sell “How to better sex” products in the Seduction community have ripped off and stolen from Steve P. at some point.  Anyhow, that’s whom I endorse in this area. 

As for sexual techniques, studying a bit is good but you don’t need to read a 1000 books about it. I read books about that even before I was into the PUA stuff because I was curious about it. I’ve find that the even the mainstream books give you the basics you need to know.  There is no deep dark secret about fucking. There is no need to for a hidden secret community to learn about it. Read a few things, get the basics of it, and you’re good to go.

 As for being a good lover, a lot of it comes down to attitude and the bar is not set that high. Most guys are crappy lovers, or at least from what women tell me. I suppose they could be lying, but I don’t see a majority of women (from different walks of life) having complaints about previous lovers being poor as something they’d randomly just lie about.

Learn the basics, and have fun with it. I think guys worry about “Being the best lover she has ever had“. That’s a flawed theory. Because you may be an incredible lover, but then, she may have had another guy who was good, (not incredible) with whom she was deeply in love with. The emotional passion is going to far outweigh the physcial aspect of it.

Once again, we are back to striking a balance. It’s good to be a great lover, but it’s not great to be a good lover.  What I mean by that is that they’re not going to send you a Congressional Medal of Honor because you’re a good lover. Once again, we are back to overcompensating for insecurities.  Making your woman feel good in bed should not be born out of insecurity, in my opinion.  It should be in the spirit of giving.  (Obvisouly, all of this is my personal perspective.)

IMO, It’s great that a man cares about taking care of his woman, but when it’s an obsession, when he has to prove that he is so far better than everyone else she has ever had, when he tries to prove that all the time, then we are back to the same insecurities that get men in trouble with dating.

19th Century American folk hero, Davy Crockett, once famously said,   

“Be sure you’re right, then go ahead.” 

That dynamic applies here to some extent as well.  Be sure you know what you’re doing, then go ahead.    It’s that simple!  And yes, this may be the only time on the Internet where you see a Davy Crockett reference in a “How to have better sexual prowess” article.  It’s what makes the blog special. 
thanks for writing,
take care

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