Being Direct With Women – Practical Guide

.

A blog reader, Charlie V, wrote a comment to the last post that deserves a well thought out reply in order to explain the dynamics involved.  Here are some of the excerpts:

 The irony in meeting women especially in clubs is that us guys think we have to do so much work. But the reality is that they will have us pegged the minute we open our mouths. What you say, in conjunction with your attitude, will let them know if you’re a “Player”, “Regular Guy” or a “Dumbass.” And thus, this is where the problem arises.

I’ve used Mode One, Pickup101, BadBoy, and Shark opening tactics before (i’ve tried them all) and I can tell you, consistently opening with direct or so-called “sincere” openings and getting laid is just a fantasy. I’ve never done it and I’ve never met anyone who can do it on a consistent basis also.

And believe me, I tried it for awhile and gave it a chance. But, all it gets you is getting pegged as the player wolf who hangs out late at night every weekend.

I also worked as a bartender at Señor Frog’s here in Puerto Rico and in many other bars and have also hung out with the best players of San Juan, so I can attest to you, that I have observed them and my customers with a keen objective eye as possible and I have never met or seen any of them consistently open with “direct” openers and get laid at a night club. It is a high numbers game.

And that’s why I call bullshit on all of those guys who preach Direct as the best way. In some cases, it may work. But in most cases it will just leave you with a fantasy.

Cameron, I enjoy reading all your posts. I’ve used them to reaffirm what I have experienced and seen and not just to regurgitate what I have read in an e-book. Great shit, man!!

 

                ——————————————————————————————————

 

Thanks for the good words, my man.  As they say in the hood, I like to “Keep it Real.”   Just another way of saying, there is practical advice and there is fantasy that people have previously sold you.   So, let’s get to your comment.

  Here is the essence of what’s going on: 

 Someone sold you a bill of goods as a scheme on how to get laid quickly.  Look, there are guys in the market looking to “score with chicks” and no one wants to be told that they have to be interesting, a little charming, and at least, attempt to radiate a fun vibe. 

 Fuck, who wants to do all of that??   So guys want a scheme that’s going to bypass having to be appealing, engaging, and somehow smooth-talking the girl.  Hence, we have “Get Laid Quick” schemes without the need for being interesting or attractive.   There are numerous “get laid quick” schemes sold out there and I can make a list of them just of f the top of my head, but that’s fodder for a different blog post.  You asked about Direct, so let’s stick with that for now.

 Direct can work great in starting an interaction, but man, you still have to be able to create some banter.  Guys want to have a method to approach which can bypass basic bantering skills as well as basic “Shooting the shit.”     There is no “Best Way.”  I’d like to sit here and tell you that there is an end-all, be-all solution. But really Charlie, you have to factor in your personality, and the types of environments you’re hanging in and frequenting.

 You mentioned having been a bartender at “Senior Frogs.”  I’ve never been to Puerto Rico, but I am guessing Senior Frog’s is a meat-market where drunks prey on each other. 

 In such an environment, you’re not doing “Sincere, I’d like to get to know you better and discuss early century Russian Literature” type of approaches.   You’re doing frat-boy game: Drunks imposing their will on other drunks.  This is a fire-at-will environment.    This is not a place where you do “Sets.”  Well, personally I never look it as a set.  (Also different subject for a different blog post.)   It’s just random people, nothing invested.

So what would “I” do personally in such an environment?  (Assuming this is a venue full of drunks having a good time sipping margaritas doing occasional sing-along songs).  I would walk around, have a lot of fun, and talk a lot of shit.  (In a fun way.)

 Have you ever seen Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack or Back to School?   When Rodney walks into a place and systematically just throws one-liners at everything within sight?  It’s a sight to see!  That’s what I enjoy doing, but in a fun way.  (Whereas Rodney’s characters enjoy insulting people.)  It’s a party, people are looking to have fun, and you go around having fun.  There isn’t anything vested.  In that specific environment, I like doing a lot of quick short bursts interactions.

 Does it mean it’s the right thing to do for everyone?  Not necessarily.  I enjoy joking around and entertaining (at the very least, myself).  And if you’ve heard me on the podcasts with Sinn, you’d probably get that vibe.  So it’s what works for me.  Remember that context changes too, however.  In that same exact scenario above, if I spotted a girl who seemed like she was out of a place and didn’t like that bar, I’d change my approach.  I actually might do a direct approach and joke about the crazyiness of the place with all of the drunks.

 Is this starting to make sense?

  I know what works for me in various contexts.   You have to figure out what’s the best vehicle for you to have fun, be a little charming, and create a vibe where some of the girls in that environment want to hang with you.  (They ALL will not want to hang with you, just as you will not want to hang with ALL of them.)

 That’s how it’s done in the real world.  Like you wrote, you can go and observe for yourself.  Get away from being dogmatic.  Dogma and Doctrine of strict methodologies arise out of ego and commercial interest.  There is no one-way that’s right for everyone.  If there is one constant, it’s that you have to become more attractive through building your attributes.  (Similar to a pro-athlete having to be in good cardiovascular shape.) 

   Do not limit yourself to one particular method.  Circumstance change as do people.   Explore various ways that work with your individual personality, and once you discover what works best for you, do you really care about other guys’ “System” or “Method?”  Do you really care about this mode or that mode?  Focus on what’s going to work for you, my man.

 Like Bruce Lee once wrote: It’s about Having No Limitation as Limitation.

 

 When we talk about direct, indirect, and such, we’re speaking in the context of a cold-approach.  If you’re talking to a co-worker, then you just focus on bantering and flirting.  The conversation has already begun, and in fact, it’s in process.   So in reality, during a cold-approach, you’re looking for a way to create some sort of banter, and perhaps some witty repartee to simulate a normal convesation.  HOW you go about doing is your prerogative.

If you want me to break it down, I’d say your style or approach depends on 3 things:

  1. Your Personality,
  2. Her Persona/vibe. (This is a matter of social intelligence, and calibration.)
  3. The Context & Circumstances.  (Meeting in a club, house party, the gym , Coffee shop, conference, or ski club. Your position & social value.)

 I could go into more detail, but then, it’d be a very lengthy post.  You know your own personality, so play with what works for your own person.  And anyone who is a beginner ought to understand that you’re going to have a few screw-ups here and there. 

You’re going to make some major mistakes along the way, and eventually, you’ll minimize those mistakes.

 You’ll discover quickly what best suits your personality.  So you’ll use what works for you and the Internet is going to be full of guys on forums and websites with slick marketing letters who will want to tell you what proper method to use. (and pray that you’ll never see how socially awkward some of these people are in real life.) 

 Any sort of flirtatious advance has a chance to flop.  If I am at a club and I see a girl walk by a couple of times, I might say something like, “Hey you!  Were you seriously gonna walk by a 3rd time and not even say hello? Seriously?” 

 It’s done in a fun way, (And I have said stuff like that enough times to know that it works for me)  but I understand that there is the chance it could completely flop.  I know that most often, she’ll probably smile, and say hi, and we’ll chat.  Every so often, she may roll her eyes and walk away less than impressed.  My reaction, “Guess she’s having a bad day….”    

 An important key I should probably mention: When I blurt stuff like this, I am factoring in that I am pretty socially savvy, well dressed, well groomed, decent looking, and rather fit.  I have a good grasp of what works for me, and I am realize that some girls won’t respond to it.   “Never be rejected again” are the words of liars.  Every single woman in the world will not want to date you even if you’re George Clooney or Matt Damon.

 That’s the nature of the beast, my friend.   Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

 Once you get comfortable in opening with your own unique way, then please realize: there is about a 3 to 5 minute window for you to really evaluate if it’s going anywhere.  Some people personalities just clash.  The same jokes/quirks that make some people laugh will have zero effect on others.  Some people will even look at you with that blank stare like “What do you mean?”

 And if you have to explain to them that it was a joke, and HOW it was a joke, it’s a lost cause….  It’s all over.  Some people, you just won’t click with.  It doesn’t mean much except that you have vastly different personalities.  Anyhow, I’m veering off topic a bit.

 To get back on course, let’s make it ultra simplistic:

  1. Play around with works for you as far as opening conversations with strangers,
  2. Go into a situation &  start a conversation. 
  3. You’ll know if you’ll get along or not, pretty quickly. 

 Man, that was a really verbose post to just explain the three simple outlines above…

 Lastly, [new stuff came to me, so I had to make an addition to the post], get to a point where you can represent the best version of you.  At that point, put your best foot forward, and it’s either a hit or a miss.  It’s a different way of looking at things.  When I started, I thought about how I could have done things differently everytime.  Now, it’s a matter, “Well, did I represent my true self?”  If I did, and she didn’t like it, well, that just means we were never going to probably get along.   (We’re talking more in terms of having conversations with women, etc.   Cold-approaches are not a good gauge for this as they distort the interaction.) So the way I see it, basically, you’re getting a full dose of me.  You get to see Cameron’s personality, and sense of humor.  We’ll either get along or we won’t.  I am not going to pretend to be a rockstar, or talk or pretend to be some super guru who knows all, (or whatever other schemes dating coaches pull.)  

 I go in with the notion that, “Let’s see if our personalities match.”  That’s it.   I suppose if there were an essence to being direct in dating, that’d be it: To be able to present yourself in the most honest way, and understand that some women may not like you.

Cameron

Building Attraction Ebook