3 Ways to create an Edge to attract girls!
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In the last Blog entry, I talked about how men who experience CONSISTENT results have an edge, so now let’s talk about you!
Before I answer that question, I have to yet again remind you that everything I am telling is based on me making 1 assumption: That assumption is that you’re cool guy who is able to socialize with people, and you have some social intelligence (calibration.) Remember, without being cool first, the edge is meaningless.
The first order of business is for you to do an honest self-assessment. What are you good at? What are your strong points? It could be something as simple as that you’re a physically handsome man or that you’ve always had a good sense of humor, and naturally made people around you laugh.
The key is to not go against the grain. Allow me to illustrate through real life examples from back when I was teaching a lot of weekend workshops.
I remember one workshop client who had a good sense of humor, but it was all dry humor. He was a funny guy, but when he approached women, he started spouting off routine stacks in a hyperactive manner with a gay/effeminate sounding voice. His clear edge was his quirky personality and his dry sense of wit, and yet he had abandoned that in the name of “Game.” He was actually working against himself.
Another workshop student of mine was a good-looking guy with a pleasant sounding Scottish accent (probably due to the fact the actually was from Scotland). He had interesting stories, and had lived in various places such as Japan. Clearly, he was a normal fun guy to talk to. Yet, I observed him approach girl with “Jealous Girlfriend” openers and dancing around. “Man, what the fuck are you doing?” I asked him. Good-looking guy with a Scottish accent who has interesting stories of traveling to various parts of the planet! That’s his edge. That’s what he needed to work on cultivating as his strong foot forward. Instead of conveying that, he is asking opinions about jealous girlfriends and telling dumb stories that don’t even match his personality..
Take sometime to think about what you can work on that’d provide you with an ability to distinguish yourself a little bit. Let’s be clear: When I say distinguish yourself, I don’t mean that you have to stand out like a sore thumb or dress in fuzzy hats and fishnet shirts.
Just being able to distinguish yourself a little bit from the rest of the crowd goes a long way. Yet more clarification: Distinguishing yourself is in no way implying that you ought to conduct a “DHV” or “VHS” by doing a “Best Friends Test.” It has to be something that is a part of you. Something you can develop even further. Embrace it. Much like the Scottish guy, don’t chuck it away in order to spit out “Game” you read by some dating guru. Hone your own abilities. Your edge should be built around your core persona.
One’s edge could come from a variety of sources. These generally fall into 3 broad categories
- Physically driven
- Personality Driven
- Lifestyle Driven
Let’s assess these one at a time.
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- Physically driven:
It could be naturally given to you. You were born good-looking, but you gained a bunch of weight at some point and you also dress like shit. Then again, you may not particularly have a good-looking face, but you’re 6’4″ tall and got a good physique. (Or you build a good physique.)
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- Personality Driven:
This will be different for everyone. It all depends on what you start out with. What do you bring to the table? Are you naturally funny/humorous? Great, then build on that. Are you passionate, artistic, very smart, charismatic or charming? If you have a little bit of ANY of those, then you could build on that as well.
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- Lifestyle Driven:
Lifestyle is rather expansive. Maybe you worked your ass off in college and beyond, and now you have a great job. Maybe you’ve traveled to various places in the world, or perhaps you believed in philanthropy and spent 3 years in the peace corpse in some 3rd world country. Or you could work in environments that are conducive to being around certain kind of women.
See, it’s not always about money either. Your lifestyle has to be conducive to the archetype you desire. Lifestyle really influences the TYPE of women you attract. The lifestyle category really begs for an elaborate explanation.
Do you want to bang nightclub chicks and you got time on your hands? Then get a part time job at those environments.
Now, if you’re the aforementioned philanthropist who spent years in the Peace Corpse you’re naturally going to attract a different kind of woman than the guy who works as a DJ or bouncer at a nightclub.
Let’s say you wanted to attract your typical run of the mill stripper. Telling her you spent 3 years doing Philanthropy work will not impress her. However, tell her you want to invite her to an awesome party, and that you got some cocaine for her, and you’re suddenly Mr. Charming.
People often identify “Lifestyle” with having lots of money. Yes, that’s one facet of it. There are guys who have cultivated lifestyles that are conducive to their exploits despite their lack of finances.
DJs, Club Promoters, doormen, strip-club employees, could all be making less than a middleclass salary but within that subsection of society, they have created a viable lifestyle and some sort of social proof.
The same applies to a Yoga teacher or a personal trainer at the gym. (And let’s be honest: 70% of personal trainers are clearly douche bags.) Yet, they are able to climb the totem pole because they have placed themselves in a position of authority, even if it’s for a very small subculture.
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As for personality, there is a huge factor in what you convey about yourself.
It amazes me when I see guys who have done interesting things in their lives and yet they have no idea how to convey those stories. Back when I was teaching bootcamps, I came across guys who had traveled all over Europe, to the far East, guys who had visited the Pyramids in Egypt and been on archeology trips in Israel.
Yet they were clueless in conveying the life they had lived. A frat boy who spent a weekend in Utah came across more interesting than these guys who’d lived through noteworthy experiences. So conveying your personality is also a skill that can be acquired.
Storytelling is a vehicle to conveying personality and by no means the only one. The gist of it is that if you have done “Cool things” in your life, then you ought to be able to convey that in a compelling manner.
Why is it that the Frat boy who has spent half his life in a drunken haze can come across as more engaging than the guy who has traveled to far ends of the world, been to the Far East, traveled to Egypt and seen the Pyramids? One guy has learned to convey some personality and the latter has not.
Storytelling crosses the line as it can also be considered a great attribute to possess. It’s an attribute that crosses over to the “Edge” category when it enables you to describe the life you’ve lead.
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How about improving physically?
There are basics that every man should adhere to. Your presentation speaks volumes about you. It’s shocking to see how many guys I’ve seen at seminars who wanted dating Advice from various “Gurus” and yet no one was bothering to tell them the obvious. That they looked like guys who didn’t know what they were doing.
So Start with:
*Hair: Get a haircut that looks good on you. If you’re mostly bald and have the horseshoe hair, shave it clean. Either way, it ought to look organized.
*Facial hair: Well managed, whether it’s a goatee, the wolverine Look, Miami Vice 5 O’clock shadow, or clean shaved. It ought to look managed.
*Dress: This area needs its own chapter. For beginners, start learning about dressing well. You don’t have to break the bank but learn to add pieces at a time. No Sweatshirts, sweatpants, loose clothing that looks like you walked off a set of a rap video.
*Shoes: yes, I created a whole separate category for shoes, because they’re that important.
*Regular exercise: Another must-do category. The benefits of exercise and why it’s important would need a Blog entry all themselves.
Should you attend a dating seminar at some point, take a look around at the guys seeking advice. The majority look disheveled and unkempt. No one bothers to tell them this. Their personal presentation makes it glaringly obvious that they don’t enjoy the company of women in their lives. I know it sounds harsh, but it needs to be said. Most importantly women can discern this. They can identify a guy who doesn’t get it.
This might be a good time for you to go through photographs of yourself taken in the last 6 months or a year. Look at your outfits in the various photos, your hair, and your physical demeanor. Is there a consistent pattern? Take steps to fix that.
And please question any “Dating Guru” who tells you these things don’t matter. Go with your instincts. If your gut tells you the guy is creepy and full of shit, it’s probably because he is.
What if you already have an edge? What if you’re one of the guys who sends me email who has career together? The successful professional who easily makes over a 100K per year but has dating/women issues? If you’re on that boat, you need to focus on the core attributes. Focus on increasing your personal social & flirtation skills as well as gaining social intelligence regarding women.
The combination of having the proper foundational skills as well as an “Edge” will create consistent, and more importantly, long-lasting results.
Cameron
PS. The articles on this blog will have a profound impact on your dating life. Please realize that they are supplementary/supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work. Get a copy of my 16 CD Audio course here: Building Attraction with Women
What if you feel your personal strong points aren’t generally very helpful in attracting women?
I’m very intelligent, in an intellectual, analytical way (I have a math degree from oxford). Most of my friends would say i’m the cleverest person they know. But I don’t think this is something that appeals to most women at all. I’ve had one girl I’ve since become good friends with tell me she was a bit intimidated when she first met me, and didn’t know what to say to me because she’d heard that I was a “genius”. So while this might help me with the most intelligent women, I feel as if it’s (if anything) a hindrance with most women I meet.
I’m also a pretty good listener. This has helped me form some strong friendships, and is something my close firends (both male and female) appreciate, but I feel as if, to attract women, I probably need to spend more time talking as opposed to listening.
So the things I feel are my personal strengths I also feel are holding me back more than they help me with women, and I’m not sure what (if anything) to do about it
Great article, I enjoyed reading it. I think I’m one of those guys that has alot of stuff together but just doesn’t know how to convey it. Would love your opinion on this.
I have a great job that I enjoy and pays well (but unfortunately doesn’t offer much of a social life during the week because of the travelling I need to do). I’ve been going to the gym 2-3 times a week for the last year and gotten stronger. My career’s together, I’m not in debt and am doing financially just fine. I have enough money to spend on the things I like without worrying too much.
I’ve got a really dry sense of humour and what some would say is a quirky personality. Thing is, if I had to say what my edge was, what I was really passionate about, it’s video games. Not playing them non-stop, but making them and knowing the history of them, how they work, how they influence our culture, what their own culture is like. I love video games in the same way that a film buff loves films, or an art buff loves paintings and given the chance I can talk about them in the same way :)
Yet I get told over and over again that this isn’t “cool enough”, that I need to develop other interests, that “women don’t like computer games” or “I stopped playing games xx nights and went to clubs and now I have girls” bla bla bla. Thing is, when I’m at a party getting into Guitar Hero (love wailing on those drums – I used to play for real), everyone is having fun and I usually find it way easier to talk to women that are there. Always fun discovering the few closet female gamers around :) I don’t really like nightclubs, being fairly night-blind doesn’t help so I tend to avoid them these days. I’d much rather a house party or a barbecue.
But yeah I guess what I’m asking, do you have any tips for how I could cultivate this edge?
Afte reading my own comment, I think I can answer it myself “don’t give a fuck if people think you’re cool or not”. But yeah interested to hear your thoughts.
Hey Chica,
I have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that it’d take me a loooong time to sit here and type out how you can remedy the situation. The good news is that you CAN improve the situation drastically.
In a nutshell:
You’re a very smart dude. That can be attractive in the long-term attraction, relationships, friendships and etc.
Because you’re very intelligent, you’ll be able to grasp social nuances rather quickly. One of the biggest hindrances in this area is lack of social intelligence. All your life, you have focused on the analytical mathematical skills. Now, with turn your focus to the social arena, and you’ll grasp things quickly.
The other skill you ought to work on is conversational skills of making dialogue with strangers, basically. I am sure you are able to do this
with long time friends. Now, the trick is to create the dynamic with a complete stranger inside a few minutes and be engaging in a way that they are enjoying the conversation.
In approaching a new person, you have to learn to flip the attraction switches EMOTIONALLY. I highly recommend you get a copy of my audio product ASAP. It’s over 10 hours of audio where I specifically explain this process in detail. After listening to it, I think you’ll have gained a whole new level of understanding. Making it a point to learn these skills somewhere.
Should you opt for the CD, listen to the whole thing, but especially focus on the following:
Chapter 4 (Abstract attributes, as well as physical ones,)
Chapter 6: Calibration (Social intelligence)
Chapter 7: Story Telling (listen to this a FEW times)
Chapter 9, Solid Game
Chapter 10, conversational skills,
The issue is that normally guys are strictly analytical don’t project a lot of emotion and that is one of the source of what stifles their success. It doesn’t mean you have to become an extraverted social butterfly, but a bit work on expressing yourself will make a world of difference.
Learn to turn being smart into an advantage. First, however, you have to learn when to tone down the analysis a bit. Your first instinct is to solve problems. People are not looking for solutions all the time when making conversation. Sometimes it’s just to share a certain sentiment or emotion, be it someone talking about their recent vacation or the upcoming Basketball Playoff game involving their favorite them.
Take care
Cameron
Good stuff!
Cameron,
I like a guy who is a really decent, down-to-earth person (the kind of guy who treats everyone well) and who also has — like you say — a bit of an edge.
I have seen this edge come in so many different packages. Some guys are sharp dressers, some are slobby dressers. Some have tattoos, some are clean cut. Some are wealthy, some are living out of a suitcase because they want to be unencumbered.
What separates the boring guys from the fun guys is the confidence to color outside the lines a little bit, to be playful, and to be in tune with what’s going on around them. Aliveness.
You’re right though that without an edge of some kind, a guy is not very interesting.
– Erika
hey frostze,
You ought to diversify. Listen, I know guys who are fanatics about Martial Arts . (To be honest, I love watching Mixed Martial Arts as well.) I know guys who are fanatics about football or even Pro-wrestling. Yes, we are talking about Professional wrestling, Hulk Hogan and co. (and whoever the new guys are these days.)
Many times, the girls they date longterm tend to start getting into the Football or MMA, and such. (Not always, but often times, it happens.) However, you ought to diversify your interests a little bit to start out with, to be able to talk about various things.
Bars and clubs are optional places to go, not a necessity. You can also enjoy playing Guitar Hero with a girl you’re spending time with, but Video Games are not an Edge.
The article describes 3 categories of edges:
*Physical,
*Personality Driven,
*Lifestyle driven
Having a hobby of video games is fun but it does NOT fall into any of those 3 categories.
You said you travel a lot for work. Surely, you have lots of experiences from traverling, everything from cultural differences of various cities, to fun things to do, to adventures and experiences of traveling. There is lots to talk about. You said you have a quirky personality with dry sense of humor. PERSONALITY can be an edge, and is, for a lot of people.
Videogames as an interest is fine, but if it’s the ONLY sources of interest, then it’s limiting oneself. Just as if a mountain climber’s only interest was mountain climbing, that’d be pretty limiting as well.
Erika,
The word edge can be misinterpreted as having different meanings. You can say that someone has an “Edgy” personality or “an Edge about him.”
To be clear, that’s not what the interpretation I am talking about. What I mean by an Edge, is an ADVANTAGE. For some guys, that is just the mere fact that they are blessed with physical good looks. They’re cool social people and their looks give them that extra advantage.
Having an extraordinary and engaging personality can serve as that advantage. Being a sharp or sloppy dresser is irrelevant to the advantage. For some guys, their edge is their social position or power position.
Heck, some guys run, (what are essentially,) scams. In LA, I’ve seen guys pretend to be fashion photographers and have seen it to the extent of they creating a phony photo studio to lure women in. It may not even be considered ethical but it’s an advantage they have created for themselves.
It’s important that guys reading the article realize that the edge is a distinct advantage that can give you a leg up on the competition. That advantage falls into the 3 categories mentioned in the post.
it’s “peace corps” – please fix that.
A corpse is a dead body, and what you have above is …
“or perhaps you believed in philanthropy and spent 3 years in the peace corpse ”
http://www.peacecorps.gov
convince yourself, one: “peace corps”
http://www.google.com/search?client=ubuntu&channel=fs&q=%22peace+corps%22&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
two: “peace corpse”
http://www.google.com/search?client=ubuntu&channel=fs&q=%22peace+corpse%22&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8
WOW! Congrats Sam! That last reply just may be the biggest douchebag-reply ever on this blog. I’d say in the top 3.
Let’s recap the events:
-You read what is one of the best (if not THE Best) blog of its kind, and benefit from the info. (with no gratitude on your part.)
-More specifically, you read an article regarding the 3 types of an “Edge” that garner success in dating, something I’m sure you won’t find anywhere else.
– And your only reply is to demand that I fix a typographical error.
-Even then, you don’t send an email about it. You type in the comment section.
– Next level: You don’t mention it in passing or casually. You demand it! Oh, shit, I better get to that immediately!
– Lastly, you provide google-search references as though this needs scientific proof.
This is incredible! Some people write an insulting comment and get on their way! But NOT YOU, Sam! Your douchbaggery is LAYERED!
Like an onion, it’s layered. We can peel off one layer, and there is more wholesome douchiness waiting underneath.
Thanks for the entertaining comment!