Emotions, logic, and why Women Flake

.

Do you understand women?  It seems that men always claim that they don’t understand women.  Some women claim they don’t get men.  I was no different.  I wouldn’t be so arrogant to say I “Understand” women, but I understand them much more now than when I first started all of this stuff.  (And still, it may not be all of that much.)

I decided to take a bit of time and focus on trying to understand them more.  Is it a good idea for most people to do this?  Probably not.  It wasn’t even for “Dating” purposes, per se.  I’ve always been fascinated with human behavior so it only made sense for me to try and grasp various patterns.

The old axiom is that men are logical and women are emotional.  While this has become cliché in our culture, it’s not entirely true. Obviously men can react emotionally and women can make logical decisions as well.  The differences are more profound in actions and results, I find.  I find that as guys, we want reasons.  We crave reasons.  Why, why, why?  We want to know.  It’s even further fueled by the fact that most of the men who seek dating advice on the Internet are intellectuals to begin with.  An intellectual has an even stronger need for reasons as to why things are.

Again, it’s not that women don’t question reasons.  It’s that on the everyday common stuff, they’re not as concerned.  To understand it, you have to shift your thinking a bit.  Actually, you have to eliminate over thinking and tap into emotions.

Let me illustrate through a real life example:

A few weeks ago, I met a girl at a local restaurant during her lunch break.  I started talking to her and we had a nice 5-minute conversation.  I could tell she was attracted to me, and I am pretty sure she could tell I was attracted to her.  I’ve interacted with enough girls to usually know pretty quickly when they’re into me, and when they’re not.

She [call her "Jen"] is new to LA (always preferred), moved here from the East coast and works around the corner from where live.  Had I been alone, I may have offered to have lunch together, but as it stood, she had to go back to work and I had to join my friend.

I got her number so that we could reconnect later.  I sent her a text about an hour later, something pertained to the place we were at, and we had a nice exchange.  Pleasantries and smiley faces were exchanged….   Then what happened?

I got busy with a bunch of stuff.  I had a seminar coming up, personal situations, and couldn’t really talk to her ‘til about at least a week later.  A week passed by and things settled down.  As you might imagine, it was then difficult to get a hold of her to get her out at that point.  We even had 1 phone conversation but the dynamics had changed far too much than when we had first met.  Back then, she was excited about getting together.  Now, she wasn’t so keen on the idea.

“Wait, why are you telling us about this?  It didn’t go anywhere.  Why even mention it?”

Why?  Because it’s important to note with which perspective do you look at it.

–Average Male Perspective:  WTF?  She was so into me!  The interaction was good, she was into me, and now I can’t get her to meet me.  Why is she flaking?  That pisses me off.

–Angry male perspective: Women are bitches, they lie. That’s just the way it is.

–The insecure male perspective:  Women are devious and manipulative.  She was just using me to get validation for herself.  (This could very well be a “Dating-guru” in the community)

–The Female perspective in this case (most likely):  Cool guy.  I liked him.  Don’t know him that well.  Seems like he’d be fun to hang out with.  I don’t really feel like meeting him.

NOTICE THE LAST SENTENCE:

“I Don’t really FEEL like meeting him.”

In most cases, women are not sitting there THINKING about the reasons why.  They are just going by their feelings.   Here is an analogy to help you understand: Let’s say you had a teacher in the 9th grade whom you thought very highly of.  Perhaps you even considered him/her a major influence in your life.

Years later, someone tells you he knows this teacher and can put you in touch with Mr/Mrs. Smith.  In fact, your buddy says he just spoke to that teacher and Mr. Smith remembers you.  He’d love to hear from you.

They hand you a phone and say, “Here, dial these numbers and you can chat with him/her.”

What’s your reaction?  (Assuming you didn’t have a close relationship.)

“Man, I don’t FEEL like talking to Mr. or Mrs. Smith.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t want to talk him/her.  I don’t feel comfortable.”

Are you starting to see the correlation?  You don’t analyze why don’t want to do it.  You just know that you don’t FEEL like doing it.  That’s all.  It’s like if you asked the average American to speak with a policeman outside.  ”There are no problems, everything is cool, but the Cop wants to chat with you.”  There it is again, “Man, I don’t feel like to talking to a cop.”   If you happen to be super analytical, let go of the analogy of the cop to yourself.  We are only interested in correlating feelings at this point.

Back to “Jen” and my 5-minute conversation with her.  What would have been my reaction 5 years ago?  “Hmmm, what happened?  Where did it go wrong?  I should have done this, I could have done that, or maybe I ought to have…….”

What’s my take on it NOW?

We both liked each other, but she probably also doesn’t feel COMFORTABLE meeting me after a 5 minute conversation.  It doesn’t make her bad, or evil.  It doesn’t make her a bitch or a flake.  It doesn’t make me any less, and it doesn’t mean that I need to “improve my game.”  I still think she is a cool person.  Just a random stranger, I had a 5-minute conversation with.  That’s all.   (Not to mention, there could be a variety of reasons of things that occurred during the time period, that are unbeknownst to me.)

Here is the funny thing, however:

I can almost guarantee you that if you ran this story by various seduction gurus, they’d all have tips for you on the mistakes that were made. Tell them you have a “Friend” that had this experience I just mentioned, relay the story, then sit back and see all the countless plethora of strategies they’ll throw at you.  I know this because I am all too well familiar with all of the various seduction styles and systems out there.  In fact, I CAN TELL you already what their responses would be:

  • Someone from a “Method” camp would advise: “The problem is very simple. You didn’t qualify her more. You showed interest, but didn’t qualify her at all. Wait, did you neg her? You didn’t qualify or neg her enough, also your DHVs may be weak.”
  • Someone from an NLP camp would advise: You failed to do a future-pacing scenario where you use time distortion. That way the minutes you spent with her could have seemed like hours in her mind.
  • Someone from another seduction camp would have said: You didn’t do enough compliance tests. You ought to have asked her to buy you your lunch and that way she is committed to seeing you again because she invested money in you.
  • Someone from yet another seduction camp would advise: She wasn’t that attracted to you. You need more attraction material man.
  • Someone from YET another camp would say: The problem is that you were not Alpha enough. You should have told her to come meet you and tell her your terms. Alpha men eat raw red meat and make demands!

Between you and me, a lot of these people could all go fuck themselves.  A good number of them are creepy weirdoes who can’t exist in everyday society without sticking out like outcasts in a horror movie.

When you cold-approach a random stranger during your day, sometimes the interaction will be great and sometimes it won’t.  You may even experience a good interaction, get a phone number, and then it doesn’t go any further than that.  Guess what:

  • Such is the nature of the beast that is cold-Approaching.
It’s the way it is.   It’d be a completely different story if you met someone through a mutual friend.  That changes the dynamics entirely.  Meeting someone through social circles when you’re somewhat vouched for by the person introducing you two together removes many barriers.  A cold-approach is always going to have its ups and downs.

The point is this:  Stop judging your interactions so much.  In the beginning, you want to focus on becoming better constantly, but once you’re comfortable with who you are and your social skills, leave the crap behind.  Not everything is a devious plan, and you don’t need to wrap tactics around everything.  Be more concerned with living you own life.

The problem is that most men of the guys in the seduction community spend too much time analyzing this stuff.  Look if all or most of your interactions are poor, then you need to learn to have better ones, and there are ways to do that.  At the same time, realize time not ALL Your interactions will be great, and not all girls will be into you.  And even if you’re a super suave, good looking & charming dude, there are still going to be some women who (for whatever reason) may not be into you.

That’s fine.

Some will even be into you in the moment, but after a 5 or 10 minutes conversation, there isn’t much of a connection. It’s cool.  Sometimes, it’s the guys who flake.  A girl gives her number to a dude, and he never calls.  She may like the guy and she’ll think, “That sucks. I can’t believe he programmed my number into his phone and never called.”

Then she’ll let it go.  There is that emotion of disappointment but she is not going to analyze the interaction, step by step, for hours.  That is the unfortunate disease of the “Pick Up Artist”.  Part of it is that women have more of an abundance mindset than men.  Another part is that they just go with the emotions of the moment more so as well.

“But Cameron, wait!  Hold on!  Don’t end the article!  There must be a solution! There must have been a way you could have done things differently to entice her to come see you. Give solutions.  We want answers!”

Is there a solution in the above Scenario with Jen?

Yes, there is.  The solution is to create an environment, which is more comfortable.  Remember the two keywords from this blog post:

FEEL & COMFORTABLE

So, what would have done this?  Well, there are lots of ideas.  For beginners, a house party could work.  There could have been a situation where my friend is having a party and I could have invited “Jen” and her friends.  Any sort of interesting event where she could attend, feel free to bring friends, and have a good time and have a chance to talk to you as well, would work.  I’ll leave it up to you to figure out what sort of events work best for you.

As it stood, I didn’t do that.  I merely invited her to go to a nearby place with me, and that was a good idea at the time. A week later, ahhhhh, not so comfy.

In fact, there have been times when I’ve met girls for a few minutes, and then had trouble in setting up a date.  Yet, that same exact girl when invited to a casual event was willing to show up and hang out with me.  Sometimes, it’s a matter of just being comfortable.

Is this the only reason women flake?  NO!  It depends on the Archetype.  That’s another Blog Post to come.

To bring this full circle: Sometimes, your solutions are not really solutions in the traditional sense. They don’t come from analyzing the situation.   Sometimes, you figure out your steps intuitively by tapping into the emotions of the circumstances.  Too much analysis of it makes a person miserable.

There is an old Zen saying which applies nicely here, (and I am really pushing the envelope personally by quoting Zen.  Often times, people who preach “Zen” constantly are the most pretentious of all in my experience here in Los Angeles”

-Before you study Zen, A bowl is a bowl, and tea is tea. While you’re studying Zen, a bowl is no longer a bowl, and tea is no longer tea.  After you’ve studied Zen, a bowl is once again a bowl, and tea is tea.

Hence,

When you study dating material from various people, an interaction is no longer a matter of two people just having fun and enjoying each other’s vibe.  It’ broken into microanalysis, openers, looking for Indicators of interest, cocky/funny jokes and various individual components. Then after you’ve studied it all of that, you throw it away, and interaction is once again, just two people chatting, having fun.

So, my perspective on situation with Jen: Nice girl.  Friendly, great smile, and seemed like someone I’d have fun with.  (Nice butt too!) I am sure we’d have a great conversation IF we ever met again.  That’s it.  I don’t care about it all that much, except that it makes for a good Blog example. Other than that, “Foh git aboooout it.”

————————-

A quick recap of points to take away for the analytical guys who need concrete points. I had a few points in mind and they all became intertwined throughout stories of the post.

–Don’t be so hard on yourself when it comes to cold-approaching.  Some will go well, some won’t.

–In the beginning, focus on learning and improving yourself, and certain skills.  Then stop judging the interactions and let them go.  There comes a point where looking back to analyze every interaction is not productive, but rather just a tool to make you miserable.

–Focus on grasping the emotions of the situations instead of trying to logically counteract and converse with people.  Trying to strategize your conversations will creep people out in the long run.

–Some women will flake on you because they barely know you.  It does not indicate that your skills are poor, nor does that mean that they are bitches.  They’re just not comfortable enough.  There is no supreme tactic with a 3 letter acronym to fix this.  Best idea in this case is extend an invitation to an event that feels comfortable.  Then go from there.

–Also note that situations and dynamics change.  Don’t take things personally.  Unfortunately, the way dating is taught, it forces you to look at everything as a personal failure that your game was not good enough.  A girl you met last week may have patched things & gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend and now she is not answering phone calls, from you, or the 3 other guys who are also calling her incessantly.  You wouldn’t know that, and often times, she is not going to call you and tell you what “The Reason” is.  It’s not a failure on your part.  The only failure is to dwell on it, trying to figure out how you should have used a better “DHV” or “LCD”.

–Understanding what I have said above on an intuitive/subconscious level will allow you to enjoy interactions with women as people instead of taking the road of misogyny often perpetrated by many seduction community gurus.

Cameron

(PS.  The articles on this blog will have a profound impact on your dating life.  Please realize that they are supplementary and supporting material to what I discuss in my expanded work.  Get a copy of my Ebook here: Building Attraction with Women)