Setting Standards In Dating

Balancing indifference vs. accountability

This is one of those articles that you’re going to want to mark as a favorite on your web browser, because it’s going to clear up much of that perplexity regarding dating.

Well, let’s face it: Advice on dating and attraction can confuse the f*ck out of ya.

The following scenario may resonate with you, as it might be all too familiar in your life experience.

  • Typical scenario:

Guy searches the Internet for advice to improve his dating life.  He sees various conflicting advice that are often diametrically entirely opposed.  Dating gurus, who all claim to be decedents of Casanova preach entirely …

One coach or self-proclaimed pick up artist advises you to not ever show your intention.  Be “indirect”, he tells you.   He instructs you to ask for an opinion and pretend to be gay if you have to, whatever it takes to not let her know you actually like her.

Another “coach” tells you to be direct, just state your intentions.  Tell her, “I like you, I want you, I find you breathtaking.”  Be bold, poetic, and romance-novel hero profession his fondness for that special woman.

Just when that sounded interesting, another dating-coach type raves about “Indifference.”  He is not so much indirect or direct, but rather he is just indifferent.  He just doesn’t care.  He wants you to react as though someone told you the score of a cricket game between rival’s teams in Timbuktu.  (Not even sure if they play cricket there..)

Having been exposed to such opposing perspectives, the dating-advice student concludes that “These guys are all full of shit” and that probably nobody knows anything.   It’s all a confusing mess, and you still can’t get too many dates.

When you understand CONTEXT of what is going on, you’ll begin to see the overall picture with more clarity. You’ll recognize the nuances of what is happening and you’ll be able to decipher how to apply these nuances to your personal social interactions.

  • Let’s take “Indifference” as an example.

Some dating-advice wisdom leans towards indifference.  Let’s define indifference as such advisors teach it.  The overall ideology is something along the lines of the following:

-Don’t ever show that you care about her.  Don’t show you like her.  Don’t even act like a give damn if you ever went out with her.  All of your actions should convey that you couldn’t possibly care less about her.

A common phrase that you’ll hear from people who apply to the indifference school of thought is:  “Don’t give your power Away!  Keep your power.  Don’t give it away!”

To show that you care would be giving your power away.  Why?  Because now she can manipulate you.  Now, she knows you like her and can hold that against you.

Imagine living your life with the fear that you just might give your power away.(By the way, in the next article, I am going to cover Indifference in detail.)

Like everyone else, I do run into girls who start to play these cute little games.  Actually, I live in LA, so I get the entire spectrum of such women.

You call a girl on Tue, and invite her to some event on Sat.  She tells you, “Not sure.  Let’s talk on Friday.”  Now, if you have gotten this reply, (and if you interact with a lot of girls, chances are you’re cringing right now) because you know that the odds of this whole thing coming together just plummeted faster than Enron Stock.

So what would Mr. Indifference advise you?  The indifference advice is to not care.  And just forget about it, and invite them to something else the following week nonchalantly. Or rather next time:  Mr. Indifference would say that you shouldn’t even ask them out.  However, that’s counterproductive too as you’ll see in my next article.

So what do you do?

- Introduce a bit of Accountability & Personal Standards -

In the last article, “The Preferred Response” line you read some examples of holding people accountable.  But wait, if you did that, you’d no longer be indifferent.

If you said, “Hey, I’m looking forward to seeing you next Saturday.  Let’s meet at 7:00 PM.”  Then you just gave your power away.  What a cardinal sin to Mr. Indifference. Can the cosmos handle such diverse patterns of behavior within the same time space continuum?

{Side note:  This is written with the assumption that the girl is also interested in you on some level.  Please do not write me emails asking about some girl who is barely aware of your existence on this planet not reciprocating your actions.}

But then, if you care too much about seeing her, you may appear to be desperate.  What do you do?


  • Real Life Example

So let’s revisit a likely scenario:

It’s Sunday afternoon.  You call a girl and invite her to spent time on Thursday evening. Simple enough, correct?

She gives you wishy-washy answers.  (If she has other legit previous engagements, then that’s fair.)  If she said, I’m having dinner with President Obama and the other heads of State on that night, that is a fair as well as firm response.  We’re not talking about that.

We’re talking wishy-washy answers such as, “I think that might work.  Let’s talk again on Wednesday night.

Do you know what that really means?

If nothing better comes up, then I’ll hang with you.”

That’s what a wishy-washy answer is.  You’re a back up plan if nothing else better comes up.  (I hate to say it but even I have done it to girls I didn’t care to see that much.)   Here is where you hold her accountable.  Yes or no.  None of this, “Let’s talk again.  If she can’t live her life with some sort of a discipline, then fine.  You can’t change how other persons choose to live their lives.  However, you do have the ability to cut them out of your life.

Sounds simple. Sounds sweet. Tougher to do to than it appears.   Because you friends will ask, “Hey, what happened with that girl you met. Man, she is really cute.”  Then you’ll be tempted to compromise.   It may be worse.  Your pals may be “Seduction community” conditioned people trying to coach you how to get her by having super-game.   Can’t worry about that.

You must be willing to walk away if the situation is counter-balanced to your values.

Trying to hold people accountable to every single thing will present you as someone desperate or very anal.  However, on issues like making plans, following through, it’s fair to be expecting common courtesy. If that common courtesy is not met, then you’ll walk away.

  • So how do you balance indifference and accountability???
  1. You show that you’d like to see them.  You show that you’re interested and that you’d love to hang out and HAVE FUN!
  2. On the same token, you know what you like, and you live your life upholding certain standards.  It’s also about being able to be decisive and make decisions.   AND if people are not able to live life on that plain with you, then you ARE willing to walk away.

Because remember, you HAVE choices too!  If she is not willing to meet you on an even plane, there are plenty of others who will.

The Walk-away is key.  Accountability hangs on a scale that must be equalized by the willingness to walk away. If you’re just indifferent, you’re aiming for the low-hanging fruit.  If you’re too obsessed with the accountability, you care too much about the interactions and are behaving as though you’re desperate.  The balance is knowing when to go forward, and when to walk away.


Ps.  And seriously, all of this is predicated on the fact you’re somewhat of a cool guy to begin with.  If you’re missing that first step, you’ve completely derailed the locomotive off the tracks and the rest of it is a gigantic train wreck.

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