Toxic Personality Traits in Dating (With Facebook bonus)

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Continuing with the series on Toxic personality traits, I am going to reveal one of the most toxic traits you could ever run into out in the world: The solely externally validated stimulus junkie. This particular personality trait is one of the most toxic of all.  The complainer may annoy the hell out of you with his bullshit complaints, but at least he may mean well.

As usual, I’ll provide the reasoning and the backround and then provide concrete real life examples of how these individuals operate.  Once you understand the modus operandi of such people, you shall easily recognize their behavioral patterns.

How you choose to deal with such persons then, obviously, is entirely up to you.

What exactly do I mean by a solely externally validated individual? Externally-validated stimulus junkies suffer from a need for constantly searching for some sort of validation and stimulus from the outside world.  Now, it’s  not uncommon for human beings to seek approval of a person or persons.  It may be the approval of a parent, friend, mentor, or sports coach, most of us have all tried to impress someone.  That’s just part of growing up, I believe.

The externally-validated stimulus junkie takes it to unprecedented levels.  Their need to receive constant approval as well as stimulus will destroy your relationship and drive you insane.

But then, doesn’t everyone to some extent want to be liked?

Yes, of course.  It’s a natural tendency for human beings to want to be liked.  Sometimes, upon receiving the impression no one will like him/her, a person will turn to a polar opposite direction and become mean spirited to everyone.   It’s somewhat reminiscent of the George Foreman story.  One of the greatest boxers of all time, he became a super nice guy later on in life, and even put his name on a grill that’s made him close to a 100 Million Dollars.  (Yes, that grill has been that profitable for him!)

By his own admission, he was a mean-spirited thug who was abusive in his youth.  In short, he was an a**hole.  He figured no one liked him, and he wasn’t going to like anyone either. He was going to be a mean spirited rude bastard and who was going to challenge him?  He was after all George Foreman, one of the greatest heavy weight boxers of all time.

It’s not all that different of a story with various factions of people such as goths, punks and the like.

Their external appearance is designed to somewhat garner attention from the rest of the world, but before they ever put that hideous outfit on, they decided the world didn’t like them either.  While this dynamic could warrant its own article, today’s article isn’t about that.  (But that’s another toxic personality trait for another day: “I hate the world” type of individual.)

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  • Let’s get back to the topic at hand: Sole External validation and stimulus junkies.

Ok, we figured out most of us want to be liked, or at least respected, by some people. Whether it’s our friends, peers,  bosses, or subordinates, we do desire a level of mutual respect.  Even a rogue and generally disliked individual like basketball player Kobe Bryant still desires the respect of his peers in the field.

Here is the key point:  That desire must be counter-balanced with an internal source of validation and comfort. The external must be balanced with the internal strength.  It’s through this balance that a level playing field can be established.

Henceforth, the type of individuals I am discussing in this article are almost completely driven by outside stimulation.  They have a constant need  for approval or attention of others.  This never stops. There is a constant search as to from where that new external validation will come.  An insatiable appetite for external attention from others consumes them, and they’re on a quest for that stimulus.

These are the type of people who will flake on you in a heartbeat regardless of the situation.

In the night scene, that outside stimulus could include  parties, loud music, various concoctions of drugs and alcohol, the “seen and be seen” type of spots, and  various forms of lewd behavior designed to just garner attention to fill an abyss that cannot be filled.

If you care to read about this particular scene, I wrote an article on “Party chicks” which you can find here for reference.   Definitive Post on Party Chicks part 2

In this article, I am going to take it way beyond that.  This is not a “How to get laid” article as you probably have figured out by now. There are other blogs for that.   It’s geared towards avoiding negative relationships, and fostering positive ones with quality individuals.

Negative relationships, be it in friendships, romance, or business will suck your emotional and mental energy (and sometimes financial too), and detract from your quality of life.  This type of trait is not, however, limited to clubs and bars and other such environments.   You don’t have to a drunken lush flashing her tits while dancing on table tops to put two and two together. There are clues everywhere around you.

People’s behaviors reveal their inner beliefs and their core values.

Take Facebook as an example.   It’s the most popular social networking site at the moment so for 2010, it’ll serve as a good example.  The social networking sites and trends may change through out the years and decades, but human behavior will remain consistent throughout centuries.

Leaf through someone’s facebook account and it’ll tell you so much about their persona.  OK, so you met a girl at a party and you only chatted for a short bit.    You become facebook friends and you check out their profile.  You may even be excited about this new person you just met, but a ten minute chat hasn’t given you enough insight into their personality.  . (If you’re a girl, you can apply some of these to a dude’s facebook as well.)

You met that person on his/her best behavior when you first met.

So here is a simple guideline of observations regarding someone’s persona that just jumps out at you with very little effort:

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Facebook Status Updates:

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You see someone inundate their facebook account with random weird updates, and that already tells you everything you need to know.  We’ve all seen these in some form.   I’ll translate the actual real social meaning in parenthesis below.

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Just had lunch with xyz. so fabulous…”

(Ahh, it was an OK lunch, but trying to sound ridiculously positive is the in-trend, plus I can maintain my usual levels of pretentiousness.)

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Love you girlie. you guys are so awesome.”

(Pay attention to me BITCH!!)

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“I have the greatest friends.  You guys are so great

(I wish I had friends instead of the fellow self-absorbed douchebags I hang out with)

(PS. When the above is posted repeatedly while you have 500 friends on facebook, this just makes you a bit of attention seeking loser who really doesn’t have a single solid friend.)

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Hey, girlie, we have to get out soon!  I miss you guys so much!”

(Pay attention to me BITCH!!)

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“Going to club xyz to see DJ funkyzeit spin.”

(I’m a moron.)

{free tip to all: Anyone who ever discusses going to a nightclub with the motivation to see a particular DJ spin suffers from low IQ.  Seriously, I’ve never ever met a girl who was respectably intelligent utter or write those words in the above quote.  Nope, not even once!}

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“Oh, a *Delic* lunch with …..”

(Yes, I am that pretentions. I say delic, not delicious)

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“You bitches looook so fine in that photo!”

(Pay attention to ME now Bitches!!!)

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Oh, this Diva doesn’t do that.”

(I’m a C*nt. any questions?)

Yes, I resorted to the dreaded “C” Word.  But it’s only because I once read in a scientific journal (JAMA?)   that diva is a synonym for c*nt!  And hey,  that was good enough for me.   Plus the person actually referring to herself as “This Diva” has certainly solidified c*nt-status beyond reasonable doubt.

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Here is the key:

The above “Status Updates”  are not mentioned in the spirit of sharing info with friends. They’re done so just to garner attention until their next update or tweet 30 minutes later.

  1. That’s different than posts that are in the spirit of sharing or venting for that matter (stuck in traffic, etc).
  2. They’re also different than posts meant to entertain or inform.

I have acquaintances that post often about particular topics they’re passionate about.  One such guy who is a proud atheist will often post updates on religious matters and another pal of mine will post links or comments to articles regarding political/economical matters. He posts links to articles regarding the war in Afghanistan or the economic crisis or faulty politicians.

These latter people are crusaders of sort, a completely different breed of person.  The crusader has a cause he deeply believes, just as he believes he is making a positive difference in the world with his updates.

I can respect a crusader.  Personally speaking, most of the time, I get along rather well with this type.  (Heck, you could make a case that I sort of am one.)

Setting my personal preferences aside, I’d bring attention the to majority of the updates, and the intention behind them.

What’s the intention behind these updates?

-Are they in the spirit of sharing, caring, entertaining, or perhaps even venting?

-Or is it , “hey, look at me, hey look at me.”

If it’s the latter, the person is not worth dating.  If you were looking to seriously get involved with someone

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  • What about Photos?

The biggest giveaway is a collection of photos.  Photos do speak a 1000 words if I may resort to the cliché.

Incessant photos that are self-shots, or group shots where one person is completely trying to do outdo his/her friends for attention tell you a lot about the individual as well.

Once you are aware of these dynamics, you’ll come to notice them quickly.  You’ll see a photo and think, “Cool!  Just a bunch of friends goofing around, having fun, genuinely seem to like each others’ company.”  Then, you’ll see another photo and you’ll note each individual trying to subtly  (or blatantly sometimes) outdo each other.

So you spent 15 minutes of your time on Facebook and noticed a combination of the above self-absorbed status updates along with the [attention garnering] photos I described.  You already know you’re most likely dealing with someone who has toxic personality traits.

You’re swimming in shark infested waters.  Proceed accordingly, or maybe even find a different swimming spot.  Maybe one alongside dolphins who want to jump around you to entertain and play.  (OK, the dolphin thing was really cheesy, I’ll readily admit.  It gives it that feel-good Disney channel touch.)

The exclusively-externally validated stimulus junkies are the ones who will constantly flake on you, and they’re the type who will try to upgrade on you.

If you ever get the feeling in your gut that someone is constantly hesitant to make commitments or plans because he/she is just waiting to see if something better may come along, you’re dating the type of person I’ve just described here.

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In essence, the exclusively-externally validated individuals are like giant eggs.  They have a seemingly hard surface, but underneath it, they’re composed of mush and puss.

This is the polar opposite of a rock.  You could take a hammer and chisel away a piece from a giant rock and what do you find?  Just more solid rock underneath.  I suppose that’s why the expression is there: “Man, That guy is like a rock!”

Our relationships in life often directly affect the quality of our everyday life.   Being able to lean against a rock provides a more solid foundation than leaning over a giant hollow egg comprised of mushy goo.  If you want to attract Rock-Solid individuals, you should also take steps to become such a person yourself!  (Unfortunately, improving your own self-esteem is often overlooked in advice dating gurus give you!)

As always, to give it fair balance, remember that these toxic traits are HUMAN traits.  They apply equally to men as well as women.  Sometimes, I receive emails where an avid reader of my blog points out how some “Dating Guru” discussed the contents of one of my articles.  I then discover that they bastardized the article to make it seem like it’s something devious only women do.

Men and women both share personality traits, positive and negative.  In the next article, I’ll provide some examples of this, and environments where such individuals gather, and sometimes by people who are actually my acquaintances!!

Stay tuned…….

Cameron

PS. As always, the articles are meant to expand your knowledge provided you have the basic foundations in place.  To build that rock-solid foundation, you owe it to yourself to read my Ebook: Building Attraction Secrets