I am excited to unleash a new feature on the Blog! Recently, I realized that since I started the blog, I’ve written over a 100 articles on dating and social interactions (and some purely for entertainment) . And If I may be modest, most of it these articles are far superior advice and more informative than most of the Ebooks and various products you’ll find out there from the socially creepy dating wannabe gurus.
So with that in mind, I created a compilation archive of various articles which I categorized under varies topics. On the top right of the blog page, you’ll see a “Starter Guide” tab which will take you to this archive page.
Any feedback appreciated. It still needs more work, and for some reason, Wordpress does not seem to like headers very much. It distorts headline sentences so I gotta figure how to fix that.
Anyhow, enjoy the new archive. Whether you’re new to the blog, or a veteran reader, you’ll get a lot of this free resource. (Which for some reason I haven’t seen on any other dating Blog.)
Take a look, Enjoy, Bookmark, and come back again:
A blog reader, Charlie V, wrote a comment to the last post that deserves a well thought out reply in order to explain the dynamics involved. Here are some of the excerpts:
The irony in meeting women especially in clubs is that us guys think we have to do so much work. But the reality is that they will have us pegged the minute we open our mouths. What you say, in conjunction with your attitude, will let them know if you’re a “Player”, “Regular Guy” or a “Dumbass.” And thus, this is where the problem arises.
I’ve used Mode One, Pickup101, BadBoy, and Shark opening tactics before (i’ve tried them all) and I can tell you, consistently opening with direct or so-called “sincere” openings and getting laid is just a fantasy. I’ve never done it and I’ve never met anyone who can do it on a consistent basis also.
And believe me, I tried it for awhile and gave it a chance. But, all it gets you is getting pegged as the player wolf who hangs out late at night every weekend.
I also worked as a bartender at Señor Frog’s here in Puerto Rico and in many other bars and have also hung out with the best players of San Juan, so I can attest to you, that I have observed them and my customers with a keen objective eye as possible and I have never met or seen any of them consistently open with “direct” openers and get laid at a night club. It is a high numbers game.
And that’s why I call bullshit on all of those guys who preach Direct as the best way. In some cases, it may work. But in most cases it will just leave you with a fantasy.
Cameron, I enjoy reading all your posts. I’ve used them to reaffirm what I have experienced and seen and not just to regurgitate what I have read in an e-book. Great shit, man!!
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Thanks for the good words, my man. As they say in the hood, I like to “Keep it Real.” Just another way of saying, there is practical advice and there is fantasy that people have previously sold you. So, let’s get to your comment.
Here is the essence of what’s going on:
Someone sold you a bill of goods as a scheme on how to get laid quickly. Look, there are guys in the market looking to “score with chicks” and no one wants to be told that they have to be interesting, a little charming, and at least, attempt to radiate a fun vibe.
Fuck, who wants to do all of that?? So guys want a scheme that’s going to bypass having to be appealing, engaging, and somehow smooth-talking the girl. Hence, we have “Get Laid Quick” schemes without the need for being interesting or attractive. There are numerous “get laid quick” schemes sold out there and I can make a list of them just of f the top of my head, but that’s fodder for a different blog post. You asked about Direct, so let’s stick with that for now.
Direct can work great in starting an interaction, but man, you still have to be able to create some banter. Guys want to have a method to approach which can bypass basic bantering skills as well as basic “Shooting the shit.” There is no “Best Way.” I’d like to sit here and tell you that there is an end-all, be-all solution. But really Charlie, you have to factor in your personality, and the types of environments you’re hanging in and frequenting.
You mentioned having been a bartender at “Senior Frogs.” I’ve never been to Puerto Rico, but I am guessing Senior Frog’s is a meat-market where drunks prey on each other.
In such an environment, you’re not doing “Sincere, I’d like to get to know you better and discuss early century Russian Literature” type of approaches. You’re doing frat-boy game: Drunks imposing their will on other drunks. This is a fire-at-will environment. This is not a place where you do “Sets.” Well, personally I never look it as a set. (Also different subject for a different blog post.) It’s just random people, nothing invested.
So what would “I” do personally in such an environment? (Assuming this is a venue full of drunks having a good time sipping margaritas doing occasional sing-along songs). I would walk around, have a lot of fun, and talk a lot of shit. (In a fun way.)
Have you ever seen Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack or Back to School? When Rodney walks into a place and systematically just throws one-liners at everything within sight? It’s a sight to see! That’s what I enjoy doing, but in a fun way. (Whereas Rodney’s characters enjoy insulting people.) It’s a party, people are looking to have fun, and you go around having fun. There isn’t anything vested. In that specific environment, I like doing a lot of quick short bursts interactions.
Does it mean it’s the right thing to do for everyone? Not necessarily. I enjoy joking around and entertaining (at the very least, myself). And if you’ve heard me on the podcasts with Sinn, you’d probably get that vibe. So it’s what works for me. Remember that context changes too, however. In that same exact scenario above, if I spotted a girl who seemed like she was out of a place and didn’t like that bar, I’d change my approach. I actually might do a direct approach and joke about the crazyiness of the place with all of the drunks.
Is this starting to make sense?
I know what works for me in various contexts. You have to figure out what’s the best vehicle for you to have fun, be a little charming, and create a vibe where some of the girls in that environment want to hang with you. (They ALL will not want to hang with you, just as you will not want to hang with ALL of them.)
That’s how it’s done in the real world. Like you wrote, you can go and observe for yourself. Get away from being dogmatic. Dogma and Doctrine of strict methodologies arise out of ego and commercial interest. There is no one-way that’s right for everyone. If there is one constant, it’s that you have to become more attractive through building your attributes. (Similar to a pro-athlete having to be in good cardiovascular shape.)
Do not limit yourself to one particular method. Circumstance change as do people. Explore various ways that work with your individual personality, and once you discover what works best for you, do you really care about other guys’ “System” or “Method?” Do you really care about this mode or that mode? Focus on what’s going to work for you, my man.
Like Bruce Lee once wrote: It’s about Having No Limitation as Limitation.
When we talk about direct, indirect, and such, we’re speaking in the context of a cold-approach. If you’re talking to a co-worker, then you just focus on bantering and flirting. The conversation has already begun, and in fact, it’s in process. So in reality, during a cold-approach, you’re looking for a way to create some sort of banter, and perhaps some witty repartee to simulate a normal convesation. HOW you go about doing is your prerogative.
If you want me to break it down, I’d say your style or approach depends on 3 things:
Your Personality,
Her Persona/vibe. (This is a matter of social intelligence, and calibration.)
The Context & Circumstances. (Meeting in a club, house party, the gym , Coffee shop, conference, or ski club. Your position & social value.)
I could go into more detail, but then, it’d be a very lengthy post. You know your own personality, so play with what works for your own person. And anyone who is a beginner ought to understand that you’re going to have a few screw-ups here and there.
You’re going to make some major mistakes along the way, and eventually, you’ll minimize those mistakes.
You’ll discover quickly what best suits your personality. So you’ll use what works for you and the Internet is going to be full of guys on forums and websites with slick marketing letters who will want to tell you what proper method to use. (and pray that you’ll never see how socially awkward some of these people are in real life.)
Any sort of flirtatious advance has a chance to flop. If I am at a club and I see a girl walk by a couple of times, I might say something like, “Hey you! Were you seriously gonna walk by a 3rd time and not even say hello? Seriously?”
It’s done in a fun way, (And I have said stuff like that enough times to know that it works for me) but I understand that there is the chance it could completely flop. I know that most often, she’ll probably smile, and say hi, and we’ll chat. Every so often, she may roll her eyes and walk away less than impressed. My reaction, “Guess she’s having a bad day….”
An important key I should probably mention: When I blurt stuff like this, I am factoring in that I am pretty socially savvy, well dressed, well groomed, decent looking, and rather fit. I have a good grasp of what works for me, and I am realize that some girls won’t respond to it. “Never be rejected again” are the words of liars. Every single woman in the world will not want to date you even if you’re George Clooney or Matt Damon.
That’s the nature of the beast, my friend. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Once you get comfortable in opening with your own unique way, then please realize: there is about a 3 to 5 minute window for you to really evaluate if it’s going anywhere. Some people personalities just clash. The same jokes/quirks that make some people laugh will have zero effect on others. Some people will even look at you with that blank stare like “What do you mean?”
And if you have to explain to them that it was a joke, and HOW it was a joke, it’s a lost cause…. It’s all over. Some people, you just won’t click with. It doesn’t mean much except that you have vastly different personalities. Anyhow, I’m veering off topic a bit.
To get back on course, let’s make it ultra simplistic:
Play around with works for you as far as opening conversations with strangers,
Go into a situation & start a conversation.
You’ll know if you’ll get along or not, pretty quickly.
Man, that was a really verbose post to just explain the three simple outlines above…
Lastly, [new stuff came to me, so I had to make an addition to the post], get to a point where you can represent the best version of you. At that point, put your best foot forward, and it’s either a hit or a miss. It’s a different way of looking at things. When I started, I thought about how I could have done things differently everytime. Now, it’s a matter, “Well, did I represent my true self?” If I did, and she didn’t like it, well, that just means we were never going to probably get along. (We’re talking more in terms of having conversations with women, etc. Cold-approaches are not a good gauge for this as they distort the interaction.) So the way I see it, basically, you’re getting a full dose of me. You get to see Cameron’s personality, and sense of humor. We’ll either get along or we won’t. I am not going to pretend to be a rockstar, or talk or pretend to be some super guru who knows all, (or whatever other schemes dating coaches pull.)
I go in with the notion that, “Let’s see if our personalities match.” That’s it. I suppose if there were an essence to being direct in dating, that’d be it: To be able to present yourself in the most honest way, and understand that some women may not like you.
I received a question about a guy wanting to know how he can be a “challenge” while he is being direct with women. Fred wrote:
literally all girls say they like a Challenge. now if a guy uses direct day game like “you looked adorable,” how Can a guy demonstrate that he is a ” Challenge”? i mean showing interest and demonstratig oneself as a “prize” in the first meeting? literally all girls say “I am looking for a man who is a Challenge.” In my opinion guy is a “Challenge” only when the girl already knows him through her friends and the guy behaves disinterested.
What you’re asking about depends on a multitude of factors that affect the dynamics of the interaction. In a simple format, here are those factors:
Context of Interaction: How are you meeting? Cold Approach or through social circles. (there is a huge difference between the two.)
Personality of a girl. What type of girl is she? What archetype? You talking to a ambitious educated woman or a club chick who is out drinking 4 nights a week?
What she is looking for as well.
All of those factors influence an initial approach. That’s why cold-approaching is a low percentage game. She may be looking for a boyfriend and you come in way too “playerish” and the interaction goes sour. You may present yourself as guy who has his shit together, good career, great friends, and she can’t handle it, because she is a loser really only comfortable being with another drunk loser who sells crystal meth on the side.
There are a lot of variables that come into play. I just provided a few examples. There is no holy grail of cold approaching. Understand that. It’s a percentage game, by nature. You just try to create better odds by knowing what you’re doing and a bit of social intelligence.
Now, with all of the above in mind, let’s talk about you wanting to be a challenge:
A. A matter of Context and Interpretation.
You have to also understand that the same sentneces has two different meanings to you and the girl. You are looking to get laid! You’re looking to stick your penis in her vagina. Let’s be honest here. So a challenge to you is getting her pants off. When she means a challenge, typically it’s not about sex. If she is attractive, she knows that if she takes her pants off, 90% of men would jump at the opportunity. Even if she weren’t attractive, that’d still hold true.
So you have to redefine challenge from her perspective. What she means is a guy who isn’t easy to get, swooning all over her, and trying to kiss her ass. Basically, a guy who has options of different women, so she feels like she got the prize by getting such a man who has so many options.
B. Being a Challenge is Not Something You Fake, It’s Something You Are.
This analogy will make it crystal clear for ya: In the world of NBA Basketball, Lebron James is going to be a free agent this coming summer. [In case you have no idea about sports, a “Free Agent” indicates that a player can sign a contract with any team he wishes.] Considering his talent and age, he is the hottest commodity in all of basketball. Every basketball team will want him to play for them. He can only play for 1 team! Which team will land him?
Therefore getting Lebron James to play for your team is a challenge. Why? Because he has lots of options. He is not desperate or needy.
And by the way, “Awww, you look so adorable” is not really direct game. It’s more like someone trying to come across as slick and smooth after reading (crappy) advice on the Internet. Direct game has to be sincere and unless you’re saying that line from a place of some sincerity, it’s more “Gamey” and she’ll know it.
Lastly, here is what it comes down to pay very careful attention to what I am about to say: There are two schools of thought on how to become more attractive to women:
1. Learn the correct sequence of tactics and social manipulations
2. Actually become a more attractive person.
I subscribe to the latter school, and consequently, what I teach indicates that. You can either learn proper manipulations and sometimes those will even work in the short term, but you’ll be exposed in the long term.
Or you can choose to become someone who has a high self-image, is interesting, engaging, and socially fun to talk with. If you are the latter, then by default, you are a bit of a challenge because you have options and women know that. Again, we are back to that sports analogy. The super-star free agent athlete is not desperate because he has option. If you have options, you’re not desperate either, and your demeanor indicates that.
So will a girl think you’re a challenge?
If she thinks you are a guy who is in demand by other women, you’re naturally a challenge. And girls can sense intuitively if you’re a guy who has options. Sometimes the mere fact that you’re able to flirt with them, smile, and be at complete ease around them without a smidgeon of nervousness communicates to women that you’re someone who can get it.
How will show know you’re a prize? Because you carry yourself like a motherf**kin’ prize!
Really, that’s the answer. I just went the long way in explaining it.
Like you, I’ve read my fair share of self-help advice. I’ve listened to enough people, and have taken from it what I can. It can be a slippery slope however. Too often, self-help becomes sort of a religion where people become void of independent thought, and depended upon their guru of choice. Phrases such as “Keep Your Power” and “Don’t give you power away” become common place cliches.
How do you create that power? Some say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. If so how do you get it? There are all sorts of techniques out there as to how to create the illusion that you’re powerful, and there is much advice to the tune of “Don’t give your power away” or “Keep your power” in the dating realm and interpersonal relationships between human beings in general. (Be it lovers, coworkers, your boss, and so forth.)
But then, you have to wonder, is power merely a position? Do you have to be appointed to some sort of a higher position to have power? Certainly, someone can point to a dictator and say he has power. He can order executions at will, and controls the army. But that’s really not the kind of power we are after, (And if that’s what you seek, you’re reading the wrong blog.)
So perhaps power is the wrong word to use here. Dating-coaches specially talk about “Hey, keep your power. Don’t give it away.” Certainly, it’s well intentioned, but power is not about control over other people. Really, what it comes down to is personal power. The personal power you have over your own actions, and you don’t need to attend 25 Tony Robbins seminars to gain control of it. It’s power over things YOU Can control, your decisions, ideals, emotions, and actions.
I’d say what we’re really talking about is Strength.
Strength is what we’re after in this realm. Not physical strength, but rather, mental strength. Mental strength is what separates many phenomenal athletes from just the good ones. Personal strength is respected, whereas power often times enforced.
So how do we build that strength? I believe that strength is built through accomplishing goals. To be more specific, setting up small tasks and accomplishing them. Much like physical strength, it’s built in increments. If you were going to make it a goal to lift 200 pounds (or whatever,) and all you can lift right now is 50, then you would need to build that strength. You’re not jumping from 50 to 200 overnight. But you can build the strength gradually.
Same comes with mental strength. It’s built over a period of time, but it’s stuff no one teaches you in school. They teach you everything else but there is no class on how to create resolve and what you want.
Strength is about resolve, it’s about not compromising, and it’s about keeping and acting in line with your ideals and values.
A good example of Strength is action is the popular movie “Gladiator” starring Russell Crowe. In watching the film we find 2 central characters: We have Caesar’s replacement played by Juaqin Phoenix; and we have Russell’s character Maximus.
We love Maximus, but can’t stand the new Caesar. Maximus has strength, the Caesar has power. Maximus’s strength comes from within, where as Caesar’s power was given to him by the position he was awarded. Nobody watches that movie and likes Caesar, though clearly he rules the entire land. With the pointing of his thumb, he can decide the fate of a man, and yet he fights to have any sort of respect through his reign. Yet, no one walks away from that film wishing he were that Caesar character. People walk away wanting to be similar to the Maximus character for he represents all of the things we wish we were.
Maximus stands for ideas and virtues that we respect, or wish we could have: The ability to stand for what we believe in, loyalty, valor, courage, and follow-through. He stands for strength and honor, and it’s the reason why such characters throughout the history of cinema as well as literature have been revered.
All of that seems great and flowery perhaps, but where does it leave you? A lot of men who seek advice online are seeking that strength in their relationships. It may be in approaching women, feeling better about themselves, or maintaining a better relationship with their girlfriend/wives.
Sometimes this issue is compounded by a philosophy of “Get laid at any cost” which certain people tend to possess and pass down. Walking away from a situation as an option, because then you didn’t get laid with that particular girl, and hence you lost. That certainly is one perspective, but keep in mind that it’s just one perspective, and if you were to observe men who are most successful in attracting women, you’d find that those who do display personal strength are far ahead of those who do not.
Yes, in other words, our character Maximus would do far better in attracting women, and the friendship of other men than would your average “Compromise yourself to brag that you got laid at any cost” person.
Here is what it all comes down to: A person possess certain ideals and values which he is not willing to compromise, be it in dating or whatever the scenario may be. Here is a quick dating example just for kicks: An attractive girl you’re talking with (or dating) talks negatively about a friend of yours whom you hold in high regard. What do you do?
Do you tell her that you hold that person in high regard, and while she is certainly entitled to her opinion, you’re not going to stand for your friend being slandered? Or Do you say nothing hoping that your silence will enhance your chances of getting laid?
There is difference in strength and intestinal fortitude. Again, to hammer the point home, it’s the reason we admire Maximus. We know beyond any doubt that if he were our friend, he’d speak up in that situation.
It’s that he will stand for his ideals. It’s why the following photograph is one that is infinitely powerful and timeless:
Man vs. Tank
A man versus tank is the equivalent of a mouse challenging an elephant. Yet, that guy is willing to stand there and face the consequences, while standing up for his values and his ideals.
Strength comes from within. It’s easy to be the guy in the tank. It’s not easy to stand up knowing you may get flattened into a pancake by that tank. That’s the difference in strength. The guy inside the tank has power. The guy standing in front of it has strength!!
“All of this Strength-talk is great, Cameron! How do you build it?”
Strength is built by setting up small goals, and then, accomplishing those small goals. Every single time you accomplish one such goal, you build strength. You build resolve. Some people call it character.
Lacking resolve and strength of character, people turn to all sorts of mythical creatures, invisible genie in the universe who brings you things while you sit on your behind making demands. But you and I know better than that.
You know best where you’re at in life. You know your own strength level and different people are at different points. It’s not a judgment on who is better or stronger. It’s simply knowing where you are and where you want to go. If you need more strength to get where you’re going, then you need to start by making small changes, taking those incremental steps.
It’s really the only way to do it. Don’t take my word for it, however. Study the lives of historical figures and you shall find the same pattern. Whether your goal is to achieve great things, get a new job, or simply lose 50 pounds of fat, it starts with setting up small goals and knocking them down.
You may say to me, “This is a dating blog and this advice doesn’t help me immediately. If I attend a house party, I still don’t know what to say to a girl standing nearby. I don’t know how to make proper conversation and flirt, and etc, etc, etc………..“
That’s a fair point. This article is not about approaching, what to say, how to flirt, obviously. Those are skills you learn as you go along (and yes my 16 CD audio course is a great resource for this), and yet, you have to still realize that there is a balance to be struck.
As for me personally, I’ve learned that you have to take steps to build strength, and to put it in layman’s terms, you don’t jump from lifting 50 pounds to 500. The guy who wins the most Valuable player award in professional sports didn’t get there in one giant leap either. It took guts and it took courage and along the way, he also built strength.
You have to find ways to bolster your identity, who you are, what you stand for, and what you project on to the world. Since this blog is dedicated to the dating, then it ought to be mentioned that those things [Identity & Values] cannot be determined by the validation of women in a nightclub. Just as similar, if you’re a woman, that identity can’t be determined by what sort of a man you date or how wealthy of a man you land.
Strength comes from within.
It’s that simple.
Again, how do you build strength? One inch at a time. It’s the inches around us that add up.
In fact, who is better at giving long motivational speeches than Al Pacino? Pretty much, No one. And let’s be honest, when you have Oliver Stone as Director and Pacino as lead actor, you have the movie making equivalent of an orgasm. So with all of that mind, sit back, blast that volume high, and watch the Inch by Inch Speech from the end of “Any Given Sunday”:
“Because we know when we add up all those inches, that’s gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing.”
This is a popular sighting in action films, which I used to make comments to my friends about. Glad to see someone made a video of this phenomenon.
Here it is: Cool Guys Don’t Look At Explosions
An explosion of that magnitude is one of the coolest things you could ever see in life. Well, not to mention that there may debris, shrapnel and flying metallic parts coming towards at a high velocity. Forget the safety factor, you’re too cool to even look at it from a spectator’s point of view.
Besides the comedy factor, there is a lesson to be learned here. The proverbial “Cool Guy” characters in major motion pictures walk away without looking because they do NOT care. Remember, that article about “Dating 9s and 10s?” I wrote last week?
Same dynamic. If she does not reciprocate the effort you put forth, you ought to be willing to walk away (preferably in slow motion.) And if Mark Wahlberg can walk away from that spectacular explosion (1:25 in the video), then you shouldn’t have to worry about walking away.
So how does it relate to dating? So, you’re not feeling the chemistry with that hot girl. You’re willing to walk away (without setting her on fire. FYI.) You don’t try extra hard to try and make it work. You walk away…. (Btw, I’ve done my fair share of trying too hard to make a cold-approach work, and from experience, I’d tell ya that it’s not really a good idea.) I still, however, would look at an explosion.
But then you didn’t get the girl!. Yes, You didn’t “get” the girl and you don’t really care.
Your pals and acquaintances may say “Hey man, you didn’t get the girl” and guess what…. You don’t care about what they have to say about it either… There are a lot of important things to care about in life, but initial approach interactions (and apparently explosions) are not part of them.
Plus, remember there are tens of millions of attractive women in the world. You will come across many of them. How often in life will you see a movie-type explosions that uses 100s of gallons of gasoline to create spectacular fire? Maybe a few times?? (Unless you’re in a war torn country in which case, you’d still probably choose to duck and take cover).
If Wolverine can walk away unconcerned about his beautifully permed & conditioned hair catching on fire, then you can walk away from someone who is not reciprocating your efforts….
Remember that there are cool guy AREAS you have to walk to…
Two weeks ago, I had a chance to see the new movie “Up In the Air” with a female friend of mine. While I enjoyed enjoyed watching the film, I also realized that I’d never really want to see it again. Why? There is something off about it that I couldn’t put my finger on immediately. Then I realized the issue as the reason dawned me.
It’s that the film deceives and confuses us with George Clooney.
I’ll explain. I like a lot of Clooney’s movies and I like that he understands his best assets. He understands what any leading man type of actor knows: To bring a piece of himself into each character because that’s what makes a good leading man.
Either way, I guess I’d qualify as a Clooney fan. I do enjoy his movies, (and had he not been in this film, I would not have paid money to see it in the cinema), but probably even more so, I am a fan of the fact that he uses his celebrity for good causes. Whether he is raising funds for victims of 9/11 or taking a dangerous trip to Dafur with his farther to raise awareness, he does try to create some sort of a positive socio-political difference. He seems genuine and sincere so it’d be difficult even for a cynic to dislike George.
OK, with that in mind, let’s get to the movie and Clooney’s chracter. He plays Ryan Bingham, a loner character who nearly travels on a plane every single day of the year. His fear of responsilbity is so great that he doesn’t own one piece of furniture in his apartment nor does he have any friends. He has completely neglected his family, his nieces and nephews, and the only thing that matters to him is accruing more Airline miles. On top of all that, his occupation is to fire people from their jobs every day of the year. That’s Bingham in a nutshell.
Halfway through the film, I realize that I really dislike this Character. Ryan Bingham in some ways can be seen as despicable. If he were walking the sidewalks of NYC and a grand Piano landed on top of his head,you really wouldn’t care all that much about it as an audience member.
There is the underlying problem. We as audience members like George Clooney. There is nothing likable about a guy obsessed with airline miles who has forsaken and forgotten his family and everyone else he has ever known, finding refuge sitting in airplanes and airports. We don’t care what happens to him.
The ONLY Reason that we sit through this movie watching this character is because it’s being played by George Clooney. Anyone else, and some of us would walk out of the theater. But we like George. He is likable. We are not watching Ryan, we are watching George, or Danny friggin’ Ocean.
Again, you can’t dislike a guy like that. It’s that Clooney has an interesting quality: He is inherently likable. You could say the same about the veteran actor Jack Lemmon, (who passed away recently). You feel sorry for him at the end of Glengarry Glenross. According to Jack Lemmon himself, you’re supposed to hate this “Levine” character as he is a bit of a low life snakeoil salesman, but again, it’s difficult to dislike Lemmon. You feel sympathetic towards him.
So back to “Up In the Air.”
Depending on which perspective you look at it, Clooney is either miscast, or then again, casting him is a stroke of casting genius. As you watch the film, you find yourself apathetic towards Ryan Bingham. You think to yourself, “Why am I wasting two hours of my life watching the story of some douchebag with no redeeming value?” Then it hits you. You’re watching it because it’s Clooney, not Bingham.
We do NOT continue to watch this film becaue we are interested in Ryan Bingham. We watch because we are interested in George Clooney. Think about this and you’ll find it to be true. You may have thought you were watching it because of Ryan, but you really were not. So on the one hand, it’s casting genius but then, it’s miscasting when you feel empty walking out of the theater.
The movie should have gone the other way. They should have cast someone who is inherently dis-likable: Someone like James Woods! (Not necessarily Woods, but someone who carries the same vibe & demeanor)
We find James Woods objectionable even when he plays good guys!! Something about his demeanor speaks to our subconscious. It’s as if we inherently know Woods is a prick. We’ve all had a boss or a teacher or someone who was a complete prick and James Woods represents all of them in our psyche. The impact of the movie would have come to fruition if this story followed literature laws and learned something redeemable about becoming someone a little less self-absorbed. And at the end, the character has to die.
As it stands, “Ryan Bingham” writes a great recommendation letter for the younger woman in the film, representing his selfless act, but it’s not enough. His act of redemption needs to resonate with us more. My female friend chose to see it as “He’s turned over a new leaf, he is a new person now.” Yet, she was unaffected by the character as well. I realize the angle of a scorned and bitterman who has engulfed himself in work ready to finally open up emotionally…. but the film doesn’t explore this character’s past. Hence, there has to be something substantial to make an impact.
It’s how I’d done it. Yes, to some it’s cliche, but the only way to make character of Ryan Bingham impactful on the audience, is to kill his character. It’s the same reason Jack Nicholson’s McMurphy is destroyed at the end of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest” and (unlike Bingham) we the audience really actually like McMurphy.
In this instance, if the point of the movie is to realize how so many people live boring mundane and self-absorbed lives, then his character needs to be killed in order to create a disturbance in the psyche of the audience emotionally. The movie more impactful if the selfish discpicle scrooge is killed off at the end, but does one heroric act that makes a difference, and allows him to realize this sort of eiphany…
The way it’s made, you leave the theater with an apathetic feeling, “Ahh, could take it or leave it.” The bit of sympathy you feel for his character is only felt because you like Clooney’s charm, mannerisms and sincereity. The sympathy, hence, is really not for Ryan Bingham which is the flaw of this well intentioned, well directed, and well acted film.
So there you have the mixed emotions. The film is well acted, and well directed and yet you realize that you were completely apathetic towards professional loner, “Ryan Bingham,” except that you were watching George Clooney.
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Up In The Air, As it relates to Dating.
Anything useful regarding dating and attraction as far as this movie is concerned? Indirectly, yes. It’s the concept of “Banking on your likability.”
A lot of guys seek dating advice from various sources, but along the way, sometimes they lose their way. They become too preoccupied with trying to learn how to use techniques for every situation but they lose sight of banking on their best assets. Ever heard the expression “Put Your Best Foot Forward?” It’s an important notion in being more successful in dating. It’s learning to enhance your strengths, or building on your best traits. Different people are gifted with various traits, whether it’s intelligence, a great sense of humor, superior athletic ability and so forth.
You can learn to lead with your best foot forward, displaying your best assets. You have to first discover what that is, be it charm, charisma, passion, or whatever. Then you must learn to utilize that trait as your proverbial “Best Foot Forward” as you turn into a strength that works for you.
How Do I Date 9s and 10s? The Super Attractive Women?
I received the following in an email. Good questions are appreciated as they give me ideas on what to write about next. So here is the email:
Hello Cameron,
I stumbled upon your blog after reading an article you wrote about phony PUAs and “flash game.” Your honest and open approach is admirable. It’s refreshing.
I’ve been in the community for about 1.5 years now, faithfully going out about three times per week and doing day game at school. (I’m 23.) I’m also proud to say that I have a real social life, hobbies and friends too, which seems to be a rare thing amongst the community guys I’ve met. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. After reading your article, you seem like a guy I could trust to give me a quick piece of advice. If so, I would be grateful.
Essentially, I can go out to a club and come home with a few legit numbers or get a pull from 7s or 8s. (Nothing wrong with these girls, nice people.) I believe this and know this; it’s just how it is. However, I’m still having trouble breaking through to the really hot girls, the 9s and 10s. The few community guys around here are good guys but also pretty new and awkward. I don’t have much for mentorship. I’m wondering if you could give me some insight regarding your experiences with breaking through with these hotter girls. Did you have any epiphanies or turning points that resonated with you as you were learning? Any practical advice?
Thanks for taking the time to read this letter. I will continue to read your stuff.
Cheers,
Nick from Canada
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Hey Nick.
Before I get to the answer on this one, I’d like to point out to two things: I’m really not a big fan of the constant categorization of women by a number system. Imagine if women categorized men by “Level 1, 2, 3″ and so forth and it was all based on the level of income a man had. You think they were shallow bitches and you’d be right.
Look from the other angle, and “I want a 9, 10″ has the same social meaning. Having said that, (homage to Larry David’s Curb your Enthusiasm), I understand that this terminology is here to stay when discussing dating and attraction.
The 2nd issue is that rating is so subjective. Seduction Community people throw around 8s,9s, and 10s as though they’re just apples growing on a tree. In an article last year, I mentioned that to me the bench mark of that proverbial “9 or 10″ would be equivalent to a Sport Illustrated swimsuit model. If you’re going by sheer physical looks, then the person as to have striking features with or without make up.
As an example, here is a photograph of model “Amber Valletta” who coincidentally was in the film Hitch.
I picked her photo because on the web, I also found a B&W photograph of her wearing absolutely no make up. It was part of a series entiteld models without makeup. I thought it was brave and gutsy to volunteer for that. This is her with no makeup at age 35:
No Makeup
Again, even at 35, with zero makeup, she still has stunning features, and a very defined face. My point: How many guys giving dating-advice consistently date women who are extremely naturally attractive?
Well, I haven’t seen it, and I’ve pretty much met/hung out with all of these dudes. It’s just that in their boasting and claims, they like to brag about how they specifically date “9s and 10s.” This is from 6′5-inch (195 cm) tall Mystery right down to 3-foot (127 cm) tall Stephenson. They all want YOU to specifically know that they only date 9s and 10s.
Even if they did, (which they don’t), bragging about it to guys on the Internet makes you a bit of a douchebag in my book. But hey, that’s just my opinion. Bear with me here, there a point to all of this, and that is:
*If you truly are getting 7s and 8s, you’re doing damn well, and better than probably 80s% of the men on this planet.
So the first point is that you’re obsessing about something community influenced people obsess about: Chasing down 9s and 10s.
Should a man not desire an extremely beautiful woman? I didn’t say that. In my observation, most guys who do get the proverbial 9s and 10s, don’t put so much emphasis on doing so. And they don’t exclusively date 9s and 10s. One day, you’d see them with a cute girl, another time, it’s a totally average girl, and then one day the dude is hanging with a physically stunning specimen.
Make it a point to observe those kinds of guys and their demeanor. You’ll find what I wrote to be very spot on. Yet, it’s the community charlatans who create this myth of themselves in dating 9s and 10s, and even then, their ideas of 9s and 10s are women who don’t look very wholesome. You know the type…. Platinum blonde hair, wearing so much makeup that you need a jackhammer and some sort of an acid to try and break the hardened pancake makeup off of their face.
I am going to assume that the latter is not what you are asking about. With that thought in mind, would I claim I only date a certain type? No. I have dated extremely attractive women and I have dated ones whom I thought were cute (And usually more fun to hang with.)
It’s more of a case of “Getting it out of your system!” Then you can relax more and enjoy the women for who they are and how much fun you have with them, instead of valuing what others would rate them physically. Sometimes, you have to date a few super attractive women to get it out of your system. After you do, you won’t care about it as much anymore, because you will have stopped caring about the validation of other people regarding whom you date. And once again, that comes from within. It’s like you had to prove it to yourself to get over your own ego. (Or such has been my personal experience.) It’s like, “I came, I saw, I conquered, proved I could do it. Forget the rest of you.”
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So, how do you step up your game to the next level to ATTRACT REALLY ATTRACTIVE Women?
Part 1: Flipping that Inner-Switch
For starters, there is an interesting switch that has to take place inside your head. The conflict is that this does not occur with learning more tactics, techniques, and spectacular routines. Hence we come across that dreaded word: Innergame.
Some discount it, and others who teach it really don’t understand it. You have woo-woo people running around quoting things out of various books, and selling it as some holistic fix-all solution. They don’t really get it either. These are the people who think a genie runs everything and if you sit on your ass wishing for a 10, then the genie will just plant one on your cock. I am also going to assume you’re more intelligent than that as well!
So, how does “Innergame” help? How does raising your confidence help?
Because you have to not care. That you are somewhat careless is not the result of some tactic, but more a manifestation of your inner beliefs and ideals.If you’re at a nightclub chatting with a very hot girl, you have to really not care all of that much about the whole thing. This doesn’t mean that you should act boring and disconnected. Quite to the contrary, it helps to be charismatic, interesting and intriguing. It’s just that really have to not care all of that much about the end-result.
That she doesn’t call, return a phone call, or has a 100 guys lusting after her & catering to her every wish has to NOT faze you. Again, seriously, look at the Mickey Rourke demeanor in the clip I posted last week. Yes, it’s a cheesy fantasy scene for men, but imagine if the woman had looked at Mickey Rourke, snubbed him by turning around and looking away without saying a word.
He’d still ride off on his Harley and move on. He wouldn’t go to study more game, or consult a 6′5 magician in goth clothing/fishnet shirts. He would not care whether he was stuck in step A1, A2, or Z54.
He’d just ride off either way, WITH or WITHOUT her…
It’s not something you can teach in an article, but it’s important to understand and recognize the type of behavior that is needed….
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Part 2: Social Value Scale
The other part is working the social value scale. Really “Hot Women” have the option of going out with almost any man who is straight, and so they opt to date the highest value person on social scale they can find.
Bear in mind that the social-scale changes depending on country, culture, and even circumstances. In college, a partying van-wilder type may be held in high esteem but after college, he may regarded as a drunken idiot. This social value does really change depending from one subculture to another.
The college-football player may rule the scene and have extreme high social value in his university, but if he does not make the NFL Ranks, he’ll be showing up at your door trying to sell you a Hoover Vacuum cleaner.
Not only can it change over the years, but it can change from one specific venue or niche to the next. Another example: In a night club, a DJ has high social value. His name is printed on the flyers promoting the event, people kiss his ass, and he even has galactical DJ battles with other DJs…. During the day, or even at a nice cocktail party with succesful people in the real world, he is just a jerkoff with little musical talent who plays other people’s music. So it can change that quickly….
See how that can change depending on specific scenarios?
Even more examples: Look at some of the dudes who claim to be sex-master/tantra teachers. After you meet them in real life, you too would conclude that they couldn’t make a distinction between a gaping asshole and a gopher hole. Yet, it doesn’t stop them as using that as a calling card to tell women that they’re respected tantra teachers. Guess what? A few somewhat attractive dimwitted women here and there will eventually fall for it. And really that’s all they need…. That’s another example of working the social value scale.
What this mean for you?
Based on where you live (country, state, culture), and where you hang out (College, nightclubs, cocktail party, spiritual retreats, the library, poetry readings, whatever……), you ought to learn to work the social value scale a bit. That’s something you’ll have to figure out for yourself.
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The Inevitable Conundrum & Conflict:
There is one problem here as you may have picked up yourself already: The two components I just mentioned are diametrically opposed. They’re working in exact opposite directions. If you really did NOT care at ALL, you wouldn’t take time to work the social-value scale, and if you choose to work the social value scale, then by default, you do care to some extent.
You have to be able to strike a compromise between these two forces. Maintaining a balance between partial apathy and establishing a social value baseline is the trick here.
In essence, you have to work the social-value scale a little bit, and yet, sport that attitude of “I am willing to walk away.”
In the initial phase of meeting the really attractive women, that partially apathetic attitude, displayed and demonstrated through underlying demeanor, is going to work wonders.
The reason confidence is important is because this demeanor is more implicit that explicit, and it requires a deeper resolve than just superficial pretense. I say “Partially apathetic” because it does not mean you can’t show interest or have fun. You can express interest in her & be very flirtatious, but if she does not reciprocate, you’d have be willing to walk without care.
95% of men are not willing to do that! (By the way, that’s just a guess by me, not a scientific study.)
Balancing both of these components is important. In the dating realm, you often see men who try to work the social-value scale in order to pick up women, but they lack the attitude and the edge required. You’ll see a garden variety of men pretending to be rock stars, scenesters, or connected to the social scene, but they lack the attitude I just described in this article.
So if you wanted tips, here is my usual style of bullet points to summarize the article:
Work on your self-image, having more attitude/edge. This means that you actually may have to do less as far as high-energy bouncing off the walls type of behavior. The old adage “Less is More” comes into play here. Show interest, but also, be willing to walk away.
Work the social value scale a little bit when and where you can. Work Your niche in your particular environment where you meet women most often.
To get a more thorough understanding of my concepts, get a copy of my Ebook or Audio course.
I received an email from a lad in Europe. He has made some breakthroughs in some self-realizations and finished the email by asking questions about sexual prowess. Well, I’ll let you read the excerpts for yourself.
……. The blog is full of useful info… yet I think what most of the guys are missing is “purpose of action”. Why am I doing this? As I was studying community material (and was wondering if acting as gay as M***w can get someone laid…or just make a total clown of yourself in front of a decently intelligent woman)…finally I realized my whole mindset was made of seeking approval. What do women like? How can I do this to make it “be good”… Also realizing the fact that I was still in the same patterns as in highschool somehow…kinda having fun with women but still having an underlying blanket of insecurity and limiting beliefs and lack of fulfillment…
Now ….I find xxxxx xxxxx’s stuff really creepy …because I find the man creepy. Some good stuff but altogether not what I wanna create with a woman. Is this all about trusting your desires and letting passion guide you? I read xxxx xxxxxx’s book…I kinda enjoyed it….cosmo advice but with a lot of insight into “paying attention to her” and the way it applies… What do you think about this stuff? Can you give me some direction if you think a guy can study stuff like this anywhere? I don’t know… Deida or something? Is there someone/something you endorse on this subject? I might have answered my own question… that a man who does what he wants in life, lives with purpose and is true to his desires should be automatically good in bed….yet…what do you think about this?
Hey Ian,
You raise a good point about purchasing “How to have better sex” products. I think that gaining some skills in becoming a better lover will definitely do you good, and give you sexual confidence. I’ll share the three basic principles that I’ve come to see as the most important ones in being a good lover. I won’t sit here and brag about my sexual prowess to no end, but let’s just say if it were a job interview, I could provide excellent references from girls I’ve dated in the past.
In my experience &observation, there are 3 main elements to being a good lover and I think you’ll find these 3 main elements beneficial.
The 3 essential pieces of being a great lover in bed in my experience:
Skills aspect- Physically knowing what to do…
There is an actual skills part as far as knowing what to do physically. Whether it’s oral sex or intercourse, (or whatever)…. it pays to understand female anatomy, how it works, and what makes women feel good. Women themselves will tell you that what most guys think is great sex (jumping on and pounding away) is in poor judgment.
Keep in mind that a lot of girls in their early to mid 20s don’t really even know their bodies that well, so it becomes important for you to be able to show them the way. Many girls in that age range are not in tune with their bodies, and many have not taken the time to personally experiment to even know what feels good.
Mental Aspect – The Ability to be able to get a woman to relax and be comfortable.
Many women are not very comfortable during sex, especially the first time. For whatever reason, men are much less self-conscious about their aesthetic physique than women are. A man with a big beer gut is much more accepting of himself than a woman who is just 5 pounds overweight. You could attribute that to social pressure, social conditioning, and various social stigmas, but that’s outside of the scope of this article.
It becomes essential that you are able to make a woman feel comfortable with you in bed. If you can do that, you open the Pandora’s box to a world of possibilities. Not only she’ll have a fantastic experience, she’ll also be open to sharing her fantasies once you’ve gained her trust. Hence, the more comfort and trust she has with you, the more she’ll be willing to try all of the things that she has fantasized about, but didn’t tell her previous lovers/boyfriends because she was afraid how he’d react.
Being able to make her comfortable starts with you being comfortable with yourself. You also have to be able to take the lead, and have confidence because you know what you’re doing. Sporting a masculine take-charge vibe while being open is the formula here. That means while you’ll entertain all sorts of ideas, ultimately, you’re in charge in the bedroom. Women who do appreciate good sex will appreciate that as well.
The great thing about sex is that during its intimacy, you can be totally honest. Man, all of the things that were socially inappropriate to say now can actually be said. All of the compliments that you could not say when first meeting them, you can now say. I can tell girls how incredibly hot I find them and I can tell them the filthy thoughts I had the moment when we first met. (Most other times, this would be socially unacceptable, and too much too soon.) But that’s the great thing about good passionate sex, it’s very honest.
Awareness: Observation, Being present,
The last piece is observing and listening to what she responds to. For example, one girl may absolutely love having her neck and ears kissed and nibbled on, and another is not so crazy about it . She is ok with it, but could take it or leave it. Some have more sensitive nipples than others, some like their bellies kissed more, some like the neck kissed but don’t care for their ears being played with, and it goes on and on.
A lot of guys have a specific playbook they want to run which doesn’t work. While everyone shares the same anatomy, personal preferences vary and this is something you can learn by observing and listening. In one sense “Cosmo” is right in that regard, but then they take it too far and don’t really tell you how to do anything properly. They have an article about sex in every issue for the past 20 years and they’re still no closer to solving the issue. (If they did, they’d have to stop selling magazines.) It’s really as simple as I explained in the above paragraph. You just have to play around and get the gist of it.
Those are the 3 main components. Obviously, you can delve deeper into each one and study them further, but whatever you’re studying will pretty much fall under the 3 categories I’ve created above.
There are countless products on the market designed to help you with your sexual performance. If you have questions on technicalities and such, you could forward them to Steve P. Generally, most of the guys who sell “How to better sex” products in the Seduction community have ripped off and stolen from Steve P. at some point. Anyhow, that’s whom I endorse in this area.
As for sexual techniques, studying a bit is good but you don’t need to read a 1000 books about it. I read books about that even before I was into the PUA stuff because I was curious about it. I’ve find that the even the mainstream books give you the basics you need to know. There is no deep dark secret about fucking. There is no need to for a hidden secret community to learn about it. Read a few things, get the basics of it, and you’re good to go.
As for being a good lover, a lot of it comes down to attitude and the bar is not set that high. Most guys are crappy lovers, or at least from what women tell me. I suppose they could be lying, but I don’t see a majority of women (from different walks of life) having complaints about previous lovers being poor as something they’d randomly just lie about.
Learn the basics, and have fun with it. I think guys worry about “Being the best lover she has ever had“. That’s a flawed theory. Because you may be an incredible lover, but then, she may have had another guy who was good, (not incredible) with whom she was deeply in love with. The emotional passion is going to far outweigh the physcial aspect of it.
Once again, we are back to strkiing a balance. It’s good to be a great lover, but it’s not great to be a good lover. What I mean by that is that they’re not going to send you a Congressional Medal of Honor because you’re a good lover. Once again, we are back to overcompensating for insecurities. Making your woman feel good in bed should not be born out of insecurity, in my opinion. It should be in the spirit of giving. (Obvisouly, all of this is my personal perspective.)
IMO, It’s great that a man cares about taking care of his woman, but when it’s an obsession, when he has to prove that he is so far better than everyone else she has ever had, when he tries to prove that all the time, then we are back to the same insecurieis that get men in trouble with dating.
19th Century American folk hero, Davy Crockett, once famously said,
“Be sure you’re right, then go ahead.”
That dynamic applies here to some extent as well. Be sure you know what you’re doing, then go ahead. It’s that simple! And yes, this may be the only time on the Internet where you see a Davy Crockett reference in a “How to have better sexual prowess” article. It’s what makes the blog special.
I briefly wrote about this a few years back, but then a recent conversation last week reminded me that it ought to be mentioned again. (Back when I wrote about it, it upset a few dating-coaches.)
I was having dinner with a few people, one of whom has gotten particularly involved with the community. (He was involved a long time ago, took sometime off, then he is back at it again, unfortunately.) So he tells me, “Wow, you’ve gotta see instructor xyz game. He is so incredible. He goes up to the girls and he has them wrapped around his fingers. I’ve never seen anything like it. Man you gotta come out and see this guy.”
I try to change the subject. Oh, how I try…. “So, you excited about the NFL playoffs?”
His reply is to torture me more. “Dude, this guy’s stuff is cutting edge. I’ve been helping him out at his bootcamps.” Btw, this is one of the surefire signs that you’re very likely dealing with a community-involved person: They don’t notice your eyes glazing over not being interested in the conversation, nor do they take notice repeated multiple attempts at changing the conversation. (People are also encouraged to “Plow Through”)
Finally, I’ve had enough. This is 2nd time he has gone on a diatribe about his new bootcamp instructor infatuation, and I happen to know the instructor, and really I am not that impressed, nor do I want to waste my time hearing about it. “Look man, I know you like these workshops and you’re excited about this alleged new stuff you’re learning. It’s nothing new. And plus your hero-instructor for the most part is regurgitating Mystery-Method and selling it as Natural-Game. It’s kinda sad actually.”
He finally gets it. I am not interested in hearing about instructor xyz teaching “Pick Up Artist” dating workshops, an instructor who then blatantly lies about his results, but we’ll save that for later… My buddy is not happy with me! I liked our friendship better before he got involved into the bootcamp business where we could talk about normal hobbies. He is a good guy and deserves better than being enthralled with “Dating Guru” scumbags. Anyhow, moving past that…
Why was this guy so infatuated with this new instructor?
FLASH GAME!
What is flash-game? How does it work? What’s the purpose? Why even do it?
Flash-game is a hyperactive high energy way of approaching women, then machine gunning them down with a barrage of routines, [a verbatim memorized script], all designed to get them laughing, giggling and looking like you have them eating out of the palm of your hand.
Why do this? Because it impresses students! It wows the paying customer into thinking he has just witnessed an incredible feat in front of his eyes. To the student, it’s the equvialent of having watched live John Elway’s “The Drive” or Magic’s Baby skyhook in the 1987 NBA Finals against the Celtics. It’s meant to be dazzle. Not proud of it, but I’ve done it! Back in the Project Hollywood days, circa 2004, I’ve done quite a bit of flash game.
What’s the problem?
Let’s put it this way: Flash-game is the equivalent of a fat guy who has not exercised in 10 years telling you, “Look, how athletic and fit I am” by running 50 yards (close to 50 meters) as fast as he can. But then you know that if he had jogged another 50, he’d collapse and vomit all over himself. Who knows, he might have even shit himself and soiled his underwear. But for those first 50 meters, he can make himself look good.
Point is Flash-game doesn’t really work in the greater context of attracting women. It does not yield results It’s designed for the instructor to dupe the students to thinking he can have any girl in the bar he wants. So he does approaches the girls, tries to entertain them in whatever way he can for a few minutes.
Sometimes the instructors behave as over-the-top flamboyant effeminate homosexual men to ease the women into tolerating them. I KNOW you’ve seen this, if you’ve been around the seduction community. You’ve seen “Insider” footage of hidden-camera pickups that were the equivalent of watching Bruno approach women in a nightclub.
I'm a fabulous Pick Up Artist
Again, this does not translate to attraction or turning a woman on sexually. Don’t take my word for it. If you have close female friends, ask them what they fantasize about when they play with themselves… It’s not the effeminate homosexual guy (who is still in denial) sweeping them off of their feet. That’d be the opposite of what they really fantasize.
Either way, Flash game is designed to make you look good for a 5-minute period and that’s it. She has nothing vested in the conversation and it certainly doesn’t mean that she is interested. It’s a parlor trick. You ever watch a street-performer or a side-show? You have fun, and perhaps give the guy a few dollars as a tip, and you walk away
Disclaimer: In the bar game, if an instructor is good at what he does, he could switch gears, slow things down, and create some rapport and perhaps work that into a one-night-stand with a specific type of girl but most guys teaching don’t have much personality to begin with. So we’re back to square one….
The problem is two-fold: Guys teaching wanting to “Wow” the students and the guys learning wanting to be highly impressed. You have to decide if you’re taking a workshop/bootcamp to experience more success in dating women, or if you’re spending money to be wowed. If it’s the latter, then you just like spending money for your pick-up artist infatuation, and not really interested in becoming better yourself. (And there are plenty of guys like that.)
I recall speaking to a group of guys about a year and a half ago. Afterwards, one guy blurted, “Man, I’d love to watch you game sometime.”
Like I told him then,
A. I am not a dancing monkey here to perform for you.
B. If you saw me talking to girl, it’d be most unspectacular “Pick up” you’ve ever seen. If I am talking to a girl at a supermarket, you’re not going to see me bounce off the walls, doing handshakes and spin moves….
What you’d see from a distance is two people talking, and if it’s going well, a lot of laughing, and ideally to the unsuspecting eye, it’d look like two friends who haven’t seen each other in a few months catching up.
The more trained eye would see a lot of flirtatious sub-communication, but it’s not impressive. It’s two people chatting, having fun and laughing… That’s it. Ideally, an approach represents the comfort of you talking to a male-buddy, (except with your male buddy, you don’t glance and talk with a tonality that you want to fuck him.)
Again, if you know a guy in your neighborhood who is the proverbial player, (I mean a real player, not some dweeb in the community, or a sleazy prick wearing devil horns). Observe the player guy a few times from a distance. You might you use the adjective “Smooth”. It’s like watching Mickey Rourke in his prime! And let’s be honest here, not all guys can come off that smooth but at least, Mickey Rourke is a better visual representation of what Smooth ought to look like than your average dating-coach.
For the record, I’ve traveled 1000s of miles on American highways through at least 20 different States, and never seen a hot woman like that hitchhiking. OK, so it’s a bit of a fantasy, but again, if you’re going to have a visual reference in your imagination for what cool is……… Please remember the clip above, not the socially creepy guy giving social advice. This has been a public service announcement, brought to you by Cameron. Thanks. Back to our regular programming..
I do understand the dilemma from both perspectives. Even the FEW instructors who are worth learning from run into the dilemma of people reporting back, “Well, I took this bootcamp and it wasn’t that impressive.” So sometimes, they’re forced to resort to Flash-game for business reasons.
At the end of the day, a lot of this comes down to the consumer: If you decide to take a weekend workshop/coaching/bootcamp, have a clear cut idea of what you want to get out of it!
After I did that “Charlatan Podcast” with Sinn, guys started writing me emails telling me about feeling like they were duped, conned and ripped off by various dating-gurus. I am not the community-police, and unfortunately, there is not much I can do about it. I am sorry you got ripped off.
You ought to know that a lot of the claims by “Seduction Community Dating Gurus” are phony testimonies. Socially awkward guy is laying women left and right after xyz bootcamp… BULLSHIT.
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Regarding testimonials from dating-gurus teaching in-field bootcamps. Let’s see here:
Phony: Guy who is a bit socially awkward takes bootcamp and by the end of that week, he has a 3some with girls.
More realistic: He has a 3some with his effeminate male instructor and his male lackey hang-around. OK, just kidding. That’s my sick sense of humor… Couldn’t help it.
More realistic (Serious this time!): The following week, that student meets a few girls, some of whom flake, and then 1 who shows up for a date! Success story!!
Congrats. And seriously, if you’re taking a workshop, when was the last time you had a date with a girl you liked? A date that went well! Seriously? I mean a girl you looked FORWARD to seeing… When was it?
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Phony:
Wow, three of my students got laid this weekend!
First Reaction: Was there a 3-for-1 deal at the local brothel? Rarely, if ever, do students get laid on bootcamps. And seriously, if you’re looking to take a dating-workshop in order to get laid that weekend, you’re a silly bastard.
Save your cash. Go where the pros go! To a prostitute. You pay them a fraction of what you paid Mr. PUA and the sex is guaranteed. A 100% guaranteed. If it makes you feel better, run a routine stack on her. Tell her it’s part of the foreplay for you. You have her for an hour!
Tell her you want to come in the room, do an 80s dogs opener, ask her if she thinks if David Bowie is hot, or hire TWO GIRLS and do the best friends test! Then isolate one, make the other jealous, and have sex with both ANYWAY! It’s great! You’re the stud!
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There is actually a guy out there who teaches “How to date professional women” seminars. You know, like dating “porn stars”, escorts, strippers, street-walkers ….
That’s like going to the butcher, paying him lots of money to teach you HOW to get a steak by chasing down a cow! You ever try to tackle a cow in an open field? Me neither, but seriously, it’s gotta be pretty difficult. I mean, they have 4 legs….
Point is: Go directly to the supermarket. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. (or pay 3000 in this case.) Go directly to the meat-market. They got lots of steaks you can buy there… (and yes cheesy pun intended. Thank you.)
To bring it back to point: “My students get laid at my workshops” is usually bullshit. It rarely happens, and when it does, it’s to guys who really didn’t a workshop that badly. They just needed a few minor points.
Have realistic expectations and focus on what you want to get out of that workshop. Remember there is no “Pure Game.” There is no competition. It’s only you being happy with your social life.
Whether you meet women during day time or nightclubs/bars, whether you meet them at house parties, school, or online, whether you meet them at conferences/seminars or the school’s science club, is irrelevant. If it’s working for you, that’s what matters
Whether they’re tall, short, big tits or small, the bimbo or the nerd with glasses, you have to make one important distinction: Are you out with that girl because you like her or are you trying to impress other dudes? Think about that one….. Seriously.
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In conclusion, don’t get sucked into PUA-infatuation like my buddy whom I mentioned in the beginning. Easy to do flash-game to front load the interaction to be impressive with no follow-through.
Know what you want to get out of the workshop, and focus on your goals. Don’t be duped by glorious reports of “My students are getting laid left and right and getting 3somes.” If you want to get laid that badly, hire a professional girl for a fraction of the cost. Don’t go to a pick up artist asking him to provide Vaginas for you. There is a profession for that, they’re called pimps.
The only way you’re going to get better is by improving yourself a little bit at a time. Someone mentioned working on your attributes (It was me! I have to boast sometime!) and really work on becoming more interesting, dressing better, raising your social awareness, and being more at ease with yourself when you talk to girls (which comes from raising your self-image as well as practicing lots of socializing with various women).
That’s the way to improve. Otherwise, you’ll be writing me emails (or at least you’ll want to) about how some dipshit pickup artist duped you and now you feel ripped off….
I don’t want to have to tell you, “I told you so…….”
That’s the question I am asked sometimes, whether it’s through email, or on Facebook, and so forth. Some guys even offer a multiple choice option: Is it because of reason XYZ? So do I really hate the “Pick Up Industry?” Do I dislike certain individuals? Do I like certain concepts or ideas? Or do I just like stirring the shit every so often?
Since some of you ask, here is a little blog entry that’ll help provide more clarity. I suppose I should address two separate issues here.
Issue # 1:
First is the comedy-factor. It’s nearly impossible the rich source of good laughs and comedy the seduction community can provide. To be more clear, the so called “Dating Gurus” are unintentionally funny individuals. Socially creepy people who are outcasts of society trying to give normal guys with normal jobs dating advice is just funny.
Maybe I am going after an easy target here but the comedian in me can’t help but have good laughs about these “Gurus.” That can easily be misconstrued as hate. Certainly, there are individuals who hate the seduction community and are consumed by it, but that’s taking it a bit too far. An occasional laugh is therapeutic; an infatuation with dating-gurus is not.
I spend the majority of blog writing articles that provide solid advice, and my objective with most of the “Dating” articles is to write for someone who has no idea the “Seduction Community” exists.
Issue # 2:
The dangers of seduction-infatuation.
Having been involved with the community, I’ve learned a lot of cool stuff and have made some good friends. Whereas I struggled in “Cold-approaching” women in the beginning, I now don’t have issues talking to women anywhere. Flirting with women out and about has become second nature and that’s the gratifying part of the whole thing. It also has enabled me to look inside and learn things about myself, my beliefs, and ideals.
I also find it to be sad that 80% of the guys who enter the community won’t be able to improve very much and may even suffer blowbacks to their happiness.
Henceforth, along with providing dating tips and guidelines, I also try to issue a stern warning to guys. It may help prevent some men from getting sucked into a weird psychological trap, and for others, it may serve as a wake-up call by allowing them to see themselves from 3rd person perspective.
- The Hobby analogy.
People often want to compare “Picking Up Women” to other hobbies like playing sports or music. So let’s examine that briefly.
Look, any activity you partake in can become a hobby or even a slight obsession. You could start playing tennis for the first time in your life, and you may become enamored by the sport. Soon, you are on the court playing 4 nights a week, and you find yourself watching Tennis on TV as well. Soon after, you start following the matches of Roger Federer and company, reading articles in Tennis magazines and on the Internet.
You may enjoy Tennis so much, you even take time to watch some of the classics. You look on ESPN classics and watch various classic matches, Andre Agassi to Bjorn Borg, Jimmy Connors and John McEnroe, Ivan Lendl and Boris Becker, and the list goes on…
You’re fully invested in the sport of Tennis. So what’s the problem? Nothing. Playing Tennis 4 times a week is a healthy activity, and so maybe you’re a bit obsessed, but it’s not as if you’re skipping work or obligations to run to the Tennis court. For the most part, the new Tennis obsession enhances your life in some way. You make new friends on to play Tennis with and you’re now exercising four times a week.
Problem arises when people treat “Pick Up Artistry, Seduction Community, Dating,” in the same manner as the Tennis aficionado above. The Tennis aficionado gets a certain sense of joy as well as physical benefits from playing Tennis.
The wannabe pick up artist has traded in his personal happiness for the validation of women he approaches.
What if you struck some sort of a balance within the community? You can’t!
When you’re constantly following various gurus’ advice, when all of your surrounding friends’ conversations are about pick up, number closing, make-outs, which girl you laid, when you’re worried about what your friends may think because the last girl you were with, “you couldn’t lay,” when you have to discuss the latest technique you just read about………………….
You cannot get away from it! You’re sucked in and now it’s going to take work for you to crawl out of that hole you dug for yourself.
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But I want to become a “Pick Up Artist.” How do I become a PUA?
That’s the first problem. Becoming a PUA is not glamorous, nor cool. Please note that I didn’t say having the ability to date more women, or women of your choice was not cool. I said being a “Pick Up Artist” is not all that cool.
Do consider that most pick up artists (Aka Dating “Gurus” you run into come across as socially creepy people who don’t have any friends. Basically, if you took away their employees and people who think they can learn something from them, they’d be alone. Employees and fans are not friends.
Don’t take my word for it. Go to a casual house party with a dating-guru around and observe for yourself. See, if you want to become like that dude.
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A skewed and warped view of women.
There is a lot of underlying misogyny that goes is passed on to dating seeker without him ever realizing it. There is the guy who wants to teach you NLP secret patterns that’ll help you get laid to the guy who tells you that you’re not really worth much “Unless you have a 9 or 10″ on your arms as ornaments.
On top of that, most of the pick up artists deal with a specific segment of women and hence they project that impression of that segment onto ALL women. Pretty soon, they’ll have you convinced that all women are “flaky bitches” who are always “testing” you or trying to get something from you.
The would be dating-guru doesn’t consider the fact that, even if it were true, in order for women to want to get something from him, he’d have to have something to offer in the first place. And gain I’d ask you: Have you ever hung out with the so-called-pick up artists? That’s irrelevant though. He is going to have you convinced women are just walking vaginas anyway…..
So the impressionable would be dating-advice-seeker takes on the values of his guru whom he holds in high regard. Women are called “targets” and the goal is to put your penis in their vaginas and then write a report about it. He doesn’t really see women as human beings, certainly doesn’t see them as individuals having something to offer, or as persons with goals, ambitions, and their own set of values, beliefs as well as fears.
So then you have what amounts to be a good number of dating-gurus: Men with no real friends, no social circles, flakier than the women they complain about, socially mal-adjusted misogynists who want to get laid in order to find some sort of a validation within themselves as well as within their peers. “Oh, loook, here is the photo of a girl I just laid.”
And do you really want to be that guy? That’s your decision. But let’s do a quick exercise together..
The Mansion Party Scenario:
Imagine if you and I rented a gigantic mansion to throw a gigantic party. We then invite a massive number of Dating-Gurus to attend this little friendly fest to celebrate good times. We tell them there is “Totally free alcohol” and you can bring whoever you want, including all of your friends.
This is what we’d see: A house full of men with very few women. We’ll get to the women part later. Let’s get back to the men.
Some of the men would be dressed like flamboyant gay guys, some would be dressed goth and some would dress as Rockstars who just got off the stage. They’d have NO normal friends from outside of the seduction community. Some would have an Asian male-assistant who follows them around for some reason (for free), and some would bring along prostitutes.
You couldn’t really have a normal conversation with any of them. Most would be out of shape as they don’t exercise, and they’d insist on breaking out their blackberries to show photos of some girl they allegedly laid recently. Some would try to be more alpha, they’d be unnecessarily rude, try to talk over you or cut you off in the middle of your story in order to show that they’re cooler than you. If you had brought your own non-community male friends, they’d be disgusted by this crew you’ve surrounded yourself with.
To the Women part: The few who brought a female, would be with dimwitted, moronic, shallow women, basically the only women who’d even tolerate such men for more than 5 minutes, and even then, there’d be a feeding frenzy because the 70% of the guys who are without any women would try to hit on the 30% who did have a girl. For all the talk of how often they get laid and how many women they have in their lives, fora ll the talk of abundance, they’d try to hit on every single girl at the party who is already with a dude.
Now, I’d ask you once again: Are those men you aspire to be? Again, your choice.
But wait, it doesn’t even stop there. Once in a while, one guy comes along who has ALL of the answers. He makes fun of the pick up artists, echoes some of the sentiments I wrote above, and talks about being a self-actualized man. Even if he seems supremely creepy and weird, he sounds like he comes from a good place. This, you overlook the fact that he creeps the fuck out of ya and makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. His message at first seems appealing until you learn…….
….Until you learn that the dude is a night-stalker (wearing devil horns) walking the streets of Toronto looking for hookers and prostitutes trying to offer them a “Paradigm shift” as well as a couch and warm shelter, and then he tries to “Emancipate” them by turning those same hookers onto pornography, so they can become paid porn participants. I won’t name any names, but that’s the sort of characters you get sometimes. Naturally, this night-stalker walking dark Alleys of Toronto preying on hookers and crackwhores feels like he should be giving normal guys with normal jobs dating advice.
So is the above “hatred” towards the community? You can interpret it however you like. I like to think of it as pointing out absurdities that make for good comedy, and in the meanwhile, helping prevent a few guys from getting sucked into the “PUA” trap.
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OK, you’re not interested in that becoming like the PUAs or creeps above. You do want to be better at attracting and meeting women. So what are you to do?????
Here is what’d I recommend:
Decide what it is you want more. The more specific, the better. Here are a few examples off the top:
*I want to be able to talk to girls. I get too nervous
*I want to be able to have more dates.
*I’m a virgin or (slept with 2 girls). I like sex and want more of it.
*I have a lot of girl-friends. I want to have more women sexually attracted to me.
*I just got out of a long relationship and don’t know where to start.
*I want to find a girlfriend.
*I want more girls to be attracted to me. I talk to many women, but they’re not all that interested.
Once you know what you want to do, find the right advice that jives with you. Stick with a few dating coaches instead of trying to master a 100 different things.
Let me put it this way: Imagine you wanted to learn self-defense or become a better fighter and every week you switched styles. 1 week of Karate, then 1 week of kung fu, then 1 week of kickboxing, then 1 week of whatever…. 6 months later and it’s all a cluster fuck.
Now, to compound that, imagine that some of the Dating-gurus are charlatans that are teaching you things that’ll never work for you. Now, you’re really knee deep in shit. You’re trying all sorts of new techniques, half of which were never meant to work, and out of the ones that’d be suitable for you, well, you never become proficient with any of them.
I hope that you find value in my blog and that it’ll benefit you. I do sell products and I believe in these products, and I realize you may never buy any products from me. That’s fine too. Just don’t become a weirdo because you got sucked into warped misogynistic validation-seeking socially maladjusted way of the “Pick Up Artist” (or the creepy night stalker who wants to offer you a paradigm shift over night.)
Go with your common sense. There are good dating-coaches out there but many times, guys will allow their zeal for wanting to be better at attracting women overcome their most basic common sense. A lot of smart guys find the community, engineers, computer experts, and a lot of highly educated people.
Most of you would never allow a creepy guy dressed in drag, fishnets, or devil horns run your business. No way, no how. Yet, you somehow think the dating advice from that same guy is sound because he is a self-proclaimed dating guru. Can you see the absurdity??
Keep it simple. In the Macro-view of learning to attract women, you need three general components:
That was the first dating article I wrote on the Blog. Nothing has changes since then. If you want a general Bird’s eye view of Attraction between two human beings, you’re looking at those 3 basic components. The details just fill in the blanks regarding the intricacies, but at the end of the day, it’s going to come down to the basics I mention in the article linked above.
